sap of the fleeting kind
I don't know what it is with me lately...I'm happy but I've been feeling down on myself like a tool. I guess having a hard time finding a job and the fact that the only interest I get from guys is from those who are not interesting at all or just plain skeevy is starting to get to me. Not that it's a major focus or a big issue for me but sometimes I look at what I attract as a reflection of who I am, yet I know it's not so. I'm sick of dirtbags, and 'settling'. I'm usually content on my own and mostly prefer it to complications and stuff, but I totally like someone that's not a dirtbag fool. It's not mutual and I'm okay with that, except my feelings don't often get involved, so when they do it's not so easy to just dismiss them like nothing or just settle for any dirtbag that wants to fuck around. Okay so maybe that being okay with it part is a lie. In the past all I've learned from "relationships" is that it's no fun being treated like a toy and thrown aside when a new better toy comes along, just because I decided "why not" or someone encouraged me to "give him a shot". I don't need to learn that over again.
What is nice though is what these feelings have conjured up for my sleeping subconscious. Last night, in a dream, I got to see my dad. I got to give him a big hug and tell him I miss him, and it seemed SO real. It ruled. The only dude to ever say "you're beautiful" and really mean it without bad intentions or confusing me with something I'm not. The only dude to call me 'sweetie' because he genuinely thought I was sweet and worth something. I fucking miss him...
Aaaaanyway,
Craziness. Time driiiips by, yet it flies so fast...
So then, August... we'll soon meet again.
Lots of good shit occurs in August. Birthdays, good weather, people flying in from fucking other countries to visit, getting wasted with good friends and good beer, and as a kid it was always the month to go camping. Yeah it's my favorite month. At the same time it's also kind of a somber time. Amidst all the good times, visits, events and mass wastedness there are a couple not so happy things that dwell in August.
In Brazil, there's an old folk saying that goes with August; "Agosto, o mes do desgosto" It means "August, the month of misfortune". I don't know why though.. never bothered to read any further about that. Meh.
The biggest misfortune August has hit me with is dad passing away August 17th of last year. I can't believe it's been a year already. The day he died it felt like I'd already been missing him forever. I remember thinking "I didn't know anything could hurt this much". Someone I had realized the worth of not that long ago was ripped away and I wished I had done and said more. I wished there wasn't that gap of time between us years ago. Now that a year has passed it feels like I was just with him anytime I think of him and I feel like everything that was between us was meant to be what it was. No more regrets or longing for impossible wishes. It's not that I'm no longer hurt by the loss of having him around to talk with, laugh with, and bullshit around with, but time does heal.. a little. Like I said, I fucking miss him like crazy and love him the same.. but I have come to terms with losing him.
So with that being the most brutal thing August has thrown at me over the years it's still my favorite month, and I haven't yet been defeated by it.
Now August comes again soon, and I don't know yet what it's going to bring...other than another round of pendulum action in 2006. There's one thing I know August is spewing this time for sure, it isn't really a misfortune though. It becomes another departure and new beginning. Someone I've grown close with is leaving to embark on a crazy journey. Wether he knows it or not he's made quite the impact on me. I guess he does, but maybe I've made it out to be more than it is. Who knows. It doesn't matter, really. Along with myself I know some damn good people are going to miss him greatly. 'Dude, we have canned beans and brutal metal here too! hahaha. j/k' Really though, this is going to change a lot around here. Not a defeat, no.. but as much as I am right there being happy for him I'm equally not wanting him to go... I'll miss that wonderful asshole..I kind of already do. I hope nothing but good things for him though, this is clearly what he wants to experience, and he deserves that shit. And what a mighty fine excuse for a road trip! As well as offering Shawn a prime oppurtunity to put his talent to use and get the fuck out and rip shit up with good friends.
But August could also be looking up, and possibly bring me something I really want; a job in animal health. It's actually something I've wanted to do as a kid..then I lost sight of it, and education seemed pointless because I really didn't care about anything. Well, now I'm back on track with it I suppose, and really really want to do this.. just to a lesser degree of involvment. Instead of Veterinarian, if all works out I'll proudly call myself a Veterinary assistant! *fingers crossed* .. if this falls through I don't know what I'm going to do. This seems like something that's being thrown into my lap though.. like "hey Sherrie..don't worry about it.. something goods'acomin your way".. heh..I hope so.
