Obsession Night
Decided to make a better Ace entry, last time it was choppy and screwed up. But I don't want this entry to be entirely about Ace, and I don't want to write shit about school, it sucks everything is crumbling down since I missed a couple days and classes. I don't know how I;m going to finish my make up work for English before monday, hmm, I hope she takes some wednesday. Physics, i have until Tuesday to finish the make up work. English and Physics are my hardest classes I realize. At least it isn't math like last year. i really feel out of place in Physics, I really hate being there, it makes me wanna scratch my eyes out and peel my skin off and go to sleep, actually being in that class is like sleeping with my eyes open, that shit sucks. Look at that shit, talking abou tschool and I said I wouldn't. This week was Stephanie's 17th birthday and I got her a carrot cake and gift card from mother, Keba, and I.
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Okay. Ace= Frankie. Frankie=Ace. I would start off with the pensive why do I like him, but that's to cliche, so I'll talk about the cool stuff first, then the boring and repetitive shit later. Anyways, on thursday I knew we had a football game at 7, and I was wondering if Ace would show up, and I thought to myself why the hell would he go to a football game on a thursday, the other ones were on convienient Fridays. I wouldn't go to a game on a thursday if I wasn't in colourgaurd. Hell, I wouldn't go to a game period. Anyways I was wearing my white shirt, black cardigan, skinny jeans, and patent red leather heels so I was feeling really good, and I was actually at school on time. After 5th period Stephanie and I walked past the English building. We came to the conclusion Ace wasn't there that day and just didn't slow pace, and all these kids were in the hallway. Then out of nowhere Ace came out looking glorious, his hair was flying back like a model, and he was squinting slightly and he just went pass, and Stephanie and I just looked as he went by. Of course chest monster had to come out in play, but I recovered quickly. Then skip to the football game. I changed into the green monster clothes, the bands' green and gold sweat pants, and the regular white shirt, I put up my hair, and I piled on the wicked artistic make up and marched to the stands with the band and took the usual wet seats. Surprisingly Ace and his friends, a boy that I don't know who carries a horn and knows that I like Ace and a girl that sits next to me in math class named Jamie, came, and at first they were seated diagonally behind me and they watched the game. When he first came girls in the colourgard were all like "there's your boo!" which set me off in giggles. Anyways they moved to the front of the stands and they moved another stand away. okay, break from Frankie, I performed in half time, and i didn't drop the flag, however I did toss to early on the first toss and third toss. But I did well on the Ballad, everyone was surprisingly insync. Okay so near the end of the fourth quarter two people from the front row of the colourgaurd left, so I took one of thier seats and I was next to Marissa, a senior and captain of colourgaurd, she's the one that told could tell Ace's friend with the horn that i liked Ace. This made me almost directly horizontal from Ace and his friends,all I had to do was move one seat up and we'd be horizontal. Marissa and I were talking about Ace one time, I don't remeber when and she asked me "did I like his hair a lot?" I said emphatically "Yes! " she asked "Would you like him if he cut it off?" and I was surprised when I heard myself say "Yes." I was even more surprised that I beleived it, I remeber when I was dating Dustin and he asked me would I still date him if he cut his hair off, and I half-shouted "No!" Anyways, we had to do the dance "Lean with it Rock with it" and I lip read and saw Frankie's friend with the horn getsture towards me slightly, and say "that's the girl that like you over ther" and he had to repeat it, I dunno if Ace or Jamie said "what"or something, then I know that Jamie said something along the lines of 'her? Her? That girl right there!?" she had the look that accompanies that statement so, but I couldn't even faintly here her and she probably said that she knew me or something along those lines. Then while I was leaning with it, I was facing his direction and he was looking at me and I was looking directly at him and my face formed this pretty nice smile. Yes , the "Hi, I'm a nice girl smile." No left side of my face spazing out, no kindergarden big smile, no "I really want to eat you all up" smile, none of that! Just the "Hi, I'm a nice girl," smile, I didn't get to see his reaction because I had to rock with it, and after the lean with it rock