Depressed Dimitri's Deflation
Hi everyone, been a while since I updated and thats prolly because I have been so busy. I am begining to burn out and that bothers me. I dunno, maybe I am getting sick, but all I want to do is sleep nowawadays. I think this may be lack of excercise due to missing a week of working out to recover from pulled tendons. Either way this funk has gotten me less productive that I want to be. I want to finish my papers, research and work so I can return to my writing.
To make matters worse, my girlfriend is extremely busy with her own life which means I really have no call to bother her with my problems. She has her own and I need to respect that. Nonetheless, I find myself increasingly lonely. I found out I won;t be seeing her at all for the holidays and I was really bummed. That means that I won;t see her except four days in November and then about a week in March. for a total of ten days for the entire year. This small amount of time makes me wonder how we can EVER develop a relationship . . . which brings to mind my everpressing question of what kind of relationship she wants. I am lost, confused and growing increasingly sad over the depressing nature of these problems. I wonder if our relationship, whatever that means, can survive and weather out these rough times. Am I just to selfish for her? Maybe I am. I don't know. Add to this I have no stable internet or phone, and I basically cant communicate to ANYONE, leaves me feeling even more alone. I really like her and want to be with her. I have no intention of breaking up, but I needed to vent. Maybe this dark mood will pass and I will be able to just be optimistic again, but with my father moving to Missouri, Andrew's distance from the Church, and personal financial problems I have a lot to think on . . . PLUS the terror of switching metropolises. I am terrified of Metropolitan Nicholas and I am fnding more and more I can't trust anyone. I want to go to Chicago,but I am afraid to cross Met. Nicholas. I just need to gather some courage all around and just rely on the Will of God. I should be happy that God has allowed me to stand on my own and realize my own inadequicies, but my arrogance and selfishness won't allow me. I guess what I really need are the prayers of those I love and hope love me. Sorry about ranting, any who have read this far, but the cathartic nature of writing this really helped me get steam off my chest. I am not looking to lean on anyone and I will be able to take care of myself. I know everything is fine and things are always going to work out so please don't see me as a coward or somehow less of a man, but I am just being honest with my inner mood.
-Dimitri, the melancholy
To make matters worse, my girlfriend is extremely busy with her own life which means I really have no call to bother her with my problems. She has her own and I need to respect that. Nonetheless, I find myself increasingly lonely. I found out I won;t be seeing her at all for the holidays and I was really bummed. That means that I won;t see her except four days in November and then about a week in March. for a total of ten days for the entire year. This small amount of time makes me wonder how we can EVER develop a relationship . . . which brings to mind my everpressing question of what kind of relationship she wants. I am lost, confused and growing increasingly sad over the depressing nature of these problems. I wonder if our relationship, whatever that means, can survive and weather out these rough times. Am I just to selfish for her? Maybe I am. I don't know. Add to this I have no stable internet or phone, and I basically cant communicate to ANYONE, leaves me feeling even more alone. I really like her and want to be with her. I have no intention of breaking up, but I needed to vent. Maybe this dark mood will pass and I will be able to just be optimistic again, but with my father moving to Missouri, Andrew's distance from the Church, and personal financial problems I have a lot to think on . . . PLUS the terror of switching metropolises. I am terrified of Metropolitan Nicholas and I am fnding more and more I can't trust anyone. I want to go to Chicago,but I am afraid to cross Met. Nicholas. I just need to gather some courage all around and just rely on the Will of God. I should be happy that God has allowed me to stand on my own and realize my own inadequicies, but my arrogance and selfishness won't allow me. I guess what I really need are the prayers of those I love and hope love me. Sorry about ranting, any who have read this far, but the cathartic nature of writing this really helped me get steam off my chest. I am not looking to lean on anyone and I will be able to take care of myself. I know everything is fine and things are always going to work out so please don't see me as a coward or somehow less of a man, but I am just being honest with my inner mood.
-Dimitri, the melancholy