(no subject)
I am slowly learning more about myself as i am now. I start to see what makes me tick. Some good, others bad but i am going to have to acept them all. I felt sexually arroused for the first time the other day. Well i have been before but not like this. Instead of pictures or porn on the internet it was caused by another living person. One that i could touch, smell, taste, and love. It was very strange to me. Up until the last week or so i have been relatively shy, but i went a step further and then i was aroused. I cant say i didnt like the feeling but in ways i didnt. I meant to do one thing but after it was done i... lost control. I kept going alittle further and i couldnt seem to stop myself. She didnt try to stop me but after i finally made myself leave before it led to sex, something our relationship is not read for yet, i started to think about it. Things like why did i do that? why couldnt i stop myself? what if i went too far? She didnt try to stop me, but was she really wanting that or did it bother her? What if i had stayed? how far would it go? If she didnt want it then she would have stoped me... or would she? many more things like that i thought about but you get the point. I prolly worried about it too much. I sort of want to apologise to her but then again, what would i apologise for? if i did something wrong surely she would have told me or in the least told me no when it happened. Makes me scared that what if something like this happens again and puts me in the position to do something else like that. Would she want it? Would she not and not tell me? why do i think she wouldnt tell me you ask? because she is weird that way. Maybe i am wrong. maybe she would tell me. What if it happens again and i cant stop myself and i go too far... or try to go all the way too far. I dont want to do that. not when she isnt ready. Sorry i didnt mention what happened exactly for any who is actually curious. Im no gentleman but i try to be in ways. It really wasnt something terribly sexual or anything but still for me it was a big step. Perhaps we were ready for it after all. It seemed to happen rather effortlessly. Like breathing. you just do it.