explosions in the sky - how strange, innocence - snow and lights/time well wasted - monaboyd - 1/1

[wilchel]

Title: Snow and Lights/Time Well Wasted
Author: wilchel
Disclaimer: Title of series is a band name, half of the title of every oneshot is a song name, division name is the name of an album. I was putting it off, but I certainly don't own Billy and Dominic, because I'd be bragging about it if I did.
Fandom: lotrips, generally Monaboyd. (Trying for all NZ; not sure if this will be possible, but I feel like there hasn't been much NZ fic for a while.) (Hey, I should mention that each installment in this series is not meant to be related to the last. They're all just one-shots inspired by the same band; not chapters.)
Medium: fan fiction
Pairing: Monaboyd
Characters: Billy, Dominic - Elijah and Sean, too, but they really don't do anything, as I only mention them in passing.
Rating: PG blah blah blah.
Word Count: 4168
Summary: "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I need someone to hold me back, and I want that person to be you?"
Author's Notes: OH MY GOD. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THIS. It takes a lot for me to actually enjoy something I've written, but this is one of those things that I'm really glad I wrote. The funny thing is, it took me at least five times listening to Snow and Lights to get the inspiration to this one, whereas for Die/Breathe it was like 'I GOTS IT' the first time, and I didn't have to listen to it again. Anyway, I'm really enjoying how this turned out. Also, lolz @ Dominic when he pulled a Patrick - the 'So... us,' line is based off of when my friend Patrick said to my friend, Jaclyn, 'So... you and Willow." I had to do it. :) p.s. hai guise. feedback? even if it's bad. i need to know i'm not writing things that don't mean anything to anybody. listen to snow and lights here.

It's familiar. The whole feeling of the club, the lights, the sweat, the people bumping into him - it's all so familiar to him, but there's something missing. Billy. Sure, Billy's sitting in the corner, talking to Sean. Elijah and Dom had ventured out on the floor, dancing; and then Dominic had lost interest when Elijah - well, Elijah disappeared. Elijah disappeared a lot in clubs, though, so it wasn't like a rare occurrence or anything. They all knew that there was a likelihood they wouldn't be seeing him for the rest of the night, and quite frankly, Dom didn't care. Now that he was thinking about it, he'd sort of been faking the mood. Had been for the past two weeks.

They didn't avoid each other by any means. But it wasn't the same. One glorious day in bed, Billy had even promised this wouldn't change anything - and if it did, for the better. But they'd had sex how many times, held each other how many times, spent how many hours under the covers together - and then Billy had woken up the next morning and rambled on about how 'I'm not the one for you, Dom. We can't be in a relationship, we can't - '

Well, what did Billy know about who was the one for him? Dominic didn't know either, but he could at least try for Billy to be the one. He wanted Billy to be the one. More than he could even admit to himself, until now. Sure, Billy is his best friend, and knows him perfectly, but that doesn't mean that he is inside his head, and that certainly doesn't mean he can choose who he could and couldn't date, damnit. Even if Billy would be a part of this relationship. Dom was too busy being indignant to think about the fact a relationship involved two people, not just one.

Still, they'd been best friends. They were inseparable, on set. They cracked jokes, on set. They were still literally attached at the hip - always touching, on set. Anywhere else? Not really. After they left their trailer, Dom's fatsuit and their hobbit costumes left behind, they weren't Dom'n'Billy. They were two different people, who were more passing acquaintances than anything else. If friends dragged them out after a hard day of shooting, they put on the charade for an extended period of time. Like tonight, when Elijah came in for feet this morning with his fingers tapping, barely able to keep still. It had actually been Billy who suggested he go out and burn some off his energy. At which point he'd answered so enthusiastically that Billy never really got to finish his statement. And then Elijah had started practically shouting about how they should go to a club tonight, inviting his friends and not waiting for their responses, but assuming. Dom couldn't back down, no matter how tired he was, no matter how much he wasn't up for it. Elijah didn't shut up for a full ten minutes about it, and then continued on more about it during the day. There reached a point where Dominic had asked Elijah what he had smoked that morning, which had ended in fits of giggles and him explaining how wired he was. Dominic didn't listen to most of this.

Dom hadn't been to Billy's house since the morning he left after their day off, the day had they spent in bed. He doesn't want to ever go back. It hurts too much, thinking about how he'd have to see the sheets that Billy had most likely thrown directly in the wash after Dominic had left. Dom doesn't exactly blame him.

