5 Years ago
Tomorrow, I met and fell in love with a boy. Five years later, I still love that boy, but in a different way.
I have processed this over and over again, and I mostly feel peace. There are moments of turmoil and heartache- mostly because I feel that I wasted my time and his- but beyond that, that he truly feels, down to the core of his being, that no one cares. Because the truth is, no one CAN care unless he cares first.
Not even your own mother.
Sadly, it was her lack of parental guidance and her hostility that made Matthew a part of the way he is today. But she will keep beating herself up over it, and he will continue to punish her for it, sadly, until the day they die.
I however, no longer need to be involved. It was NEVER in my control, but I've washed my hands of it. There are a few threads there - a friendship that will always be strained and resentful on both our parts. He with me for breaking down his walls, and walking away. And I with he because I geneuinely cared to the point that I gave up. I don't give up. Not to mention the financial strain. But I have no regrets...
It's a part of what's made me who I am today. No regrets.
I like me. I love me in fact.
If any lyric could sum out how I feel, it would be How's it gonna be by 3rd eye blind.
Gawd, it fits. "Where we used to laugh - There's a shouting match..."
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore, Before you take a swing
I wonder What are we fighting for When I say out loud I want to get out of this I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss I wonder How it's going to be When your not around
Hows it going to be When you found out there was nothing Between you and me 'Cause I don't care
I don't miss you. But my heart hurts for you. Still.Forever.
I guestion love and what I believe about it. It wasnt even an infatuation with me and you. It was some weird fucked up obligation or addiction even. That kept me there. That kept you there. For too long.
Far far too long.
Where do I go from here... I go forward. I am in graduate school. Never thought that'd happen. I am living at home. The future is blurry, can't quit make out how all the pieces will fall together, but it is bright. It's a bright future without you. I'm sorry.
I truly hope he finds happiness one day. I continue to pray for him because its all I can really do. I just can't believe how LONG it took... I think of 5 years and all the adventues and drama ladden stories. The pity parties, the guilt trips, the tears, the anger, the mileage. Oih.
But at the time, I didn't care. I was doing what my conscious dictated and what I thought was right.
I was wrong.
I do not regret it. I won't. I can't.
Can you put the past away?
I hope so. Otherwise there is no future.
There IS future. It is blurry. But it is bright. It gives me a great hope. A hope I've never experienced before in my 25 years. A desire for the next chapter. A chapter filled with hope and joy and laughter and memories. That I will cherish for a lifetime, and eternity.
Here's to tomorrow!
I have processed this over and over again, and I mostly feel peace. There are moments of turmoil and heartache- mostly because I feel that I wasted my time and his- but beyond that, that he truly feels, down to the core of his being, that no one cares. Because the truth is, no one CAN care unless he cares first.
Not even your own mother.
Sadly, it was her lack of parental guidance and her hostility that made Matthew a part of the way he is today. But she will keep beating herself up over it, and he will continue to punish her for it, sadly, until the day they die.
I however, no longer need to be involved. It was NEVER in my control, but I've washed my hands of it. There are a few threads there - a friendship that will always be strained and resentful on both our parts. He with me for breaking down his walls, and walking away. And I with he because I geneuinely cared to the point that I gave up. I don't give up. Not to mention the financial strain. But I have no regrets...
It's a part of what's made me who I am today. No regrets.
I like me. I love me in fact.
If any lyric could sum out how I feel, it would be How's it gonna be by 3rd eye blind.
Gawd, it fits. "Where we used to laugh - There's a shouting match..."
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore, Before you take a swing
I wonder What are we fighting for When I say out loud I want to get out of this I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss I wonder How it's going to be When your not around
Hows it going to be When you found out there was nothing Between you and me 'Cause I don't care
I don't miss you. But my heart hurts for you. Still.Forever.
I guestion love and what I believe about it. It wasnt even an infatuation with me and you. It was some weird fucked up obligation or addiction even. That kept me there. That kept you there. For too long.
Far far too long.
Where do I go from here... I go forward. I am in graduate school. Never thought that'd happen. I am living at home. The future is blurry, can't quit make out how all the pieces will fall together, but it is bright. It's a bright future without you. I'm sorry.
I truly hope he finds happiness one day. I continue to pray for him because its all I can really do. I just can't believe how LONG it took... I think of 5 years and all the adventues and drama ladden stories. The pity parties, the guilt trips, the tears, the anger, the mileage. Oih.
But at the time, I didn't care. I was doing what my conscious dictated and what I thought was right.
I was wrong.
I do not regret it. I won't. I can't.
Can you put the past away?
I hope so. Otherwise there is no future.
There IS future. It is blurry. But it is bright. It gives me a great hope. A hope I've never experienced before in my 25 years. A desire for the next chapter. A chapter filled with hope and joy and laughter and memories. That I will cherish for a lifetime, and eternity.
Here's to tomorrow!