Echo of Dusk - Chapter I
That tiny, innocent man, older than myself dressed from head to toe in a thick soldier’s uniform was enough to chill my heart. That awkward man with beautiful hair forced to trim it short. That gentle man forced to hold a heavy gun. It was too wrong. It was all too wrong.
The moment he had stumbled over to that newspaper stand all those months ago to greet me, I had inwardly declared my responsibility over him. When war had officially been announced I had verbally declared my vow to protect him. And had I?
I slammed my head onto the hard bones of my arm. I was a DaeWi (Captain) in the Republic of Korea’s army - unusual I know for my comparatively young age. I’d already had military experience before I started my university studies (thanks to my stubbornly patriotic father). I hadn’t enjoyed it much at all and went back to my studies to become a lawyer as soon as I could (to the dismay of my father). It wasn’t that he wasn’t satisfied with my ambition to become a lawyer; he just felt that I wasn’t doing much for my country in such an unstable time. If we were to be invaded again what could a lawyer do? Sue?
But now that every able male was called upon to assist the RoK army against the North I was immediately placed into my old rank. However, thanks to my unfortunately natural skills in combat I was quickly promoted to Captain due to the scarcity of such people - newly conscripted officers such as JaeJoong could hardly fulfill such a complicated role.
JaeJoong…
Here I was lying on my hard bed and JaeJoong was no where to be seen. He had been MIA* for almost a fortnight. For a fortnight I had stopped sleeping. No, that wasn’t entirely correct. Ever since the first bullets had been fired at us I had lost sleep, anticipating the day with horror when his luck would run out and he’d be shot. He was just another soldier in the blur of our green and brown uniform, dodging deadly bullets. I was a Captain - I had some sort of authority and yet I obviously wasn’t allowed to treat JaeJoong any differently - he was just an ordinary soldier, right? Hah. He was just another young man waiting slowly for his premature death.
I suppose the only thing I was truly grateful for was his placement into my division. I still remembered the gossip and snickering that went around the Officers barracks due to the many tales of a scrawny feminine man who made blunder after blunder throughout the training process. Back then I was amused and made sure to tease JaeJoong about his infamous profile but now I was just so grateful for it. No one really wanted to risk having to deal with him in their platoon so I was easily able to grab him for mine. That way I could at least have him near me and not have to fret about where he was and his unknown proximity to the enemy. I could protect him like I promised.
I still remember clearly the first time I called him into my tent, unhappy with the conditions the soldiers had to endure in the freezing night.
“Kim, follow me,” I had barked and he had lifted himself off the wet grass and obeyed my orders with silent confusion. When we had reached the safety and privacy of my tent I had pushed him inside and closed up the flap.
I wasn’t allowed to give him special treatment on the battlefield but I’d be damned if I let him sleep so unprotected in the freezing night air. So, night after night I ordered him to come to my tent and let him sleep next to me. It went mostly unnoticed - it was war for gods sake, who would have noticed a scrawny little thing disappearing at night, every night? But then again, he was shockingly beautiful for a man, so I’m sure he was noticed in some form.
I remember my eyes bulging almost embarrassingly out of my head when I had first laid eyes on him at that newspaper stand. His milky white porcelain skin contrasted greatly against his plump, pink lips and sinfully dark, long hair. It had honestly been the first time anyone had ever made me stare so amazed before. Not even at the university I had just finished attending in Seoul had I glimpsed such exquisite features. I don’t like to think of myself as shallow, but JaeJoong’s attractiveness certainly left a great impression on me… perhaps even instigated my affection for the smaller man.
He had looked relatively untouched and innocent when I first met him outside the restaurant he worked in before the war started. But war changed that, as it did a lot of things. Perhaps it was the fear of being torn apart by a bullet or destroyed by a bomb at any minute that reduced soldiers to a bunch of men with inflated libidos. It hadn’t occurred to me that JaeJoong would be included in that bunch of sexually frustrated men but I was sadly mistaken when one night when I found him absent from the unit’s designated sleeping area. He had fallen prey not to a prostitute like most of the other men surrounding me, but to a fellow soldier. The guy, Shim Changmin, had looked barely eighteen the way he was desperately sucking over JaeJoong’s smooth, thick, pink lips.
I suppose that was the catalyst for my determination to constantly call him over to my own bed at night. I had promised to protect him from the evils of war and kissing fellow soldiers was indeed something I felt he needed protection from - perhaps even more so than from communist bullets, because the thought that scared me almost as much as the thought of him losing his life in this damn war, was the thought of him falling foolishly in love with someone…who wasn’t me. But as the war continued to rage on I fell into the erotic trap as well and found myself craving for him as desperately as a sick man craves a sip of cool water passing his lips.
It began with a shy kiss to his forehead in the dark as he lay calmly next to me under the covers of my bed. It amazed me how it had taken me a ridiculously long time to even initiate that small form of affection. Perhaps I was just scared of rejection - he had after all shown little desire for me but for that younger, olive-skinned soldier who was embarrassingly taller than me.
The next night I had rolled over for a slightly lingering peck on his cheek. The night after that it had been both. The forth night however, had been excruciating as we both moved closer in the cold night, entangling our legs as we desperately craved the feel of each other’s body so intimately. After his shy moan escaped his beautiful lips in response to the feel of my body so close, my own control snapped loose and our lips were tenderly moving against each other. Oh, it had been pure heaven for me - I had finally found it in that god forsaken place. Yes, surrounded by the smell of blood and death was my beautiful slice of heaven; the blissful place where the sole person I felt affection for revealed for the first time his mutual feelings.
