(no subject)
June 14th, 2005. That's the day I found out he'd been cheating.
July 25th, 2005. That's the day I found out I was pregnant.
For those six weeks we were in limbo. Lemmy was telling me he still loved me, don't leave, and on the other end he was telling Grace he loved her and I was just a mistake.
When I found out I was pregnant I told him I didn't know what to do or how we were gonna handle this. He said he wanted us to be a couple again, he still wanted us to get married and he was gonna leave Grace alone, but he needed time to let her down easy. Later that day he asked me to keep the pregnancy a secret, then he went to the movies with Grace.
Months went by and I knew something was up, I couldn't trust Lems, but everytime I talked about breaking up he'd pour on the I love you's and told me to stop being silly.
I was getting really bad vibes. Lems was spending a lot of time with Grace, drinking and acting stupid, coming home with hickeys, I figured I still had time, I could just have an abortion and move on with my life, but I had to be sure. Grace and I had talked before and we had been honest with eachother, so I figured I'd ask her straight up if anything was going on, she assured me they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. So, with that, my child's life was spared.
October 25th 2005
We broke up. I made some blog entry and mentioned something about him wanting to take me to bed, I guess Grace jumped all on his shit about it, so then he turned around and told me I was an idiot for ever believing he loved me.
That day he did more than just break my heart, he destroyed me. I'm still not over it, I can't speak about that day, just thinking about it makes me cry a cry I've never fealt before, it's a horrible wretching pain. I don't how to describe it, but everytime I think about that day, when I remember his words, remember his face, a peace of me just curls up and dies.
November 5th 2005
We started sleeping together again. He initiated it and I gave in. Afterwards he said he was sorry and asked me not to tell anyone, so I kept quiet about it. From that day on it was like I was his "at home" woman. We joked, we played, we fought, we ran errands, we had fun, we had sex. That was that. On occasion he'd tell me he loved me, but I knew he was full of shit so I'd never respond. FInally he got the hint, he stopped using the L word with me, but he never would stop calling me 'babe'.
But then he'd go out with her, and do the same kind of things he did with me. I started hearing him call her 'babe' on the phone and the sound made me nauseus.
We had sex almost daily, sometimes she'd call when we were 'busy', I'd try not to think about it. She lied to me, I owed her nothing.
January 12th, 2006, give or take a day
Lemmy finds out Grace cheated on him and I want to bash her head in. I loved him so much, but instead he chooses her. SHe fought so hard for him, then she turns around and cheats on him. He acted so sad, so hurt, and I wanted to stab him, what right did he have to be hurt when he did the same thing to me and was currently doing the same thing to her. Oh well, I kept my mouth shut.
This is when Lemmy started going out and spending days with her. I rarely saw him, and now we are sleeping with eachother about once a week. The longest he ever went without screwing me was two weeks, and then he wouldn't stop talking about how much he'd missed me. What an ass.
This is when I'm at the height of my prego hornyness and I start bitching, in my blogs, about not getting laid.
March 21st 2006
I have the baby. Grace starts breaking up with Lemmy about every other day. Lems gets mad at me when I refer to Grace as his bitch, but he calls her a bitch more often than I do. WHatever, I don't care.
I'm bleeding, we won't be sleeping together, the baby is out of me, I'm ready to find someone new, so I start trying to discourage Lemmy from treating me like his woman, but I'm very unsuccessful. He makes a habit of grabbing my ass, my tits, sticking his hand between my legs, kissing me goodbye. I'll never understand that, why does he kiss me goodbye before he runs off to be with her?
April 24th 2006
I see the doctor, he tells me it's okay for me to have sex again. I let Lemmy know, and we do.
He keeps saying he wants another kid. I keep telling him he's crazy, I'm not getting pregnant again, he says, "that's what you think"
I do't like it, it doesn't feel right, I don't want to do this anymore.
It's okay, I can avoid it cuz we sleep inside now and we don't have the same amount of privacy that we had before.
