(no subject)
I heard someone mocking me in the class the other day though perhaps she wasn't mocking me at all but my overactive self-image jumped out at her and jumbled her words all around. I have felt as small as a bug for days merely because of this. I have nothing to show them. NO confidence that I will be "better" than them, no belief that I will be happier with what I do, or more "sucessful" then they. i don't know what better or sucess is all I have is this one run at 20-90 some years and i will never know if they ran a good race or not. hell i'll never know that about myself. i'm realizing that I will never have the course set or if I do it will be covered in a thick haze, pea soup like my grandma used to make and I used to hate that shit it literally looked like shit and yet she would gulp it down with a grin. do you see what I mean?