backhug.
Title: Backhug.
Rating: PG-13.
Characters: Jessica, Sunny.
Pairing: Sunsic
Type: One Shot / Drabble Collection.
Word Count: 4244
Summary: Every time she wraps her arms around your waist, you fall a little bit in love with her.
Notes: Shoutout to my best friend Gen for making sure this got finished. Without her, this would probably be sitting in my drafts somewhere, never to see the light of day ever again. And I mean, what can I say? I'm Sunsic trash.
Disclaimer: I don't own Soshi! None of this is real! Don't get your panties in a bunch ;)
i. Jessica.
“And now for the question that your fans have been dying to know the answer to - ” the MC flashes a cool smile in their direction, the whites of his teeth reflecting the spotlights poised above their heads as he pauses for dramatic effect.
Most of the time, she finds the MCs to be welcoming and warm - inviting, even - but today, it only forms what feels like knots in the pit of her stomach. Her fingertips pull at the hem of her jacket, bottom lip caught firmly between her teeth while the rest of the girls giggle around her. She doesn’t miss the way Sunny glances in her direction, eyebrows creasing in concern slightly through the rehearsed chuckle.
She looks away.
Hyoyeon taps her leg with a subtly Jessica didn’t know she was capable of; A heated glare follows.
And in typical Jessica fashion, she pretends not to see.
“You’ve been asked many times before, but as everyone knows, preferences do change. Today, who would you say your ideal type is, and what qualities do you look for in a partner? Taeyeon, you first.”
Laughter erupts from the audience, a sea of pink support sitting on the very edge of their seats awaiting the answer. She wonders if they know of the rehearsed façade, if they know how these answers were nothing less than spoon fed and perfected by a team hidden far behind the scenes. She wonders if they know the secrets buried deep within, the array of forbidden attraction that threatens the careers they’ve worked so hard to maintain.
She doesn’t know how it started, this dangerous game she’s started to play. Whispers in the night had turned to wandering hands, wandering hands had turned to wandering mouths, and a curious touch licked a fire more potent than anything she’d ever experienced against her skin.
Taboo.
“What about you, Sunny?”
Ears perk up, gaze shifting from the floor to the girl at the opposite end of the row. (Subtly is hardly her strong suit.) To the world, it’s fanservice. Between them, it’s something far deeper.
“I actually think personality is important, even more important than looks. I tend to like people that are cool on the outside but warm and soft on the inside; someone that can keep their composure in any situation but someone that’s comfortable being weird around me. I would also like someone that’s protective and caring, and someone that will see me for who I am and love me regardless. And fashionable. Looks are not important to me, but their sense of style is. That’s my ideal type.”
A blush warms the apples of her cheeks, tints creamy skin a pink hue. (Her stomach drops, fingers gripping the edge of her seat a tiny bit harder than before.) A smile spreads across her lips as if on cue, a well-rehearsed circus trick of sorts. (Knuckles pale and skin becomes clammy, gaze focused somewhere in the distance - here, but not quite present.)
There was only one person she knew that fit that description perfectly.
A person she knew all too well.
“Ah, so you want to date Jessica?”
“Yah! Jessica, are you free tonight?”
Fans erupt into a fit of laughter, hearty as expected. It’s a joke only Sunny could manage to get away with, eyes disappearing into half-moons as she too dissolves into giggles. A dull chuckle forces itself from her own lips, and this time, there’s no mistaking the glare that comes from Hyoyeon beside her.
She knows the antis will chalk it up to her ‘ice princess’ attitude, accuse her of rudeness and poor behavior. (In this case, it wasn’t as though they would be entirely wrong.) Fans will rush to her defense immediately, claiming that she wasn’t feeling well and that unless you were a fan, you wouldn’t understand her cool demeanor.
A pang of guilt blooms in her chest. Even when her fans thought they knew her, they never really knew her.
(Would they still love her if they knew?)
She sneaks a glance at the cards held tightly in the MC’s hands and wonders just how much longer she’ll have to suffer.
…
“Hey.”
Speak - think - of the devil, and she doth appear.
(It was always Sunny on the outskirts of her mind, lingering in the background as an ever unchanging constant. Not an afterthought by any means, but a thought so perpetual that it had taken a backseat; a normalcy.
A hint of a chuckle ghosts past her lips as she stirs the teabag around the mug with a spoon. She watches the liquid shift from clear to amber before she speaks, voice soft. “Hey yourself.”
“I wanted to check up on you, because you have everyone worried.” A frown tugs at full lips. Jessica wishes she wasn’t the cause. “You weren’t yourself today. Is everything okay?”
“You know me - I didn’t sleep well last night. When I don’t sleep, I get weird. I’m fine, I promise.” She thinks the last statement might be more for herself than it is for Sunny. “You guys don’t have to worry about me.”
“You’re always weird.”
“Bully.”
“I say it with love!”
Idle fingers tap a steady rhythm against the counter, conversation lulling into a silence she wouldn’t exactly consider comfortable. It isn’t intentional, at least, not really. She opens her mouth to speak only to snap it shut, unsure of what to say. What could she say?
She doesn’t hear the footsteps cross the kitchen, doesn’t know that Sunny had moved until arms wind themselves around her slender waist. A soft cheek presses to the crook of her neck, and for the first time all day, she feels herself relax into the touch.