As the war drew on and the North Korean forces managed to pass through the KeumKang defensive live my fears grew bigger - fears that I would lose JaeJoong to the fucking communists. I almost fell into madness when one horrific day he returned with a shoulder wound - the results from a wretched bullet scraping the edge of his shoulder. The makeshift medical tent we had created was already in high demand so a shoulder graze was deemed hardly worthy of treatment (as ridiculously crazy as it sounds). Although he was in pain, I once again demanded that he recovered his strength next to me in my tent. I calmed down eventually with the thought that at least this wound prevented him from having to fight for a few more days.
The moment I had laid him down on my bed after the bandages had been securely wrapped around his right shoulder blade, I was kissing him so desperately our lips started turning a light purple hue. I suppose it may have seemed silly for me to be so worried over a shoulder wound when surrounding us were so many severer injuries…but it had been the first time my JaeJoong had been wounded like that. It was like a painful reminder that he was not an immortal angel after all, but a human who could bleed and lose his life. I was so scared I didn’t want to ever stop kissing him…because then the moment would last longer - the moment with us together and safe.
He was in fact still recuperating in my tent when the news that DaeJon had finally fallen to the North was proclaimed, sinking our already weary morale further downwards. I wanted this ridiculous war to end. With every fibre of my being I craved the end of this war so that I’d know JaeJoong and I were permanently safe. But when the horrific news spread of the Chinese’s entry into the war, any hope I had within myself dissolved. Mao was a crazy, relentless man who was seemingly unconcerned by a silly thing called death. I knew that none of us would be safe fighting Mao’s men.
JaeJoong sensed my constant anxiousness and tried to calm me down as often as he could with his comforting words and gentle laugh. My fears were never distilled despite his precious efforts - after all, some things just could not be as easily nursed as a shoulder wound.
It was January 1951 when we first consecrated our relationship. The New Year had finally been announced and a brief pause in the fighting caused much relief for everyone desperate to just celebrate the small joys in life. My division was gathered just a few metres away from my tent and eagerly talking about the hopes they held for the upcoming year
I tiredly warned them to remember we were fighting a war and to continue paying attention to their surroundings every now and then. The last thing we all would have wanted was the excited chatter to be our foolish downfall.
“And no alcohol!” I barked. “I know some of you bastards snuck it into camp. Try sticking a bullet in the communists whilst in a drunken stupor! I’d laugh at any of you who dared to try.”
“Yeah yeah, back off a bit Captain. We’ll behave ourselves. You know we will.”
“Uhuh. Sure. Just like how I know you’ll never give up having a good time. NO ALCOHOL!”
“We get it, we get it,” they laughed, waving me away. I sighed and smiled at JaeJoong when he caught my eye. It wasn’t as if my unit was being disrespectful to me in any way - I preferred us being friends rather than being merely strangers forced to fight together. And I hated special treatment. Unless it was from JaeJoong.
I grinned at my devious thoughts and reached out to wrap my arm around JaeJoong’s thin waist, pulling him closer.
The two of us easily slipped away from everyone and into the dark tent. Even from inside we could hear my noisy men laughing and trading amusing stories about their sweethearts and children. In fact, I started welcoming the loud chatter - it would be detrimental to us if the communists were nearby, but in a more selfishly domestic way…it would provide me and JaeJoong with the freedom to resist all noise restrictions.
“Six months,” I murmured, turning him around and holding him against me, tightly.
“War? Or us?”
“War. Can you believe it’s only been six months?” I sighed, rocking us slowly to a non-existent beat.
“Can you believe it’s already been six months?” he laughed, cheekily distorting my original question. “And we haven’t even done anything yet?”
I playfully smacked his back and let out a laugh myself. “You are definitely one of the most sexually charged men I know. How come I never figured this out when we first met? How on earth did you manage to hide it?!”
“A magician never reveals his secrets. Besides, all’s fair in love and war,” he justified.
“Ha. Ha.” I scoffed. “But I think I can think of a better use for that overused tongue of yours.”
“Hmm. Does this happen to involve dining on the dinner you’ve taken me away from?”
“Nope.”
“Drinking the champagne you’ve taken me away from?”
“There is no champagne.”
“Sure. That you know of.”
”What did I ever do to God to deserve such a rowdy, cunning, unorthodox bunch of soldiers?”
“You became an egotistical Captain, that’s what.”
“I am NOT egotistical!” I exclaimed, the mischievous mood suddenly cracking in two.
“Sure you are. You think everyone loves you because you’re wonderful.”
“Well don’t they?”
“Sure they do. Just not that much.”
“What exactly do you mean by ‘not that much’?” I warily questioned.
“Well I don’t see them in here right now, do you?” he explained. “Letting you hold them. Letting you kiss them.”
I closed my eyes in bliss as I opened my lips up to the insistent JaeJoong.
“I’d be a little concerned if they all loved me in that extremity,” I murmured quietly, already finding my energy beginning to focus entirely on experiencing pleasure from the man in front of me, instead of my wit.
My fingers slid down his shoulders possessively as his tongue hastily slipped into my mouth to be reunited with my own. Air was almost completely forgotten until my lungs started screaming for a little assistance. Damn lungs. If only I could whip them into shape like I would my soldiers.
I scarcely bothered to tone down the sound of my needy, heavy pants; finding them harmonizing perfectly with JaeJoong’s. His thick, warm breath was blowing over my face and I could barely stand still under such a deliciously seductive action.
