If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders.
It bothers me how incredibly reliant I am on Angela these days. I don't know if I've overstepped my boundaries as friend/roommate or what but I just can't wait until next semester so I can make some new friends. When she's busy, I do nothing. It's terrible. I feel like I've replaced Tom with her. It would be different if I knew she considered herself my best friend as well but as always with me, I'm not sure if the feeling is mutual. I care for her more than she could probably ever imagine, but then again, I'm sure that does have something to do with me needing to replace Tom. I need a place to outlet my love, if that makes sense. I would do anything for her.
I'm not going to lie, I finally jumped on the Twilight bandwagon. Tom and I went to see the movie a while back, I suppose right around finals and I've kind of been obsessed ever since. The movie was terrible but something is so very intriguing about the story. Society always has been obsessed with vampires. The books are also not that great, it doesn't live up to all the hype that's for sure. But there's always something very great about a love story--it's always so entrancing, even if they are young, stupid, and far too over their heads. Well, her, not him, considering his 'real' age. It's an easy read, much better than textbooks and lectures so I'm enjoying it. All summer I stared at them on the shelves at Barnes and Noble and thought "nahh...the hysteria will die down and I'll be happy I didn't get into it" but now...here I am...on the third book after a week and a half.
Mom and I are going to Cabo Saturday. I'm pretty nervous about flying into Mexico and about our hotel and such. It should be fun I suppose I just wish I was skinnier. Then again, at my skinniest I wanted to be skinnier so it's just a neverending battle. Saturday Mom and I ran a 5k in Austin and I was getting so tired of her. She never finishes her sentences...it's like she's talking out loud to herself and she just jumps from one thought to the next and it's so terribly aggravating. She shouldn't talk out loud if she's not talking to me. So hopefully none of that happens on our trip. It's just me and her for four days. She was never like that before...it's not her. It's them.
I so often wish that I had talent. I suppose I should have stuck with playing the sax. It saddens me when I see music and I don't remember or understand some of the things written. I just so badly wish that I could dance ballet, play the piano, or take photographs. I guess I just miss that creative outflow that music gave me. My intentions over the Christmas break were actually to paint but I'm debating now whether I should just save my money. I wouldn't want to ruin it and get frustrated. I might just stick to reading.
Speaking of the break, today is my third day living on my own in the apartment. It's nice, but I could never do it for extended periods of time--ha, even though that's what I'll be doing. I'm too succeptible to fall into this rut of coming home and not leaving until school the next morning. I just get so comfortable being on my own, granted I'm very sad when I'm alone. I do nothing for hours...I've successfully wasted 4 hours so far and I've done nothing. I haven't spoken since I left work at 5, 5 hours ago. I think a lot, which gets me into trouble. I have yet to get scared, though I know it's coming sooner or later. When I got home today the door was unlocked because they came in to do check that we still had all our furniture. How unconsiderate. What if no one was going to be here the entire break and they had just left our door unlocked? Thank god I am here. Who knows what would have been stolen. I kind of want to complain about that.
I'm taking speech as a minimester at Blinn right now. Today we had to write a speech about a person we'd like to give advice to. I didn't take it as light-heartedly as every one else did, apparently. They all talked about Michael Jackson and stopping him from touching little boys and politics and such, which I suppose isn't all sunshine and roses but still...I talked about drunk drivers and the accident my family was in forever ago. I nearly started hyperventilating when I went up there to talk, which is unusual because it wasn't a very personal topic or anything and it's not like I really remember anything about it, so I don't understand why it affected me so strongly. The only thing I can really think of is that just talking about something that happened to me in my past in general bothers me. I remember a time in 8th grade in Mrs. French's English class when I talked about my parents divorce. It had been 4 years so I should have been over it but the second I started talking about it, tears welled up in my eyes. I don't understand. Maybe it's the thought of 20 other people actually listening to me and only me for once that gets to me.
On that same note, the class seems to be pretty reliant on group work, which bothers me. I still have this stupid hoity-toity attitude when it comes to Blinn students, like I'm SO superior. I'm glad that they're proving me wrong by being excellent writers (some of them). Anyway, about the group work thing. I just so greatly hate having to rely on others when it comes to work. I would much rather get it done quickly and maybe not perfectly, but to a point where it's acceptable. I don't know why, but I just don't have time to take the time to make things great. Which is probably why my grades are always so mediocre.
And now, speaking of grades. Since the beginning I haven't really cared about my grades. I make b's. I made b's in high school so I expected to make b's in college. Why would I do better in college than in high school? So I put little to no effort in my classes. I ended up with a 2.75 this past semester. I don't really mind. I don't know if I intend to go to grad school or anything at this point. No big deal. Until today. I decided I really want to do something extraordinary after I graduate. I want to throw myself into a situation that I'm not comfortable with, far from home, as soon as I graduate. Teach for America seems to be the perfect opportunity for that. I was doing some research today about that and the average GPA of the students they accept is a 3.5. It figures.
And after such depressing thoughts...some things that make me happy about today:
1. Tomorrow's Friday...and getting paid for the 2nd time this week
2. Forever21
3. Good piano music soothes the soul
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson