Creative Writing Class
For those of you not in the know, I'm in a Creative Writing class for school.
Weeks ago the professor gave us an assignment. We would randomly pick two things: a character and an ending. Then we would have to write a story about the character and how we would come to the ending. Out of the pile, this is what I was assigned...
Character: A WINDOW WASHER
Ending: BUYS A "HOW TO SPEAK FRENCH" BOOK
Ridiculousness can only be met with more ridiculousness.
And I present to you, the result:
Juan the Window Washer
By Robert Paasch
Juan works at the Hilton Embassy Suites, one of the most exquisite hotels in all of New Jersey. He has been washing their windows for close to twelve years now. Every day is routine: clock in at 12pm, climb into the scaffolding, wash one side of the building on Monday, wash the next side on Tuesday, wash the next side after on Wednesday, and wash the final side on Friday. (Thursday is a holy day, Juan doesn’t work Thursdays.) By following this routine, he ensures that the entire building stays pristine for as long as he keeps doing that thing he does… which is wash windows. However, today would be different. He decided, “What the hell, today I’m going to clock in at 1pm, what could possibly go wrong?” and clocked in at 1pm he did.
While ascending on the scaffolding to the top floor, Juan noticed some goings-on in one of the rooms he passed. He stopped the scaffolding outside of the window to see what was going on. He peered in to see a man, naked save for a black beret and covered in blood standing over a naked woman. The man was holding a knife. The man was very naked. The man was very French.
“Excusez-moi, si vous plais,” said the bloody Frenchman.
“Murderer!” shouted Juan, as he charged through the glass window and at the bloody naked Frenchman.
Juan always dreamed about being a hero. Wielding his squeegee like a knife, he leaped towards the assailant and sliced at his face.
“Ayiii,” screamed the Frenchman as he fell onto the floor.
Juan knelt down to check on the woman.
“Baguette! Escargot!” exclaimed the French woman.
A sudden bitchslap from the Frenchman, and both Juan and the woman were flung to the floor. The woman was knocked unconscious as Juan quickly rose again to defend himself.
Juan took another swing at his French attacker this time, taking his head off.
As the French assailant’s headless body crumbled to the floor, Juan leaned over to check on the woman. “Wake up, senorita,” said Juan. Before Juan could attempt to awaken the woman again, he was bitchslapped once more.
“You fool!” said the head of the headless Frenchman. “It will take more than that to stop a vampire!” The vampire Frenchman reattached his head to his neck and brandished his fangs at Juan. “Have at you!”
Thinking quickly, Juan climbed back into the scaffolding and grabbed his bucket. Placing his hand in the water, he quickly mumbled a short prayer en Espanol and took the bucket back inside the room.
“You American scum,” quipped the vampire Frenchman, “Do you think dirty water can stop me? Ridicule! Do your worst.”
With a grin Juan threw the water at the vampire Frenchman, who immediately started to melt at contact.
“How can zees be?” screamed the vampire Frenchman.
“Its holy water,” said Juan, “I moonlight as a priest, holmes.”
The vampire Frenchman burst into flames and collapsed onto the hotel floor.
Juan once again checked on the French woman, who was about to awaken. The woman’s head jerked back suddenly. She was convulsing, but sparks were flying out of her nose and ears. Standing only two feet from the woman, Juan could feel the heat emanating from her as the flesh melt off her bones. Out of the pile of molten flesh and blood stood a metal frame, in the shape of a skeleton, eyes glowing red.
“10010011101001,” said the twisted metal pile as it lurched towards Juan.
Juan was slowly being forced back into the scaffolding by the robotic menace.
“0010110110101, Gay Pareé!” said the French fembot as it backed Juan into the scaffolding, almost teetering on the edge.
With no holy water left to throw at the robot, Juan had only his mop to defend himself with. He picked it up as the fembot fired her eye-mounted laser beams of French doom. Juan held up his mop to deflect the blast, and the beam hit the dry swab part of the mop, igniting it.
Juan took a swing at the fembot with his makeshift torch and the robot backed off.
Another swing and the fembot backed off once more. Now they were both in the room again. The fembot was preparing another salvo from fired her eye-mounted laser beams of French doom. Before she could fire her second shot, Juan lifted the torch up just high enough to catch the fire alarm, activating the sprinkler system. The fembot was covered in water, which short-circuited her systems, causing her to convulse and spaz out as sparks shot across the room. A moment later and the fembot collapsed defeated.
And that’s when a zombie pirate burst through the closet door.
“Arr!” said the pirate as he pulled out his chainsaw and charged at Juan.
Juan quickly sidestepped the assault and the zombie pirate fell out the window, and onto the scaffolding. The zombie pirate smiled with another “arr!” as he brandished a pistol.
Before the zombie pirate took the shot, Juan heard an aircraft approaching. A Blackhawk helicopter swerved around the hotel and hovered just outside the broken window with the zombie pirate on the scaffolding. In the helicopter was former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno. Still in the helicopter, Janet Reno grabbed the zombie pirate by the scuff of his neck and carried it into the Blackhawk. Janet took a few punches at the undead buccaneer, turned to Juan with a wink. “I’ll take care of this,” she said as the Blackhawk helicopter flew off into the horizon.
“Gracias, former U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno,” said Juan.
Suddenly, from behind, the smoldering vampire Frenchman arose once more. “You have not ‘eard of the last of me, Yankee!” said the Frenchman. “I will return to your pathetic time and kill you and zen I will become ruler of all ze Timestream. I speet on you, p’tui!” And with that, the vampire Frenchman activated the time jumper on his invisible wristwatch which opened up a portal to 32nd Century RoboFrance. With a leap into the swirling temporal vortex, the time-traveling vampire Frenchman was gone.
Juan discarded his bloody window washer’s uniform, clocked out for the day and went home.
On the way home, Juan passed by a book shop. Briefly stopping in, he asked the clerk for a copy of a “How to speak French” language book. The clerk handed him a copy of En François for Dummies and asked him why he needed it.
“If I’m going to fight French robot vampires from the future, I might as well learn the fucking language, holmes.”