Our foreheads accidentally banged against one another as I readily began unbuttoning his uniform shirt, half in a daze of erotic joy. Before my busy fingers even reached halfway down I impatiently gave into temptation and began searching for his lips again. I vaguely registered a backhanded thought that I couldn’t just tear his shirt open for my own impatient desires - uniforms would become scarce if the war got prolonged. So with a sigh I continued popping his buttons undone one at a time.
“Too many…” I growled and heard him chuckle.
“And you said I was sexually charged.”
“You won’t be mocking me when you have wait to get mine undone,” I hissed into his neck before hungrily biting his skin. I quickly licked over the pink patch I had made near his birthmark, overjoyed that finally I had succeeded in freeing the skin of his chest.
“So pale…” I groaned, almost in despair that JaeJoong could be so beautiful. I smiled widely as my attraction was interrupted by a series of frustrated noises.
“Much too many,” the older one complained and I couldn’t resist my laughter.
“Whoever invented buttons deserves to go to hell!” he continued to whine and I pulled him closer in gesture of mixed affection and amusement.
“Beautiful one, let me help you,” I teased.
“Yeh, like you’ll be much help. Took you long enough with mine.”
“Says the twit who never failed to come last in those training sprints. Took you long enough to finish them.”
“Fine. Touché.”
I grinned down at my funny angel. We would never be able to make love at this rate, with me laughing at everything that came out of his mouth. But then my breath hitched in my throat as I felt the bare skin of my chest finally seperate from the warm clothing that had been hiding it from JaeJoong. Hmm okay, maybe we could make love easily.
I felt JaeJoong moan softly as he pressed himself desperately against me causing both our skin, pale and tan, to melt into one another. His soft flesh was so warm against my own. I was especially immensely aware of the two hard nubs of his nipples pressing gently somewhere under mine. Oh how I wanted to lick those seductive peaks, but I could barely move with the enjoyment of feeling them pressed so tenderly against me.
Distracting thoughts began to overwhelm my pleasure-laden mind over and over again - I can feel him against me. And soon, I’ll feel the inside of him too. I could not mute those thoughts.
“I’m much better than a prostitute, aren’t I?”
“I’d say so, yes.” Why was he bringing prostitutes up for?
“Have you ever tried? Ever had sex with one here?”
Ahh. That’s why.
“Not that I was aware of, no. I’ve never experienced anything of the sexual kind since I met you.”
I had to hold my tongue and resist asking him the same regarding Shim Changmin. Somehow I knew it would ruin the mood. Especially if I knew the real answer to that black question.
Trying to faze Shin Changmin from my mind, I recommenced kissing JaeJoong’s pale neck. Before this moment had been granted to us, we had only had the joy of expressing our affection through soft midnight kisses. I wasn’t going to let this rare chance slip by, and I could feel that JaeJoong felt exactly the same.
I felt him shiver under my touch as my fingers slowly glided over his naked back. I wanted to feel every inch of skin, every hair and claim it as mine. JaeJoong soon slipped his own warm hands across my exposed back, causing me to sigh inwardly. Everything felt too good. Was it a sin for everything to feel this good? We had barely even started.
“I’m glad my first time with a guy is with you.”
My eyes opened in surprise; my fingers almost stopped their stroking. His voice had been so shy, so quiet and yet…he had definitely said it. His first time. Me.
A verbal response would have been useless in expressing my utter relief and elation so I instead found myself responding physically, kissing his lips harder than I ever had before. He almost bit my tongue in a burst of unexpected pleasure as my fingers slowly slid away from the small of his back, around his thin waist and up towards his nipples. Finally I could touch them!
His loud, incontrollable moan into my mouth told me he was just as satisfied by my tender rubbing of his nipples as I was. I passionately tilted my head further downwards in order to deepen our kissing ever further and bumped our erections against each other in the process.
JaeJoong was the first to break our kiss by flinging his head backwards, my fondling overwhelming him. My fingers on his nipples slowed down to a more reasonable pace as my mouth desperately pressed against the hollow of his neck, needing to feel some part of JaeJoong still.
I could feel his eager fingers hovering around the waistline of my pants, slowly undoing them and forcing them downwards. I wriggled my legs impatiently, frustrated that my pants weren’t falling fast enough.
“Your boots…” JaeJoong mumbled and I groaned in frustration.
“Nevermind, I’ll take care of it,” he assured, bending down to untie the darn things. I hastily sucked in my breath - as he had moved down he had run his hands down my legs, so close to my hard-on and yet not nearly close enough.
I waited for him to untie his own boots; my fingers running through his short hair impatiently. Once he was done I wasted no time pulling the rest of his uniform off, marveling greedily at the first sighting of his erect penis. Of course I’d seen it before several times during the times we had to wash ourselves in the river, but never had I seen it in this condition - so large, so eager to be touched.
I’m sure ordinarily I would have taken the opportunity to make some sly, witty remark about his impressive weaponry but my maddening desire to feel me inside of him as soon as possible killed all energy for my wit.
“Let my put this on you,” JaeJoong insisted, holding up the familiar packaging of the condom.
“Where exactly did you get that from?” I accused, heatedly.
“One of the boys,” he replied, innocently.
“You planned this, didn’t you.”
“Now now, how could you accuse me of something that vulgar?”
“How could I indeed?” I smirked, pulling him towards me again for another kiss. His assertive manner was certainly a surprise to me…although I should have recognized the signs when we used to meet at the newspaper stand every morning. Or when he’d insist on kissing me endlessly late at night when all I wished for was some sleep. But could I ever get away with turning him down? No. Never. He was much too scary when he didn’t get what he wanted.