“Hey, try to get some sleep eventually, okay? I… I don’t like it when you get weird like that.” Sunny’s voice trails off, unusually small and meek as her gaze drifts from the counter, to the reflection in the door of the microwave and back again before she continues. “You ignored my glances all day and you never do that. I thought you might be mad at me.”
And something in her chest tightens uncomfortably so, fingertips ghosting along the backside of Sunny’s hand. It’s an affectionate gesture, one that leaves them both wanting something more. She pulls away a second later, teeth digging into her bottom lip as her hand falls to her side.
Perhaps that was the problem.
Perhaps she likes Sunny too much.
A second later, a smile returns to her lips and she nods. (She wouldn’t worry the other girl, not for a second time today.) “Now you’re the one being weird. I’m not mad at you, dummy.”
“You’d tell me if you were, right?”
“Of course I’d tell you. Or I’d have Yoona do it - Yoona can deliver any bad news and make it sound sweet.” The statement draws a laugh from them both, and that’s all it takes for the topic to be dropped. (She thinks this is what trust feels like.)
And once again, the conversation lulls to silence. Moments pass with only the sound of steady breathing, until a soft voice breaks the quiet with a small yawn.
“Hey Jess?”
“Hm?” A hum of a reply as she stirs a teaspoon of sugar into the amber liquid, watching it dissolve before she turns her head to glance behind her.
“I love you.”
It isn’t until Sunny detaches herself and walks from the kitchen that Jessica releases a breath she wasn’t sure she’d been holding. I love you. Three words: one game changer. The words ring so loudly in her ears that she hadn’t even heard the girl follow the statement with a gentle ‘goodnight’ followed by a promising ‘see you tomorrow.’
As she brings the mug to her lips and allows the liquid to scald her tongue, a lone question remains.
Soonkyu-ah, do I love you too?
ii. Sunny.
"Soojung-ah..." The voice trails off with a hint of sadness, a subtle raw longing covered by the chastising only an older sister could give. (She doesn't know how Jessica does it, how she copes with being so close yet so far from the girl that means the world to her and more.) "You need to eat more. Victoria unnie isn't kidding -- you need to eat. Not eating isn't good for you."
She waits in the doorway, head resting against the wooden frame as tired hands rub at weary eyes. It's late -- it's always late during months like this. While the other girls scattered to various corners of the dorm to catch what little sleep they could before another grueling day of schedules, Jessica remained awake in an abandoned bedroom, knees pulled close to her chest with the phone pressed tight to her ear as she spoke in hushed, yet affectionate whispers.
She admires it. She admires the care, the affection. She admires the lengths she would go to keep her sister safe from harm, to keep her happy and healthy. She admires how, regardless of how many hours she hasn't slept, she'd stay up all night if it meant knowing Soojung would be okay. (She admires Jessica as much as she loves her, adores her. And that love simply can't be measured.)
Sunny watches as Jessica shifts, nodding though she knows the girl on the other end of the line can't see the reassuring action. "Ah, I promise I'll get some sleep. - I promise I’ll tell her soon… when it’s the right time. You don’t have to worry about me."
A pause.
"Soojung-ah... I love you too. Get some sleep, okay?"
A moment passes before Jessica lets the phone drop from her ear, the back of her hand wiping her eyes as if to catch any stray tears before they fall. The fatigue in brown hues is evident even when concealed by the shadows of the night, but another emotion lingers in their depths, one that Sunny can't quite put her finger on.
"You've really got to stop sneaking up on people, Sunny."
A chiding from Jessica pulls her from her thoughts, sheepish grin tugging at the corners of her lips before she lifts her head from the doorframe.
"I wanted to check on you before I got some sleep. You okay?"
The question draws a sigh from the figure on the bed, the shrug of her shoulders only serving to solidify Sunny's original notion that everything was not okay.
"You miss her." Despite the intent of delivery, the faux question comes out as more of a statement, a statement to which Jessica can only nod her head.
There's no hesitation in Sunny's next movements; feet pad across the floor softly, carefully avoiding piles of clothes and discarded containers once filled with god only knew what. (She makes a mental note to remind Juhyun that cleaning the room shared by the tallest and the coldest was certainly not her job.)
Arms slide around a slender neck as she slips onto the bed behind Jessica, chin resting against her own elbow before she turns to nuzzle her nose against the spot just below her ear.
"It's okay to miss the people that you love, Sica. That isn't something to be ashamed of. Every night, you sneak in here like it's something you have to hide from us, like we can't see you vulnerable. But it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to show us that. After all this time, we know that you aren't the cold ice princess you pretend to be to protect us. We know that you're vulnerable without saying so, that sometimes you need just as much help and love as the rest of us. Sometimes, we want to protect you too."
Tears gather in the corners of Jessica's eyes, hand rising to cover the smaller hand now resting on her shoulder. She doesn't falter.
"Sometimes, it's okay to admit that you want help. You shouldn't have to bear this burden alone. I know... I know we don't all understand, but that doesn't mean we want to see you go this alone. Any way we can make this easier for you, any way that we can make you feel better, we're going to do it. Because we're here for you -- I'm here for you -- and we love you."
Her next words are whispered, a barely audible breath of a phrase. Had she not been listening closely, intently, Jessica may have missed them entirely.
"I love you."
Jessica doesn't say it back.
Instead, she offers the faintest hint of a smile. Words sit on the very tip of her tongue, far more hesitant than she’d like, but some things are better left unsaid. At least for now.
I know, Sunny, I know.
iii. Jessica.
