(no subject)
24 May 2005
“Oh, my star is fading…”
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel all- just empty. Graduation isn’t scaring me at all or anything, it’s like I’ve just gotten so into the mode of “Smart, Funny Granddaughter/Niece” that I’m fading past the role. If that makes any sense at all, which I guess it doesn’t really. Or maybe I just don’t want it to make sense, because then I’m being really dramatic about everything. Maybe I should write some crappy poetry or something. I don’t even feel dramatic or anything either, I just feel…I don’t know. Vacant. Uncreative.
There’s s’posed to be a graduation party at Nick's to-night, but I don’t know if I’ll go. I don’t want to show up all depressed and ruin the party, or have people asking me what’s wrong and then not being able to tell them anything because I don’t know what to tell them, and then have to give them the “Oh, nothing. I’m fine,” answer and smile all fake. I hate forcing smiles.
I wanted to call Laura last night, because I got really upset at my Dad and my aunt’s boyfriend (about separate things, though) but it was too late at night to call her when I got home (we had gone out to Macaroni Grill).
Anyway…I don’t know if it’s just the aftermath of last night that’s making me feel this way, or if it’s due to unrelated circumstances, or something else entirely. I’m feeling hermitish, and I’m really tired of repressing my emotions because they’re too hard to deal with at the moment. Or because it’s easier just to pretend that everything’s peachy keen. Maybe I’d get over it quicker if I could just let myself be hermitish for a day or two, but as I have all my relatives over, I can’t- I’m supposed to sit and be social for everyone. More fakery.
I need to snap out of this. I wish I could just call and talk to Laura now, but I don’t know what to say. When I try and rehearse my grievances to myself, they sound stupid. Maybe I’m being irrational or something. I don’t know. I need to snap out of this.
“Oh, my star is fading…”
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel all- just empty. Graduation isn’t scaring me at all or anything, it’s like I’ve just gotten so into the mode of “Smart, Funny Granddaughter/Niece” that I’m fading past the role. If that makes any sense at all, which I guess it doesn’t really. Or maybe I just don’t want it to make sense, because then I’m being really dramatic about everything. Maybe I should write some crappy poetry or something. I don’t even feel dramatic or anything either, I just feel…I don’t know. Vacant. Uncreative.
There’s s’posed to be a graduation party at Nick's to-night, but I don’t know if I’ll go. I don’t want to show up all depressed and ruin the party, or have people asking me what’s wrong and then not being able to tell them anything because I don’t know what to tell them, and then have to give them the “Oh, nothing. I’m fine,” answer and smile all fake. I hate forcing smiles.
I wanted to call Laura last night, because I got really upset at my Dad and my aunt’s boyfriend (about separate things, though) but it was too late at night to call her when I got home (we had gone out to Macaroni Grill).
Anyway…I don’t know if it’s just the aftermath of last night that’s making me feel this way, or if it’s due to unrelated circumstances, or something else entirely. I’m feeling hermitish, and I’m really tired of repressing my emotions because they’re too hard to deal with at the moment. Or because it’s easier just to pretend that everything’s peachy keen. Maybe I’d get over it quicker if I could just let myself be hermitish for a day or two, but as I have all my relatives over, I can’t- I’m supposed to sit and be social for everyone. More fakery.
I need to snap out of this. I wish I could just call and talk to Laura now, but I don’t know what to say. When I try and rehearse my grievances to myself, they sound stupid. Maybe I’m being irrational or something. I don’t know. I need to snap out of this.