Echo of Dusk - Chapter XV
Title: Echo of Dusk
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner:
Chapter: [15/25?]
Rating: M
Genre: AU
Summary: Two men met one cold, winters day. One, a cook's assistant, the other a young lawyer. The year was 1950, when this instant attraction occurred... However, the threat of civil war loomed and the two found themselves faced with the risk of separation. Yunho swore he'd protect JaeJoong at all cost...but sometimes things don't always go the way we want them to. This is the process of two lovers healing each other...
OST for this chapter:
Over My Shoulders - Mika (6.71MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
JaeJoong:
Fog out my daylight, torture my night.
Feels like I'm falling, far out of sight.
Cold, Drunk, Tired, Lost.
Taking a deep breath, my fingers leapt off JaeJoong’s silky back and I pulled his shirt back down. I couldn’t see who was in my tent because the newspaper stand I had built was blocking him from me. That was the second time a newspaper stand had saved my life!
JaeJoong unwrapped his legs from my waist and I helped lower him down as quietly as I could.
“Yes?” I called out, moving away from the stand to meet the man. It was my phone boy - every so often I’d receive a call from the general updating me on the stalemate.
“Phone again for you, Major,” he politely informed me.
“Alright. I’ll take it outside.”
Turning back to JaeJoong, I cleared my throat and frowned, the mocking air of superiority spreading around me. “You are dismissed, private,” I coughed out to my lover.
My phone boy was already halfway outside so he couldn’t have noticed JaeJoong’s response, but I had to bite my lip to stop the smile spreading onto my face. He had saluted me with his tongue stuck out.
How his cheekiness always brightened up my day…
After I took the call I wandered around the camp with my mind slightly in a daze. The phone call had been relatively boring - just the usual “they’ve moved in blah-di-blah direction, so stay on guard” report. But the conversation I’d had with JaeJoong this morning was completely filling my head up. His weaponry skills may not always be the best, but he sure knew how to attack someone verbally!
This mind frame he was in really alarmed me…that he thought his identity had been completely eradicated since the abuse he endured had occurred. I definitely didn’t blame him…being in a foreign country and knowing every single North Korean hated you and wouldn’t think twice about killing you…it would have really unsettled me.
Okay, so unsettled is completely the wrong adjective, more like terrified out of my skin. Not to mention being touched in intimate places whilst not knowing when or if it would ever end. That would have terrified me even more so.
The unknown…
The darkest period of my life so far, apart from finding JaeJoong so broken, was definitely that sense of the unknown - was the man I adored alive or dead? That ‘unknown’ had torn my soul apart. But even that seemed so trivial in comparison to what JaeJoong would have gone through. His ‘unknown’ was whether he’d live or die each day and if he’d ever get to taste liberty again.
An experience like that is almost unimaginable. It was no wonder that despite his strong way of dealing with everything, his weak subconscious still could not block the nightmares he had of being stuck in North Korea once more.
Maybe I had been treating him like something brittle… It hadn’t occurred to me before. It was just that this incredible need to protect him from everything overcame me… But I know no matter how much I wished it I would never be able to protect him from the past.
This was the first time he’d ever really spoken to me about what happened. He thought he was strong enough to keep it mostly all to himself. I however, thought that he was an idiot. But I couldn’t force him to tell me anything and…maybe there really was some part of me which would wither away if he ever told me. I had complained about my torturous imagination poisoning my perception of the abuse but… I am scared to know the truth. I’d know exactly what pain he went through; there would be no more ‘what ifs’ to secure me but cold truths. And then I know I’d try and imagine those as well… And the fact that he couldn’t even tell me anything showed how bad it would have been.
He was trying to get over it by pushing it out of his mind. I wish I could do the same. But it was just too hard to do when the consequences were flaunted in front of my face every day. He still ate small amounts, his still didn’t sleep properly, he still needed medicine from Hangeng, he still got jumpy when people came too close and he definitely still refused to leave the tent. He hadn’t left the tent for several weeks! I was a little concerned as to how he’d fare returning to Seoul with us once the war ended… But he’d made it quite clear that I wasn’t ever allowed to become all motherly towards him anymore.
I wandered aimlessly towards the medical tent, letting out the sigh that had been building up.
I know you’re strong my love, but when will you realise that the weight you’re carrying is just too much for one man alone…
~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~
Yunho came back into the tent later that evening. I didn’t notice at first because I had been deeply absorbed by the newspaper I was reading. Changmin and I had spent all afternoon debating over the various old articles we had come across in the newspaper…so much in fact that my head had started spinning.
As soon as Yunho appeared, Changmin reluctantly got off the floor and gave me the usual special goodbye handshake we had created.
I gazed up at Yunho’s patronising expression and scowled. “It’s cute!”
“It’s pointless and childish.”
“Yehhh, I forgot boring old men such as yourself don’t appreciate the genuine exchange of human affection and creativity through such simplistic, juvenile methods. Why use the ingenious handshake when you can slap someone on the back and roar a mighty, impressive laughter to display manly fondness. Yes…I do see your point about how childish a handshake is compared to that. Old fart.”
“You’re older!”
“Only physically! Mentally I am a healthy young boy. Personally, I prefer my mind.”
Yunho sighed and dropped down onto the bed, his face disappearing into the folds of the pillow.
“What’s up with you?” I asked as I stared down at him.
“I don’t feel like quarrelling with you right now.”
“You think I do?” I retorted in mild amusement.
He remained silent and I wondered whether he had fallen asleep like that or not. I reached out to start untying his shoelaces and pulled his boots off for him.
“Thank you, housewife,” I heard him tiredly mumble into the pillow. He groaned when I smacked his butt for such a disrespectful comment.
“Well since you are kindly taking over the expanse of the whole bed, I’ll just sleep on the floor.”
“Okay. Goodnight.”
“OI! Yunho!” I protested angrily.
“Oh…was that a hint to move over?”
“What else would it have been?!” I drawled.
“Dunno. God himself would have trouble interpreting your brain waves.”
I picked up the newspaper I had been reading and pegged it at the back of his head.
“Hey!” he exclaimed, eyes widening as his head swung up to look at me.