It's the first rumble of thunder that sends her running through dorm, pausing at the door at the end of the hall before ducking inside as she had so many times before. It had become common practice; an occurrence the members had quickly become accustomed to. When a storm would hit, shaking her to the very core, she'd run until she found herself encircled by a pair of arms with warm words whispered into her hair. On some nights, Taeyeon got the honor. Others, Seohyun.
"Sunny?"
Tonight, it was Jessica.
"Sunny, what's wrong?" Nimble fingertips slide a bookmark into the space between two pages, folding the book closed with a dull thud. Warm features are illuminated by a lamp sat neatly on the edge of a desk shared by the resident shikshin and ice princess.
The next rumble of thunder answers the question without words.
Her lower lip trembles, eyes glossed over with the beginnings of tears yet to be shed. Arms wrap around her own thin frame as if to hug herself, as if to keep the pieces of her resolve from slipping through her fingers. It's a knee-jerk reaction, one that comes with little warning. Memories flash in a haze of confusion; it's a battle of the mind, a battle of acute fear versus rational thought.
I'm safe. I'm here. I'm safe.
"C-Can I stay?"
"Always."
No sooner than the word leaves Jessica's mouth does she cross the floor with timid strides. Arms stretch out in a silent invitation, but Sunny bypasses them completely. Her own arms encircle slender shoulders as she buries her face in the crook of Jessica's neck, hot tears contrasting against cool skin. Fingers cling to the soft material of her t-shirt, grip tightening until knuckles pale, as if letting go would rip her away from her friend - from her home.
I'm safe. I'm here. I'm safe.
The mantra plays on a loop in the far corners of her mind, constant and steady; her breath slows to match rhythm, chest rising and falling in time with the girl in front of her. Silence blankets the room in a stark contrast to the storm raging outside. With each crack of thunder, she jerks, curling in on herself against the outline of Jessica's back.
It's Jessica who breaks the silence first.
"Hey, I thought I was supposed to be the one hugging you."
It’s an attempt to take Sunny’s mind from the storm raging outside and off from the battle brewing inside. A grin quirks the corners of her lips upward and fingertips ruffle blonde curls. It isn’t much, but perhaps it’s enough.
She doesn’t miss the way Sunny nuzzles closer, cheek pressed against the space between her shoulder blades.
“Can we stay like this?” Her voice is small, meek. It sends a ripple of pain through Jessica, resonating in the hollow of her chest, drawing a sharp breath from the back of her throat. “Just for a little bit?”
"Hey," she whispers, turning her head slightly to glance over the curve of her shoulder. Gone is the playful demeanor, concern etched into her features. For a girl that claimed to be carved from ice, she's warm -- gentle. "We can stay like this as long as you want, okay?"
She feels the nod against her neck.
"Jessica?" Her voice is a ghost of a whisper, barely audible against the crook of her neck.
"Hm?"
"Thank you." A pause; a breath. "I love you. You know that, right?"
A shy smile turns the corners of Jessica's lips upwards, fingers softly squeezing the smaller ones intertwined.
"Yeah, Sunny. I know."
iv. Sunny.
Lithe arms snake around a slender waist, nimble fingertips toying with the edge of pale pink lace before heading south to graze taut, slightly bronzed skin. Muscles contract under the feather light touch, a visible shiver passing through the girl perched in front of the mirror. An observant gaze -- Jessica was far more observant than most gave her credit for -- flickers from reflection to fingertips as a silky, perhaps slightly exasperated, giggle slips past barely parted lips.
"You're insatiable. Schedules all morning and a full concert, and you're still ready to go. Tell me, Soonkyu, is there ever a time when you're not ready?" Jessica's voice is airy, light. Her tongue curls around Sunny's given name like a gentle caress, lingering on each syllable as she meets her gaze in the reflection.
"When it comes to you?" A soft laugh; nails scratch lightly against Jessica's stomach, the action earning a soft hum of approval. "Never."
"Like I said, you're insatiable."
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
Lips drop to juncture between Jessica's jaw and neck, nipping lightly at the soft skin before soothing the mark with the tip of her tongue. She doesn't miss the way Jessica's head instinctively moves to the side to allow for better access, nor does she miss the way eyelids flutter closed as her jaw drops just enough to release a barely audible gasp. (She knows she'll receive a scolding later -- marks were strictly forbidden -- but in the moment, she doesn't sense a complaint.)
"You don't sound like you're objecting, Jung." The words are murmured against the expanse of her throat, full lips curling into a coquettish smirk as she breaks away only to press a tender kiss to the curve of Jessica's shoulder.
"Did I tell you to stop?"
Sunny waves a hand. She's a tease, and teasing Jessica was among her favorite -- and perhaps most gratifying -- pastimes. Instead of continuing her ministrations, she captures the brunette's gaze once more in the reflection of the mirror. Fingertips continue their descent downward, mapping the skin as though it was her first time exploring uncharted territory. (It wasn't.)
"You looked nice tonight," she breathes, admiring the way her hand looks splayed across supple curves. It's intimate, she thinks, the way their eyes meet in reflective glass as fingertips play soft skin as they would play an instrument, ghosting over her body as they would ghost over keys of an elegant piano -- plucking and playing to illicit the sweetest of sounds. "You're beautiful when you lose yourself in the music, when you lose yourself in the performance. You don't even know you do it."