He's sick of this, that's for sure.

The song changes to something more upbeat than the last song, if possible. Dominic has to fight through the crowds of people his age and younger, crashing against him, not caring about anything. Dominic, for the first time in a long time, realizes that he wishes he could have that kind of detachment. Wishes he could just dance away the worry that him and Billy will never be the same again; never be best friends again.

It takes Dominic until he is outside, in the snow, in the cold, to realize he is crying. When he was little, he loved snow; right now, he wishes it was more than just constant white blaring into his eyes. He needs color. Color and life cheers him up. Now all there is outside is dead trees and white. Not exactly his definition of lively or happy.

He leans against the brick wall, his legs soon giving out from under him. So now he is sitting in two inches of snow, suddenly wishing he wore underwear. Suddenly wishing he had his jacket, which was snugly tucked in between Billy and the wall of the booth he was sitting at. But he can't go back and get it; especially given now that he is crying, and his eye liner be damned, he'd wiped away tears. There's nothing outside; no music to distract him, no people to bump into him, no sweaty bodies to discern from one another. All there was, in Dominic's mind, was the little happy bit of him left nagging in the back of his mind about how fun it would be to try to catch a snowflake on his tongue right now.

But that almost sounded too exciting.

Suddenly, he gives up. On Billy, on Lord of the Rings, on New Zealand, on everything. No expectations anymore. It just was. He'd finish the work, finish the promotions, the meet-and-greets and the premieres - everything. And then he'd forget about Billy, move to Hollywood like Elijah insisted. That way, there would be no more disappointments. No more, "Is he going to hug me?", "Is he going to confess that he's an idiot and we should be together now?" He'll just, you know, surround himself with people that aren't Billy, who don't resemble Billy, and don't act like him at all. No reminders. Nothing. Over it.

(Not really; or at least, it isn't going to be that easy, but - )

He is shivering now, to the point his teeth are chattering. Why hadn't he realized it was this cold out earlier? (Oh, right, because he was wearing a coat. And, you know, standing next to Billy might have had a little bit to do with that.)

He is so busy shivering and trying to remember what warmth felt like that he doesn't notice Billy when he is standing a little to the left of him. It was the clearing of his throat that eventually drew Dom's attention towards Billy. Once seeing him there, Dominic feels rather stupid. He tried to stop the shivering; he shivers more, as a result.

"Hey."

"H-hey."

"You look cold."

"A-a l-little bit."

"I brought your coat." Billy takes his hands from behind his back, handing the warm-looking sweatshirt to Dominic. If Dominic hadn't felt frozen, he might have jumped at it.

"Thanks," Dominic mutters, shrugging into the sleeves. He wraps his arms around himself, only to discover that the source of this incredible cold probably has something to do with the fact that he was sitting in the snow. This had probably not been his greatest idea.

"Need some help?" There Billy went again, reading his mind. He holds out a hand, which Dom takes wordlessly, for fear his voice would betray him and jump an octave. "Jaysus Christ, Dom. You're hands are freezing."

"I can't feel them," Dom mutters, as he looks down, embarrassed more by the fact that he'd just stumbled into Billy, than the fact that Billy's still holding his hands, rubbing them, trying to get them warmer. Dominic sort of wants to ask him to stop, since it's like false hope. But he'll enjoy it while it lasts, because he doesn't have the audacity to stop him.

And then Billy is wrapping an arm around him, and Dominic is sinking into him. Physically, he's freezing, but mentally, he's never been warmer. Billy's hand is rubbing Dom's arm, trying to create some warmth. Dom sighs, a little too loudly, he realizes, and tenses for a moment. Billy notices, but Dominic doesn't think Billy knows the actual reason behind the sigh.

"Relax," Billy whispers in his ear. Dominic doesn't ever want to let this feeling go. "Let's get you inside somewhere."

"I'm not going back in there," Dom mumbles without thinking. Billy doesn't question it, and Dom's grateful. He continues to rub his arm, pulling Dom closer to him, giving him an excuse to snuggle up to him.

"I'll get you to my flat, then?" There is a silence, and they both tense this time. It passes quickly, however. "We have to walk, though. Since Sean drove us."

"Yea, whatever, it's close by." Dominic feels bad for saying this out loud; like he's not supposed to know where Billy's flat is. Billy begins to walk, detaching himself from Dom, but his arm is still around his shoulder. Dominic is cold again, but there's still some contact; still some warmth.