“Assaulted by a paper from your own newspaper stand…” I solemnly replied. He didn’t seem too amused though…
“Aren’t you glad your stand has multipurpose?” I couldn’t help but continue teasing. “It acts as a pretty reminder of our first meeting place, it plunges me into deep unconsciousness whenever I accidentally smash into it at night, it acts as an entertainment medium for those boring days when your brain is just tingling for some literary exposure, and now it’s a handy ally for me when you start teasing me with no remorse!” I trilled.
He remained resting over the bed with his eyes closed.
“What’s wrong, babe?” I sighed. “You’re not laughing at my jokes.”
“I never laugh at your jokes.”
“Now now,” I chuckled, sitting next to him on the bed. I reached out and stroked his forehead gently, peering curiously at his worn face.
“I’m sorry. I’m really tired,” he explained.
“I know,” I softly confirmed, continuing to caress his face.
“That feels nice…”
I smiled and let my fingers continue to lull him to sleep.
“Get under the covers, babe,” I instructed softly and then crawled in beside him.
This wasn’t the first time I had seen him so exhausted. He put so much of his energy and soul into whatever he did. I’m sure dealing with me wasn’t helping his energy levels either…
“You drain my energy, Joongie…” he tiredly murmured. I froze for a few seconds paranoid that somehow he had gained the ability to read everything in my mind, but then I felt my lips curving into a smile at the absurdity.
“Do I?”
“Yep. You’ve completely emotionally drained me.”
“I’m sorry,” I grinned.
“Mmm. Do me a favour and wake me up tomorrow morning with a kiss like a normal boyfriend. Don’t give me heart attacks and those woeful eyes.”
“I’ll promise to resist the urge,” I assured him, draping my arm over him and leaning in closer to feel his warm body. In turn, he half rolled over as well in order to hold me.
As I closed my eyes I was surprised to feel his warm hands on my body. They had dipped under my shirt to rest on the top of my waist. It felt so strange…it was hard to stop my heart from racing.
What surprised me most of all was how much I was actually liking it. Since everything that had happened to me had forced a change in our relationship, we hadn’t been too sensual with each other. But I liked it…I liked his fingers caressing my bare skin.
Soon I could feel his hand growing heavier against my hip. He had fallen asleep and now I was supporting his dead weight. But as I concentrated on the sensation I realised that I wasn’t feeling dirty.
On a daily basis I often felt this constant anger towards the skin lying over my bones, but there was one patch that was suddenly immune to that fury…the patch under his fingers. It was a patch of shining silver peeking through the muddy surface that was my body.
I held my breath and slowly shifted my posture until Yunho’s hand slipped down across my belly. Another smear of sparking silver.
The mud…that thick mud covering me and making me feel so filthy was slowly being wiped away…
I knew I needed more. I needed Yunho’s hand to fall over the other parts of my skin…
I moved backwards until my back hit the canvas of the tent’s wall. Sitting up I tried to ignore the butterflies eating away at the walls of my stomach. Some had even escaped and were flittering anxiously against my belly trying to get out…or at least that’s what I thought had happened as I started unbuttoning my shirt.
Swallowing the large lump in my throat I began to slowly slide the material off my shoulder. I flinched as my bare skin suddenly met with the cool, night air. I was finally exposed again.
I carefully tossed the shed material behind me and lowered myself back onto the sheets. The bed cover was still swimming around my waist and I pulled it up over my cold chest to protect myself from the air.
My heart was pounding so fast it was aching behind my ribcage. Is this what it felt like for a young woman losing her virginity? People always seemed to make a big deal out if it and I could finally understand why…
Feeling around for where Yunho’s hand had dropped, I carefully felt the soft fingers lying over the sheet. And then I picked it up. When I eventually pressed it against my chest, I could feel his fingers narrowly missing my nipple.
My mouth was growing dryer as I let all the new sensations sink in. The soft sheets lightly pressing against my bare skin…his warmth melting the mud on my chest… It was all beautifully exhilarating.
My manipulation of his hands was slowly chipping his subconscious away and soon he was fidgeting in an early awakening. Still in a state of shallow slumber his hands began to move over me on their own accord and I closed my eyes, trying to continue breathing.
Just as his thumb swept over my nipple possessively, a chain reaction occurred - I flinched in both pleasure and fear, throwing him out of his disoriented mind to finally gain awareness of his surroundings.
His hand leapt off my chest as if it had been burned. Or tainted.
My cheeks reddened in humiliation at his disgust. Yes it’s me you were touching, are you now in a living nightmare?
The mud was dripping off his hands and he could obviously feel it. He hadn’t wanted to touch me after all… How he wished I hadn’t tricked him.
I moved away as far as I could so that my bare arm was no longer pressed against his chest, drowning in a deeper humiliation. I was so confused… this morning Yunho had giving me such a grand speech about not being repulsed by me or ever being disgusted. So what was this treatment? Why had the feeling of my bare chest scared him away so quickly? Did he think he felt a certain way but really feel the opposite in his subconscious?
This reaction of his…it hurt.
I could feel the mattress below us shifting as Yunho sat up on his elbow to look over at me. But my eyes were closed in a false imitation of sleep. I felt him lie back down in relief upon seeing my vacant, sleeping face… He was glad I hadn’t been conscious through his shameful groping…because that way he could forget he’d ever laid hands on the filth of his boyfriend’s skin.
Better go disinfect your hand now, Yunho. Better yet, go burn the skin off completely so that the mud can’t slip through the pores and infect your blood like how it has done to me.
I didn’t move for the rest of the night, choosing to stare blankly at the dark canvas in front of my nose. The depressing, heavy burden of my abandonment was crushing my poor heart. I had finally been abandoned by the one person I thought would always be holding my hand… I was once more a lost child left to wander the moor, eternally alone.
Once Yunho left for breakfast in the morning, I hurriedly bolted upright to hide my shameful skin with my discarded shirt. Never again… NEVER again would I let my guard down and dare to hope that things were different.
He was a kind man, my Yunho. He would never admit it to my face because he wouldn’t want to hurt me. But his subconscious disgust of my naked body told me everything his mouth didn’t have the heart to say.
I wonder if he noticed my quietness throughout the rest of the day. When he came in for lunch he tried making small talk but eventually drifted into silence when he sensed I wasn’t in the mood for speech.
“Sorry…”
“For what?”
“No, nevermind…” he sighed.
I stared down at my lunch wishing the atmosphere wasn’t so awkward. “These crackers are stale…”
“Hmm? Well you can never please a cook,” he teased.