A soft, albeit melodious, whimper is all she's offered in return, jaw slack and gaze pleading. Sunny leans in to press her lips to the shell of Jessica's ear, low chuckle escaping as shameless fingers dare to dip lower without hesitation. "But do you know when I think you're the most beautiful?" She doesn't wait for an answer before continuing, "I think you're the most beautiful when you're like this. When you lose yourself in the feeling. Sooyeon..." A name reserved for only a select few to use, husked against the gentle contour of her jaw. (Jessica never knew her given name could sound so sweet.) "Look at yourself. You're stunning... fucking beautiful."
And for once, Jessica believes her.
"I love you."
"Soonkyu-ah, I..."
The name leaves her lips like a benediction - like a prayer. Heat swells in the center of her chest as svelte fingers slip beneath the band of matching pink lace; fire licks at her skin as the rest of her response dies in her throat, replaced by a wanton whine.
I love you too.
v. Jessica.
Tired feet pad into the kitchen, the ears of the pink bunny face on her slippers (Technically, they weren't her slippers. Tiffany had 'lost' them last week; Jessica simply found them. Finders keepers, right?) bouncing lightly in stride. Her hair is twisted into a knot on the top of her head, the back of her hand rubbing at her eyes. For a brief moment, she considers turning back around, considers burying herself back under the comfort and warmth of the covers. She wants to.
She doesn't.
She isn't surprised when her gaze falls on the dorm's shortest resident hovered over the stove, intently stirring a pot of seafood stew. Sunny doesn't turn around, but even at a distance, Jessica can see the slight upturn of her lips, and her own mouth mirrors the expression.
"You're up early."
She tosses a glance in the direction of the clock on the wall. 9:00.
Perhaps early, in this case, was subjective.
"You know I don't mind getting up early if it means I get to see you."
Her arms wrap around the shorter girl's waist without hesitation. Her head rests on her shoulder, nose brushing the column of her neck. Warmth radiates from Sunny, and for a moment, Jessica thinks she lives up to her stage name. Sunny - warm and radiant. Beautiful.
She doesn’t know when it happened. Somewhere between shared smiles and longing gazes, between nights spent speaking a language shared only between the two of them and days spent laughing so hard the muscles of her cheeks began to ache, it happened. A fondness had bloomed in the center of her chest, one that she couldn’t explain but one that she could no longer ignore.
She’s always been cynical, a firm non-believer in the fairytales dressed up with glass slippers and a prince that would save the day. A realist, her mother had once said. Pessimistic to a fault at times, but a realist nonetheless. She’s never believed in love.
Or at least, she hadn’t.
Not until… it happened.
"I love you too."
The words leave her lips without warning, shocking even her own ears. Cheeks tinge a pink hue, heat spreading across her collarbones. If there was ever a time that she wished the floor would open up, drag her down, and swallow her whole: this was it.
For a moment, time seems to stand still. The clock on the wall ticks a steady rhythm, but the sound falls on deaf ears. She waits with bated breath, silently begging Sunny to say something. Anything.
"What?" Sunny’s voice is sharp, movements stilling after she sets the spoon down on the stove. She doesn’t turn around, doesn’t make another move. “Don’t…”
She stills at the shock that colors the other girl’s tone. Was it that unbelievable? Was it that out of the question? Or had she waited too long, waited until Sunny had convinced herself her feelings were a one-way street?
"I said I love you too."
Though a breath catches in the back of her throat, she pushes forward, effectively silencing the protest that sits on the tip of Sunny’s tongue.
"I know... I know I'm not good at expressing these things. I wear a mask. I wear a mask to protect Girls' Generation, to protect my friends, to... protect myself. I don't let people in. Even when I let you guys in, I was hesitant. I still kept my walls up. I didn't want to hurt you, but I also didn't want to be hurt in turn. I'm not oblivious, Sunny. I knew what you were saying. But, allowing myself to feel vulnerable... that isn't something that I'm good at. I don’t know if that’s ever something I’ll be good at. It's scary, and I was scared. I didn’t know what I was feeling, and that scared me to death. I was so scared."
She’d built her walls high, almost impossible to climb. And somehow, some way, Sunny had managed to scale them. She had managed to chisel away pieces, fight her way through.
Her heart warms, smile softening as she presses her cheek against Sunny’s neck.
"But I want to let you in. Because when I'm with you, I'm not scared. I don't have to be Jessica Jung of Girls' Generation. I can just be Jessica -- your Jessica. And I'm tired of running from it. I'm tired of running from how I feel about you. I don't want to run anymore.” Her chest heaves slightly, but the weight that had pressed against the hollows of her ribcage feels as though it’s been lifted. It’s the sweet sense of relief. “I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know why. But… it happened. I’m glad it happened."
"Say it again."
She doesn’t follow.
Her features mold into an incredulous expression, eyebrows shooting upwards in shock. Confusion sinks in, followed by a strong wave of panic. "I just confessed that I --"
A hand silences her, and despite her place behind the shorter girl, the corners of a telling smirk are plain to see.
"Say it again. Because you don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that."
A breath; a pause. The words come easier this time, welcomed and invited. She doesn’t hesitate.
"Sunny-ah, I love you too."
[A/N]
[A/N]: We’ve come full circle. I thought it'd be cute to add a little something to this fluff fest. The four times Sunny said I love you and the one time Jessica said it back. There was so much I tried to capture in this collection, and I hope I did it justice. Sunny is quite patient with Jessica, isn’t she? I wanted to show Jessica coming to terms with it and embracing it on her own, with Sunny continuing to love her without waver all the way. They're just really, really cute okay?
