Please make it end.................
If anyone can answer this for me, please do so. Email me if you have to, or send a PM or whatever because I would really really like to know so I can stop banging my head against a brick wall. I want to know why - WHY WHY WHY - seem to be eternally stuck in HELL day after day after day? I want to know what I did so heinously wrong in a previous life (or lives) to warrant that I have to endure this? Please tell me why, despite all my best efforts and attempts and all that other stuff, I end up in a pile of SHIT. Why? Why do people - especially those of the male gender - think it is totally fine and justifiable to lie to me over and over again - with a straight face - like I am somehow not entitled to the truth, or a straight answer? That they would rather lie to my face, tell me that I'm imagining things (when I know - and find later on - that I'm NOT) ... Is it because I'm fat, I'm not entitled to the truth, to kindness, to RESPECT? Why is it that what I get is far less in quality than what I give? And why, when I ask for respect, all I get is lip service and being talked around in circles? I hate myself enough - I don't need help from liars to make me feel worse, to feel less worthy, less loveable, less respectable, less deserving. I'm suppose to use your faith to carry me when I don't have faith? And your faith is where??? Somewhere else - or someONE else. So please tell me how *your* faith is suppose to help ME??
There are many days that I wish I was dead. Thanks for adding another day to that growing list. Thanks for making me wish I was somewhere else - someone else... anything but who and where and what I am right now. Thanks for reminding me how much I don't make you happy...how much I don't satisfy you... how much I don't arouse you... how much I don't do a million things that those who are suppose to be in love are suppose to do to and for each other. Thanks for taking me for granted - and reminding me that I'm not worthy of anything more than just expecting to be taken for granted, because I really honestly don't deserve more than that. Thanks for the double talk. Thanks for making me realize that no matter what you say to me, I'm not really sure if you mean it, or if I can trust it. Thanks for making me doubt every moment of the day if you are being unfaithful to me - in any manner!! - and knowing I can't really do much or say much to stop it or change it. Thanks for the honor of paying your bills, taking care of your debts, giving you a car to drive, and giving you the kind of sex (blow jobs??) you want and desire for.... what?? Oh yea... being cheated on, lied to, and ... barely touched during the 'intimate moments'. Yet you tell me I'm not a whore. Oh yea, I'm not. Whores get paid. I don't.
Thanks for reminding me of exactly who and what I am to you, and how much you really do *love* me... Maybe I'll just start returning the favor, you know?
There are many days that I wish I was dead. Thanks for adding another day to that growing list. Thanks for making me wish I was somewhere else - someone else... anything but who and where and what I am right now. Thanks for reminding me how much I don't make you happy...how much I don't satisfy you... how much I don't arouse you... how much I don't do a million things that those who are suppose to be in love are suppose to do to and for each other. Thanks for taking me for granted - and reminding me that I'm not worthy of anything more than just expecting to be taken for granted, because I really honestly don't deserve more than that. Thanks for the double talk. Thanks for making me realize that no matter what you say to me, I'm not really sure if you mean it, or if I can trust it. Thanks for making me doubt every moment of the day if you are being unfaithful to me - in any manner!! - and knowing I can't really do much or say much to stop it or change it. Thanks for the honor of paying your bills, taking care of your debts, giving you a car to drive, and giving you the kind of sex (blow jobs??) you want and desire for.... what?? Oh yea... being cheated on, lied to, and ... barely touched during the 'intimate moments'. Yet you tell me I'm not a whore. Oh yea, I'm not. Whores get paid. I don't.
Thanks for reminding me of exactly who and what I am to you, and how much you really do *love* me... Maybe I'll just start returning the favor, you know?