just sittin at home....

[wickedexistence]

in front of my computer with a beer. Yup that's what i'm doing. I had my first 2 days of work at the gas station and now I realize my life really sucks. I mean I have a good one but one that seems to get shit on every day. I'm the person that never gets ahead, never gets enough sleep, never has enough money. Someone is always mad at me. I don't have much friends anymore. I can't remember the last time I really smiled and ment it. I cry at night and wake up angry. I use alcohol as an escape right now. I yell at my mother. I get angry when my grandmother can't understand me. I miss when she could walk. I question God or why I'm here. I cry alot. I also try and stay strong around others. I lived in the light and now I always try to hide in the dark. I don't take care of my house anymore. I do any chore half-ass. I get hurt thinking about a sister who used to be my best friend but now is weird to even talk to her. I'm tired of my little sister putting me down, yelling but still I yell right back and say fuck real loud to her face. So it doesn't make me any more of a better person. I go out late at night and spend money when I should be saving. I smoke but try so hard to quit. I want to be with friends and have a good time all the time but sometimes all I really want is to be alone curld up for days away from everything. I'm always tired. I don't eat right. My mind seems to not store new memories much any more and i've lost most of my past. I've been hurt by friends. I live life in loss....something missing. I drive to fast. Mostly because i'm always late. I smile a fake smile sometimes when all I want to do is scream in there face. I push people away when I need help. When I need it I hide or play pretend everything's alright. I've changed my appearance so many times hoping it will change who I am, but that never works. I'v tried marijuana in the past. I've drivin after a couple drinks. I'v loved someone whom my mother doesn't like, I've loved someone who doesn't love me back. I give my heart and soul for nothing in return. I'v seen the devil, whom I never care to be near again. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings any more. I wish I was the little girl I was along time ago. Such a "little lung(young) lady" I used to say. I've grown up so fast and I'm not quite sure I like what I see. I have great responsibility and the thing that scares me is this is only the begining. I know it's all part of growing...that's what they all say, but why do I have to do it alone. People tend not to believe me because of the little, nice, happy sane, girl I was in the past. And yet if someone asks me if i'm ok I deny everything and say I'm ok. I've had a nervouse breakdown and calm my self before a repeat.

Typing this all out helps alot. But to re-read it feels like i'm playing a fucking violin with the sad orchestra behind it. So I'll stop and say thanx to myself for finding a place to vent. And sorry to all of you who don't want to read this.

Good day for now.....
Love,
Jillian