Rating: PG-13.
Characters: Jessica, Sunny.
Pairing: Sunsic
Type: One Shot / Drabble Collection.
Word Count: 4244
Summary: Every time she wraps her arms around your waist, you fall a little bit in love with her.
Notes: Shoutout to my best friend Gen for making sure this got finished. Without her, this would probably be sitting in my drafts somewhere, never to see the light of day ever again. And I mean, what can I say? I'm Sunsic trash.
Disclaimer: I don't own Soshi! None of this is real! Don't get your panties in a bunch ;)
i. Jessica.
“And now for the question that your fans have been dying to know the answer to - ” the MC flashes a cool smile in their direction, the whites of his teeth reflecting the spotlights poised above their heads as he pauses for dramatic effect.
Most of the time, she finds the MCs to be welcoming and warm - inviting, even - but today, it only forms what feels like knots in the pit of her stomach. Her fingertips pull at the hem of her jacket, bottom lip caught firmly between her teeth while the rest of the girls giggle around her. She doesn’t miss the way Sunny glances in her direction, eyebrows creasing in concern slightly through the rehearsed chuckle.
She looks away.
Hyoyeon taps her leg with a subtly Jessica didn’t know she was capable of; A heated glare follows.
And in typical Jessica fashion, she pretends not to see.
“You’ve been asked many times before, but as everyone knows, preferences do change. Today, who would you say your ideal type is, and what qualities do you look for in a partner? Taeyeon, you first.”
Laughter erupts from the audience, a sea of pink support sitting on the very edge of their seats awaiting the answer. She wonders if they know of the rehearsed façade, if they know how these answers were nothing less than spoon fed and perfected by a team hidden far behind the scenes. She wonders if they know the secrets buried deep within, the array of forbidden attraction that threatens the careers they’ve worked so hard to maintain.
She doesn’t know how it started, this dangerous game she’s started to play. Whispers in the night had turned to wandering hands, wandering hands had turned to wandering mouths, and a curious touch licked a fire more potent than anything she’d ever experienced against her skin.
Taboo.
“What about you, Sunny?”
Ears perk up, gaze shifting from the floor to the girl at the opposite end of the row. (Subtly is hardly her strong suit.) To the world, it’s fanservice. Between them, it’s something far deeper.
“I actually think personality is important, even more important than looks. I tend to like people that are cool on the outside but warm and soft on the inside; someone that can keep their composure in any situation but someone that’s comfortable being weird around me. I would also like someone that’s protective and caring, and someone that will see me for who I am and love me regardless. And fashionable. Looks are not important to me, but their sense of style is. That’s my ideal type.”
A blush warms the apples of her cheeks, tints creamy skin a pink hue. (Her stomach drops, fingers gripping the edge of her seat a tiny bit harder than before.) A smile spreads across her lips as if on cue, a well-rehearsed circus trick of sorts. (Knuckles pale and skin becomes clammy, gaze focused somewhere in the distance - here, but not quite present.)
There was only one person she knew that fit that description perfectly.
A person she knew all too well.
“Ah, so you want to date Jessica?”
“Yah! Jessica, are you free tonight?”
Fans erupt into a fit of laughter, hearty as expected. It’s a joke only Sunny could manage to get away with, eyes disappearing into half-moons as she too dissolves into giggles. A dull chuckle forces itself from her own lips, and this time, there’s no mistaking the glare that comes from Hyoyeon beside her.
She knows the antis will chalk it up to her ‘ice princess’ attitude, accuse her of rudeness and poor behavior. (In this case, it wasn’t as though they would be entirely wrong.) Fans will rush to her defense immediately, claiming that she wasn’t feeling well and that unless you were a fan, you wouldn’t understand her cool demeanor.
A pang of guilt blooms in her chest. Even when her fans thought they knew her, they never really knew her.
(Would they still love her if they knew?)
She sneaks a glance at the cards held tightly in the MC’s hands and wonders just how much longer she’ll have to suffer.
…
“Hey.”
Speak - think - of the devil, and she doth appear.
(It was always Sunny on the outskirts of her mind, lingering in the background as an ever unchanging constant. Not an afterthought by any means, but a thought so perpetual that it had taken a backseat; a normalcy.
A hint of a chuckle ghosts past her lips as she stirs the teabag around the mug with a spoon. She watches the liquid shift from clear to amber before she speaks, voice soft. “Hey yourself.”
“I wanted to check up on you, because you have everyone worried.” A frown tugs at full lips. Jessica wishes she wasn’t the cause. “You weren’t yourself today. Is everything okay?”
“You know me - I didn’t sleep well last night. When I don’t sleep, I get weird. I’m fine, I promise.” She thinks the last statement might be more for herself than it is for Sunny. “You guys don’t have to worry about me.”
“You’re always weird.”
“Bully.”
“I say it with love!”
Idle fingers tap a steady rhythm against the counter, conversation lulling into a silence she wouldn’t exactly consider comfortable. It isn’t intentional, at least, not really. She opens her mouth to speak only to snap it shut, unsure of what to say. What could she say?
She doesn’t hear the footsteps cross the kitchen, doesn’t know that Sunny had moved until arms wind themselves around her slender waist. A soft cheek presses to the crook of her neck, and for the first time all day, she feels herself relax into the touch.
