all or nothing...
So basically I haven't updated in a while cuz I've been busy beyond belief. But I actually have like time tonight so I figured I'd write a bit.
Ok sooooo school..kinda sucky. TONS of work and I've come to realize, through all those therapy techniques/groups at LIJ..even though it was a while ago when I first was introduced to them..that I have this all or nothing attitude when it comes to school, food, weight, self esteem. With school its like..I'll either try and do all my work on one shot, and I'll completely overwhelm myself..orrr I'll procrastinate like theres no tomorrow. I feel like no matter what I do with school, its not good enough..that being said I know its not GOOD to not do work, or try and kill myself doing it...but its like implanted in my brain that like you either have to be the best, or youre nothing..
SAT grades from the recent october one came in..lets just say any dreams I possibly could have conjoured up of going to ANY school just got completley demolished..I knew I didnt do great, but I didnt think that Id go down..technically i went up - but it was in the writing section...which sucks because colleges (at lest the ones im applying to) dont even look at writing grades on the SAT...so yeah I thought I was fine with it/didnt care..but as usual..it was me "playing it up" at school...I got home and just cried because like even though I have mixed emotions about leaving home/going to school/my future...I just thought that like it would be nice to know that Im not a failure at ONE thing ..butt i was proven wrong yet again..
As far as things go personally...I couldn't be more of a mess. Emotionally Im going through hell...I feel like I'm not a good enough friend/person/etc..and i beat myself up over it..I used to be able to help people and talk to my friends and help cheer them up..and I think I tried doing that moreso because since I couldnt help myself (feel better)...I would trick myself into feeling good about myself because I helped someone else..and dont get me wrong i still love talking to my friends and trying to help them in any way possible...i just dont think im good at it...which also led me to my next move which was deciding that instead of going into the field of clinical psychology, id become a criminal psychologist..which ive always loved but never thought of as a career option...so anyway, i went on a tangent....I just feel that right now im at a point in my life where anything I do..could and probably should be done better...
I am ALWAYS coparing myself to others and ik that has alot to do with the ED but its not just weight/size/etc that im comparing...its EVERYTHING..i feel like im almost competing with people...only they have no idea...usually when u compete with someone, its a mutual thing...in my case, im competing but theyre not..theyre just living their lives minding their own business, clueless to the fact that im trying to be better/thinner/prettier/happier....and i seem to lose every "competition"...
it also leads to competition with myself.."i want to do/be better...i HAVE to.." but then i have these feelings like..."i dont DESERVE to do/be better/happier etc.." again..all or nothing....these days im either really happy or depressed beyond belief..theres never an in between and it sucks..and i can snap and things can change within minutes...maybe im like bipolar? who knows...i might as well add that onto my list of diagnosed crap....
anyway the good things right now are:
in the past week i saw eve and tiff, both unexpected meetings and it made me really happy
ive been speaking to chelsea on the phone/via myspace and i love her to death
the friendships i have now with alot of people are getting stronger in my opinion which just makes me really happy when i think about it
comment please, loves
♥
Ok sooooo school..kinda sucky. TONS of work and I've come to realize, through all those therapy techniques/groups at LIJ..even though it was a while ago when I first was introduced to them..that I have this all or nothing attitude when it comes to school, food, weight, self esteem. With school its like..I'll either try and do all my work on one shot, and I'll completely overwhelm myself..orrr I'll procrastinate like theres no tomorrow. I feel like no matter what I do with school, its not good enough..that being said I know its not GOOD to not do work, or try and kill myself doing it...but its like implanted in my brain that like you either have to be the best, or youre nothing..
SAT grades from the recent october one came in..lets just say any dreams I possibly could have conjoured up of going to ANY school just got completley demolished..I knew I didnt do great, but I didnt think that Id go down..technically i went up - but it was in the writing section...which sucks because colleges (at lest the ones im applying to) dont even look at writing grades on the SAT...so yeah I thought I was fine with it/didnt care..but as usual..it was me "playing it up" at school...I got home and just cried because like even though I have mixed emotions about leaving home/going to school/my future...I just thought that like it would be nice to know that Im not a failure at ONE thing ..butt i was proven wrong yet again..
As far as things go personally...I couldn't be more of a mess. Emotionally Im going through hell...I feel like I'm not a good enough friend/person/etc..and i beat myself up over it..I used to be able to help people and talk to my friends and help cheer them up..and I think I tried doing that moreso because since I couldnt help myself (feel better)...I would trick myself into feeling good about myself because I helped someone else..and dont get me wrong i still love talking to my friends and trying to help them in any way possible...i just dont think im good at it...which also led me to my next move which was deciding that instead of going into the field of clinical psychology, id become a criminal psychologist..which ive always loved but never thought of as a career option...so anyway, i went on a tangent....I just feel that right now im at a point in my life where anything I do..could and probably should be done better...
I am ALWAYS coparing myself to others and ik that has alot to do with the ED but its not just weight/size/etc that im comparing...its EVERYTHING..i feel like im almost competing with people...only they have no idea...usually when u compete with someone, its a mutual thing...in my case, im competing but theyre not..theyre just living their lives minding their own business, clueless to the fact that im trying to be better/thinner/prettier/happier....and i seem to lose every "competition"...
it also leads to competition with myself.."i want to do/be better...i HAVE to.." but then i have these feelings like..."i dont DESERVE to do/be better/happier etc.." again..all or nothing....these days im either really happy or depressed beyond belief..theres never an in between and it sucks..and i can snap and things can change within minutes...maybe im like bipolar? who knows...i might as well add that onto my list of diagnosed crap....
anyway the good things right now are:
in the past week i saw eve and tiff, both unexpected meetings and it made me really happy
ive been speaking to chelsea on the phone/via myspace and i love her to death
the friendships i have now with alot of people are getting stronger in my opinion which just makes me really happy when i think about it
comment please, loves
♥