I have no idea what I want or should want; but I do generally percieve what it entails

[whune]

must resist urge to get too specific right now.

I've a very direct personality
I like tangible goal
and measurable criteria

the problem is that I'm dealing with all sorts of other tedious complications

1 - an inferiority complex,
half the time I have no idea if whatever I'm doing embracing is beneath what I'm capable of, due to a sense of inferiority;
or an overcompensation, due to the same issue.

2 - I'm my own mentor...
I'm teaching my self, according to my vision, and using whatever I can find presently available in the now to do that; but the person teaching me - me - generally doesn't know wtf he's doing
but whenever

I always make more progress when I just hold to my vision
but it's so disconcerting
it's like I've got telekinesis and I'm walking on a pathway that is held up by nothing but my own mind/force of will.
sure i"m using solid things - resources - like books and people living a reality somewhat parallel to an aspect of what I envision...
but it's all held up - and together - by me.
You have to have enormous faith in your self to do that
which is irrational for me to do, because of my track record of failure.

but I have no choice but to go forward
well I do
but I'm compelled to go forward
I can't just stay on this side of the chasm