“Hey, try to get some sleep eventually, okay? I… I don’t like it when you get weird like that.” Sunny’s voice trails off, unusually small and meek as her gaze drifts from the counter, to the reflection in the door of the microwave and back again before she continues. “You ignored my glances all day and you never do that. I thought you might be mad at me.”
And something in her chest tightens uncomfortably so, fingertips ghosting along the backside of Sunny’s hand. It’s an affectionate gesture, one that leaves them both wanting something more. She pulls away a second later, teeth digging into her bottom lip as her hand falls to her side.
Perhaps that was the problem.
Perhaps she likes Sunny too much.
A second later, a smile returns to her lips and she nods. (She wouldn’t worry the other girl, not for a second time today.) “Now you’re the one being weird. I’m not mad at you, dummy.”
“You’d tell me if you were, right?”
“Of course I’d tell you. Or I’d have Yoona do it - Yoona can deliver any bad news and make it sound sweet.” The statement draws a laugh from them both, and that’s all it takes for the topic to be dropped. (She thinks this is what trust feels like.)
And once again, the conversation lulls to silence. Moments pass with only the sound of steady breathing, until a soft voice breaks the quiet with a small yawn.
“Hey Jess?”
“Hm?” A hum of a reply as she stirs a teaspoon of sugar into the amber liquid, watching it dissolve before she turns her head to glance behind her.
“I love you.”
It isn’t until Sunny detaches herself and walks from the kitchen that Jessica releases a breath she wasn’t sure she’d been holding. I love you. Three words: one game changer. The words ring so loudly in her ears that she hadn’t even heard the girl follow the statement with a gentle ‘goodnight’ followed by a promising ‘see you tomorrow.’
As she brings the mug to her lips and allows the liquid to scald her tongue, a lone question remains.
Soonkyu-ah, do I love you too?
ii. Sunny.
"Soojung-ah..." The voice trails off with a hint of sadness, a subtle raw longing covered by the chastising only an older sister could give. (She doesn't know how Jessica does it, how she copes with being so close yet so far from the girl that means the world to her and more.) "You need to eat more. Victoria unnie isn't kidding -- you need to eat. Not eating isn't good for you."
She waits in the doorway, head resting against the wooden frame as tired hands rub at weary eyes. It's late -- it's always late during months like this. While the other girls scattered to various corners of the dorm to catch what little sleep they could before another grueling day of schedules, Jessica remained awake in an abandoned bedroom, knees pulled close to her chest with the phone pressed tight to her ear as she spoke in hushed, yet affectionate whispers.
She admires it. She admires the care, the affection. She admires the lengths she would go to keep her sister safe from harm, to keep her happy and healthy. She admires how, regardless of how many hours she hasn't slept, she'd stay up all night if it meant knowing Soojung would be okay. (She admires Jessica as much as she loves her, adores her. And that love simply can't be measured.)
Sunny watches as Jessica shifts, nodding though she knows the girl on the other end of the line can't see the reassuring action. "Ah, I promise I'll get some sleep. - I promise I’ll tell her soon… when it’s the right time. You don’t have to worry about me."
A pause.
"Soojung-ah... I love you too. Get some sleep, okay?"
A moment passes before Jessica lets the phone drop from her ear, the back of her hand wiping her eyes as if to catch any stray tears before they fall. The fatigue in brown hues is evident even when concealed by the shadows of the night, but another emotion lingers in their depths, one that Sunny can't quite put her finger on.
"You've really got to stop sneaking up on people, Sunny."
A chiding from Jessica pulls her from her thoughts, sheepish grin tugging at the corners of her lips before she lifts her head from the doorframe.
"I wanted to check on you before I got some sleep. You okay?"
The question draws a sigh from the figure on the bed, the shrug of her shoulders only serving to solidify Sunny's original notion that everything was not okay.
"You miss her." Despite the intent of delivery, the faux question comes out as more of a statement, a statement to which Jessica can only nod her head.
There's no hesitation in Sunny's next movements; feet pad across the floor softly, carefully avoiding piles of clothes and discarded containers once filled with god only knew what. (She makes a mental note to remind Juhyun that cleaning the room shared by the tallest and the coldest was certainly not her job.)
Arms slide around a slender neck as she slips onto the bed behind Jessica, chin resting against her own elbow before she turns to nuzzle her nose against the spot just below her ear.
"It's okay to miss the people that you love, Sica. That isn't something to be ashamed of. Every night, you sneak in here like it's something you have to hide from us, like we can't see you vulnerable. But it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to show us that. After all this time, we know that you aren't the cold ice princess you pretend to be to protect us. We know that you're vulnerable without saying so, that sometimes you need just as much help and love as the rest of us. Sometimes, we want to protect you too."
Tears gather in the corners of Jessica's eyes, hand rising to cover the smaller hand now resting on her shoulder. She doesn't falter.
"Sometimes, it's okay to admit that you want help. You shouldn't have to bear this burden alone. I know... I know we don't all understand, but that doesn't mean we want to see you go this alone. Any way we can make this easier for you, any way that we can make you feel better, we're going to do it. Because we're here for you -- I'm here for you -- and we love you."
Her next words are whispered, a barely audible breath of a phrase. Had she not been listening closely, intently, Jessica may have missed them entirely.
"I love you."
Jessica doesn't say it back.
Instead, she offers the faintest hint of a smile. Words sit on the very tip of her tongue, far more hesitant than she’d like, but some things are better left unsaid. At least for now.
I know, Sunny, I know.
iii. Jessica.
