if my name was cher id wish i could turn back time id wish i could find away...
im not sure anyone can read this entry... im trying to be more open i dont like making everything private and screening and deleting all my comments i have this journal for my own boredom enjoyment and connection to "friends" all i want is enjoyment and laughter and maybe sometimes a serious converstation but nothing like what had been going on weeks ago i didnt like that one bit it made me sick and caused alot of problems for me (hence the cher reference i mean come on that song is horrible but it really describes how ive felt lately so i think i will post all the lyrics later...)
so thats that and im done with the bullshit i have a very special person in my life ive been fucking things up for because i think about myself before i think about him i act before i think and i just cant seem to show him how much he really means to me. if there is one thing ive learned its that no matter how much you tell someone you care and you love and you would do anything, none of that matters if you cant show it if you cant act on that all the time. i try alot and i want to try alot more im still learning and i need time. i guess i am like my parents in that sense... they would always tell me everything was ok they would tell me they loved me and would protect me and be with me forever but where are they now? i dont know and im filled with empty hope because of them. ill always love them but i dont know if they will ever know what a smart and talented daughter they have. sure they say it say it say it but they dont know because theyre not here they were never here long enough to know me in the slightest. they said alot of things but i think they gave up on me a long time ago befor i started school before i made friends before my friends parents started taking care of me before i had to take care of myself. my situation is different from alot of people i knw. i know people who hate their parents for whatever reason but they still have parents that would love to see them anyday and would help them in anyway they needed and i dont have that i cant just call my mom and talk to her about anything i cant just call my dad and ask him for help getting into school its so hard but i dont hate them and thats what keeps me sane... if i hate them then i hate myself more
wow i havent writen this much in a long time and i should be getting ready for work instead of staring at this screen crying like a baby about something i try not to think about but always get around to and it makes me sad... the point is that im in love with kyle and i havent been doing my job of loving him the way he should be loved so i have to grow up and start working harder because if i lose him im lost and i dont know what ill do. im sure i could live without him but thats not something i like to think about because sure i 'could' but i would never 'want' to live without him. he is so amazing and loves me so much i know we will work things out and everything will be ok but i will always be afraid... the fear will always be there... i just need to be stronger than the fear...
im not sure if anyone will be able to read this but if you do thank you and im sorry for whining sometimes i just need to write my nonsense down and look at it to realize how im really feeling. my communicantion and reasoning skills are low and slow :(
so thats that and im done with the bullshit i have a very special person in my life ive been fucking things up for because i think about myself before i think about him i act before i think and i just cant seem to show him how much he really means to me. if there is one thing ive learned its that no matter how much you tell someone you care and you love and you would do anything, none of that matters if you cant show it if you cant act on that all the time. i try alot and i want to try alot more im still learning and i need time. i guess i am like my parents in that sense... they would always tell me everything was ok they would tell me they loved me and would protect me and be with me forever but where are they now? i dont know and im filled with empty hope because of them. ill always love them but i dont know if they will ever know what a smart and talented daughter they have. sure they say it say it say it but they dont know because theyre not here they were never here long enough to know me in the slightest. they said alot of things but i think they gave up on me a long time ago befor i started school before i made friends before my friends parents started taking care of me before i had to take care of myself. my situation is different from alot of people i knw. i know people who hate their parents for whatever reason but they still have parents that would love to see them anyday and would help them in anyway they needed and i dont have that i cant just call my mom and talk to her about anything i cant just call my dad and ask him for help getting into school its so hard but i dont hate them and thats what keeps me sane... if i hate them then i hate myself more
wow i havent writen this much in a long time and i should be getting ready for work instead of staring at this screen crying like a baby about something i try not to think about but always get around to and it makes me sad... the point is that im in love with kyle and i havent been doing my job of loving him the way he should be loved so i have to grow up and start working harder because if i lose him im lost and i dont know what ill do. im sure i could live without him but thats not something i like to think about because sure i 'could' but i would never 'want' to live without him. he is so amazing and loves me so much i know we will work things out and everything will be ok but i will always be afraid... the fear will always be there... i just need to be stronger than the fear...
im not sure if anyone will be able to read this but if you do thank you and im sorry for whining sometimes i just need to write my nonsense down and look at it to realize how im really feeling. my communicantion and reasoning skills are low and slow :(