Living my life's not hard enough, they take everything away
It's been awhile since I posted anything of substance here. I really haven't a good reason. Except that it's hard even for myself to believe some of the crazy stuff thats happened, not in a way thats actually meaningful, somethings are still either too hard or too humiliating to discuss. I've already made a few attempts and just ended up deleting cause its just so...complicated and I don't know where to start.
I had a heart attack...well I had quite a few heart attacks, but at first I was told they were "panic attacks" and sent away. Even when my right side went numb, and I lost all depth perception, and was forgetting words, basically having mini strokes, I was sent home. Finally I went to my doctor, who basically saved my life, he took an EKG and saw enough abnormalities that he sent for an ambulance. A week and four days before Christmas and I'm at the university hospital having a stint(stent?) put in an artery surrounding my heart. I definitely made the doctors days, being 33 with no real history of drug use like cocaine or anything, even though I have sort of a family history, and have been having issues with high blood pressure and have the genetically bad cholesterol (Though I still contend the vast amounts of stress I was under played a HUGE part, but thats a story for another day). My cardiologist said the last thing you want to be in a teaching hospital is an interesting case. But interesting I was, considering I had lots of people coming to see me, neuro, cardio-vascular, finally I ended up with vascular surgeons cause I had a blockage in my carotid artery that I ended up needed to be cut open and cleaned out. So I have a nice scar down my neck.
So...thats what my couple weeks before Christmas was like. The amazing and just...amazing chaos_goddess came up and braved the arctic cold to whisk me off for some peace and quiet and so I could recover away from my stress inducing family members (again a story for another day). She helped me pull off a decent Christmas for the children and if it wasn't for her...well life would suck completely if it wasn't for her in so many ways.
All in all, I feel better. I'm trying to quit smoking, am eating healthy, am doing the whole cardiac/cardio rehab thing. My neck is still is sore, but getting better. I have to be on blood thinners both to keep the stint(stent?) clear and cause of all the stroke clots. Which is scary, cause let me tell you graceful is not my middle name, but now every time I bump my head and stuff I have to worry 'Did I hit it too hard, am I bleeding inside?' Same with every fall. And I wont begin to share my feelings about sharp pointy objects. I have days...where I feel like my whole life is different now and I didn't have a say in it. I get horribly depressed.
See, I've been trying to make some changes in my life for a long time now. The week of my birthday, when I found out an old friend had passed away awhile back, I knew I had to act on these changes I wanted to happen and like now or just I'd be wasting my life on a miserable existence. I applied to school, started looking for a job, tried taking control of my life again. Lo and behold, some uh shit happened, big surprise there, and I ended up in a worse spot than I was before I had my birthday epiphany. I got really, really angry. I mean like really and I felt like no one was hearing me or more like I was angry with them and I felt I had every right to be and they were saying oh no you're not angry with me. Which if anyone reading this has ever felt righteously angry only to be blown off you know it only leads to more anger. I wanted people to take even just a sliver of responsibility for their actions instead of me carrying it all. But that didn't happen, and I just got more angry and more stressed and it was not helping my already stressed heart. So...I tried to change my life and I ended up with a heart attack and I know thats not the lesson that I'm supposed to learn from all this but some days its not easy to not feel that way.
Other days I try to look at it in a more positive light. That I can turn this all around, that the changes I now have to make are all good ones and maybe if I'm healthier physically I can become mentally/emotionally healthier, maybe stop making the same mistakes or stop letting the same crazy happen over and over again. I guess the best choice thats really not a choice anymore is that the way I was living before was fixing to kill me, and trying to live that way now...I just can't anymore. For my own well being and for the kids who need me cause as much as I suck I'm the best they got, I need to fix all this stuff.
So...I'm giving myself six months. Thats how long the cardio/cardiac rehab program lasts (after you are expected to work on the things you learned all on your own, but if you've successfully gotten that far you have less to worry about another cardiac event). Six months is how long it will take to fix the other problem that I know I'm being cryptic about here and maybe as I get used to writing in this journal again I will let some of these things out better. I know none of the people on my FList are judgmental and know me just enough to still luffs me anyways (heee or tell me I'm a complete idiot but in a productive way) but I'm not there *yet* as much as I'm aching just to get it 'out there'. Six months will be enough time to find a job to earn money so I can gain independence, be able to stand on my own two feet, able to take care of myself an children without have to depend on the control freak socio/psychopath in nice guy clothing who seems hell been on keeping me stuck in a life of instability and suck. Thats if he doesn't go back to his old (well not so old ways of manipulation and outright sabotage. :( Sorry! being vague and cryptic again. Six months is plenty of time to turn this around *nods determinedly* And quite frankly, failure is not an option, it kinda life and death now...how weird (and majorly melodramatic is that??)
This journals possibly going to become more active as I make notes to myself, or just vent. Y'all aren't obligated to read or anything, in fact if you want to do the whole defriending thing, you absolutely know I will understand and it will not change the way I adore each and everyone of you. Listening to self indulgent is not even my idea of fun lol.
So...how are all of you? Hopefully well! I miss the whole lot of you and wish I hadn't been so reluctant to post or even reconnect by other means. I have the strong desire to do that, reconnect, but I seem to fail miserably at it most of the time. But tis the season of change, so...
