Bringing Home Baby
Baby day has arrived!
On Sunday, March 14 at 7:30 p.m. my husband and I went in to the hospital to start the induction process. By 8:00 p.m. I was in a hospital bed with a good dose of Cervidil and a few light contractions.
At 10:00 p.m. the contractions started getting heavier and by 1:00 a.m. Monday morning, I finally had to ask for one of the low dose narcotics to help with the discomfort so I could sleep.
By 8:00 a.m. Monday they started Pitocin as I had only dilated an inch overnight, but had changed from 20% effacement to 70%.
They started the Pitocin at 2 ml/hour, and slowly moved it up. By the time they got to 6 ml, I could finally feel the contractions, which were slightly painful but overall pretty manageable.
When they moved me up to 8 ml, the baby's heart rate started to climb, so they had to move me back down to 4 ml again, so the contractions pretty much stopped.
THEN, once her heart rate dropped again, they increased it up to 6 ml. By 4:00 p.m., the contractions had finally started up at a decent pace and I started to employ some of the Lamaze tricks we had learned.
Those contractions lasted about an hour or so when the doctor finally checked me again at about 2:00 p.m. I was STILL only at 2 centimeters.
I dealt with the contractions for another hour before finally deciding that it was time to break my water.
They broke my water at 3:00 or 4:00, I think (my memory starts getting REALLY fuzzy about now)...
I didn't last more than 15 minutes before asking for the epidural... Totally caved.
Turns out, it was probably good that I did though.
By 9:00 p.m. on Monday night (26 hours after we started the process), I had only dilated to 4 FREAKING centimeters with 70% effacement and she hadn't even dropped at ALL.
I was pretty devastated. The doc recommended a C-Section (which was my number one fear, followed closely by the epidural and pitocin, ironically), and I finally came to terms with reality and agreed.
After an emotional breakdown, to which my family had to bear witness, I went into surgery with a heavy dose of medications to try to keep me calm.
Finally, at 9:37 p.m. on Monday, March 15, we had a little baby girl!
And then I had another meltdown on the operating table as they pumped me full of other drugs. Thankfully my husband was there to help me or I would have lost it completely.
...
Now, four days later we are finally home and as I look at the pictures my brother took of my baby's first bath, and the first time she opened her eyes, and as she gripped my mom's finger, I feel completely jaded.
I feel like I'm having a hard time really bonding with her, and I'm wondering how much of that is from not being able to hold her or be with her right away. Instead of the moment of her birth being exciting and happy, for me it was frightening and hazy.
I barely even remember the nurses showing her to me before they whisked her away. And, I definitely don't remember going back to the room or even feeding her for the first time. I do remember crying about the fact that I couldn't move my arms at all and so couldn't hold her to feed her. I think the nurses and possibly my mother pretty much did all the work while I took a stroll in Loopyville.
I think a lot of what I'm feeling is the "baby blues" from hormone changes, so I'm hoping that goes away once I don't feel like I've been hit by a bus and can function on my own again.
Despite all that, when I look at her little angel face I do smile. I may not FEEL like she's mine yet, but I do recognize that she's the cutest thing ever!
On Sunday, March 14 at 7:30 p.m. my husband and I went in to the hospital to start the induction process. By 8:00 p.m. I was in a hospital bed with a good dose of Cervidil and a few light contractions.
At 10:00 p.m. the contractions started getting heavier and by 1:00 a.m. Monday morning, I finally had to ask for one of the low dose narcotics to help with the discomfort so I could sleep.
By 8:00 a.m. Monday they started Pitocin as I had only dilated an inch overnight, but had changed from 20% effacement to 70%.
They started the Pitocin at 2 ml/hour, and slowly moved it up. By the time they got to 6 ml, I could finally feel the contractions, which were slightly painful but overall pretty manageable.
When they moved me up to 8 ml, the baby's heart rate started to climb, so they had to move me back down to 4 ml again, so the contractions pretty much stopped.
THEN, once her heart rate dropped again, they increased it up to 6 ml. By 4:00 p.m., the contractions had finally started up at a decent pace and I started to employ some of the Lamaze tricks we had learned.
Those contractions lasted about an hour or so when the doctor finally checked me again at about 2:00 p.m. I was STILL only at 2 centimeters.
I dealt with the contractions for another hour before finally deciding that it was time to break my water.
They broke my water at 3:00 or 4:00, I think (my memory starts getting REALLY fuzzy about now)...
I didn't last more than 15 minutes before asking for the epidural... Totally caved.
Turns out, it was probably good that I did though.
By 9:00 p.m. on Monday night (26 hours after we started the process), I had only dilated to 4 FREAKING centimeters with 70% effacement and she hadn't even dropped at ALL.
I was pretty devastated. The doc recommended a C-Section (which was my number one fear, followed closely by the epidural and pitocin, ironically), and I finally came to terms with reality and agreed.
After an emotional breakdown, to which my family had to bear witness, I went into surgery with a heavy dose of medications to try to keep me calm.
Finally, at 9:37 p.m. on Monday, March 15, we had a little baby girl!
And then I had another meltdown on the operating table as they pumped me full of other drugs. Thankfully my husband was there to help me or I would have lost it completely.
...
Now, four days later we are finally home and as I look at the pictures my brother took of my baby's first bath, and the first time she opened her eyes, and as she gripped my mom's finger, I feel completely jaded.
I feel like I'm having a hard time really bonding with her, and I'm wondering how much of that is from not being able to hold her or be with her right away. Instead of the moment of her birth being exciting and happy, for me it was frightening and hazy.
I barely even remember the nurses showing her to me before they whisked her away. And, I definitely don't remember going back to the room or even feeding her for the first time. I do remember crying about the fact that I couldn't move my arms at all and so couldn't hold her to feed her. I think the nurses and possibly my mother pretty much did all the work while I took a stroll in Loopyville.
I think a lot of what I'm feeling is the "baby blues" from hormone changes, so I'm hoping that goes away once I don't feel like I've been hit by a bus and can function on my own again.
Despite all that, when I look at her little angel face I do smile. I may not FEEL like she's mine yet, but I do recognize that she's the cutest thing ever!