Let's Talk About Sex, Baby
I've been feeling out of contact with everyone since Sat. Liz and Hergie stopped by today, which made my day, and we hung out for a few hours. That was an up until I found out that Liz, Stef, and Matt went out gallivanting last night and no one thought that I might like to join in. I felt like such shit last night that finding that out was like a punch in the stomach. I went to bed at 7:30 for crying out loud. That should say something.
I got this text earlier and I didn't know who it was from so I called the person. It turned out to be Casey. So I talked to her for a little while. It felt so good to just be able to talk and know that the other person wasn't judging you or thinking you weren't good enough. I told her all about Josh and my insecurities. Wow, it felt nice. Somehow, the conversation got twisted to sex appeal. I said something like, "I really don't think I'm sexually attractive...to anyone. Gotta love me and my hating of the bod." And Casey comes back with, "You've got to be kidding me! Don't even get me started..." We said a few other things and out it comes that she liked me when she first met me. Like liked. She thought I was cute and funny and loved how I had such little girl attributes. Uh, okay... Never knew that! Welcome to the world of oblivious Beth. I really do wonder if Josh thinks of me that way. It may seem like a stupid thing to say. He's my boyfriend, of course he does. I just find it really hard to believe. I hate that I'm always so self-conscious. When he kisses me, I don't know what to do. When we're messing around, I really don't know what I should be doing in return. It fucking pisses me off sometimes. There is never enough trust with anyone for me to just say, "Okay, I just wanna play and see what happens." Sometimes it just feels like it's all or nothing.
Went driving with liz. It was so much fun. I heart driving, but momi refuses to take me because I'm not on her insurance. Damnit.
Then after work, I talk to momi about josh. We managed to have a civilized conversation without yelling at each other. She told me I need to:
(a) talk to josh honestly
(b) carry around condoms...just in case
(c) "explore my body"
NO FISHING ZONE, GUYS wtf! Grrr. I'm don't know what the fuck I'm feeling right now. I really just want to talk to someone. :(
Pathetic.
I got this text earlier and I didn't know who it was from so I called the person. It turned out to be Casey. So I talked to her for a little while. It felt so good to just be able to talk and know that the other person wasn't judging you or thinking you weren't good enough. I told her all about Josh and my insecurities. Wow, it felt nice. Somehow, the conversation got twisted to sex appeal. I said something like, "I really don't think I'm sexually attractive...to anyone. Gotta love me and my hating of the bod." And Casey comes back with, "You've got to be kidding me! Don't even get me started..." We said a few other things and out it comes that she liked me when she first met me. Like liked. She thought I was cute and funny and loved how I had such little girl attributes. Uh, okay... Never knew that! Welcome to the world of oblivious Beth. I really do wonder if Josh thinks of me that way. It may seem like a stupid thing to say. He's my boyfriend, of course he does. I just find it really hard to believe. I hate that I'm always so self-conscious. When he kisses me, I don't know what to do. When we're messing around, I really don't know what I should be doing in return. It fucking pisses me off sometimes. There is never enough trust with anyone for me to just say, "Okay, I just wanna play and see what happens." Sometimes it just feels like it's all or nothing.
Went driving with liz. It was so much fun. I heart driving, but momi refuses to take me because I'm not on her insurance. Damnit.
Then after work, I talk to momi about josh. We managed to have a civilized conversation without yelling at each other. She told me I need to:
(a) talk to josh honestly
(b) carry around condoms...just in case
(c) "explore my body"
NO FISHING ZONE, GUYS wtf! Grrr. I'm don't know what the fuck I'm feeling right now. I really just want to talk to someone. :(
Pathetic.