I nodded, not feeling too in the mood for humour. He got up soon after to kiss me on the cheek before he returned to whatever his duty was.
I stood up from the bed and wandered slowly towards the entrance of the tent, peeking though the canvas to watch him walk away with the plates.
I wished I had the ability to read his mind…it would make things so much easier. Then I’d know for sure what was going on.
Sighing and shaking my head I let the canvas slip from my fingers and wandered sadly back towards my bed. On the way however, my sloppy walking sent my arm smashing into the hard edges of the stand. I cursed and lifted my arm up to inspect the damage. A strip of skin had been grazed off, the tiny droplets of blood slowly forming on the surface.
As I observed my stinging arm, a state of calm washed over me. This sudden wound was having the strangest effect on me… I felt good. This new pain was overriding the hurt I felt in my heart. For once I was able to feel something else.
I sank onto the bed still gazing at my tiny wound thoughtfully. To think that such a tiny thing could offer so much…
Finally I closed my eyes contently and welcomed the sleep back.
That night was the second night I spent lying next to Yunho without trying to get up for a cigarette.
I was being held down by painful memories. The source of all my pain was eating away at my mind and I suddenly lay victim to the torturous images being burned into my conscious.
The first night… I lost my wings.
I hadn’t understood what was happening. I’d spent a few days before that travelling with them, my hands bound and my mouth gagged. I don’t remember much about those days…only that I was sick with confusion and loneliness. My yearning for Yunho had been so suffocating that it had been the only thing I could think about as I was led far away.
They tried questioning me but I wasn’t of much help to them so they threw me into a dark room without giving any explanation of what was going to happen to me. I thought they were going to try and question me again when soldiers next walked into the room but I was wrong. They had stripped my pants away and still I didn’t understand what was happening.
I had been so shocked when I felt someone’s hard member digging into me. I could practically feel each layer of flesh being broken through as he moved too roughly. My bottom had been set on fire and the burning never subsided. Even when they finished with me the embers would remain smouldering.
The pain had been so strong that it had blocked out all my other thoughts. I couldn’t even think about Yunho and how I felt I was betraying him. Only after the first few soldiers finished with me, and I was left panting on the cold, dirty floor did I start to think about my predicament. The moment my skin had hit the floor I had known how dirty I had suddenly become. And every day the coating of mud got thicker and thicker until it covered all my skin, as thick and hard as marble.
I was stuck in a marble body even though I was rejecting such a sensation. I couldn’t be free of it. Last night I had thought that maybe Yunho was the key… I foolishly believed that he had the power to cut it away until my old skin was peeking through again. But Yunho couldn’t do it…because he didn’t want to sacrifice his beautiful skin to touch my muddy marble.
He rejected me, just as I had rejected myself.
There was no longer any hope for me.
I tried to swallow but there was something lodged in my throat. I couldn’t break it… I couldn’t breathe. The pain was violently swirling around within me again. I prayed for something to make it all end. A new pain. I needed a new pain!
Reaching over Yunho with shaking hands, I desperately grabbed the belt he always wore. With anxious fingers I felt along the worn leather until I had found what I was looking for.
I needed to sever away my heart so I would stop feeling so much! And then maybe the rest of my skin as well. It all needed to go. So that I could finally be rid of the muddy marble and be beautiful again.
I flinched as the knife broke through the skin of my chest. This pain…it was very welcome. I was being consumed by the emotional pain of my lover rejecting my body; this physical pain was a very good distraction.
Once the stream of blood was starting to soak through the material of my shirt I finally started groaning in pain.
I lay flat down onto the bed and pulled the covers up over me to hide everything. This pain was nice, but if Yunho saw it, he wouldn’t understand.
He was asleep, facing me as always. He actually looked a little worried…as if he could sense what was happening but couldn’t break free from his sleep to do anything.
He was so handsome. Why had he abandoned me too? I could handle God abandoning me because I had lost faith in such a deity a long time ago. But Yunnie… I had believed in him. He had made me believe in him only to discard me.
I gripped the knife in my hidden hand angrily, smirking lifelessly as the blade cut through the skin of my fingers as well.
Feeling my anger continuing to simmer deep within me, I momentarily dropped the blade and pulled my hand out from its sanctuary to wipe the tiny layer of blood across Yunho’s cheek. He looked like some warrior now… A cold, cruel warrior. I’ve exposed you, Yunho… I smirked.
I lifted my bloody fingers up from his skin once I felt him shifting under my touch. I hurriedly ducked my hand under the cover and picked up the knife possessively. It was mine; he couldn’t take this from me as well.
He had definitely awakened… I could feel him moving closer to me. Too close. His hip smashed into the corner of the knife I still grasped and he yelped. I felt cool air over my body as the covers were thrown back.
It was still really dark so Yunho couldn’t have seen anything even if he had wanted to. But instead I felt his hands pounding down onto the sheets and mattress violently, feeling around. He must have felt the sticky red substance of my pain because everything went into chaos after that.
“JAEJOONG!” he was screaming, stealing the knife from my hands and throwing it onto the floor. I was being lifted up over his back. I couldn’t see what was happening, but I could hear his panting.
“HANGENG!” he was screaming falling into the medical tent with me.
“NO!” I helplessly yelled, breaking out of my trance. “NO GIVE IT BACK! I NEED TO CUT IT ALL OFF!”
“JaeJoong, you are scaring me!” he cried out, tumbling flat onto the ground as I fell out of his grasp. We were waking up the whole medical tent but neither of us gave a damn.
“GIVE IT BACK, YUNHO! I’LL BE BEAUTIFUL AGAIN, I PROMISE! BUT I CAN’T BE BEAUTIFUL UNLESS I CUT IT ALL OFF!”
“JaeJoong!” He cried, his eyes filled with terror and worry.
“Yunho go! Leave him!” Hangeng was pleading, trying to stop my chest from bleeding.
“NO!” I yelled, trying to hit Hangeng. I was trying to stab him but there was nothing in my hands.
“YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE HERE!” I screamed, trying to get away from Hangeng’s restraining hands. He pushed me onto my back and I felt lots of people suddenly grabbing my limbs to pin me properly down to the ground.
“Don’t hurt him!” I could hear Yunho pleading from somewhere. Where was he? I needed to see him!
