I am not dead, just profoundly...tired.
In the last several weeks:
1. I moved.
2. I started a new job
3. I hit the end of my financial rope with an unexpected skid and bang
4. I learned that one of my best friends and closest confidantes and one of the most significant relationships in my life would be moving far away, and soon.
5. My mother left her treatment center, immediately began drinking, and hanging around drunk and incoherent near where I used to live.
6. My first act in my new job, had to be to tell my new bosses, then call all my employees to tell them what they should do if she showed up at the store (six blocks away) impaired while I was out of town.
7. The ceiling in my bedroom caved in and dumped water all over the rug and floor while I was in training.
8. My mother downgraded from homeless shelter to sleeping in an alley in the space of a week, while I was out of town.
9. I learned that I would be replacing all my new employees but one, for a variety of reasons that were in play before I was hired.
10. Contractors discovered vast, disgusting amounts of mold and mildew growing for the past seven weeks in the open ceiling that was never repaired.
11. Molds and mildew being my only serious allergy...I have spent the last two months getting progressively sicker and more exhausted, and stinking...hair, clothes, etc....of musty old house and mildew, to the point that people I work with have complained.
12. My 18 yr old niece and surrogate daughter threw an irrational fit and left home in a rage to live with her abusive stalker boyfriend, and a series of equally unsavory friends new and old.
13. My uncle and surrogate father/grandfather to my sister & niece lost his battle with lung cancer metastisized to his spine and brain, four weeks before his daughter's wedding.
14. The only employee in my store who was staying developed a profound dislike and palpable rage at me that even she admits has no basis in anything I've done, and has spent the last four or five weeks undermining and protesting every little thing I d0 down to stuff as stupid as moving the trash can.
15. My other sister had her first child.
16. I ended a lousy situation that once looked like a lifelong friendship with someone I had trusted more than I ever will most people in my life, for reasons I had no control over and that still make no sense, and for all that it was necessary and I learned something from it, it hurt and shook my confidence deeply.
17. The unholy bastards I rent from insisted that I could live in the house while it was full of construction people in respirators, taped up plastic, drywall dust, mold, mildew, and piled furniture, and refused to cooperate with my insurance company which would have provided emergency housing, or to provide any assistance in moving temporarily or permanently.
18. My niece cut her wrists and tried to drive her car off a bridge, and called me to tell me about it, and rant about how unfair everybody was being to her.
19. My cousin got married without her father at her side, in a wedding the pissed off niece refused to attend, my sister is beside herself with confusion, exhaustion, and grief.
20. Another of my close friends is calling almost daily, losing her marriage and her job in the wake of one year old twins, exhausted, anxious and depressed beyond all ability to deal, and married to a true narcissist in the middle of a wildly narcissistic rage over her inability to cater to his irrational ego.
21. Same niece found herself in psychiatric lockup after a police officer found her in her car with bloody arms covered in superficial cuts. She's home now after three days of observation in a mental hospital.
22. Irrationally pissed off employee is taking the weekend to decide if she wants to stay or go.
23. I am moving again for the second time in 3 months.
24. The electrical system in my Jeep burped, leaving the interior lights on while driving and refusing to roll down any windows or adjust the mirrors...requiring $400 in repairs and a full day without my vehicle, costing both time and money I couldn't afford in the middle of a move.
25. I cannot breathe. My chest hurts all the time. I have maybe three hours of stamina before I need a nap. My face hurts. Neither my lungs nor my sinuses will give up anything, no matter how much antihistamine, decongestant or Mucinex I take, and I'm so tired I'm crying by the time I finish an eight hour shift. Hell, I'm so tired I'm crying by the time I finish an email.
I want it to stop now. I want to enjoy my job. Go socialize a little bit. Play. Maybe have a little casual sex somewhere along the way. I want some peace in my life for a few weeks. I don't want to lose anything for a little while. Could we just have that, please?
I'm surprisingly unperturbed by most of this...the niece is getting the help she needs, both sisters are fine, my family is together and coping well, the friend NEEDS to dump the husband, employees come and go, and relationships ebb and flow. Mark and Keith have gone beyond the pale in helping me, and Unkle P has offered both time and badly needed moral support. My bosses are totally supporting me, my store is doing very, very well with the changes I've made, and the new employees are amazing women.
I'm just very, very tired. And this is where I'm putting my message to the Universe. Stop now please. A break is due.
