No Damn Good (2/2)
Title: No Damn Good
Rating:R
Genre and/or Pairing: Avengers movieverse/X-Men movieverse crossover; Steve/Tony
Warnings: infidelity, homophobia, alcoholism, hurt!Tony
Word Count: 13,555
Summary: After Steve caught Tony cheating on him with a woman he's never even seen before, Steve's heartbroken and Tony's desperate to explain that it wasn't quite what it looked like, that he's fucked up, so fucked up, and he's sorry and sometimes he does really, really stupid things. Steve wants to believe him, because he is stupidly, ridiculously in love with Tony, but he's hurt, and it's hard. Also, there are giant panther chameleons on the Empire State Building.
Most of the villains they fought never did anything halfway. Sure, sometimes Loki did something stupid or they ran into some low level bad guy who’d gotten his greedy hands on a high level weapon, but for the most part they dealt with utter madness. Kind of like the brand of madness that ensued when half a dozen speed enhanced, car sized panther chameleons climbed one of New York’s tallest buildings.
It was bad enough when they started; the things were impossibly to catch and they were kind of one man down because Bruce was still Bruce, on a nearby rooftop with Coulson as he scrounged up every secret bit of scientific data he could on the projects that might have spawned these creatures. Steve wanted Bruce right where he was, both for Bruce’s sake and because they really did need as much information as they could get, still, he couldn’t help but think here and there that with creatures of that size, the Hulk might really come in handy.
Tony had flown Clint up to a precarious perch Clint had made even more precarious, strapping himself to the chain link around the observation deck and hanging over to get better shots as the lizards came up. Here and there he used exploding arrows, the fires busting out bright into the night, a red orange counterpoint to the white of Thor’s lightning and the blue burn of Tony’s repulsor blasts. This was one battle where lacking the ability to fly really, really felt like the worst kind of detriment, and though he and Natasha were doing the best they could to keep themselves useful, he was getting increasingly frustrated. Logan was still with them, but with his ability to dig in and hold on, lack of flight wasn’t quite as much of a problem.
“I count three still up here, Clint, you got a different count?”
“Not sure about the last one that went down, Cap. Looked like he might have caught his fall on the building enough to slow his way down. We may need you and Tasha street level.”
He snapped out his shield into a perfect arc, caught the lizard trying to make its way up over the fence right underneath the jaw. The sound it made was somewhere between a roar and a chatter, only momentarily knocked off balance as its sticky feet found a new hold.
“Alright. Thor, I need you up here covering Clint with Natasha, and if I can get a ride down-“
“I’ll be there.” Tony cut in over the coms, a little breathless in his rush to answer. Steve hadn’t even thought how it might sound, hadn’t been about to ask for a ride from Thor at all. Not that he wouldn’t have if the circumstances required it, but he’d flown with Tony from the beginning, never anyone else. They moved together even in the air with a kind of seamless grace, and so long as he had any choice, that’s what he’d be choosing.
There was a growl to his right, and he turned to see Wolverine locked in a struggle, the tail of the creature Steve had whacked under the chin gripping onto him and trying to twist him from his hold. He rushed the fence, the slam of his shield dislodging a foot and the lizard’s focus long enough for Logan to dig his claws, long enough, too, for Thor to sweep in on his way to the observation deck to catch him.
“Hey, how about a warning? Fuckin’ hate flying.”
Steve heard Thor’s laughter, but any reply after that was lost on him. Tony was sweeping in toward him, ready to snatch him up and get down to ground level, but his path took him right past that chameleon at the top, the one Steve had already thoroughly pissed off. Its tongue shot out lightning fast, too fast for Steve to even call out a warning, and before he could even take a breath much less make a move Tony had been jerked on the end of a sticky tongue down into crushing jaws.
He screamed for Tony, utterly futile at that particular moment, and he and Logan and Natasha all seemed to dive forward as one. Logan’s claws ripped through the chain link to rake across the thing’s throat in rapid succession, three times before the monster even gave a garbled cry. Steve yanked himself up, kicking and climbing hard enough that his fingers ached, but he got his hand over the top and locked around Tony’s gauntlet, and when the creature fell (three arrows and two knives in his neck, and smoking from a lighting strike), he was able to hold on, to pull Tony back with all his strength. He landed with a rush that knocked the wind out of him, the weight of Tony and the suit crashing down against his chest. The city lights weaved around him for a minute but he pulled himself up by force of will, gasping and not caring a damn bit about his burning lungs as his fingers fumbled for the release on Tony’s faceplate.
“Cap? What’s his status?” Bruce’s voice carried all their worries, and over the coms Steve could hear the unnatural stillness of his whole team holding their breath.
He didn’t know yet, God, he didn’t know, and his fingers couldn’t find the damn catch, and he couldn’t afford to just think about Tony right now, couldn’t bear to do anything less.
“I’ve got him, I’ve got him, keep going, there’s still those two on the south side. Natasha,-“
“I’ll take it from here.” He hadn’t realized how close she was behind him until he felt her hands on his shoulders, squeezing gently just before she disappeared and took command, rattling off a coordinated plan of attack between Thor and Clint that sounded like something he’d have gone for. Natasha was incredible like that, the rock for all the team at any moment of crisis, though not at all due to any lack of feeling. She had her own panic for Tony, he knew, but Tasha, she bled only on the inside. If there ever came a time when he saw cracks in her surface, he’d do the best he could to sweep in and hold her up the way she did the rest of them but at that point, he’d be terrified for her.