“YUNHO!” I cried, trying to escape from all the hands holding me down. I closed my eyes as their pressure increased and screamed as loud as I could when I was suddenly stripped of my garments. Hangeng started to tightly wrap the bandage around my bleeding chest and shoulders.
“Yunho-sshi, you have to go! Just for a little bit! He needs to calm down!” Hangeng instructed anxiously.
“NO, DON’T GO!” I screamed, kicking at the hands holding my legs down. In my panic I broke out of their grasp but Hangeng was grabbing my waist. I pushed him away with every single ounce of strength and scrambled away towards the medical tent’s entrance. But Hangeng was grabbing my bandage like a leash to pull me back.
Yunho looked frightened. Why was he frightened? Why was he scared of me? Don’t be scared of me, my beloved!
I reached out to him with my bloody hand but he bolted out of the tent and I fell to the ground, wailing. Hangeng was on top of me to hold me down and I screamed even louder trying to get out from underneath him. I needed space…SPACE.
I buried my head into the ground and sobbed until my whole body was shaking. Hangeng refused to get off me until all I could do was sob into my arms.
“Shush, little one,” he whispered, stroking my hair. My chest was burning from where I had cut it.
“I’m crazy…” I wept over and over again. Hangeng continued to pat my head until I had stopped hyperventilating.
“Yunho…” I sobbed. “Yunho…Yunho…Yunho…”
Someone was sticking something into me. Was it a needle? Or was it another knife? Was someone finally hearing my prayers and cutting the rest of my skin off? Thank you… Thank you…
I fell into darkness.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
My hands covered my face. I was still so shocked I couldn’t stop shaking. Someone was trying to give me coffee but I knew I wouldn’t be able to even hold the mug.
“He’s okay now…” Changmin was telling me. The boy had been woken up in all of the commotion and had strangely come to me. I think most of the camp was now awake.
“My bed is covered in his blood. I am covered in his blood.”
“I know…” the younger man softly replied.
“I can’t go back in there…”
“The medical tent?”
“No… Mine. I don’t want to see it… Please do something about it.”
“People are already cleaning it up, Yunho,” Changmin comforted, rubbing my back continuously.
“It wasn’t my fault!”
“I know.”
“I didn’t know he had it. I didn’t think he’d ever…”
“No one is blaming you, Yunho.”
“Why is he doing this to me?!”
“He’s in pain. His head is messed up. How could it not be? He just had a rough moment… The doctor said he needs to stay there for a bit in case he tries it again. I guess he’s classified as an unstable potential-suicide case now…”
“He told me he wouldn’t try to do that anymore…”
“He’s tried it before?”
“Not like that. Nothing like that. One of the North Korean rebels threatened to shoot him and he was going to let them.” I could barely summon any breath to tell Changmin the story.
“Oh my…”
“He has to go back…”
“To your tent?”
“Home. His home. Back to his family.”
“But…”
“I’ve been so selfish…keeping him here. I thought I could help him but clearly I can’t. I just disappoint him over and over again and I don’t have enough time to check on him and…”
“Yunho, this happened in the early morning, no one would have been awake to stop him. You’re not super man.”
“Yes, I am not superman. He has to go back home. If he had been any other soldier I would have enforced his early release but… I thought I could cure everything for him. I wanted him here with me. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid and selfish!”
“It’s not selfishness… You were worried about him; you didn’t want to let him go. You’d want to be there with him to make sure he got back safely. I would have done the same thing; waited until it ended…”
“I’ve made him worse.”
“No you haven’t.”
“Changmin, please deliver a message to Hangeng-sshi for me. Please let him know that I am discharging Kim JaeJoong. He’ll be given twenty-four hours to prepare, and you will be escorting him back.”
“Yunho…”
“You will refer to me as Major and you will obey my orders, private.”
“Yes Major…” he sighed, slowly getting up and disappearing from my vision.
I covered my face with my hands once more. I couldn’t look down… I couldn’t handle having to see his blood marring my uniform anymore.
Wandering hesitantly back into my quiet tent I immediately stripped all my clothes off. The frame of my bed mirrored my bareness. No sheets remained on it…it was just lying there vulnerable, just like me.
The newspaper stand lay smashed up on the ground from when I had pushed it aside to rush JaeJoong to Hangeng. I stepped over the crinkled pages and then kicked the scattered pile in all directions.
I fell onto the hard bed frame and covered my face once more. How had this happened? For gods sake, a few nights ago I had remembered making him promise that he’d wake me up with a kiss like a normal lover… And now I was being awakened with blood? WHY! Why had he stolen my knife to cut himself? Or had he been trying to cut me? It certainly had been angled in my direction before I had ripped it from his grasp.
“FUCK!” I yelled, smashing my forehead into my fingers.
I tried to breathe properly as I looked back up at the messy tent. Everything was now in disarray. I had to pack his things up…
I knew I couldn’t say goodbye…if I saw him then I would change my mind and everything would worsen again. I had to let him go now. Maybe when the war ended I’d be able to see him again somehow. I didn’t know where he lived but maybe I could find his records and get his address. I don’t know…
I just knew that I couldn’t say goodbye to him. It would make things too hard. My closure would just have to be packing all his things up.
What things? He had no things! He had just had me. And some stupid old newspaper!
I let out a shaky breath and tumbled off the uncomfortable bed frame to fall onto the floor. I wandered around on my hands and knees lifelessly to search for that one newspaper. Once I had found it half lodged under the stand, I pulled it out and grabbed a pen. I bent over the crumpled paper and searched for a blank space to write my goodbye message to him.
Trying to resist the tears building up in my vulnerable eyes I left the newspaper out for Changmin and changed into another uniform.
I still couldn’t calm down.
Rolling onto the messy, chaotic arrangement of newspapers I made a bed for myself and lay down, staring at the top of the tent. The sun was starting to burn through it and that patch of sun, blinding my eyes, was all I could focus on for many, many hours.
Goodbye my love. Be brave. You’ll get better. Until we meet again there will not be one second when I am not thinking about you and wishing for your happiness to return.
I love you.
-Your Yunho
///TBC///
A/N: I’m so sorry for the horrendous cliff hanger. I feel your pain, really I do.
Also, due to my horrible habit of writing chapters too long for their own good, it’s getting increasingly difficult to type it all up weekly SO…I’ve got no other option but to update fortnightly T_T. But since this chapter ended at such a shitty time, I’ll make an exception this time and update next week ^^
Comments lovies? ^^
Author: wild_terrain (ie. fi_chan)
Banner:
Chapter: [15/25?]
