this weekend was monumental
seriously. saturday night was amazing. seeing everyone jump out of their seats after the last note is an image i will carry with me for the rest of my life. i don't know how I feel about music - if the emotions it impsires are universal, if it should be relegated to formality or contextualized or what not, but i know that that playing that symphony was just.... amazing. it made me feel. i don't know what I don't know why but it was just... amazing. I"m kind of lacking words right now, but term just got over so cut me some slack.
i semi wish I had gone to the poje last night. it would have been nice to have some drunken fun with everyone before they left. as much as I was reclusive this year, i do miss having people around. at least of having the option to be around people I enjoy. luckily i still have george :-)Anyway, i hung out with my mom and my little sister because I know that the three days i'm home this summer will probably not be spent with them. i do miss them. I miss them in the removed context of family that visits each other. I don't miss being confined to the same premises as them for long periods of time. that pressure to be someone they like all the time is just a little overwhelming, suffocating, or oppressive if you will.
i was thinking of the word "nice" today (trust me, this will be a connected thought). everyone knows the people that are just geniunely nice through and through. they are sweet, maybe quiet, and do really nice things for people. almost everyone likes those people. here comes the inevitable but. But how well do we know those people? Nice is a word that people say at funerals: oh she was so nice! He was such a nice man! Nice is not even the vanilla of the ben and jerry's world, it's the frozen condensation forming around the outside of the ice cream container. Nice does not inspire action, in fact nice rarely inspires thought. you see a nice person and you think "wow, they are such a nice person" but you justify to yourself why you aren't, why you don't act that way: I'm just not that nice. nice doesn't challenge, nice doesn't criticize, nice doesn't cause anyone to do anything. so what about those people who are just nice through and through? That's fine, the world needs them. as long as it's not an act. as long as it's not what they think people want. as long as it's not what they are in order to be liked. and those people may exist, but i am not and cannot be one of them. I'm not malicious. I don't wish harm on anyone for no good reason. i have just taken enough crap in my life to choke it all back. Two examples today: One, the choir wanted the brass section there early to rehearse. we sat around for 45 minutes and listened to them warm up. I know they had things they needed to do and there was probably some miscommunication, but I was VERY unhappy. THe band always gets overlooked, and yes the choir is amazing and more well known than us, but that doesn't mean that we don't deserve respect (like for sleep,or more important, picking up the uhaul so my mom woudln't have to). rather than holding these negative thoughts in like I might have chosen to, i complained to everyone that would listen. i was about ready to say something during rehearsal but we finally got to play (I know.... close doesn't count but in horseshoes and handgrendes). The points is i wasn't the least bit concerned about playing the nice, docile card. Second example: someone at work today took a table in my section. I ripped him a new one. continually. all night long.
call me a bitch, call me what you will, but how often do you find a strong woman out there that is respected for being a strong woman? I'm gonig to use hillary clinton as my example because I personally admire her. She is a strong woman, she voices her mind and she always has. and look at the backlash. look at how the first lady acts now and you tell me it's not in direct response to Hillary's actions as First lady. it's sickening, and I hate it. what other women do you know, especially in politics, that does not play a passive role?
I don't believe that my family ever expects me to be the stock character "nice". But i feel it's something similar to that. They never have expected me to play the docile female bit. But i see it continually whenever I start to let loose and really say what's on my mom, they get offended, withdraw and give me "the look". It happened at Christmas when I got upset over the amount of money they were spending. It happened this weekend when I started criticizing Christianity. I know enough to withdraw becuase there is no winning in that game. not with my family, not withthe people I am forced to be around for at least a little while every year. Oddly enough, i still enjoy their company. but i'm still left with that question "how well do they know me" and vice versa.
well, my bag of popcorn is almost gone. i will leave well enough alone for now.
i semi wish I had gone to the poje last night. it would have been nice to have some drunken fun with everyone before they left. as much as I was reclusive this year, i do miss having people around. at least of having the option to be around people I enjoy. luckily i still have george :-)Anyway, i hung out with my mom and my little sister because I know that the three days i'm home this summer will probably not be spent with them. i do miss them. I miss them in the removed context of family that visits each other. I don't miss being confined to the same premises as them for long periods of time. that pressure to be someone they like all the time is just a little overwhelming, suffocating, or oppressive if you will.
i was thinking of the word "nice" today (trust me, this will be a connected thought). everyone knows the people that are just geniunely nice through and through. they are sweet, maybe quiet, and do really nice things for people. almost everyone likes those people. here comes the inevitable but. But how well do we know those people? Nice is a word that people say at funerals: oh she was so nice! He was such a nice man! Nice is not even the vanilla of the ben and jerry's world, it's the frozen condensation forming around the outside of the ice cream container. Nice does not inspire action, in fact nice rarely inspires thought. you see a nice person and you think "wow, they are such a nice person" but you justify to yourself why you aren't, why you don't act that way: I'm just not that nice. nice doesn't challenge, nice doesn't criticize, nice doesn't cause anyone to do anything. so what about those people who are just nice through and through? That's fine, the world needs them. as long as it's not an act. as long as it's not what they think people want. as long as it's not what they are in order to be liked. and those people may exist, but i am not and cannot be one of them. I'm not malicious. I don't wish harm on anyone for no good reason. i have just taken enough crap in my life to choke it all back. Two examples today: One, the choir wanted the brass section there early to rehearse. we sat around for 45 minutes and listened to them warm up. I know they had things they needed to do and there was probably some miscommunication, but I was VERY unhappy. THe band always gets overlooked, and yes the choir is amazing and more well known than us, but that doesn't mean that we don't deserve respect (like for sleep,or more important, picking up the uhaul so my mom woudln't have to). rather than holding these negative thoughts in like I might have chosen to, i complained to everyone that would listen. i was about ready to say something during rehearsal but we finally got to play (I know.... close doesn't count but in horseshoes and handgrendes). The points is i wasn't the least bit concerned about playing the nice, docile card. Second example: someone at work today took a table in my section. I ripped him a new one. continually. all night long.
call me a bitch, call me what you will, but how often do you find a strong woman out there that is respected for being a strong woman? I'm gonig to use hillary clinton as my example because I personally admire her. She is a strong woman, she voices her mind and she always has. and look at the backlash. look at how the first lady acts now and you tell me it's not in direct response to Hillary's actions as First lady. it's sickening, and I hate it. what other women do you know, especially in politics, that does not play a passive role?
I don't believe that my family ever expects me to be the stock character "nice". But i feel it's something similar to that. They never have expected me to play the docile female bit. But i see it continually whenever I start to let loose and really say what's on my mom, they get offended, withdraw and give me "the look". It happened at Christmas when I got upset over the amount of money they were spending. It happened this weekend when I started criticizing Christianity. I know enough to withdraw becuase there is no winning in that game. not with my family, not withthe people I am forced to be around for at least a little while every year. Oddly enough, i still enjoy their company. but i'm still left with that question "how well do they know me" and vice versa.
well, my bag of popcorn is almost gone. i will leave well enough alone for now.