It's the end of the world as we know it

Feb 16, 2005 03:10

I am absolutely stricken. I cannot stop crying. I am in shock. I knew it was coming, but it still comes like a blow to the stomach. I keep heaving like I am hyperventillating. We had the best conversation possible, the best breakup conversation possible. It was amicable and mutual and we still love each other and want to be friends, real friends when this is all over. And yet I'm still weeping...just "elendhaft"...I feel like I'm drowning in the air and I can't even scream for help because the air is being sucked out of me. I have to put the pictures away. Okay, now they are safe in a spot that is out of the way.
I still can't get over it. He was emotional, I was obviously emotional. He called me his best friend. And he is mine, still. It will take a long time for this to sink in totally, that we can't be the way we were once. This is my first breakup and I just don't know how to face it. I can't get to sleep. I don't want to sleep because I'm worried about what dreams may come. This pain is so acute, I can think of only two things that can dull it: alcohol or exercise. Truth be told, I've been somewhat starving myself this week, telling myself that my body can survive the pain, that hunger pain would somehow lessen the pain in my heart. I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I have a lot to do but I just feel listless. It's amazing how breaking up with someone can somehow make it easier to talk to them, to be honest with them. I feel like we really will be good friends if we can just make it through the next few months without trying to contact each other in that other capacity. For now, I'm reeling through the emotions, trying to survive the waves of emotion.
I want all things that remind me of my sexuality to just disappear. Anything that reminds me of the intimacy we had needs to be put away. There is no way I could even think about starting a new relationship, especially of that kind, any time in the near to distant future.
I still love you, Shaun, and always will. There will always be a piece of my heart reserved exclusively for you.
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