Rating: M
Genre: AU
Summary: Two men met one cold, winters day. One, a cook's assistant, the other a young lawyer. The year was 1950, when this instant attraction occurred... However, the threat of civil war loomed and the two found themselves faced with the risk of separation. Yunho swore he'd protect JaeJoong at all cost...but sometimes things don't always go the way we want them to. This is the process of two lovers healing each other...
OST for this chapter:
Over My Shoulders - Mika (6.71MB) - DOWNLOAD!!
JaeJoong:
Fog out my daylight, torture my night.
Feels like I'm falling, far out of sight.
Cold, Drunk, Tired, Lost.
Taking a deep breath, my fingers leapt off JaeJoong’s silky back and I pulled his shirt back down. I couldn’t see who was in my tent because the newspaper stand I had built was blocking him from me. That was the second time a newspaper stand had saved my life!
JaeJoong unwrapped his legs from my waist and I helped lower him down as quietly as I could.
“Yes?” I called out, moving away from the stand to meet the man. It was my phone boy - every so often I’d receive a call from the general updating me on the stalemate.
“Phone again for you, Major,” he politely informed me.
“Alright. I’ll take it outside.”
Turning back to JaeJoong, I cleared my throat and frowned, the mocking air of superiority spreading around me. “You are dismissed, private,” I coughed out to my lover.
My phone boy was already halfway outside so he couldn’t have noticed JaeJoong’s response, but I had to bite my lip to stop the smile spreading onto my face. He had saluted me with his tongue stuck out.
How his cheekiness always brightened up my day…
After I took the call I wandered around the camp with my mind slightly in a daze. The phone call had been relatively boring - just the usual “they’ve moved in blah-di-blah direction, so stay on guard” report. But the conversation I’d had with JaeJoong this morning was completely filling my head up. His weaponry skills may not always be the best, but he sure knew how to attack someone verbally!
This mind frame he was in really alarmed me…that he thought his identity had been completely eradicated since the abuse he endured had occurred. I definitely didn’t blame him…being in a foreign country and knowing every single North Korean hated you and wouldn’t think twice about killing you…it would have really unsettled me.
Okay, so unsettled is completely the wrong adjective, more like terrified out of my skin. Not to mention being touched in intimate places whilst not knowing when or if it would ever end. That would have terrified me even more so.
The unknown…
The darkest period of my life so far, apart from finding JaeJoong so broken, was definitely that sense of the unknown - was the man I adored alive or dead? That ‘unknown’ had torn my soul apart. But even that seemed so trivial in comparison to what JaeJoong would have gone through. His ‘unknown’ was whether he’d live or die each day and if he’d ever get to taste liberty again.
An experience like that is almost unimaginable. It was no wonder that despite his strong way of dealing with everything, his weak subconscious still could not block the nightmares he had of being stuck in North Korea once more.
Maybe I had been treating him like something brittle… It hadn’t occurred to me before. It was just that this incredible need to protect him from everything overcame me… But I know no matter how much I wished it I would never be able to protect him from the past.
This was the first time he’d ever really spoken to me about what happened. He thought he was strong enough to keep it mostly all to himself. I however, thought that he was an idiot. But I couldn’t force him to tell me anything and…maybe there really was some part of me which would wither away if he ever told me. I had complained about my torturous imagination poisoning my perception of the abuse but… I am scared to know the truth. I’d know exactly what pain he went through; there would be no more ‘what ifs’ to secure me but cold truths. And then I know I’d try and imagine those as well… And the fact that he couldn’t even tell me anything showed how bad it would have been.
He was trying to get over it by pushing it out of his mind. I wish I could do the same. But it was just too hard to do when the consequences were flaunted in front of my face every day. He still ate small amounts, his still didn’t sleep properly, he still needed medicine from Hangeng, he still got jumpy when people came too close and he definitely still refused to leave the tent. He hadn’t left the tent for several weeks! I was a little concerned as to how he’d fare returning to Seoul with us once the war ended… But he’d made it quite clear that I wasn’t ever allowed to become all motherly towards him anymore.
I wandered aimlessly towards the medical tent, letting out the sigh that had been building up.
I know you’re strong my love, but when will you realise that the weight you’re carrying is just too much for one man alone…
~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~
Yunho came back into the tent later that evening. I didn’t notice at first because I had been deeply absorbed by the newspaper I was reading. Changmin and I had spent all afternoon debating over the various old articles we had come across in the newspaper…so much in fact that my head had started spinning.
As soon as Yunho appeared, Changmin reluctantly got off the floor and gave me the usual special goodbye handshake we had created.
I gazed up at Yunho’s patronising expression and scowled. “It’s cute!”
“It’s pointless and childish.”
“Yehhh, I forgot boring old men such as yourself don’t appreciate the genuine exchange of human affection and creativity through such simplistic, juvenile methods. Why use the ingenious handshake when you can slap someone on the back and roar a mighty, impressive laughter to display manly fondness. Yes…I do see your point about how childish a handshake is compared to that. Old fart.”
“You’re older!”
“Only physically! Mentally I am a healthy young boy. Personally, I prefer my mind.”
Yunho sighed and dropped down onto the bed, his face disappearing into the folds of the pillow.
“What’s up with you?” I asked as I stared down at him.
“I don’t feel like quarrelling with you right now.”
“You think I do?” I retorted in mild amusement.
He remained silent and I wondered whether he had fallen asleep like that or not. I reached out to start untying his shoelaces and pulled his boots off for him.
“Thank you, housewife,” I heard him tiredly mumble into the pillow. He groaned when I smacked his butt for such a disrespectful comment.
“Well since you are kindly taking over the expanse of the whole bed, I’ll just sleep on the floor.”
“Okay. Goodnight.”
“OI! Yunho!” I protested angrily.
“Oh…was that a hint to move over?”
“What else would it have been?!” I drawled.
“Dunno. God himself would have trouble interpreting your brain waves.”
I picked up the newspaper I had been reading and pegged it at the back of his head.
“Hey!” he exclaimed, eyes widening as his head swung up to look at me.