I dropped onto the hard bed and curiously watched JaeJoong’s quick fingers slid the latex over my erection. It was so seductive…
“Oi. Wonderboy. Aren’t you forgetting something in this brilliant preparation of yours?”
“Like what?” he asked, eyebrows knitting together in disapproval of my criticism.
“Like lubricant.”
“Lubricant?” he repeated.
“Uhuh.”
“What’s that?”
I grinned widely, and flung myself forward to move his head towards mine. “You are so adorably innocent, sometimes!” I exclaimed, kissing the top of his nose once and then twice. “Let’s have a little science lessen shall we?”
He didn’t look impressed by my teasing, encouraging me all the more to continue with it.
“In case it has slipped your mind, my male organ is comparably larger than the hole you intend for me to stick it through.”
“Don’t flatter yourself…” he mumbled, causing me to grin wider.
“So there is a brilliant solution for all of this!”
“Lubricant.”
”My my, you’re catching on fast, aren’t ya!”
“Stop talking and pass it to me then, you egotistical ass.”
Laughing at his blatant sulking, I picked the small tube up from the bottom pocket of my bag and placed it into his awaiting palm. “Go on wonderboy,” I encouraged.
“Don’t order me around! I’m the older one here,” he hissed, rubbing the slippery concoction over me.
“I’m the captain here, private.”
“Not when there’s just the two of us, you’re not.”
“JaeJoong, sugarbun, where did all this aggressive assertion come from? Is my experience intimidating you to the point of inadequacy?”
“Yunho, muffin cake, stop trying to figure me out,” he sarcastically replied.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” I triumphantly teased, my hand slipping under his jaw and pulling it upwards for another kiss. I laid him down gently on the hard make-shift bedding and moved on top of him.
“I’ll try not to hurt you,” I promised, my tone void of the teasing that once occupied it. When he started to defensively insist on his extraordinary pain-threshold I quietly silenced him. He didn’t need to remain all manly on me; I already knew how tough he was.
I could hear his breath subtly quiver as I traced his rim with my index finger before carefully slipping it in. The next finger soon slipped through and but it didn’t take long for JaeJoong body to relax - he really did have an impressive pain threshold.
Although it had been a while since this body had found adequate relief, and as eager as I was to melt completely into JaeJoong, his comfort was of utmost importance to me. I would never ever wish see him suffering - especially if it was from my own doing.
“Hurry, Yunho. I need…”
I smiled lovingly and carefully slid my wet fingers out, finally replacing it cautiously with my hard-on.
“Are you okay?” I quietly questioned, my breath quickening from the immense pleasure of my erection enveloped in JaeJoong’s tight warmth.
He grunted an affirmative, concentrating on the temporary pain my pleasure was causing him. Funny how there always has to be a sacrifice for the enjoyable things in life to occur.
Already I could see the beginning of sweat droplets decorating his pale forehead, sticking his quickly dampening hair against his forehead. I knew I’d never be able to forget the image of him there underneath me, eyes closed taking in every sensation for later recollection, back arching in supreme pleasure, beautiful raven hair damp and short across his forehead. I had never seen such beautiful breathtaking image. If only I could paint every detail as perfect as it was now before me; the first masterpiece to hang on the wall in my mind.
Every single second after that was unbelievable. As I gently thrust back and forward within him, we’d both mutually cry out in pleasure and longing. I’d never felt so high on love before, nor so happy with life despite our country’s current situation. Two people were finally one and no one could separate us. We had become one ultimate being and I had never felt so much power and weakness at the same time.
“YUN-HO!“
“JAE-JOONG!“
…After we climaxed we didn’t even want to wipe any of it away…why wipe away the evidence of our magical bond and love?
I rested my head on his damp shoulder, closing my eyes as I felt his chin resting on the top of my own head.
JaeJoong and I. I and JaeJoong. Forever complete. For who was I without JaeJoong? Who was he without me?
As we lay in the newly quiet tent we could both barely block out the close chatter of troops. Ah yes…we weren’t alone anymore. Tomorrow the chatter would be gone and everything would be back to tense anticipation of conflict. Conflict where JaeJoong would be present, and so much closer to the front than I was. Close to the guns. Close to the blood. Close to the beckoning death.
What if tomorrow something happened? Or the next day? Or now?
I shuddered and nestled my head further against his warm skin. Now that I had experienced such an amazing fusion I ironically felt more insecure.
“What’s wrong, Yunnie?” I heard him whisper, always in tune with my anxiety. But his genuine, sweet concern made that threat of separation which constantly and sneakily crept through my veins, so much more terrifying.
“I don’t want to lose you. Especially in this place,” I finally broke down, kissing the milky skin of his risen triceps.
“Yunnie-baby,” he quietly comforted, stroking my cheek. “I’m a guy. I can defend myself just as well as any other man can. Besides, I’m not going anywhere whilst I’ve got a guardian angel protecting me.”
“I’m not a guardian angel. I’m not that strong,” I argued desperately.
“Of course you are. Where has that irritating ego of yours gone, huh? Where’s your faith, soldier?” he assured, tenderly pressing his wet lips against my own.
I choked back the need to burst into an anguish-filled sob. But I had failed. I had lost him, barely even sixteen days after we had finally warmed the sheets with our naked bodies and love-induced sweat.
Every day my loneliness suffocated any speck of happiness I ever had within me. Every spare minute I had, I prayed for the day he would come back to me.
Every second my heart hurt. My body ached. My tears which were so poorly resisted against bathed my cheeks in comforting warmth.
It is the only warmth I ever feel these days. For now this bed is cold.
And I am alone in it.
And JaeJoong is still MIA.