May 6th, 2006
We have a talk, finally. We talk about all the crap that's been going on, I tell him he doesn't really love Grace cuz if he did he wouldn't be sleeping with me and he wouldn't be getting phone numbers from other girls, he wouldn't be trying to hook up with other chicks, he'd just be with her and be happy. I told him he just liked having her around and he agreed with me.
We talked about how I couldn't trust her around my daughter, and because of that he'd never be able to have a full relationship with her. We talked about how she's never going to be able to forgive his cheating and trust him, mainly because he's still doing it. We talked about lots of stuff, in the end I told him I think he just needs to find a new girlfriend and I think he's just keeping Grace around till he finds something better and he said, "yeah, I think you're right"
I also tell him why I dislike her. She cheated on you Lems, she cheated on you when I loved you. She lied to me Lems, she lied to me when the truth could have saved us all. I'll never be able to forgive her.
He held me tight, said he understood.
We finished our night of drinking, then we went home and screwed.
I ask him if he's serious about wanting another kid. He is.
Now I know I definitely need to get on birth control.
May 8th 2006
Josh is texting me, I ask Lems if he thinks this guy likes me. Lems says,"It was dark and he was drunk, you're not cute, he doesn't know what he's getting into". I cry and Lemmy says he was just playing, but he talks to me like this whenever any guy shows interest in me.
Lems tells me he cares about me, that's why he treats me bad. I dunno what's happening anymore, but I figured I'd finally come clean about what's been going on.
Honesty, honesty. Lems is gonna hate me for writing this, but maybe he'll finally leave me alone and then maybe I'll be able to find someone else. I don't want Lems cuz I don't want a guy I can't trust. I just need a reset and I don't know how to do that, other than to confess.
I hate him, I hate seeing him, I hate being around him because it hurts all the time. I hate the way he treats me, I hate the way he uses me, I hate the life I'm living, time to reset.
Go ahead and hate me Lems, I don't care, I'm tired of keeping your secret, I'm tired of being a part of your lie.
July 25th, 2005. That's the day I found out I was pregnant.
For those six weeks we were in limbo. Lemmy was telling me he still loved me, don't leave, and on the other end he was telling Grace he loved her and I was just a mistake.
When I found out I was pregnant I told him I didn't know what to do or how we were gonna handle this. He said he wanted us to be a couple again, he still wanted us to get married and he was gonna leave Grace alone, but he needed time to let her down easy. Later that day he asked me to keep the pregnancy a secret, then he went to the movies with Grace.
Months went by and I knew something was up, I couldn't trust Lems, but everytime I talked about breaking up he'd pour on the I love you's and told me to stop being silly.
I was getting really bad vibes. Lems was spending a lot of time with Grace, drinking and acting stupid, coming home with hickeys, I figured I still had time, I could just have an abortion and move on with my life, but I had to be sure. Grace and I had talked before and we had been honest with eachother, so I figured I'd ask her straight up if anything was going on, she assured me they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. So, with that, my child's life was spared.
October 25th 2005
We broke up. I made some blog entry and mentioned something about him wanting to take me to bed, I guess Grace jumped all on his shit about it, so then he turned around and told me I was an idiot for ever believing he loved me.
That day he did more than just break my heart, he destroyed me. I'm still not over it, I can't speak about that day, just thinking about it makes me cry a cry I've never fealt before, it's a horrible wretching pain. I don't how to describe it, but everytime I think about that day, when I remember his words, remember his face, a peace of me just curls up and dies.
November 5th 2005
We started sleeping together again. He initiated it and I gave in. Afterwards he said he was sorry and asked me not to tell anyone, so I kept quiet about it. From that day on it was like I was his "at home" woman. We joked, we played, we fought, we ran errands, we had fun, we had sex. That was that. On occasion he'd tell me he loved me, but I knew he was full of shit so I'd never respond. FInally he got the hint, he stopped using the L word with me, but he never would stop calling me 'babe'.