“Assaulted by a paper from your own newspaper stand…” I solemnly replied. He didn’t seem too amused though…
“Aren’t you glad your stand has multipurpose?” I couldn’t help but continue teasing. “It acts as a pretty reminder of our first meeting place, it plunges me into deep unconsciousness whenever I accidentally smash into it at night, it acts as an entertainment medium for those boring days when your brain is just tingling for some literary exposure, and now it’s a handy ally for me when you start teasing me with no remorse!” I trilled.
He remained resting over the bed with his eyes closed.
“What’s wrong, babe?” I sighed. “You’re not laughing at my jokes.”
“I never laugh at your jokes.”
“Now now,” I chuckled, sitting next to him on the bed. I reached out and stroked his forehead gently, peering curiously at his worn face.
“I’m sorry. I’m really tired,” he explained.
“I know,” I softly confirmed, continuing to caress his face.
“That feels nice…”
I smiled and let my fingers continue to lull him to sleep.
“Get under the covers, babe,” I instructed softly and then crawled in beside him.
This wasn’t the first time I had seen him so exhausted. He put so much of his energy and soul into whatever he did. I’m sure dealing with me wasn’t helping his energy levels either…
“You drain my energy, Joongie…” he tiredly murmured. I froze for a few seconds paranoid that somehow he had gained the ability to read everything in my mind, but then I felt my lips curving into a smile at the absurdity.
“Do I?”
“Yep. You’ve completely emotionally drained me.”
“I’m sorry,” I grinned.
“Mmm. Do me a favour and wake me up tomorrow morning with a kiss like a normal boyfriend. Don’t give me heart attacks and those woeful eyes.”
“I’ll promise to resist the urge,” I assured him, draping my arm over him and leaning in closer to feel his warm body. In turn, he half rolled over as well in order to hold me.
As I closed my eyes I was surprised to feel his warm hands on my body. They had dipped under my shirt to rest on the top of my waist. It felt so strange…it was hard to stop my heart from racing.
What surprised me most of all was how much I was actually liking it. Since everything that had happened to me had forced a change in our relationship, we hadn’t been too sensual with each other. But I liked it…I liked his fingers caressing my bare skin.
Soon I could feel his hand growing heavier against my hip. He had fallen asleep and now I was supporting his dead weight. But as I concentrated on the sensation I realised that I wasn’t feeling dirty.
On a daily basis I often felt this constant anger towards the skin lying over my bones, but there was one patch that was suddenly immune to that fury…the patch under his fingers. It was a patch of shining silver peeking through the muddy surface that was my body.
I held my breath and slowly shifted my posture until Yunho’s hand slipped down across my belly. Another smear of sparking silver.
The mud…that thick mud covering me and making me feel so filthy was slowly being wiped away…
I knew I needed more. I needed Yunho’s hand to fall over the other parts of my skin…
I moved backwards until my back hit the canvas of the tent’s wall. Sitting up I tried to ignore the butterflies eating away at the walls of my stomach. Some had even escaped and were flittering anxiously against my belly trying to get out…or at least that’s what I thought had happened as I started unbuttoning my shirt.
Swallowing the large lump in my throat I began to slowly slide the material off my shoulder. I flinched as my bare skin suddenly met with the cool, night air. I was finally exposed again.
I carefully tossed the shed material behind me and lowered myself back onto the sheets. The bed cover was still swimming around my waist and I pulled it up over my cold chest to protect myself from the air.
My heart was pounding so fast it was aching behind my ribcage. Is this what it felt like for a young woman losing her virginity? People always seemed to make a big deal out if it and I could finally understand why…
Feeling around for where Yunho’s hand had dropped, I carefully felt the soft fingers lying over the sheet. And then I picked it up. When I eventually pressed it against my chest, I could feel his fingers narrowly missing my nipple.
My mouth was growing dryer as I let all the new sensations sink in. The soft sheets lightly pressing against my bare skin…his warmth melting the mud on my chest… It was all beautifully exhilarating.
My manipulation of his hands was slowly chipping his subconscious away and soon he was fidgeting in an early awakening. Still in a state of shallow slumber his hands began to move over me on their own accord and I closed my eyes, trying to continue breathing.
Just as his thumb swept over my nipple possessively, a chain reaction occurred - I flinched in both pleasure and fear, throwing him out of his disoriented mind to finally gain awareness of his surroundings.
His hand leapt off my chest as if it had been burned. Or tainted.
My cheeks reddened in humiliation at his disgust. Yes it’s me you were touching, are you now in a living nightmare?
The mud was dripping off his hands and he could obviously feel it. He hadn’t wanted to touch me after all… How he wished I hadn’t tricked him.
I moved away as far as I could so that my bare arm was no longer pressed against his chest, drowning in a deeper humiliation. I was so confused… this morning Yunho had giving me such a grand speech about not being repulsed by me or ever being disgusted. So what was this treatment? Why had the feeling of my bare chest scared him away so quickly? Did he think he felt a certain way but really feel the opposite in his subconscious?
This reaction of his…it hurt.
I could feel the mattress below us shifting as Yunho sat up on his elbow to look over at me. But my eyes were closed in a false imitation of sleep. I felt him lie back down in relief upon seeing my vacant, sleeping face… He was glad I hadn’t been conscious through his shameful groping…because that way he could forget he’d ever laid hands on the filth of his boyfriend’s skin.
Better go disinfect your hand now, Yunho. Better yet, go burn the skin off completely so that the mud can’t slip through the pores and infect your blood like how it has done to me.
I didn’t move for the rest of the night, choosing to stare blankly at the dark canvas in front of my nose. The depressing, heavy burden of my abandonment was crushing my poor heart. I had finally been abandoned by the one person I thought would always be holding my hand… I was once more a lost child left to wander the moor, eternally alone.
Once Yunho left for breakfast in the morning, I hurriedly bolted upright to hide my shameful skin with my discarded shirt. Never again… NEVER again would I let my guard down and dare to hope that things were different.
He was a kind man, my Yunho. He would never admit it to my face because he wouldn’t want to hurt me. But his subconscious disgust of my naked body told me everything his mouth didn’t have the heart to say.
I wonder if he noticed my quietness throughout the rest of the day. When he came in for lunch he tried making small talk but eventually drifted into silence when he sensed I wasn’t in the mood for speech.
“Sorry…”
“For what?”
“No, nevermind…” he sighed.
I stared down at my lunch wishing the atmosphere wasn’t so awkward. “These crackers are stale…”
“Hmm? Well you can never please a cook,” he teased.
