knowing that it would come back for me...
I say so much and yet I say so little at all. I mean I spazz about so much, or I talk about so many things or I express myself in so many ways...and yet it is all the same...I have no depth.
I like to think that people don't know me, but I guess that's just wishful thinking...Or to think that some people know me better than others...That may be true, but they only know me better cause they actually take the time to figure me out, which I guess isn't that hard to do. I'm such a predictable person. If I have no depth then am I shallow?? I'm one dimensional. Nothing about me is complex..hah. I'm quite simple actually.
And yet at the same time as I say this, I know that there are some people out there who don't get me and it's not for lack of trying...For instance, My family even tho they know me quite well, have no clue what I'm all about...Maybe I just work harder to keep them confused and out of my life...As harsh as that sounds...and then there is the fact that I don't want to be understood, and at the same time, I pour myself out onto these bleedin internet things, I mean it's not even hard for me to update 2 separate journals daily...one light hearted and the other in turmoil...I find no lack of words...
I seem to be so many different people, and nobody seems to get all of me, they get bits and pieces of different personalities...unless they have been given all my sites and all my thoughts as they come to me... I pour out my soul to a few certain individuals...Sometimes this fact drives me insane cause I sit there and worry that I will chase these people away with my insane ravings or that I will become theirs since they will know all about me...it's kinda a scary thought and one that I'm not sure I can explain quite right. But by someone being able to tell everything about me, to know me completely, to know how I'm feeling, to know the hidden meanings in my words, it gives them a power over me, and indeed they own me in a way.
Sometimes that is a relief, and sometimes it makes me lash out when I really don't mean to...It's my own doing, letting someone get so close to me, and my own choice of who that person or persons are...so I shouldn't lash out, no matter how rebellious I am feeling at the time...If you know me, you know that I try to throw you a curve ball every now and again if only to convince myself that you don't know/own me completely because I'm too afraid to let you know me so well and then to lose you. I'm constantly afraid of losing people...I both love and hate freedom...
I am every bit a Sagittarius, firey temper, always wanting to explore, quite emotional, always seeking knowledge of this or that-often too curious, and unable to calmly let myself be tamed...But then again, doesn't everyone go through moments like those?? Hah, not to pin too much on the zodiac thing, but I also tend to pick the 2 signs who are supposed to work least well with the Sag, The Scorpio, and The Cancer, both are awesome signs or people, but neither are supposed to work well with the moody Sag...
I hate how I rant on about nothing. I take the smallest emotion or sense that there is something nagging at the back of my mind and I pick at it and form it into these overly long almost epic rants, maybe I just like to hear myself talk? or in this case, hear myself type. I wish one day that I would just shut up and stop being so open. I want to close tighter than a clam and not open back up.
I was called confident last nite...but it wasn't confident in the way one would normally think of...If I'm trying, I've got no confidence, but if I'm trying not to, I seem to have all the confidence in the world...I know this needs to be elaborated, but I don't feel like it at the moment. Perhaps later. Perhaps I should apply this type of confidence to my whole life...Try not to and see what happens?? God I'm overly shy,and yet I'm not. I contradict myself...Someone please just explain me to me please, I confuse myself...of is it that what I feel is different from what I tell myself I should be feeling...
Here is a task for you people who actually read this...Explain me....I'm sure you can put at most 5 words together and it would explain me perfectly.I want to know how you guys see me, I wanna see me through ur eyes cause I'm tired of looking at myself through my eyes. And please feel free to be honest. Don't go easy on me cause u think I'll spazz. I promise I will not spazz, I'm asking for this, so I'm prepared to take whatever u say...
I like to think that people don't know me, but I guess that's just wishful thinking...Or to think that some people know me better than others...That may be true, but they only know me better cause they actually take the time to figure me out, which I guess isn't that hard to do. I'm such a predictable person. If I have no depth then am I shallow?? I'm one dimensional. Nothing about me is complex..hah. I'm quite simple actually.
And yet at the same time as I say this, I know that there are some people out there who don't get me and it's not for lack of trying...For instance, My family even tho they know me quite well, have no clue what I'm all about...Maybe I just work harder to keep them confused and out of my life...As harsh as that sounds...and then there is the fact that I don't want to be understood, and at the same time, I pour myself out onto these bleedin internet things, I mean it's not even hard for me to update 2 separate journals daily...one light hearted and the other in turmoil...I find no lack of words...
I seem to be so many different people, and nobody seems to get all of me, they get bits and pieces of different personalities...unless they have been given all my sites and all my thoughts as they come to me... I pour out my soul to a few certain individuals...Sometimes this fact drives me insane cause I sit there and worry that I will chase these people away with my insane ravings or that I will become theirs since they will know all about me...it's kinda a scary thought and one that I'm not sure I can explain quite right. But by someone being able to tell everything about me, to know me completely, to know how I'm feeling, to know the hidden meanings in my words, it gives them a power over me, and indeed they own me in a way.
Sometimes that is a relief, and sometimes it makes me lash out when I really don't mean to...It's my own doing, letting someone get so close to me, and my own choice of who that person or persons are...so I shouldn't lash out, no matter how rebellious I am feeling at the time...If you know me, you know that I try to throw you a curve ball every now and again if only to convince myself that you don't know/own me completely because I'm too afraid to let you know me so well and then to lose you. I'm constantly afraid of losing people...I both love and hate freedom...
I am every bit a Sagittarius, firey temper, always wanting to explore, quite emotional, always seeking knowledge of this or that-often too curious, and unable to calmly let myself be tamed...But then again, doesn't everyone go through moments like those?? Hah, not to pin too much on the zodiac thing, but I also tend to pick the 2 signs who are supposed to work least well with the Sag, The Scorpio, and The Cancer, both are awesome signs or people, but neither are supposed to work well with the moody Sag...
I hate how I rant on about nothing. I take the smallest emotion or sense that there is something nagging at the back of my mind and I pick at it and form it into these overly long almost epic rants, maybe I just like to hear myself talk? or in this case, hear myself type. I wish one day that I would just shut up and stop being so open. I want to close tighter than a clam and not open back up.
I was called confident last nite...but it wasn't confident in the way one would normally think of...If I'm trying, I've got no confidence, but if I'm trying not to, I seem to have all the confidence in the world...I know this needs to be elaborated, but I don't feel like it at the moment. Perhaps later. Perhaps I should apply this type of confidence to my whole life...Try not to and see what happens?? God I'm overly shy,and yet I'm not. I contradict myself...Someone please just explain me to me please, I confuse myself...of is it that what I feel is different from what I tell myself I should be feeling...
Here is a task for you people who actually read this...Explain me....I'm sure you can put at most 5 words together and it would explain me perfectly.I want to know how you guys see me, I wanna see me through ur eyes cause I'm tired of looking at myself through my eyes. And please feel free to be honest. Don't go easy on me cause u think I'll spazz. I promise I will not spazz, I'm asking for this, so I'm prepared to take whatever u say...