////TBC////
*MIA = Missing In Action - a status assigned to a member of the armed services who is reported missing following combat and may be injured, captured, or dead. (Good old Wikipedia.)
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The moment he had stumbled over to that newspaper stand all those months ago to greet me, I had inwardly declared my responsibility over him. When war had officially been announced I had verbally declared my vow to protect him. And had I?
I slammed my head onto the hard bones of my arm. I was a DaeWi (Captain) in the Republic of Korea’s army - unusual I know for my comparatively young age. I’d already had military experience before I started my university studies (thanks to my stubbornly patriotic father). I hadn’t enjoyed it much at all and went back to my studies to become a lawyer as soon as I could (to the dismay of my father). It wasn’t that he wasn’t satisfied with my ambition to become a lawyer; he just felt that I wasn’t doing much for my country in such an unstable time. If we were to be invaded again what could a lawyer do? Sue?
But now that every able male was called upon to assist the RoK army against the North I was immediately placed into my old rank. However, thanks to my unfortunately natural skills in combat I was quickly promoted to Captain due to the scarcity of such people - newly conscripted officers such as JaeJoong could hardly fulfill such a complicated role.
JaeJoong…
Here I was lying on my hard bed and JaeJoong was no where to be seen. He had been MIA* for almost a fortnight. For a fortnight I had stopped sleeping. No, that wasn’t entirely correct. Ever since the first bullets had been fired at us I had lost sleep, anticipating the day with horror when his luck would run out and he’d be shot. He was just another soldier in the blur of our green and brown uniform, dodging deadly bullets. I was a Captain - I had some sort of authority and yet I obviously wasn’t allowed to treat JaeJoong any differently - he was just an ordinary soldier, right? Hah. He was just another young man waiting slowly for his premature death.
I suppose the only thing I was truly grateful for was his placement into my division. I still remembered the gossip and snickering that went around the Officers barracks due to the many tales of a scrawny feminine man who made blunder after blunder throughout the training process. Back then I was amused and made sure to tease JaeJoong about his infamous profile but now I was just so grateful for it. No one really wanted to risk having to deal with him in their platoon so I was easily able to grab him for mine. That way I could at least have him near me and not have to fret about where he was and his unknown proximity to the enemy. I could protect him like I promised.
I still remember clearly the first time I called him into my tent, unhappy with the conditions the soldiers had to endure in the freezing night.
“Kim, follow me,” I had barked and he had lifted himself off the wet grass and obeyed my orders with silent confusion. When we had reached the safety and privacy of my tent I had pushed him inside and closed up the flap.
I wasn’t allowed to give him special treatment on the battlefield but I’d be damned if I let him sleep so unprotected in the freezing night air. So, night after night I ordered him to come to my tent and let him sleep next to me. It went mostly unnoticed - it was war for gods sake, who would have noticed a scrawny little thing disappearing at night, every night? But then again, he was shockingly beautiful for a man, so I’m sure he was noticed in some form.
I remember my eyes bulging almost embarrassingly out of my head when I had first laid eyes on him at that newspaper stand. His milky white porcelain skin contrasted greatly against his plump, pink lips and sinfully dark, long hair. It had honestly been the first time anyone had ever made me stare so amazed before. Not even at the university I had just finished attending in Seoul had I glimpsed such exquisite features. I don’t like to think of myself as shallow, but JaeJoong’s attractiveness certainly left a great impression on me… perhaps even instigated my affection for the smaller man.
He had looked relatively untouched and innocent when I first met him outside the restaurant he worked in before the war started. But war changed that, as it did a lot of things. Perhaps it was the fear of being torn apart by a bullet or destroyed by a bomb at any minute that reduced soldiers to a bunch of men with inflated libidos. It hadn’t occurred to me that JaeJoong would be included in that bunch of sexually frustrated men but I was sadly mistaken when one night when I found him absent from the unit’s designated sleeping area. He had fallen prey not to a prostitute like most of the other men surrounding me, but to a fellow soldier. The guy, Shim Changmin, had looked barely eighteen the way he was desperately sucking over JaeJoong’s smooth, thick, pink lips.
I suppose that was the catalyst for my determination to constantly call him over to my own bed at night. I had promised to protect him from the evils of war and kissing fellow soldiers was indeed something I felt he needed protection from - perhaps even more so than from communist bullets, because the thought that scared me almost as much as the thought of him losing his life in this damn war, was the thought of him falling foolishly in love with someone…who wasn’t me. But as the war continued to rage on I fell into the erotic trap as well and found myself craving for him as desperately as a sick man craves a sip of cool water passing his lips.
It began with a shy kiss to his forehead in the dark as he lay calmly next to me under the covers of my bed. It amazed me how it had taken me a ridiculously long time to even initiate that small form of affection. Perhaps I was just scared of rejection - he had after all shown little desire for me but for that younger, olive-skinned soldier who was embarrassingly taller than me.
The next night I had rolled over for a slightly lingering peck on his cheek. The night after that it had been both. The forth night however, had been excruciating as we both moved closer in the cold night, entangling our legs as we desperately craved the feel of each other’s body so intimately. After his shy moan escaped his beautiful lips in response to the feel of my body so close, my own control snapped loose and our lips were tenderly moving against each other. Oh, it had been pure heaven for me - I had finally found it in that god forsaken place. Yes, surrounded by the smell of blood and death was my beautiful slice of heaven; the blissful place where the sole person I felt affection for revealed for the first time his mutual feelings.