Fucking August.
Well, what's the point of this? I guess I just needed to ramble and there never really was a point. and now I'm done with it. but as long as there's still uncorrupted honest wasted good times, good friends with good beer, events, and fuckers visiting from far and away places there is no defeat.
What is nice though is what these feelings have conjured up for my sleeping subconscious. Last night, in a dream, I got to see my dad. I got to give him a big hug and tell him I miss him, and it seemed SO real. It ruled. The only dude to ever say "you're beautiful" and really mean it without bad intentions or confusing me with something I'm not. The only dude to call me 'sweetie' because he genuinely thought I was sweet and worth something. I fucking miss him...
Aaaaanyway,
Craziness. Time driiiips by, yet it flies so fast...
So then, August... we'll soon meet again.
Lots of good shit occurs in August. Birthdays, good weather, people flying in from fucking other countries to visit, getting wasted with good friends and good beer, and as a kid it was always the month to go camping. Yeah it's my favorite month. At the same time it's also kind of a somber time. Amidst all the good times, visits, events and mass wastedness there are a couple not so happy things that dwell in August.
In Brazil, there's an old folk saying that goes with August; "Agosto, o mes do desgosto" It means "August, the month of misfortune". I don't know why though.. never bothered to read any further about that. Meh.
The biggest misfortune August has hit me with is dad passing away August 17th of last year. I can't believe it's been a year already. The day he died it felt like I'd already been missing him forever. I remember thinking "I didn't know anything could hurt this much". Someone I had realized the worth of not that long ago was ripped away and I wished I had done and said more. I wished there wasn't that gap of time between us years ago. Now that a year has passed it feels like I was just with him anytime I think of him and I feel like everything that was between us was meant to be what it was. No more regrets or longing for impossible wishes. It's not that I'm no longer hurt by the loss of having him around to talk with, laugh with, and bullshit around with, but time does heal.. a little. Like I said, I fucking miss him like crazy and love him the same.. but I have come to terms with losing him.
So with that being the most brutal thing August has thrown at me over the years it's still my favorite month, and I haven't yet been defeated by it.
Now August comes again soon, and I don't know yet what it's going to bring...other than another round of pendulum action in 2006. There's one thing I know August is spewing this time for sure, it isn't really a misfortune though. It becomes another departure and new beginning. Someone I've grown close with is leaving to embark on a crazy journey. Wether he knows it or not he's made quite the impact on me. I guess he does, but maybe I've made it out to be more than it is. Who knows. It doesn't matter, really. Along with myself I know some damn good people are going to miss him greatly. 'Dude, we have canned beans and brutal metal here too! hahaha. j/k' Really though, this is going to change a lot around here. Not a defeat, no.. but as much as I am right there being happy for him I'm equally not wanting him to go... I'll miss that wonderful asshole..I kind of already do. I hope nothing but good things for him though, this is clearly what he wants to experience, and he deserves that shit. And what a mighty fine excuse for a road trip! As well as offering Shawn a prime oppurtunity to put his talent to use and get the fuck out and rip shit up with good friends.
But August could also be looking up, and possibly bring me something I really want; a job in animal health. It's actually something I've wanted to do as a kid..then I lost sight of it, and education seemed pointless because I really didn't care about anything. Well, now I'm back on track with it I suppose, and really really want to do this.. just to a lesser degree of involvment. Instead of Veterinarian, if all works out I'll proudly call myself a Veterinary assistant! *fingers crossed* .. if this falls through I don't know what I'm going to do. This seems like something that's being thrown into my lap though.. like "hey Sherrie..don't worry about it.. something goods'acomin your way".. heh..I hope so.
Fucking August.
Well, what's the point of this? I guess I just needed to ramble and there never really was a point. and now I'm done with it. but as long as there's still uncorrupted honest wasted good times, good friends with good beer, events, and fuckers visiting from far and away places there is no defeat.