"Why did you leave without telling us?" Billy asks slowly, and it occurs to Dominic that he probably watched him suddenly stop in the middle of the room and stand there motionlessly while he thought to himself before making a beeline to the door. That didn't look all too normal; even for Dominic's eccentricities.

"I - uh - "

"Oh, okay."

Dom doesn't know what to make of this. Did it suddenly piece together in Billy's mind, or just did he sense that he really didn't want to talk about it? Either way, it was incredibly perceptive, and he tries to push himself a little bit closer to Billy.

"I pulled a Lij," Dominic finds himself saying, regardless, just needing an excuse. "Only, I didn't have a girl with me."

Billy laughs. Dom suddenly realizes this probably made him more suspicious, if anything.

The rest of the walk is rather uneventful; no talk, just walk. There is nothing for them to talk about really, nothing they feel comfortable saying right now.

"Did Sean know you were leaving? We were leaving?" Dominic asks.

"I told him not to be surprised if we didn't come back," Billy replies nonchalantly as he opens the door to his flat. Dom's a little anxious, expecting to the see the apartment completely flipped around, like Billy didn't want to remember anything the way it was when Dominic had touched it. He chooses not to mention the fact that Billy's statement could be taken in a completely different way than probably intended, but is a little distracted and forgets about the thought completely when the door swings open and everything looks exactly the same.

Two weeks hasn't changed that much.

"Get you some new clothes, aye?"

"Sounds nice."

It occurs to Dominic that he keeps clothes here; clothes he's actually been looking for these past few days. Billy mutters something about making them some tea, and leaves Dominic to make his way to the bedroom on his own time. Dominic would have almost rather stayed in his cold, wet clothes, knowing that seeing Billy's bedroom might put this in a totally new perspective. He debates asking Billy to go get his clothes for him, but opts against it.

He has never been so nervous to push a door open, but he's pleasantly surprised when Billy's room looked just the same as it ever had. And his clothes are still in his drawer, and they look just the same as he had left them. Dominic takes this as a good sign.

Leaving his wet, crumpled clothes in between the doorway that leads to Billy's bathroom through his bedroom, Dominic retreats to the kitchen, happy to get out of the bedroom.

"Hey," Billy says, his voice hoarse, as Dominic stands in the kitchen doorway, arms outstretched over his head, yawning. "Want anything to eat?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Oh." Billy seems stumped at this, nursing a cup of tea in his hands. "Well, if you change your mind - "

"The food's in here, yea."

"Monty Python?"

Dom can't help but smile dumbly at this; he'd almost felt like Billy had forgotten what they used to do when they'd spend hours at the other's flat.

"Yea."

Hours later, Dominic is being shaken awake. He quickly becomes aware of the fact that he is curled into Billy's side, head lolling onto his shoulder. Billy is being gentle, his arm wrapped around Dom still ( - still? Well, now that Dom thought about it, he had fallen asleep that way.)

"Dom?" Billy's whispering, causing a shiver to run down his spine.

"Mmmbills," Dominic mutters, his sleepy haze causing him to forget everything that has gone on the last few weeks. Billy smiles into his hair, barely aware that he is stroking Dom's bicep. Dom isn't all too aware of this, either.

"I'm gonna go to sleep," Billy says. This wakes Dom up; because now it's a question of whether or not Billy will invite him to bed with him, or leave him to stay on the couch. There's a silence. Dom is waiting.

Nothing.

(Billy's waiting for Dom to ask if he should come with.)

"Night," Dom finally says, swallowing a lump in his throat.

Before he knows it, Billy is gone. He tries to ignore the fact that he is freezing cold, despite the blanket that he has thrown over him. Nothing compares to Billy's body heat. He's so used to sleeping in the same bed with Billy; he's never slept on his couch. Billy had once slept on his couch, right after they'd first met, but they'd quickly learned to overcome the boundaries of sharing a bed. Soon, it became aware that Dominic is not going to be able to sleep, knowing Billy is in his bed, without him. Part of him just wants to barge into Billy's room, demand his place in that bed, but he can't do that given the circumstances. Any other time, he would have done it.

Instead of being inside of Billy's room, Dom finds himself sitting against the wall across from the door to Billy's room. He is rolled up in a ball, his eyes closed. This is the closest he can get to Billy; for now at least.