It's the first rumble of thunder that sends her running through dorm, pausing at the door at the end of the hall before ducking inside as she had so many times before. It had become common practice; an occurrence the members had quickly become accustomed to. When a storm would hit, shaking her to the very core, she'd run until she found herself encircled by a pair of arms with warm words whispered into her hair. On some nights, Taeyeon got the honor. Others, Seohyun.
"Sunny?"
Tonight, it was Jessica.
"Sunny, what's wrong?" Nimble fingertips slide a bookmark into the space between two pages, folding the book closed with a dull thud. Warm features are illuminated by a lamp sat neatly on the edge of a desk shared by the resident shikshin and ice princess.
The next rumble of thunder answers the question without words.
Her lower lip trembles, eyes glossed over with the beginnings of tears yet to be shed. Arms wrap around her own thin frame as if to hug herself, as if to keep the pieces of her resolve from slipping through her fingers. It's a knee-jerk reaction, one that comes with little warning. Memories flash in a haze of confusion; it's a battle of the mind, a battle of acute fear versus rational thought.
I'm safe. I'm here. I'm safe.
"C-Can I stay?"
"Always."
No sooner than the word leaves Jessica's mouth does she cross the floor with timid strides. Arms stretch out in a silent invitation, but Sunny bypasses them completely. Her own arms encircle slender shoulders as she buries her face in the crook of Jessica's neck, hot tears contrasting against cool skin. Fingers cling to the soft material of her t-shirt, grip tightening until knuckles pale, as if letting go would rip her away from her friend - from her home.
I'm safe. I'm here. I'm safe.
The mantra plays on a loop in the far corners of her mind, constant and steady; her breath slows to match rhythm, chest rising and falling in time with the girl in front of her. Silence blankets the room in a stark contrast to the storm raging outside. With each crack of thunder, she jerks, curling in on herself against the outline of Jessica's back.
It's Jessica who breaks the silence first.
"Hey, I thought I was supposed to be the one hugging you."
It’s an attempt to take Sunny’s mind from the storm raging outside and off from the battle brewing inside. A grin quirks the corners of her lips upward and fingertips ruffle blonde curls. It isn’t much, but perhaps it’s enough.
She doesn’t miss the way Sunny nuzzles closer, cheek pressed against the space between her shoulder blades.
“Can we stay like this?” Her voice is small, meek. It sends a ripple of pain through Jessica, resonating in the hollow of her chest, drawing a sharp breath from the back of her throat. “Just for a little bit?”
"Hey," she whispers, turning her head slightly to glance over the curve of her shoulder. Gone is the playful demeanor, concern etched into her features. For a girl that claimed to be carved from ice, she's warm -- gentle. "We can stay like this as long as you want, okay?"
She feels the nod against her neck.
"Jessica?" Her voice is a ghost of a whisper, barely audible against the crook of her neck.
"Hm?"
"Thank you." A pause; a breath. "I love you. You know that, right?"
A shy smile turns the corners of Jessica's lips upwards, fingers softly squeezing the smaller ones intertwined.
"Yeah, Sunny. I know."
iv. Sunny.
Lithe arms snake around a slender waist, nimble fingertips toying with the edge of pale pink lace before heading south to graze taut, slightly bronzed skin. Muscles contract under the feather light touch, a visible shiver passing through the girl perched in front of the mirror. An observant gaze -- Jessica was far more observant than most gave her credit for -- flickers from reflection to fingertips as a silky, perhaps slightly exasperated, giggle slips past barely parted lips.
"You're insatiable. Schedules all morning and a full concert, and you're still ready to go. Tell me, Soonkyu, is there ever a time when you're not ready?" Jessica's voice is airy, light. Her tongue curls around Sunny's given name like a gentle caress, lingering on each syllable as she meets her gaze in the reflection.
"When it comes to you?" A soft laugh; nails scratch lightly against Jessica's stomach, the action earning a soft hum of approval. "Never."
"Like I said, you're insatiable."
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
Lips drop to juncture between Jessica's jaw and neck, nipping lightly at the soft skin before soothing the mark with the tip of her tongue. She doesn't miss the way Jessica's head instinctively moves to the side to allow for better access, nor does she miss the way eyelids flutter closed as her jaw drops just enough to release a barely audible gasp. (She knows she'll receive a scolding later -- marks were strictly forbidden -- but in the moment, she doesn't sense a complaint.)
"You don't sound like you're objecting, Jung." The words are murmured against the expanse of her throat, full lips curling into a coquettish smirk as she breaks away only to press a tender kiss to the curve of Jessica's shoulder.
"Did I tell you to stop?"
Sunny waves a hand. She's a tease, and teasing Jessica was among her favorite -- and perhaps most gratifying -- pastimes. Instead of continuing her ministrations, she captures the brunette's gaze once more in the reflection of the mirror. Fingertips continue their descent downward, mapping the skin as though it was her first time exploring uncharted territory. (It wasn't.)
"You looked nice tonight," she breathes, admiring the way her hand looks splayed across supple curves. It's intimate, she thinks, the way their eyes meet in reflective glass as fingertips play soft skin as they would play an instrument, ghosting over her body as they would ghost over keys of an elegant piano -- plucking and playing to illicit the sweetest of sounds. "You're beautiful when you lose yourself in the music, when you lose yourself in the performance. You don't even know you do it."