with it went off there was a song directly after it and I didn't get to look his way. So by the time I sat down he was gone and so was his friend with the horn, only one there was Jamie. That made me feel sad, I was like damn! Am I that unattractive where he ran off? I didn't even get to say hi yet and he ran off? But then thinking about it rationally he usually leaves near the end of the game. Nova was losing anyways. They would have actually won had that touch down actually counted, it was stated that it was a fumble so it didn't count. *sucks teeth* Anyways my chest monster probably is gone now, because there was no crazy reaction on Thursday or Friday when I saw him. Oh! Friday. But Thursday night, I discussed things with Stephanie and she was her great self and calmed me and gave me advice. I felt good on friday, and after 1st hour we rounded the corner of the English building strtegically, and Ace was coming in, flying hair and all, and we were exiting, confident stride and all, so we were just walking and him and some people were walking and when I got close enough I looked at him but he didn't even chance a glance at me, and I had to move across him, like there were people around us, but not between us and we both had to go diagonal across each other like this // the first slant is him, the second one is me, that how it was done, I was looking ahead or at least not at him when that happened, we didn't even brush each other, usually when that diagonal thing happens someone brushes against my arm, or I get hit with a bag on accident or something, but it was like glass or something that just kept us apart and diagonal, it was really intresting and probably the closet I have ever been to him. Then after the diagonal thing and just right before I touched the door I looked back and he was in the door of his class. SO sense it appeared he didn't spare me a glance I was feeling pretty retarded when we left the English Building, and Stephanie was laughing at the situation in general, and she said that she looked at me really late and that I was looking ahead when he was looking at me. Later on that evening she wondered if he was looking when we left the building and sence our back was turned we wouldn't know, but I told her I looked back and that he went in class. So the hallway was a very cliche scene, ha, I looked at him and he wasn't looking and he looked at me, and I wasn't looking. Anyways, next week is spirit week, and Homecoming game is Friday, I can't wait! Then Homecoming! I hope its really nice, and I hope that Ace is there. And I hope he doesn't find me horribly inattractive, and I hope that..............well I hope that I dunno, deep down I probably hope that he likes me or would be willing to want a chance to know me.
Okay, the pensive shit. The chief question is "Why do I like Frankie?" It should be a very easy answer, but it just isn't. It can't be just pure physical attraction as in I just like the way he looks, because the i would have liked him last year. He's always been incredibly attractive to me, but for me and I didn't always like him that way. I mean now I really want him bad! It's not as if he just suddenly became sexy, he's always been, but I didn't want him like this. But what else could it be? I mean, I don't know him. I haven't even heard him speak. I don't know his personalty, what he likes, what makes him happy, or what he wants out of life, so how can I not like him based wholy on looks alone? But I said I'd probably still like him if he cut his hair. And since I like him like this does that mean I'm scared of rejection? Is that why I did the middle school thing and told someone else to tell him for me? Am I not as bold and strong as before where I could do it myself? Am I a coward? Does he see me as a coward for not having the courage to tell him mself? Or am I really listening to advice and doing the patient thing. But I know myself, I can't handle being patient, I want results, if it is to get rejected I usually want to get it over with and so I could get shot down early and get back up again faster. Why wait and have to get back up later? Is this fear doing this to me? All I want is for him to find me remotely attractive, then I can worry about the other things that sums up really liking a person. I dunno, I'm patient which is good, I'm a nice patient coward, the coward part doesn't sound half-bad paired with patients. This is difficult because those are to things that my being rejects, I am neither patient nor a coward, however if this is a means to get him then I'm willing to wait it out in secret silence.
~you're so endearing
you're so beautiful
well, I don't look like they do
and I don't love like they do
but I don't hate like they do
Am I ever on your mind? ~
"Cold(But I'm Still Here)" by Evansblue