"Dommie?" He hadn't realized he'd dozed off; and maybe he's actually been deeply asleep. But the second Billy used his nickname that he hadn't heard in so long, Dom was wide awake.

"Heh." This was supposed to be more of a 'hey', but the drowsiness drips from his words, from his eyes, and all his other features.

"What are you doing out here?" Billy asks. Dominic just looks up, not wanting to explain the reason to Billy. Again, Billy proves himself as a best friend and doesn't nag. Not yet, anyway. Billy always nags. Eventually. "Come on, let's get you to bed."

For a moment - just a moment - Dom is afraid that Billy is about to take him back to the couch. Maybe that was his original plan, in fact, but they end up in Billy's bedroom instead. Now in the comfort of a bed instead of a couch, Dom peels his shirt off of his upper body and hides himself under the covers. He lays there awkwardly, for a moment, as he realizes that he doesn't know if it would be okay to curl up to Billy's side. Billy takes care of that for him, snaking an arm under him and pulling him closer.

Dominic, however, finds he can't sleep even now. Without so much as a word, Billy seems to have fallen asleep, but it occurs to Dom that they aren't ever going to move past this, unless they talk. Now.

"Bills?"

"Aye?" is the response, accompanied by a sleepy sigh.

"We need to talk."

"We can talk in the morning."

"We have Feet in the morning. Other people can't be around for this."

Billy is quiet, but it was apparent he's thinking with his eyes closed, rather than trying to go back to sleep. "Oh," Billy finally says in a monotone. "About that."

"Yea," Dominic replies, trailing off.

"I don't know what to say."

"You want me to start?"

"If you want."

"Alright." Dom wastes no time; Billy had shown him that his lips did more than just look good. Perfect - doll-like qualities should be the definition of his lips, in fact. He'd spent a whole day two weeks ago letting Dom kiss those lips however many times he wanted; the first thing he was going to do was kiss him again, even if it was the last time. He'd rather be able to know that this was the last time, and be able to make something of it.

Dom's lips are gentle, but almost violent in comparison. Billy, who still had his eyes closed, deep in thought, is nowhere near ready for the kiss. Billy finally kisses back, so tentatively that it takes Dominic a moment to notice. Thankful, however, for Billy's submission, he knows that if they'd been standing, his knees would have given out. At this point, however, the kiss has surpassed his expectations, and he doesn't trust himself to go any further. If he does go any further, he won't be able to stop. He had, in fact, told Billy that they had to talk.

"Were you trying to say something there?" Billy asks, his eyes closed. But the way he's biting his lip tells Dominic that it's more of him not wanting to believe it than him being an idiot. Dom doesn't know what this might entail, and before he knows it, he's gnawing on his own lower lip, too.

"Remember what you said?"

"I said a lot." He's avoiding repeating the words.

Dom feels a pain in his chest when he realizes he has to repeat the words. "About how you didn't want to burden me, you weren't the one for me. Didn't want to waste my time."

"I don't."

"Don't what?"

"I don't want to waste your time." Neither says anything, there is only the sound of their breathing. Billy finally dares to make eye contact, and can't seem to look away. For the first time since Dominic has met him, he can't read the look in his eyes.

"You wouldn't be." Dominic has been trying to form much better, more sentimental words than this. Nothing seemed to work, and this makes him sound sort of idiotic, but it is the best he could come up with. He sort of wants to apologize; tell Billy about how it would probably be the other way around; Dominic being the one that would waste Billy's time. But that rings far too true for Dom, and he wouldn't want to make it so obvious for Billy. It may be shallow, but he wants Billy to waste some of his time on Dominic. Feels like he needs it, in fact; isn't sure if he could survive without it. "You wouldn't be wasting my time." (Mentally, he is chastising himself for repeating the ugly words, complete sentence be damned.)

"How do you know?" Dominic is suddenly aware of his erratic heartbeat, even moreso of the fact that Billy's hand is on his face. He isn't sure if Billy is just afraid to move it or legitimately wants it to stay there. He hopes for the latter.

"I don't. And even if you did waste my time, Billy, I think it would be time well wasted." Dominic pauses, realizing his thoughts can't be justified by words. He doesn't know of a safe way to show it to Billy, though. "I can't think of anyone else I'd rather waste my time with, anyway. We do plenty of it already, anyway, don't we?" These words are soft, like Dominic is afraid of the reaction he may or may not receive from Billy, and Dominic closes his eyes for fear of seeing an unwanted emotion in Billy's eyes. "How do you know any better?"