A soft, albeit melodious, whimper is all she's offered in return, jaw slack and gaze pleading. Sunny leans in to press her lips to the shell of Jessica's ear, low chuckle escaping as shameless fingers dare to dip lower without hesitation. "But do you know when I think you're the most beautiful?" She doesn't wait for an answer before continuing, "I think you're the most beautiful when you're like this. When you lose yourself in the feeling. Sooyeon..." A name reserved for only a select few to use, husked against the gentle contour of her jaw. (Jessica never knew her given name could sound so sweet.) "Look at yourself. You're stunning... fucking beautiful."
And for once, Jessica believes her.
"I love you."
"Soonkyu-ah, I..."
The name leaves her lips like a benediction - like a prayer. Heat swells in the center of her chest as svelte fingers slip beneath the band of matching pink lace; fire licks at her skin as the rest of her response dies in her throat, replaced by a wanton whine.
I love you too.
v. Jessica.
Tired feet pad into the kitchen, the ears of the pink bunny face on her slippers (Technically, they weren't her slippers. Tiffany had 'lost' them last week; Jessica simply found them. Finders keepers, right?) bouncing lightly in stride. Her hair is twisted into a knot on the top of her head, the back of her hand rubbing at her eyes. For a brief moment, she considers turning back around, considers burying herself back under the comfort and warmth of the covers. She wants to.
She doesn't.
She isn't surprised when her gaze falls on the dorm's shortest resident hovered over the stove, intently stirring a pot of seafood stew. Sunny doesn't turn around, but even at a distance, Jessica can see the slight upturn of her lips, and her own mouth mirrors the expression.
"You're up early."
She tosses a glance in the direction of the clock on the wall. 9:00.
Perhaps early, in this case, was subjective.
"You know I don't mind getting up early if it means I get to see you."
Her arms wrap around the shorter girl's waist without hesitation. Her head rests on her shoulder, nose brushing the column of her neck. Warmth radiates from Sunny, and for a moment, Jessica thinks she lives up to her stage name. Sunny - warm and radiant. Beautiful.
She doesn’t know when it happened. Somewhere between shared smiles and longing gazes, between nights spent speaking a language shared only between the two of them and days spent laughing so hard the muscles of her cheeks began to ache, it happened. A fondness had bloomed in the center of her chest, one that she couldn’t explain but one that she could no longer ignore.
She’s always been cynical, a firm non-believer in the fairytales dressed up with glass slippers and a prince that would save the day. A realist, her mother had once said. Pessimistic to a fault at times, but a realist nonetheless. She’s never believed in love.
Or at least, she hadn’t.
Not until… it happened.
"I love you too."
The words leave her lips without warning, shocking even her own ears. Cheeks tinge a pink hue, heat spreading across her collarbones. If there was ever a time that she wished the floor would open up, drag her down, and swallow her whole: this was it.
For a moment, time seems to stand still. The clock on the wall ticks a steady rhythm, but the sound falls on deaf ears. She waits with bated breath, silently begging Sunny to say something. Anything.
"What?" Sunny’s voice is sharp, movements stilling after she sets the spoon down on the stove. She doesn’t turn around, doesn’t make another move. “Don’t…”
She stills at the shock that colors the other girl’s tone. Was it that unbelievable? Was it that out of the question? Or had she waited too long, waited until Sunny had convinced herself her feelings were a one-way street?
"I said I love you too."
Though a breath catches in the back of her throat, she pushes forward, effectively silencing the protest that sits on the tip of Sunny’s tongue.
"I know... I know I'm not good at expressing these things. I wear a mask. I wear a mask to protect Girls' Generation, to protect my friends, to... protect myself. I don't let people in. Even when I let you guys in, I was hesitant. I still kept my walls up. I didn't want to hurt you, but I also didn't want to be hurt in turn. I'm not oblivious, Sunny. I knew what you were saying. But, allowing myself to feel vulnerable... that isn't something that I'm good at. I don’t know if that’s ever something I’ll be good at. It's scary, and I was scared. I didn’t know what I was feeling, and that scared me to death. I was so scared."
She’d built her walls high, almost impossible to climb. And somehow, some way, Sunny had managed to scale them. She had managed to chisel away pieces, fight her way through.
Her heart warms, smile softening as she presses her cheek against Sunny’s neck.
"But I want to let you in. Because when I'm with you, I'm not scared. I don't have to be Jessica Jung of Girls' Generation. I can just be Jessica -- your Jessica. And I'm tired of running from it. I'm tired of running from how I feel about you. I don't want to run anymore.” Her chest heaves slightly, but the weight that had pressed against the hollows of her ribcage feels as though it’s been lifted. It’s the sweet sense of relief. “I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know why. But… it happened. I’m glad it happened."
"Say it again."
She doesn’t follow.
Her features mold into an incredulous expression, eyebrows shooting upwards in shock. Confusion sinks in, followed by a strong wave of panic. "I just confessed that I --"
A hand silences her, and despite her place behind the shorter girl, the corners of a telling smirk are plain to see.
"Say it again. Because you don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that."
A breath; a pause. The words come easier this time, welcomed and invited. She doesn’t hesitate.
"Sunny-ah, I love you too."
[A/N]
[A/N]: We’ve come full circle. I thought it'd be cute to add a little something to this fluff fest. The four times Sunny said I love you and the one time Jessica said it back. There was so much I tried to capture in this collection, and I hope I did it justice. Sunny is quite patient with Jessica, isn’t she? I wanted to show Jessica coming to terms with it and embracing it on her own, with Sunny continuing to love her without waver all the way. They're just really, really cute okay?