1. I moved.
2. I started a new job
3. I hit the end of my financial rope with an unexpected skid and bang
4. I learned that one of my best friends and closest confidantes and one of the most significant relationships in my life would be moving far away, and soon.
5. My mother left her treatment center, immediately began drinking, and hanging around drunk and incoherent near where I used to live.
6. My first act in my new job, had to be to tell my new bosses, then call all my employees to tell them what they should do if she showed up at the store (six blocks away) impaired while I was out of town.
7. The ceiling in my bedroom caved in and dumped water all over the rug and floor while I was in training.
8. My mother downgraded from homeless shelter to sleeping in an alley in the space of a week, while I was out of town.
9. I learned that I would be replacing all my new employees but one, for a variety of reasons that were in play before I was hired.
10. Contractors discovered vast, disgusting amounts of mold and mildew growing for the past seven weeks in the open ceiling that was never repaired.
11. Molds and mildew being my only serious allergy...I have spent the last two months getting progressively sicker and more exhausted, and stinking...hair, clothes, etc....of musty old house and mildew, to the point that people I work with have complained.
12. My 18 yr old niece and surrogate daughter threw an irrational fit and left home in a rage to live with her abusive stalker boyfriend, and a series of equally unsavory friends new and old.
13. My uncle and surrogate father/grandfather to my sister & niece lost his battle with lung cancer metastisized to his spine and brain, four weeks before his daughter's wedding.
14. The only employee in my store who was staying developed a profound dislike and palpable rage at me that even she admits has no basis in anything I've done, and has spent the last four or five weeks undermining and protesting every little thing I d0 down to stuff as stupid as moving the trash can.
15. My other sister had her first child.
16. I ended a lousy situation that once looked like a lifelong friendship with someone I had trusted more than I ever will most people in my life, for reasons I had no control over and that still make no sense, and for all that it was necessary and I learned something from it, it hurt and shook my confidence deeply.
17. The unholy bastards I rent from insisted that I could live in the house while it was full of construction people in respirators, taped up plastic, drywall dust, mold, mildew, and piled furniture, and refused to cooperate with my insurance company which would have provided emergency housing, or to provide any assistance in moving temporarily or permanently.
18. My niece cut her wrists and tried to drive her car off a bridge, and called me to tell me about it, and rant about how unfair everybody was being to her.
19. My cousin got married without her father at her side, in a wedding the pissed off niece refused to attend, my sister is beside herself with confusion, exhaustion, and grief.
20. Another of my close friends is calling almost daily, losing her marriage and her job in the wake of one year old twins, exhausted, anxious and depressed beyond all ability to deal, and married to a true narcissist in the middle of a wildly narcissistic rage over her inability to cater to his irrational ego.
21. Same niece found herself in psychiatric lockup after a police officer found her in her car with bloody arms covered in superficial cuts. She's home now after three days of observation in a mental hospital.
22. Irrationally pissed off employee is taking the weekend to decide if she wants to stay or go.
23. I am moving again for the second time in 3 months.
24. The electrical system in my Jeep burped, leaving the interior lights on while driving and refusing to roll down any windows or adjust the mirrors...requiring $400 in repairs and a full day without my vehicle, costing both time and money I couldn't afford in the middle of a move.
25. I cannot breathe. My chest hurts all the time. I have maybe three hours of stamina before I need a nap. My face hurts. Neither my lungs nor my sinuses will give up anything, no matter how much antihistamine, decongestant or Mucinex I take, and I'm so tired I'm crying by the time I finish an eight hour shift. Hell, I'm so tired I'm crying by the time I finish an email.
I want it to stop now. I want to enjoy my job. Go socialize a little bit. Play. Maybe have a little casual sex somewhere along the way. I want some peace in my life for a few weeks. I don't want to lose anything for a little while. Could we just have that, please?
I'm surprisingly unperturbed by most of this...the niece is getting the help she needs, both sisters are fine, my family is together and coping well, the friend NEEDS to dump the husband, employees come and go, and relationships ebb and flow. Mark and Keith have gone beyond the pale in helping me, and Unkle P has offered both time and badly needed moral support. My bosses are totally supporting me, my store is doing very, very well with the changes I've made, and the new employees are amazing women.
I'm just very, very tired. And this is where I'm putting my message to the Universe. Stop now please. A break is due.