Watching you

[wickedevra]

*headdesk* I just deleted my whole entry instead of posting the revised version. Thanks lupinslittlesis and paulamcg for your great comments and sorry I lost them. Here is my second attempt...

Title: Watching You

Author: wickedevra

Rating: PG 13 I guess

Pairing: SB/RL

Word count: 800

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter characters and the world they

Comments

[paulamcg]

Once again I think I’ll have more to say but I want to let you know now that I do like the changes you made to this wonderful piece.

It must be better to leave out the further comment on the sorting system and the reference to Slytherins, as they were a bit distracting (and the former made the sentence complicated - just when we needed to start moving our focus to those friends, who were the more central aspect).

The partner restrictions work at least for me well in this form. And I really like the mention of Remus’s reaction at James and Lily’s wedding (although I wonder if you can say that someone “smiles bitter sweet” - not using an adverb), as it refers to the same theme.

However I’m not sure about the other two sentences in that paragraph. Perhaps there’s something wrong with me but I can’t understand what “as he faced…” means, and the mention of “tragedy” is quite vague and makes me wish for something a bit more substantial. Instead, I like the tears and the blood... The imagery shows how deeply Sirius feels for Remus.

I’ve actually saved my comments on your original entry. (After the hacking of the Snitch a year ago I got to the habit of saving everything I write and all the reviews I get.)

[wickedevra]

Thanks so much for your comments :) - again! I do think it works better without the distractions, but that wedding/war paragraph needs some work still. I shall have to attack it when I'm in a better frame of mind that I was last night. It was time to step away from the computer...will edit later, hopefully without deleting anything this time.