As the war drew on and the North Korean forces managed to pass through the KeumKang defensive live my fears grew bigger - fears that I would lose JaeJoong to the fucking communists. I almost fell into madness when one horrific day he returned with a shoulder wound - the results from a wretched bullet scraping the edge of his shoulder. The makeshift medical tent we had created was already in high demand so a shoulder graze was deemed hardly worthy of treatment (as ridiculously crazy as it sounds). Although he was in pain, I once again demanded that he recovered his strength next to me in my tent. I calmed down eventually with the thought that at least this wound prevented him from having to fight for a few more days.
The moment I had laid him down on my bed after the bandages had been securely wrapped around his right shoulder blade, I was kissing him so desperately our lips started turning a light purple hue. I suppose it may have seemed silly for me to be so worried over a shoulder wound when surrounding us were so many severer injuries…but it had been the first time my JaeJoong had been wounded like that. It was like a painful reminder that he was not an immortal angel after all, but a human who could bleed and lose his life. I was so scared I didn’t want to ever stop kissing him…because then the moment would last longer - the moment with us together and safe.
He was in fact still recuperating in my tent when the news that DaeJon had finally fallen to the North was proclaimed, sinking our already weary morale further downwards. I wanted this ridiculous war to end. With every fibre of my being I craved the end of this war so that I’d know JaeJoong and I were permanently safe. But when the horrific news spread of the Chinese’s entry into the war, any hope I had within myself dissolved. Mao was a crazy, relentless man who was seemingly unconcerned by a silly thing called death. I knew that none of us would be safe fighting Mao’s men.
JaeJoong sensed my constant anxiousness and tried to calm me down as often as he could with his comforting words and gentle laugh. My fears were never distilled despite his precious efforts - after all, some things just could not be as easily nursed as a shoulder wound.
It was January 1951 when we first consecrated our relationship. The New Year had finally been announced and a brief pause in the fighting caused much relief for everyone desperate to just celebrate the small joys in life. My division was gathered just a few metres away from my tent and eagerly talking about the hopes they held for the upcoming year
I tiredly warned them to remember we were fighting a war and to continue paying attention to their surroundings every now and then. The last thing we all would have wanted was the excited chatter to be our foolish downfall.
“And no alcohol!” I barked. “I know some of you bastards snuck it into camp. Try sticking a bullet in the communists whilst in a drunken stupor! I’d laugh at any of you who dared to try.”
“Yeah yeah, back off a bit Captain. We’ll behave ourselves. You know we will.”
“Uhuh. Sure. Just like how I know you’ll never give up having a good time. NO ALCOHOL!”
“We get it, we get it,” they laughed, waving me away. I sighed and smiled at JaeJoong when he caught my eye. It wasn’t as if my unit was being disrespectful to me in any way - I preferred us being friends rather than being merely strangers forced to fight together. And I hated special treatment. Unless it was from JaeJoong.
I grinned at my devious thoughts and reached out to wrap my arm around JaeJoong’s thin waist, pulling him closer.
The two of us easily slipped away from everyone and into the dark tent. Even from inside we could hear my noisy men laughing and trading amusing stories about their sweethearts and children. In fact, I started welcoming the loud chatter - it would be detrimental to us if the communists were nearby, but in a more selfishly domestic way…it would provide me and JaeJoong with the freedom to resist all noise restrictions.
“Six months,” I murmured, turning him around and holding him against me, tightly.
“War? Or us?”
“War. Can you believe it’s only been six months?” I sighed, rocking us slowly to a non-existent beat.
“Can you believe it’s already been six months?” he laughed, cheekily distorting my original question. “And we haven’t even done anything yet?”
I playfully smacked his back and let out a laugh myself. “You are definitely one of the most sexually charged men I know. How come I never figured this out when we first met? How on earth did you manage to hide it?!”
“A magician never reveals his secrets. Besides, all’s fair in love and war,” he justified.
“Ha. Ha.” I scoffed. “But I think I can think of a better use for that overused tongue of yours.”
“Hmm. Does this happen to involve dining on the dinner you’ve taken me away from?”
“Nope.”
“Drinking the champagne you’ve taken me away from?”
“There is no champagne.”
“Sure. That you know of.”
”What did I ever do to God to deserve such a rowdy, cunning, unorthodox bunch of soldiers?”
“You became an egotistical Captain, that’s what.”
“I am NOT egotistical!” I exclaimed, the mischievous mood suddenly cracking in two.
“Sure you are. You think everyone loves you because you’re wonderful.”
“Well don’t they?”
“Sure they do. Just not that much.”
“What exactly do you mean by ‘not that much’?” I warily questioned.
“Well I don’t see them in here right now, do you?” he explained. “Letting you hold them. Letting you kiss them.”
I closed my eyes in bliss as I opened my lips up to the insistent JaeJoong.
“I’d be a little concerned if they all loved me in that extremity,” I murmured quietly, already finding my energy beginning to focus entirely on experiencing pleasure from the man in front of me, instead of my wit.
My fingers slid down his shoulders possessively as his tongue hastily slipped into my mouth to be reunited with my own. Air was almost completely forgotten until my lungs started screaming for a little assistance. Damn lungs. If only I could whip them into shape like I would my soldiers.
I scarcely bothered to tone down the sound of my needy, heavy pants; finding them harmonizing perfectly with JaeJoong’s. His thick, warm breath was blowing over my face and I could barely stand still under such a deliciously seductive action.
Our foreheads accidentally banged against one another as I readily began unbuttoning his uniform shirt, half in a daze of erotic joy. Before my busy fingers even reached halfway down I impatiently gave into temptation and began searching for his lips again. I vaguely registered a backhanded thought that I couldn’t just tear his shirt open for my own impatient desires - uniforms would become scarce if the war got prolonged. So with a sigh I continued popping his buttons undone one at a time.
