(no subject)
Well, nobody reads this so I can type whatever I want.
I'm sad. Then happy. Then sad. It goes back and forth.
About 4 months ago I ended up in a relationship with the one person in my life I always wanted to be with. It was odd when we started dating, almost surreal. It wasn't scary, it seemed to make sense. Things were mostly good from my perspective. That's not true. Things were great from my perspective. Sure, there were problems like any relationship will have, but nothing I ever thought couldn't be fixed through honesty and dialogue. Then one day a month ago things hit a snag. We had a fight, an argument, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say to fix things and I thought we were going to break up. I avoided talking to her to postpone something bad happening. I didn't want to break up as I loved this woman. Well, as I stayed inside twidling my thumbs and being immature she moved on. She started dating someone else and i took that as my fault for not contacting her. Then I've spent a month feeling used, feeling replaced, feeling like just another person on her road of life that was experienced and passed by.
The thing is, this blame I'm putting on myself, these feelings of jealousy, inadequacy that I have been living in is all bullshit. The reason it's bullshit is I loved this woman and I would have done anything for her. She did not feel the same way about me. I know this because I would have had patience if she needed time. I would have given it to her. She did not feel the same feelings for me that I felt for her. What I felt was something very, very real. I wanted her to be a part of my life in every possible sense and a part of my family. I saw a future with her and it didn't scare me. Well, it did, for a short time, but I realized that I wanted that future after spending time thinking about it. And for being such a young relationship, I don't think it was asking too much to allow me space to think about that. Maybe she doesn't want to think about that sort of a future right now, or maybe she doesn't think I can be the man that can provide the future she wants. If it's the latter, she's wrong. Any woman would be lucky to receive the love I have to give and everything else I have to offer. These past few weeks I haven't been myself and I've sent some overreaching texts, emails, and voicemails that were overbearing and oft putting. I'm embarrassed by some of it but ultimately I didn't say anything that wasn't true. What it comes down to is simple, I love her and I'm a good man worthy of a great woman. There's nothing embarrassing about saying that.
I'm stuck in a situation where she's moved on and I can't stop thinking about what could have been, or more accurately in MY mind, what SHOULD have been. Ultimately, I can't help but think we both want different things at this point in our lives. And that's what makes me sad. I'm ready to finally find someone and settle down and be happy. I'm not interested in bars or booze or fucking cigarettes anymore. I just want someone to make dinner, talk about my day with, go to my nephew's tee ball game with, watch Casablanca at midnight, and fall asleep at 2:00. Yeah, that might sound lame, but there's gotta be someone awesome out there that thinks it sounds nice.
I'm sad. Then happy. Then sad. It goes back and forth.
About 4 months ago I ended up in a relationship with the one person in my life I always wanted to be with. It was odd when we started dating, almost surreal. It wasn't scary, it seemed to make sense. Things were mostly good from my perspective. That's not true. Things were great from my perspective. Sure, there were problems like any relationship will have, but nothing I ever thought couldn't be fixed through honesty and dialogue. Then one day a month ago things hit a snag. We had a fight, an argument, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say to fix things and I thought we were going to break up. I avoided talking to her to postpone something bad happening. I didn't want to break up as I loved this woman. Well, as I stayed inside twidling my thumbs and being immature she moved on. She started dating someone else and i took that as my fault for not contacting her. Then I've spent a month feeling used, feeling replaced, feeling like just another person on her road of life that was experienced and passed by.
The thing is, this blame I'm putting on myself, these feelings of jealousy, inadequacy that I have been living in is all bullshit. The reason it's bullshit is I loved this woman and I would have done anything for her. She did not feel the same way about me. I know this because I would have had patience if she needed time. I would have given it to her. She did not feel the same feelings for me that I felt for her. What I felt was something very, very real. I wanted her to be a part of my life in every possible sense and a part of my family. I saw a future with her and it didn't scare me. Well, it did, for a short time, but I realized that I wanted that future after spending time thinking about it. And for being such a young relationship, I don't think it was asking too much to allow me space to think about that. Maybe she doesn't want to think about that sort of a future right now, or maybe she doesn't think I can be the man that can provide the future she wants. If it's the latter, she's wrong. Any woman would be lucky to receive the love I have to give and everything else I have to offer. These past few weeks I haven't been myself and I've sent some overreaching texts, emails, and voicemails that were overbearing and oft putting. I'm embarrassed by some of it but ultimately I didn't say anything that wasn't true. What it comes down to is simple, I love her and I'm a good man worthy of a great woman. There's nothing embarrassing about saying that.
I'm stuck in a situation where she's moved on and I can't stop thinking about what could have been, or more accurately in MY mind, what SHOULD have been. Ultimately, I can't help but think we both want different things at this point in our lives. And that's what makes me sad. I'm ready to finally find someone and settle down and be happy. I'm not interested in bars or booze or fucking cigarettes anymore. I just want someone to make dinner, talk about my day with, go to my nephew's tee ball game with, watch Casablanca at midnight, and fall asleep at 2:00. Yeah, that might sound lame, but there's gotta be someone awesome out there that thinks it sounds nice.