But then he'd go out with her, and do the same kind of things he did with me. I started hearing him call her 'babe' on the phone and the sound made me nauseus.
We had sex almost daily, sometimes she'd call when we were 'busy', I'd try not to think about it. She lied to me, I owed her nothing.
January 12th, 2006, give or take a day
Lemmy finds out Grace cheated on him and I want to bash her head in. I loved him so much, but instead he chooses her. SHe fought so hard for him, then she turns around and cheats on him. He acted so sad, so hurt, and I wanted to stab him, what right did he have to be hurt when he did the same thing to me and was currently doing the same thing to her. Oh well, I kept my mouth shut.
This is when Lemmy started going out and spending days with her. I rarely saw him, and now we are sleeping with eachother about once a week. The longest he ever went without screwing me was two weeks, and then he wouldn't stop talking about how much he'd missed me. What an ass.
This is when I'm at the height of my prego hornyness and I start bitching, in my blogs, about not getting laid.
March 21st 2006
I have the baby. Grace starts breaking up with Lemmy about every other day. Lems gets mad at me when I refer to Grace as his bitch, but he calls her a bitch more often than I do. WHatever, I don't care.
I'm bleeding, we won't be sleeping together, the baby is out of me, I'm ready to find someone new, so I start trying to discourage Lemmy from treating me like his woman, but I'm very unsuccessful. He makes a habit of grabbing my ass, my tits, sticking his hand between my legs, kissing me goodbye. I'll never understand that, why does he kiss me goodbye before he runs off to be with her?
April 24th 2006
I see the doctor, he tells me it's okay for me to have sex again. I let Lemmy know, and we do.
He keeps saying he wants another kid. I keep telling him he's crazy, I'm not getting pregnant again, he says, "that's what you think"
I do't like it, it doesn't feel right, I don't want to do this anymore.
It's okay, I can avoid it cuz we sleep inside now and we don't have the same amount of privacy that we had before.
May 6th, 2006
We have a talk, finally. We talk about all the crap that's been going on, I tell him he doesn't really love Grace cuz if he did he wouldn't be sleeping with me and he wouldn't be getting phone numbers from other girls, he wouldn't be trying to hook up with other chicks, he'd just be with her and be happy. I told him he just liked having her around and he agreed with me.
We talked about how I couldn't trust her around my daughter, and because of that he'd never be able to have a full relationship with her. We talked about how she's never going to be able to forgive his cheating and trust him, mainly because he's still doing it. We talked about lots of stuff, in the end I told him I think he just needs to find a new girlfriend and I think he's just keeping Grace around till he finds something better and he said, "yeah, I think you're right"
I also tell him why I dislike her. She cheated on you Lems, she cheated on you when I loved you. She lied to me Lems, she lied to me when the truth could have saved us all. I'll never be able to forgive her.
He held me tight, said he understood.
We finished our night of drinking, then we went home and screwed.
I ask him if he's serious about wanting another kid. He is.
Now I know I definitely need to get on birth control.
May 8th 2006
Josh is texting me, I ask Lems if he thinks this guy likes me. Lems says,"It was dark and he was drunk, you're not cute, he doesn't know what he's getting into". I cry and Lemmy says he was just playing, but he talks to me like this whenever any guy shows interest in me.
Lems tells me he cares about me, that's why he treats me bad. I dunno what's happening anymore, but I figured I'd finally come clean about what's been going on.
Honesty, honesty. Lems is gonna hate me for writing this, but maybe he'll finally leave me alone and then maybe I'll be able to find someone else. I don't want Lems cuz I don't want a guy I can't trust. I just need a reset and I don't know how to do that, other than to confess.
I hate him, I hate seeing him, I hate being around him because it hurts all the time. I hate the way he treats me, I hate the way he uses me, I hate the life I'm living, time to reset.
Go ahead and hate me Lems, I don't care, I'm tired of keeping your secret, I'm tired of being a part of your lie.