“Too many…” I growled and heard him chuckle.
“And you said I was sexually charged.”
“You won’t be mocking me when you have wait to get mine undone,” I hissed into his neck before hungrily biting his skin. I quickly licked over the pink patch I had made near his birthmark, overjoyed that finally I had succeeded in freeing the skin of his chest.
“So pale…” I groaned, almost in despair that JaeJoong could be so beautiful. I smiled widely as my attraction was interrupted by a series of frustrated noises.
“Much too many,” the older one complained and I couldn’t resist my laughter.
“Whoever invented buttons deserves to go to hell!” he continued to whine and I pulled him closer in gesture of mixed affection and amusement.
“Beautiful one, let me help you,” I teased.
“Yeh, like you’ll be much help. Took you long enough with mine.”
“Says the twit who never failed to come last in those training sprints. Took you long enough to finish them.”
“Fine. Touché.”
I grinned down at my funny angel. We would never be able to make love at this rate, with me laughing at everything that came out of his mouth. But then my breath hitched in my throat as I felt the bare skin of my chest finally seperate from the warm clothing that had been hiding it from JaeJoong. Hmm okay, maybe we could make love easily.
I felt JaeJoong moan softly as he pressed himself desperately against me causing both our skin, pale and tan, to melt into one another. His soft flesh was so warm against my own. I was especially immensely aware of the two hard nubs of his nipples pressing gently somewhere under mine. Oh how I wanted to lick those seductive peaks, but I could barely move with the enjoyment of feeling them pressed so tenderly against me.
Distracting thoughts began to overwhelm my pleasure-laden mind over and over again - I can feel him against me. And soon, I’ll feel the inside of him too. I could not mute those thoughts.
“I’m much better than a prostitute, aren’t I?”
“I’d say so, yes.” Why was he bringing prostitutes up for?
“Have you ever tried? Ever had sex with one here?”
Ahh. That’s why.
“Not that I was aware of, no. I’ve never experienced anything of the sexual kind since I met you.”
I had to hold my tongue and resist asking him the same regarding Shim Changmin. Somehow I knew it would ruin the mood. Especially if I knew the real answer to that black question.
Trying to faze Shin Changmin from my mind, I recommenced kissing JaeJoong’s pale neck. Before this moment had been granted to us, we had only had the joy of expressing our affection through soft midnight kisses. I wasn’t going to let this rare chance slip by, and I could feel that JaeJoong felt exactly the same.
I felt him shiver under my touch as my fingers slowly glided over his naked back. I wanted to feel every inch of skin, every hair and claim it as mine. JaeJoong soon slipped his own warm hands across my exposed back, causing me to sigh inwardly. Everything felt too good. Was it a sin for everything to feel this good? We had barely even started.
“I’m glad my first time with a guy is with you.”
My eyes opened in surprise; my fingers almost stopped their stroking. His voice had been so shy, so quiet and yet…he had definitely said it. His first time. Me.
A verbal response would have been useless in expressing my utter relief and elation so I instead found myself responding physically, kissing his lips harder than I ever had before. He almost bit my tongue in a burst of unexpected pleasure as my fingers slowly slid away from the small of his back, around his thin waist and up towards his nipples. Finally I could touch them!
His loud, incontrollable moan into my mouth told me he was just as satisfied by my tender rubbing of his nipples as I was. I passionately tilted my head further downwards in order to deepen our kissing ever further and bumped our erections against each other in the process.
JaeJoong was the first to break our kiss by flinging his head backwards, my fondling overwhelming him. My fingers on his nipples slowed down to a more reasonable pace as my mouth desperately pressed against the hollow of his neck, needing to feel some part of JaeJoong still.
I could feel his eager fingers hovering around the waistline of my pants, slowly undoing them and forcing them downwards. I wriggled my legs impatiently, frustrated that my pants weren’t falling fast enough.
“Your boots…” JaeJoong mumbled and I groaned in frustration.
“Nevermind, I’ll take care of it,” he assured, bending down to untie the darn things. I hastily sucked in my breath - as he had moved down he had run his hands down my legs, so close to my hard-on and yet not nearly close enough.
I waited for him to untie his own boots; my fingers running through his short hair impatiently. Once he was done I wasted no time pulling the rest of his uniform off, marveling greedily at the first sighting of his erect penis. Of course I’d seen it before several times during the times we had to wash ourselves in the river, but never had I seen it in this condition - so large, so eager to be touched.
I’m sure ordinarily I would have taken the opportunity to make some sly, witty remark about his impressive weaponry but my maddening desire to feel me inside of him as soon as possible killed all energy for my wit.
“Let my put this on you,” JaeJoong insisted, holding up the familiar packaging of the condom.
“Where exactly did you get that from?” I accused, heatedly.
“One of the boys,” he replied, innocently.
“You planned this, didn’t you.”
“Now now, how could you accuse me of something that vulgar?”
“How could I indeed?” I smirked, pulling him towards me again for another kiss. His assertive manner was certainly a surprise to me…although I should have recognized the signs when we used to meet at the newspaper stand every morning. Or when he’d insist on kissing me endlessly late at night when all I wished for was some sleep. But could I ever get away with turning him down? No. Never. He was much too scary when he didn’t get what he wanted.
I dropped onto the hard bed and curiously watched JaeJoong’s quick fingers slid the latex over my erection. It was so seductive…
“Oi. Wonderboy. Aren’t you forgetting something in this brilliant preparation of yours?”