I nodded, not feeling too in the mood for humour. He got up soon after to kiss me on the cheek before he returned to whatever his duty was.
I stood up from the bed and wandered slowly towards the entrance of the tent, peeking though the canvas to watch him walk away with the plates.
I wished I had the ability to read his mind…it would make things so much easier. Then I’d know for sure what was going on.
Sighing and shaking my head I let the canvas slip from my fingers and wandered sadly back towards my bed. On the way however, my sloppy walking sent my arm smashing into the hard edges of the stand. I cursed and lifted my arm up to inspect the damage. A strip of skin had been grazed off, the tiny droplets of blood slowly forming on the surface.
As I observed my stinging arm, a state of calm washed over me. This sudden wound was having the strangest effect on me… I felt good. This new pain was overriding the hurt I felt in my heart. For once I was able to feel something else.
I sank onto the bed still gazing at my tiny wound thoughtfully. To think that such a tiny thing could offer so much…
Finally I closed my eyes contently and welcomed the sleep back.
That night was the second night I spent lying next to Yunho without trying to get up for a cigarette.
I was being held down by painful memories. The source of all my pain was eating away at my mind and I suddenly lay victim to the torturous images being burned into my conscious.
The first night… I lost my wings.
I hadn’t understood what was happening. I’d spent a few days before that travelling with them, my hands bound and my mouth gagged. I don’t remember much about those days…only that I was sick with confusion and loneliness. My yearning for Yunho had been so suffocating that it had been the only thing I could think about as I was led far away.
They tried questioning me but I wasn’t of much help to them so they threw me into a dark room without giving any explanation of what was going to happen to me. I thought they were going to try and question me again when soldiers next walked into the room but I was wrong. They had stripped my pants away and still I didn’t understand what was happening.
I had been so shocked when I felt someone’s hard member digging into me. I could practically feel each layer of flesh being broken through as he moved too roughly. My bottom had been set on fire and the burning never subsided. Even when they finished with me the embers would remain smouldering.
The pain had been so strong that it had blocked out all my other thoughts. I couldn’t even think about Yunho and how I felt I was betraying him. Only after the first few soldiers finished with me, and I was left panting on the cold, dirty floor did I start to think about my predicament. The moment my skin had hit the floor I had known how dirty I had suddenly become. And every day the coating of mud got thicker and thicker until it covered all my skin, as thick and hard as marble.
I was stuck in a marble body even though I was rejecting such a sensation. I couldn’t be free of it. Last night I had thought that maybe Yunho was the key… I foolishly believed that he had the power to cut it away until my old skin was peeking through again. But Yunho couldn’t do it…because he didn’t want to sacrifice his beautiful skin to touch my muddy marble.
He rejected me, just as I had rejected myself.
There was no longer any hope for me.
I tried to swallow but there was something lodged in my throat. I couldn’t break it… I couldn’t breathe. The pain was violently swirling around within me again. I prayed for something to make it all end. A new pain. I needed a new pain!
Reaching over Yunho with shaking hands, I desperately grabbed the belt he always wore. With anxious fingers I felt along the worn leather until I had found what I was looking for.
I needed to sever away my heart so I would stop feeling so much! And then maybe the rest of my skin as well. It all needed to go. So that I could finally be rid of the muddy marble and be beautiful again.
I flinched as the knife broke through the skin of my chest. This pain…it was very welcome. I was being consumed by the emotional pain of my lover rejecting my body; this physical pain was a very good distraction.
Once the stream of blood was starting to soak through the material of my shirt I finally started groaning in pain.
I lay flat down onto the bed and pulled the covers up over me to hide everything. This pain was nice, but if Yunho saw it, he wouldn’t understand.
He was asleep, facing me as always. He actually looked a little worried…as if he could sense what was happening but couldn’t break free from his sleep to do anything.
He was so handsome. Why had he abandoned me too? I could handle God abandoning me because I had lost faith in such a deity a long time ago. But Yunnie… I had believed in him. He had made me believe in him only to discard me.
I gripped the knife in my hidden hand angrily, smirking lifelessly as the blade cut through the skin of my fingers as well.
Feeling my anger continuing to simmer deep within me, I momentarily dropped the blade and pulled my hand out from its sanctuary to wipe the tiny layer of blood across Yunho’s cheek. He looked like some warrior now… A cold, cruel warrior. I’ve exposed you, Yunho… I smirked.
I lifted my bloody fingers up from his skin once I felt him shifting under my touch. I hurriedly ducked my hand under the cover and picked up the knife possessively. It was mine; he couldn’t take this from me as well.
He had definitely awakened… I could feel him moving closer to me. Too close. His hip smashed into the corner of the knife I still grasped and he yelped. I felt cool air over my body as the covers were thrown back.
It was still really dark so Yunho couldn’t have seen anything even if he had wanted to. But instead I felt his hands pounding down onto the sheets and mattress violently, feeling around. He must have felt the sticky red substance of my pain because everything went into chaos after that.
“JAEJOONG!” he was screaming, stealing the knife from my hands and throwing it onto the floor. I was being lifted up over his back. I couldn’t see what was happening, but I could hear his panting.
“HANGENG!” he was screaming falling into the medical tent with me.
“NO!” I helplessly yelled, breaking out of my trance. “NO GIVE IT BACK! I NEED TO CUT IT ALL OFF!”
“JaeJoong, you are scaring me!” he cried out, tumbling flat onto the ground as I fell out of his grasp. We were waking up the whole medical tent but neither of us gave a damn.
“GIVE IT BACK, YUNHO! I’LL BE BEAUTIFUL AGAIN, I PROMISE! BUT I CAN’T BE BEAUTIFUL UNLESS I CUT IT ALL OFF!”
“JaeJoong!” He cried, his eyes filled with terror and worry.
“Yunho go! Leave him!” Hangeng was pleading, trying to stop my chest from bleeding.
“NO!” I yelled, trying to hit Hangeng. I was trying to stab him but there was nothing in my hands.
“YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE HERE!” I screamed, trying to get away from Hangeng’s restraining hands. He pushed me onto my back and I felt lots of people suddenly grabbing my limbs to pin me properly down to the ground.
“Don’t hurt him!” I could hear Yunho pleading from somewhere. Where was he? I needed to see him!
