another wasted night...the television steals the conversation

[wicketklownz07]

let me describe my night. another perfect night with my travis . when he left i began to think about who i am....what i am. why i'm here. i guess i'm not one of those people who gives a shit about why i'm here...but i've been questioning myself a lot latley. i haven't been talking to the same people, let alone anyone i dunno i seem distant or so i've been told. i don't feel like my self anymore. like someone or something changed me. whether it be for better or worse . it seems that i've been listenin to emo music lately. like...wut the fuck is that. i hate emo music and i dunno...it just...gets to me. i dunno...i've been thinkin a lot lately about how i am towards people. who likes me and who doesnt. who cares and who doesn't give a shit. i've narrowed it down to my travis and fionna ...my two friends. which are my definite best, of course there's always my juggalos but they'll always be there. i don't deserve him ive been rememberin how it use to be. the same old shit everyday. i use to just tell him that i'm feeling tired. i hate mentioning his name in here, let alone anywhere. i just...can't believe i went through that. the depression, the neglecting. and i just sat there and took it. it felt as if i was standing in the middle of a croweded room screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even blinked... i don't know what im' feeling anymore. it's as if nobody cares anymore, it feels good. but then it doesn't. i don't know what to do. i don't know what i'm suppose to do. whether it's becuase of me or not. i think it is. i think i fucked up everyones life. and why new people would let me into their life..you've got me. i don't think i should be feeling like this, i have a great life. or that's what's percieved. people have begun to label me latley. i don't know as what but i notice the wandering eyes. i've been listening to whats her face latley in SRE. she wants him back. i'm too scared to think about losing him. i couldn't take it. i love him . nothing will ever change that. i want to be with him forever he's the only thing that keeps me going it's worth seeing his smiling face every morning. that's what gets me up and going. just seeing him. i've been feeling suicidal lately. of coures i haven't done anything to harm myself. but it's going through my head. depression sucks, but i don't think that's what this is. i think it's just old thoughts. i keep switching thoughts but back to how i started feeling this way. what...4 months ago? when we'd sit on the couch, watching T.V. a typical day. way back when. football. the same old thing. i'd cry, and he'dj ust sit there like he didn't do a thing. but i took it. i sat there and fucking took it. like that's what is suppose to happen, like it was all my fault he was this way becuase of me. or so i was told . he rolled his eyes everytime i got upset. like he isn't suppose to make me happy. he spent more time away from me then actually with me....i put his presents to me up in my closet. i don't want anythign to do with them. they'll be in the garbage soon enough. i just can't take the pain anymore. it was all about sex. this is what triggered my depression. well at least i think so. i dunno..it hit me hard tonight. when i looked up at my travis and saw how happy he was. or so he made me think. i hope he is. all i wanna do is make him happy. it seems all i do is fuck shit up anyway. nothigns ever going to change.i'll never change. well for the best at least. it's gotten horrible... my life that is . i love kissing my travis i love sitting in his car, or just looking at him. i love him so much. i can't stand to lose him. i'm so horrible, i'm a horrible person, a horrible person. i DON'T deserve to be here. and i know i've vented in here before abou the same old shit, but it's hit hard this time. i don't know. i wouldn't take the time to read this. i'm way too emotional for relationships. or at least i think so. every thing bothers me...i'm just not a suitable girlfriend...i love looking into his eyes...just watching him watch me. like i get lost in his eyes and all of a sudden every worry in the world is gone. i never got that with jay. i never got the passion of just kissing him. i can kiss travis and not get the finger in me. like it isn't shit. like every time we kiss this is suppose to happen. becuase it isn't. it really isn't. i'm gonna have an emotional break down one of these days. if things don't start looking up. i'm tired of the same old thing every day. nothing ever changes. no surprises. no nothing. it's the same old thing. wake up, go to school, come home....lie in bed. another wasted night. that seems to be happening a lot latley. i'm slowly dying inside. and i'm the only one that seems to notice. i haven't slept in a good week. i mean yea...i fall asleep. but i don't sleep. i dream. i dream of the day when everything goes away. or the day something happens, and something different happens. and i get surprised. or something surprising happens. even the tiniest thing. im just not up for the same thing everyday. i dunno maybe i'm just feeling tired. i feel that i might break . i don't know what to do with myself. well here my mom is yet again yelling at me to get off the computer. why? so i can take a shower and lie in bed...listening to my music. until i eventually fall asleep to the sound of "roseanne" playing in the background. until i wake up at 5 30 again...like i have the past week. and just lie there...and the day starts over again. my luck i won't see my travis tommorow...and it'll make it 10 times worse. i'll come home...put up an away message...and lay in bed the rest of the day. i won't eat dinner...i don't feel the need to eat anymore. maybe i'll malnutrition and die. that would be nice. but i couldn't leave travis here...not alone. not with the dreams of our marriage and kids and just...being together..just lingering in his heart. no. i'll die an old women..with a beautiful husband. beautiful kids. beautiful grandkids. that would be nice. but god knows if i'll be happy....well i'm done. if you took the time to read this...ask me for a cookie.

- K r i s

"another wasted night, the television steals the conversation...exhale, another waste breath, again it goes unnoticed"