“Like what?” he asked, eyebrows knitting together in disapproval of my criticism.
“Like lubricant.”
“Lubricant?” he repeated.
“Uhuh.”
“What’s that?”
I grinned widely, and flung myself forward to move his head towards mine. “You are so adorably innocent, sometimes!” I exclaimed, kissing the top of his nose once and then twice. “Let’s have a little science lessen shall we?”
He didn’t look impressed by my teasing, encouraging me all the more to continue with it.
“In case it has slipped your mind, my male organ is comparably larger than the hole you intend for me to stick it through.”
“Don’t flatter yourself…” he mumbled, causing me to grin wider.
“So there is a brilliant solution for all of this!”
“Lubricant.”
”My my, you’re catching on fast, aren’t ya!”
“Stop talking and pass it to me then, you egotistical ass.”
Laughing at his blatant sulking, I picked the small tube up from the bottom pocket of my bag and placed it into his awaiting palm. “Go on wonderboy,” I encouraged.
“Don’t order me around! I’m the older one here,” he hissed, rubbing the slippery concoction over me.
“I’m the captain here, private.”
“Not when there’s just the two of us, you’re not.”
“JaeJoong, sugarbun, where did all this aggressive assertion come from? Is my experience intimidating you to the point of inadequacy?”
“Yunho, muffin cake, stop trying to figure me out,” he sarcastically replied.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” I triumphantly teased, my hand slipping under his jaw and pulling it upwards for another kiss. I laid him down gently on the hard make-shift bedding and moved on top of him.
“I’ll try not to hurt you,” I promised, my tone void of the teasing that once occupied it. When he started to defensively insist on his extraordinary pain-threshold I quietly silenced him. He didn’t need to remain all manly on me; I already knew how tough he was.
I could hear his breath subtly quiver as I traced his rim with my index finger before carefully slipping it in. The next finger soon slipped through and but it didn’t take long for JaeJoong body to relax - he really did have an impressive pain threshold.
Although it had been a while since this body had found adequate relief, and as eager as I was to melt completely into JaeJoong, his comfort was of utmost importance to me. I would never ever wish see him suffering - especially if it was from my own doing.
“Hurry, Yunho. I need…”
I smiled lovingly and carefully slid my wet fingers out, finally replacing it cautiously with my hard-on.
“Are you okay?” I quietly questioned, my breath quickening from the immense pleasure of my erection enveloped in JaeJoong’s tight warmth.
He grunted an affirmative, concentrating on the temporary pain my pleasure was causing him. Funny how there always has to be a sacrifice for the enjoyable things in life to occur.
Already I could see the beginning of sweat droplets decorating his pale forehead, sticking his quickly dampening hair against his forehead. I knew I’d never be able to forget the image of him there underneath me, eyes closed taking in every sensation for later recollection, back arching in supreme pleasure, beautiful raven hair damp and short across his forehead. I had never seen such beautiful breathtaking image. If only I could paint every detail as perfect as it was now before me; the first masterpiece to hang on the wall in my mind.
Every single second after that was unbelievable. As I gently thrust back and forward within him, we’d both mutually cry out in pleasure and longing. I’d never felt so high on love before, nor so happy with life despite our country’s current situation. Two people were finally one and no one could separate us. We had become one ultimate being and I had never felt so much power and weakness at the same time.
“YUN-HO!“
“JAE-JOONG!“
…After we climaxed we didn’t even want to wipe any of it away…why wipe away the evidence of our magical bond and love?
I rested my head on his damp shoulder, closing my eyes as I felt his chin resting on the top of my own head.
JaeJoong and I. I and JaeJoong. Forever complete. For who was I without JaeJoong? Who was he without me?
As we lay in the newly quiet tent we could both barely block out the close chatter of troops. Ah yes…we weren’t alone anymore. Tomorrow the chatter would be gone and everything would be back to tense anticipation of conflict. Conflict where JaeJoong would be present, and so much closer to the front than I was. Close to the guns. Close to the blood. Close to the beckoning death.
What if tomorrow something happened? Or the next day? Or now?
I shuddered and nestled my head further against his warm skin. Now that I had experienced such an amazing fusion I ironically felt more insecure.
“What’s wrong, Yunnie?” I heard him whisper, always in tune with my anxiety. But his genuine, sweet concern made that threat of separation which constantly and sneakily crept through my veins, so much more terrifying.
“I don’t want to lose you. Especially in this place,” I finally broke down, kissing the milky skin of his risen triceps.
“Yunnie-baby,” he quietly comforted, stroking my cheek. “I’m a guy. I can defend myself just as well as any other man can. Besides, I’m not going anywhere whilst I’ve got a guardian angel protecting me.”
“I’m not a guardian angel. I’m not that strong,” I argued desperately.
“Of course you are. Where has that irritating ego of yours gone, huh? Where’s your faith, soldier?” he assured, tenderly pressing his wet lips against my own.
I choked back the need to burst into an anguish-filled sob. But I had failed. I had lost him, barely even sixteen days after we had finally warmed the sheets with our naked bodies and love-induced sweat.
Every day my loneliness suffocated any speck of happiness I ever had within me. Every spare minute I had, I prayed for the day he would come back to me.
Every second my heart hurt. My body ached. My tears which were so poorly resisted against bathed my cheeks in comforting warmth.
It is the only warmth I ever feel these days. For now this bed is cold.
And I am alone in it.
And JaeJoong is still MIA.
////TBC////
*MIA = Missing In Action - a status assigned to a member of the armed services who is reported missing following combat and may be injured, captured, or dead. (Good old Wikipedia.)
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