honesty is such a lonely word
i can't find a place to start anything right now. i am not in any space or place rightly not realizing my surroundings or caring to at all much. i'm living fully inside my head based purely on the choices good or bad that i have made have made being previously choices are passive in that sense. and maybe it is true that i continually choose how to respond to things so nothing is a choice that has been made but one that is constantly being produced, yet it is being produced within myself and that comes right back to me being no place or space right now.
I can feel myself pulling away from everything, wanting to isolate myself, because i have never fully trusted myself to make the right decision. i've been told that there are no right decisions, we make the best of everything and you can never really go back and say "i should have done this rather than that". but i've been hurt dissapointed and left wanting before, with every path my life has taken and it has to mean something about the decisions i make. if i have to constantly revisit them all, constantly fill them all out, flesh out their promises, i will fail. i will wake up in forty years and realized that the worst has happened, that i have become my parents and that somewhere down the road i had settled for what there was and never fully realized it. i want the pictures and the memories and the medals to say it all, accomplishments to tick off my list and be done with yet constantly make who I am. i don't want to have to keep doing it all, i don't have the energy to keep it all up.
I can feel myself pulling away from everything, wanting to isolate myself, because i have never fully trusted myself to make the right decision. i've been told that there are no right decisions, we make the best of everything and you can never really go back and say "i should have done this rather than that". but i've been hurt dissapointed and left wanting before, with every path my life has taken and it has to mean something about the decisions i make. if i have to constantly revisit them all, constantly fill them all out, flesh out their promises, i will fail. i will wake up in forty years and realized that the worst has happened, that i have become my parents and that somewhere down the road i had settled for what there was and never fully realized it. i want the pictures and the memories and the medals to say it all, accomplishments to tick off my list and be done with yet constantly make who I am. i don't want to have to keep doing it all, i don't have the energy to keep it all up.