Woot! update
Okey so hello again
Have you ever had one of those experiences where you aren't sure what to make of it but it just made your day so much better because it happened? Well i had one recently, you see i've been crushing on a friend of ming for the longest time, and i couldn't tell anyone and plus he was like a second brother to me so it was just wrong for me to like him, but we got to be really good friends nonetheless, than for the longest time (like a couple months) we hadn't talked or anything, than we started to talk again. So the other night i walked to his house to see him again, and even though i was only there for a couple minutes he kept giving me hugs, not that i minded of course but it was just different behavoir for him. But it made my day so much better, yet it made it so much more confusing. well okay so long.
Impossible Perfection (vignettes)
3-16-05
Watching as I walk down the hall, my doc martins still untied, still partially entangled in half disintegrated dreams. My baggy clothes hide my non perfect figure, as I stalk through the hall with my friends like we don’t notice you sitting in the corner, and yet we always do, I always do. Watching out of the corner of our eyes our true thoughts incognito behind faked laughs and untrusting faces. I see you as you watch me walk by, and my head turns slightly just to make sure you’re watching me and not some passing fad. Yet today I found myself comparing your group to the evil from last year, without knowing them, just to allow myself to turn away. I can’t apologize for the things I do. Apologies were never anything more than empty words to me. Are you staring because you see potential, or because I’m not pretty enough? I never was perfect and never will be.
4-5-05
They say the past should stay in the past. For awhile I always believed them. That you should stay in the past. Really I just didn’t want to pull off old scabs and let my blood be exposed to the surrounding air. I was the type of person that was horribly scared that I’d die if anything got into the wound, ignoring the fact that something probably would’ve helped. And just when the scars had disappeared, I let you back into my life. You’ve moved on, as have I, but yet part of me seemed to have been carried with you all along, that I had always known it was missed but not that it was gone. I’d missed knowing that you were there, and that you cared event the slightest bit. And when I saw you, I remembered how it had been, what it was like to feel that way again. I was nothing more than a stupid kid. And now as I struggle to get that feeling back along with you, I find myself more lost than before.
4-10-05
I walked for what seemed like hours just to see you again, even just for five minutes. Going to the wrong house and feeling like an idiot calling to ask you the number written next to your door. 1302, 1302, that’s definitely blue. I walked up the stairs slowly still not knowing what to expect. Knocking slowly on the door, too late to go back. Porch light goes on, curtains are lifted slightly. The Heavy door opens revealing the house inside, you step in front of the screen and invite us in. Open your arms and give me a hug, I take a tinfoil package from my purse, and hand you the cake. Hoping you’ll enjoy it, and get another hug. I’ve missed you so much. A couple more hugs and one before I leave. Anything could follow and nothing would ruin the perfect night.