"Think about it, Dom. I'm older. I'd just be holding you back from - everything you should be doing, everything I did at your age. You need to find someone who's not reaching their midlife crisis, you know what I mean? You don't need me hanging onto you." This confession makes Dom even more afraid to open his eyes. As usual, Billy reads his mind. "Dominic, look at me."

"You're not old, Bills. Thirty-one is far from old. So, I'm twenty-three, and I may not be wise in the ways of the world or whatever you're going to lecture me about now, but that doesn't mean I'm too young to commit to something, or someone. And besides, I've been busy being eight years younger than you ever since I met you, anyway, and so far you haven't held me back from anything, so just stop." Dominic pointedly avoids opening his eyes, bowing his head a little bit.

"That's not true," Billy insists. "Look at me. I am much older than you, and there are several times I have held you back."

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I need someone to hold me back, and I want that person to be you?" Dominic doesn't know where all that emotion came from, but he's finally opened his eyes and looked up at Billy. Billy looks dumbfounded, as if the thought had never occurred to him. The thought had really never occurred to Dominic either, but it made a lot of sense. Almost too much sense. "Now, I don't know what five year old you've been talking to about whether or not you're old, but they are about the only people I have ever met who have told me that a thirty-one year old man is old. You can tell me about how you're too old when you're hair is falling out, and what little of it you have left is grey, but until then, shut up about it."

"I - "

Dominic has never seen Billy struggle for words like this before. However, he is patient, and deep in his own thoughts.

"You mean it?" are the words Billy finally settles on.

Dominic isn't sure exactly what he is referring to, but Dominic meant everything he has said tonight. "Yea, I mean it."

Billy's hand, still set on Dominic's cheek, suddenly pushes hair out of Dominic's eyes. "I'm going to kiss you, alright?"

Dominic's smile is enough consent for Billy, and before Dominic knows it, it's impossible to tell whose limbs are whose, and if it weren't for the distinct taste of Billy, he wouldn't have been able to tell whose tongue was whose, either. Dominic is hardly aware that, with every moan he makes into Billy's mouth, Billy manages to close another gap between their bodies. Before Dom is ready to pull away, his lungs are telling him otherwise. Their bodies are too completely intertwined to definitely tell who is on top or who is on bottom, but the sensual disarray is more fulfilling than anything else could have been. Dom pushes his head against Billy chest, the fingertips of Billy's free hand drawing mindless shapes on the small of Dom's back.

When the alarm for Feet goes off just moments later, Dominic all but jumps out of his skin in surprise. Billy's laughter is quickly changed to groan, as he detangles his fingers from Dom's, and throws his arm behind his back, managing to find and successfully hit the snooze button.

"Is it really that early in the morning?" Dom groans.

"We were up late."

"Not that late," Dominic whines, not wanting to admit he'd spent most of the time he'd been in the hallway and on the couch awake. "Do we have to get up?"

"Aye, but I'm not going to complain if we just wait for the alarm to go off again," Billy replies. Dominic couldn't have been more grateful for the eight minutes of sleep that follows; although short, knowing that he was Billy's and Billy was his makes all the difference.

"So... us," Dominic manages to say while he's pulling a shirt over his head, too distracted by Billy's lack of pants to pay more attention to coordinating his clothes. (Not that it really matters, as he's about to be dressed up like a hobbit, anyway.)

"What about us?" Billy asks, emphasizing the 'us' to mock Dominic. Dominic, once again, is too disappointed by the fact Billy has ruined the spectacular view by pulling on a clean pair of underwear.

"What does this make us?" Dominic asks, finally looking away from Billy's lower half. His cheeks are burning, not because he knew Billy had caught him looking, but because the question seems a bit embarrassing to him. Of all things.

"We don't have to label it, or define it, if you don't want to," Billy finally replies after some hesitation.

"I sort of want to," Dominic says, his voice low, cheeks even redder. Looking at the floor, "define it, I mean. Label us."

"So then, I should be asking you what the makes us."

Dominic looks up at Billy, and ends up just not responding. It's not until they're halfway out the door that Dominic suddenly announces, "I think I'll start introducing you to people as my boyfriend."

"We don't have to let everyone know just yet, though, Dominic," Billy insists.

"Trust me, Bills," Dominic smiles, all sheepishness left inside, "everyone probably knew before we did."