Internal diagnostic scan complete
Recently, I've lost my ability to focus. I write novels in my head only to have them vanish as soon as I'm within reach of a pencil or a computer. I used to work on one project and finish it. Now I do five things at once, and they never get done or they don't turn out well. I have almost no self esteem, but sometimes I'm one hell of a judgmental snob. I had a good hair day today. I'd like to be able to put on makeup. I'm not sure that I'd wear it if I could, but the skill would be nice to have. Also, I'd like to be able to coordinate my clothes. I seem hopeless in that area. Same with cooking. Practicing is hard because it's hard to cook for one, but at this point feeding anyone else the results of my attempts might count as premeditated murder. I'm sure that living alone has its charms but I miss my roommates so much. Sometimes I don't understand what I'm thinking. Literally. My brain spouts words and phrases I've heard but have no clue what they mean. This is happening less and less recently, and I'm not sure if it's because I understand more or if I've stopped absorbing Japanese through osmosis. There are so many things that I want to do but don't. I have a habit of blaming laziness or lack of time but I wonder sometimes if I'm afraid to start something new because I'm afraid to fail. I buy things I don't need and lose interest in them quickly. I wonder if I'll ever meet 'the right guy.' I think I probably have a crush on my awesome female gym teacher. My self-image and my actual physical appearance are sometimes so at odds with each other that I'll catch sight of my reflection in a mirror or a window and wonder who it is. This happens with alarmingly frequency. I have developed a complex about the size of my head. In Japan, "small face" is a compliment, but I won't stay here forever, and in America, we say "pinhead." I've started dropping the subjects out of sentences when I speak English, and things that used to sound strange ("Let's eating!" "See you!" excessive use of the word "maybe") now sound almost natural. Sometimes I feel brilliant. Sometimes I wonder why people bother talking to me at all. I put disclaimers on everything; people, books, TV shows, anything I'm recommending that someone check out. It's like I'm afraid they'll think I'm a freak if they don't like something I like. I think I may make them not like it by giving so many disclaimers in the first place. Very simple things have the power to make me inexplicably happy - a smile, a letter from a student, a postcard from a friend. At the same time, very simple things can make me inexplicably sad. I've been studying Japanese for over 3 years, and living here for a year and a half. My mom never even knew I was interested in Japan. I wonder what she'd think if she knew. I was lucky enough to find amazing friends at a young age. Sometimes it makes it hard to take other friendships seriously because not much can compare with what I already have. When I do get attached to a new friend, I wonder if they realize that I expect them to be around forever. Most of the time I feel like a government construction zone: blocked off, inconveniencing traffic and in serious need of repairs, but no work is actually getting done. I think part of the problem is I'm not sure what pieces of me need to be fixed. I am so full of contradictions, and I think that makes life a hell of a lot more interesting, but sometimes it gets a bit exhausting.
So how are you all doing?
So how are you all doing?