Losing control
A time I felt the least like myself? That's just wicked easy. Because even if Wes weren't around to remind me all the time there's no way I could forget how low you gotta sink before you pick yourself back up off the ground again.
I don't think it sunk in until I was standin' right across the street from Sunnydale High School wearing some cheap clothes I snagged off some random chick I'd nearly beaten to death. Then I knew it was all true. I'd been sleeping for eight months and Wilkins was long gone. Killed by B actually. I thought that I could just find her and figure everything out. Don't think there's anything scarier than waking up one to find out that the entire world was completely different. Cause when you sleep for that long it doesn't really feel like that much time has passed when you wake up. More like you just slept off the longest night of binge drinking you ever had and now you had the hangover from hell. I was standing outside Giles' apartment, watching her and Riley through the window. Watching things be almost exactly the same as they had been, minus me and Angel. The guy she nearly killed me for, the reason there was eight months just erased from my life, was gone. I don't even think it was that though, I think it was the overwhelming feeling that they'd all just forgotten about me. All I'd ever done was scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum trying to get their attention and none of it had even worked a little bit.
I just lost it. I didn't know what was up and what was down and where I was supposed to go. I pretty much just bought into the Mayor's words when he told me that the world didn't have a place in it for me anymore. I didn't have anymore time. That was it. I was just done and I hadn't left a mark on anything or anyone. No one was gonna remember me when I was gone. So I hijacked Buffy's body and that had it's own effect on me. It made me realize what it was like to be her. To see the way that everybody looked at me, to know that people actually needed us to do what we do, appreciated it. The world was a completely different place when you were wearing her skin. I kind've new from the beginning it wasn't gonna work. Sure, I had big plans to run off to Mexico and spend my best years sipping margaritas and banging cabana boys but I knew it wasn't gonna happen for me. They needed her to much. They were gonna know it wasn't her. And before I could disect just exactly what I had, it was gone.
Guess that's where the whole point of this is. The time of my life when I felt the least like myself. When I got to L.A. I just decided to try and do with Angel what I couldn't seem to accomplish with Buffy. Catch his attention. Guess I did that when I nabbed Wes and tortured him nearly to death. It had to be Wes and it had to be what I did because I needed someone to remember. I needed those scars to stay on his skin for the rest of his life, so every morning when he looked in the mirror his reflection would scream Faith was here. I was there. I effected someone. Someone was always gonna remember me til the day they died. And I tried so fucking hard to be proud of it after I'd done some of my work and I just sat on the window and wondered when the hell Angel was gonna get there and just end it all. Because I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I just got thrust back into this world that didn't make any sense and I had no control. I'd never had any control, but at least before the coma I'd managed to control myself even if it was just a little bit. Think I memorized every crack in the pavement, counting down the seconds that dragged on forever as I just waited. I wanted to close my eyes and wish it all away. Suddenly I was desperate to go back to my coma. I wished I'd never woken up.
I don't think it sunk in until I was standin' right across the street from Sunnydale High School wearing some cheap clothes I snagged off some random chick I'd nearly beaten to death. Then I knew it was all true. I'd been sleeping for eight months and Wilkins was long gone. Killed by B actually. I thought that I could just find her and figure everything out. Don't think there's anything scarier than waking up one to find out that the entire world was completely different. Cause when you sleep for that long it doesn't really feel like that much time has passed when you wake up. More like you just slept off the longest night of binge drinking you ever had and now you had the hangover from hell. I was standing outside Giles' apartment, watching her and Riley through the window. Watching things be almost exactly the same as they had been, minus me and Angel. The guy she nearly killed me for, the reason there was eight months just erased from my life, was gone. I don't even think it was that though, I think it was the overwhelming feeling that they'd all just forgotten about me. All I'd ever done was scream and cry and throw a temper tantrum trying to get their attention and none of it had even worked a little bit.
I just lost it. I didn't know what was up and what was down and where I was supposed to go. I pretty much just bought into the Mayor's words when he told me that the world didn't have a place in it for me anymore. I didn't have anymore time. That was it. I was just done and I hadn't left a mark on anything or anyone. No one was gonna remember me when I was gone. So I hijacked Buffy's body and that had it's own effect on me. It made me realize what it was like to be her. To see the way that everybody looked at me, to know that people actually needed us to do what we do, appreciated it. The world was a completely different place when you were wearing her skin. I kind've new from the beginning it wasn't gonna work. Sure, I had big plans to run off to Mexico and spend my best years sipping margaritas and banging cabana boys but I knew it wasn't gonna happen for me. They needed her to much. They were gonna know it wasn't her. And before I could disect just exactly what I had, it was gone.
Guess that's where the whole point of this is. The time of my life when I felt the least like myself. When I got to L.A. I just decided to try and do with Angel what I couldn't seem to accomplish with Buffy. Catch his attention. Guess I did that when I nabbed Wes and tortured him nearly to death. It had to be Wes and it had to be what I did because I needed someone to remember. I needed those scars to stay on his skin for the rest of his life, so every morning when he looked in the mirror his reflection would scream Faith was here. I was there. I effected someone. Someone was always gonna remember me til the day they died. And I tried so fucking hard to be proud of it after I'd done some of my work and I just sat on the window and wondered when the hell Angel was gonna get there and just end it all. Because I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I just got thrust back into this world that didn't make any sense and I had no control. I'd never had any control, but at least before the coma I'd managed to control myself even if it was just a little bit. Think I memorized every crack in the pavement, counting down the seconds that dragged on forever as I just waited. I wanted to close my eyes and wish it all away. Suddenly I was desperate to go back to my coma. I wished I'd never woken up.