“YUNHO!” I cried, trying to escape from all the hands holding me down. I closed my eyes as their pressure increased and screamed as loud as I could when I was suddenly stripped of my garments. Hangeng started to tightly wrap the bandage around my bleeding chest and shoulders.
“Yunho-sshi, you have to go! Just for a little bit! He needs to calm down!” Hangeng instructed anxiously.
“NO, DON’T GO!” I screamed, kicking at the hands holding my legs down. In my panic I broke out of their grasp but Hangeng was grabbing my waist. I pushed him away with every single ounce of strength and scrambled away towards the medical tent’s entrance. But Hangeng was grabbing my bandage like a leash to pull me back.
Yunho looked frightened. Why was he frightened? Why was he scared of me? Don’t be scared of me, my beloved!
I reached out to him with my bloody hand but he bolted out of the tent and I fell to the ground, wailing. Hangeng was on top of me to hold me down and I screamed even louder trying to get out from underneath him. I needed space…SPACE.
I buried my head into the ground and sobbed until my whole body was shaking. Hangeng refused to get off me until all I could do was sob into my arms.
“Shush, little one,” he whispered, stroking my hair. My chest was burning from where I had cut it.
“I’m crazy…” I wept over and over again. Hangeng continued to pat my head until I had stopped hyperventilating.
“Yunho…” I sobbed. “Yunho…Yunho…Yunho…”
Someone was sticking something into me. Was it a needle? Or was it another knife? Was someone finally hearing my prayers and cutting the rest of my skin off? Thank you… Thank you…
I fell into darkness.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
My hands covered my face. I was still so shocked I couldn’t stop shaking. Someone was trying to give me coffee but I knew I wouldn’t be able to even hold the mug.
“He’s okay now…” Changmin was telling me. The boy had been woken up in all of the commotion and had strangely come to me. I think most of the camp was now awake.
“My bed is covered in his blood. I am covered in his blood.”
“I know…” the younger man softly replied.
“I can’t go back in there…”
“The medical tent?”
“No… Mine. I don’t want to see it… Please do something about it.”
“People are already cleaning it up, Yunho,” Changmin comforted, rubbing my back continuously.
“It wasn’t my fault!”
“I know.”
“I didn’t know he had it. I didn’t think he’d ever…”
“No one is blaming you, Yunho.”
“Why is he doing this to me?!”
“He’s in pain. His head is messed up. How could it not be? He just had a rough moment… The doctor said he needs to stay there for a bit in case he tries it again. I guess he’s classified as an unstable potential-suicide case now…”
“He told me he wouldn’t try to do that anymore…”
“He’s tried it before?”
“Not like that. Nothing like that. One of the North Korean rebels threatened to shoot him and he was going to let them.” I could barely summon any breath to tell Changmin the story.
“Oh my…”
“He has to go back…”
“To your tent?”
“Home. His home. Back to his family.”
“But…”
“I’ve been so selfish…keeping him here. I thought I could help him but clearly I can’t. I just disappoint him over and over again and I don’t have enough time to check on him and…”
“Yunho, this happened in the early morning, no one would have been awake to stop him. You’re not super man.”
“Yes, I am not superman. He has to go back home. If he had been any other soldier I would have enforced his early release but… I thought I could cure everything for him. I wanted him here with me. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid and selfish!”
“It’s not selfishness… You were worried about him; you didn’t want to let him go. You’d want to be there with him to make sure he got back safely. I would have done the same thing; waited until it ended…”
“I’ve made him worse.”
“No you haven’t.”
“Changmin, please deliver a message to Hangeng-sshi for me. Please let him know that I am discharging Kim JaeJoong. He’ll be given twenty-four hours to prepare, and you will be escorting him back.”
“Yunho…”
“You will refer to me as Major and you will obey my orders, private.”
“Yes Major…” he sighed, slowly getting up and disappearing from my vision.
I covered my face with my hands once more. I couldn’t look down… I couldn’t handle having to see his blood marring my uniform anymore.
Wandering hesitantly back into my quiet tent I immediately stripped all my clothes off. The frame of my bed mirrored my bareness. No sheets remained on it…it was just lying there vulnerable, just like me.
The newspaper stand lay smashed up on the ground from when I had pushed it aside to rush JaeJoong to Hangeng. I stepped over the crinkled pages and then kicked the scattered pile in all directions.
I fell onto the hard bed frame and covered my face once more. How had this happened? For gods sake, a few nights ago I had remembered making him promise that he’d wake me up with a kiss like a normal lover… And now I was being awakened with blood? WHY! Why had he stolen my knife to cut himself? Or had he been trying to cut me? It certainly had been angled in my direction before I had ripped it from his grasp.
“FUCK!” I yelled, smashing my forehead into my fingers.
I tried to breathe properly as I looked back up at the messy tent. Everything was now in disarray. I had to pack his things up…
I knew I couldn’t say goodbye…if I saw him then I would change my mind and everything would worsen again. I had to let him go now. Maybe when the war ended I’d be able to see him again somehow. I didn’t know where he lived but maybe I could find his records and get his address. I don’t know…
I just knew that I couldn’t say goodbye to him. It would make things too hard. My closure would just have to be packing all his things up.
What things? He had no things! He had just had me. And some stupid old newspaper!
I let out a shaky breath and tumbled off the uncomfortable bed frame to fall onto the floor. I wandered around on my hands and knees lifelessly to search for that one newspaper. Once I had found it half lodged under the stand, I pulled it out and grabbed a pen. I bent over the crumpled paper and searched for a blank space to write my goodbye message to him.
Trying to resist the tears building up in my vulnerable eyes I left the newspaper out for Changmin and changed into another uniform.
I still couldn’t calm down.
Rolling onto the messy, chaotic arrangement of newspapers I made a bed for myself and lay down, staring at the top of the tent. The sun was starting to burn through it and that patch of sun, blinding my eyes, was all I could focus on for many, many hours.
Goodbye my love. Be brave. You’ll get better. Until we meet again there will not be one second when I am not thinking about you and wishing for your happiness to return.
I love you.
-Your Yunho
///TBC///
A/N: I’m so sorry for the horrendous cliff hanger. I feel your pain, really I do.
Also, due to my horrible habit of writing chapters too long for their own good, it’s getting increasingly difficult to type it all up weekly SO…I’ve got no other option but to update fortnightly T_T. But since this chapter ended at such a shitty time, I’ll make an exception this time and update next week ^^
Comments lovies? ^^