Hopefully some of this entry has made some sort of sense. lol. Sometimes I wonder about my coherency or ability to string two sentences together these days.
I had a heart attack...well I had quite a few heart attacks, but at first I was told they were "panic attacks" and sent away. Even when my right side went numb, and I lost all depth perception, and was forgetting words, basically having mini strokes, I was sent home. Finally I went to my doctor, who basically saved my life, he took an EKG and saw enough abnormalities that he sent for an ambulance. A week and four days before Christmas and I'm at the university hospital having a stint(stent?) put in an artery surrounding my heart. I definitely made the doctors days, being 33 with no real history of drug use like cocaine or anything, even though I have sort of a family history, and have been having issues with high blood pressure and have the genetically bad cholesterol (Though I still contend the vast amounts of stress I was under played a HUGE part, but thats a story for another day). My cardiologist said the last thing you want to be in a teaching hospital is an interesting case. But interesting I was, considering I had lots of people coming to see me, neuro, cardio-vascular, finally I ended up with vascular surgeons cause I had a blockage in my carotid artery that I ended up needed to be cut open and cleaned out. So I have a nice scar down my neck.
So...thats what my couple weeks before Christmas was like. The amazing and just...amazing chaos_goddess came up and braved the arctic cold to whisk me off for some peace and quiet and so I could recover away from my stress inducing family members (again a story for another day). She helped me pull off a decent Christmas for the children and if it wasn't for her...well life would suck completely if it wasn't for her in so many ways.
All in all, I feel better. I'm trying to quit smoking, am eating healthy, am doing the whole cardiac/cardio rehab thing. My neck is still is sore, but getting better. I have to be on blood thinners both to keep the stint(stent?) clear and cause of all the stroke clots. Which is scary, cause let me tell you graceful is not my middle name, but now every time I bump my head and stuff I have to worry 'Did I hit it too hard, am I bleeding inside?' Same with every fall. And I wont begin to share my feelings about sharp pointy objects. I have days...where I feel like my whole life is different now and I didn't have a say in it. I get horribly depressed.
See, I've been trying to make some changes in my life for a long time now. The week of my birthday, when I found out an old friend had passed away awhile back, I knew I had to act on these changes I wanted to happen and like now or just I'd be wasting my life on a miserable existence. I applied to school, started looking for a job, tried taking control of my life again. Lo and behold, some uh shit happened, big surprise there, and I ended up in a worse spot than I was before I had my birthday epiphany. I got really, really angry. I mean like really and I felt like no one was hearing me or more like I was angry with them and I felt I had every right to be and they were saying oh no you're not angry with me. Which if anyone reading this has ever felt righteously angry only to be blown off you know it only leads to more anger. I wanted people to take even just a sliver of responsibility for their actions instead of me carrying it all. But that didn't happen, and I just got more angry and more stressed and it was not helping my already stressed heart. So...I tried to change my life and I ended up with a heart attack and I know thats not the lesson that I'm supposed to learn from all this but some days its not easy to not feel that way.
Other days I try to look at it in a more positive light. That I can turn this all around, that the changes I now have to make are all good ones and maybe if I'm healthier physically I can become mentally/emotionally healthier, maybe stop making the same mistakes or stop letting the same crazy happen over and over again. I guess the best choice thats really not a choice anymore is that the way I was living before was fixing to kill me, and trying to live that way now...I just can't anymore. For my own well being and for the kids who need me cause as much as I suck I'm the best they got, I need to fix all this stuff.
So...I'm giving myself six months. Thats how long the cardio/cardiac rehab program lasts (after you are expected to work on the things you learned all on your own, but if you've successfully gotten that far you have less to worry about another cardiac event). Six months is how long it will take to fix the other problem that I know I'm being cryptic about here and maybe as I get used to writing in this journal again I will let some of these things out better. I know none of the people on my FList are judgmental and know me just enough to still luffs me anyways (heee or tell me I'm a complete idiot but in a productive way) but I'm not there *yet* as much as I'm aching just to get it 'out there'. Six months will be enough time to find a job to earn money so I can gain independence, be able to stand on my own two feet, able to take care of myself an children without have to depend on the control freak socio/psychopath in nice guy clothing who seems hell been on keeping me stuck in a life of instability and suck. Thats if he doesn't go back to his old (well not so old ways of manipulation and outright sabotage. :( Sorry! being vague and cryptic again. Six months is plenty of time to turn this around *nods determinedly* And quite frankly, failure is not an option, it kinda life and death now...how weird (and majorly melodramatic is that??)
This journals possibly going to become more active as I make notes to myself, or just vent. Y'all aren't obligated to read or anything, in fact if you want to do the whole defriending thing, you absolutely know I will understand and it will not change the way I adore each and everyone of you. Listening to self indulgent is not even my idea of fun lol.
So...how are all of you? Hopefully well! I miss the whole lot of you and wish I hadn't been so reluctant to post or even reconnect by other means. I have the strong desire to do that, reconnect, but I seem to fail miserably at it most of the time. But tis the season of change, so...
Hopefully some of this entry has made some sort of sense. lol. Sometimes I wonder about my coherency or ability to string two sentences together these days.