Terror was probably a few shades below what he was feeling just then. He finally hit his mark and the faceplate flipped open to show Tony’s eyes closed, his breathing shallow against Steve’s cheek when he dipped his head next to Tony’s to check. It was so light against his skin that it seemed an utterly insubstantial thing, soft as moth’s wings and with little regularity which wasn’t all that surprising, because with his head turned like it was he was finally surveying the damage. The suit had been made to hold up against a hell of a lot, but apparently, mutant lizard teeth were a different level of sharp. There were jagged cuts in the perfect array of a bite all up and down Tony’s body, blood seeping out around twisted metal to the point where Steve wasn’t sure what had done more damage, the teeth themselves or the suit as they’d pushed in.
“God, I’ve got to get him out of here.”
“I’ve got help on the way, Captain. The street’s clear; the two the team recently dropped didn’t make it. You can take the express elevator down, the med team will meet you in the lobby.” He hadn’t even been sure he’d spoken aloud but there Coulson was, always ready to cover their asses. He scooped Tony up in his arms quick as he could, still trying to stay mindful of his injuries. For just a second he thought he heard a whimper as he gathered him up, and he kept his cheek nuzzled next to Tony’s the whole ride down, Tony’s lips right against his ear so he could feel him breathe, maybe hear something, anything.
There was nothing, no further indication Tony might be awake even for a second but he talked to him anyway, his voice soft and less shaky than he’d have expect.
“It’s alright, Tony; you’re gonna be alright. I promise; I’ve got you, you know I wouldn’t let you fall, you’ve never let me, right? You always swoop in and…” And snatch him away from whatever’s coming for him, every time, just like he’d been about to then. His heart was racing, pounding hard enough that he felt just a little lightheaded, even more so when his body jerked as the realization of his heartbeat led him to Tony’s that he couldn’t feel, Tony’s that was tied to the arc reactor and oh God, oh God if it was damaged, even if they got him out of there it wouldn’t be enough, not unless they had a ready replacement.
It had still been bright enough in the dark on the roof, and when pulled his head far enough away from Tony’s neck to check it, it was still glowing strong, illuminating the twisted metal just to the right of it. His tally of positives increased by one. Tony was breathing, and the arc reactor was safe. As long as those two things stayed true, he could make it.
When he reached the med team below, even faced with that whole herd full of equipment and a gurney to bear him away, Steve could hardly bring himself to let go. Laying him down was physically painful, his muscles burning more at the sudden lack of weight than they had at carrying him, and he couldn’t resist snagging Tony’s hand just before they pulled him away, bending over him to press a kiss just below his ear.
“I’ll be with you soon.” If his voice cracked, they graciously didn’t notice it.
All the way back up the elevator he couldn’t help but think that this was the part, the only part he hated about all of this. He was their Captain; he couldn’t leave them in a fight. Not even if it meant leaving the man he loved to deal with a fight of his own all alone.
Just before he reached the top he punched the wall, his first jerking through layers to expose metal. By the time he stepped out onto the observation deck, he was as ready as he could possibly get, gripping his shield so tight it hurt and glad that in the dark, he mostly couldn’t see Tony’s blood on his hands.
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’
“You made the paper.”
Clint’s voice was uncharacteristically soft, toned down in deference to Tony’s drugged sleep and Steve’s exhaustion. He’d made it back to SHIELD medical in pretty much record time after the conclusion of last night’s disaster, had barged in only to hear that Tony had internal damage, was in surgery, and no, he couldn’t see him yet. He’d have to wait.
Steve wasn’t very good at waiting.
He’d paced the hallway, as close to the doors leading to the operating rooms as he possibly could before he could tell he was making the agent stationed outside the doors anxious. At that point he’d wandered out of the medical part of the compound entirely, found his way to the tiny chapel for all faiths they had upstairs and had tried to pray, succeeded for a time before a woman came in and he got distracted by his own thoughts, his mind full of too much anger. Most days, he found it easy to see the best in people, to at least hope for the best in them, but with Tony on the table and too much unresolved between them, he couldn’t really see the best in anything.
The woman was probably utterly innocent, probably a great person, but she reminded him that if the world had known about him and Tony like he wished they did, a good half of them would’ve questioned his right to pray for Tony when everything about the two of them was condemned. There were plenty of preachers out there that would’ve told him God wouldn’t hear him, not for Tony’s sake, not as his lover, and even though there were plenty of others that would’ve accepted them, that believed in God the way Steve did, the way he always had. It was that he usually chose to dwell, but at that moment he just couldn’t. He felt raw and frustrated and helpless, inches away from lashing out, and he took back to the halls again.
The team seemed to veer back and forth between rapid fire texts and trying to give him a little space and he loved them for it, just like he loved knowing without ever having looked that they were all camped out in the room they’d been told Tony would be taken to. They’d sit and wait for his return when they were all battered, all starving and exhausted, and in the end even though he’d almost resumed his pacing vigil, Steve’s trek through the labyrinth of halls had eventually led him there. If he was going to wait in misery, he might as well do it among friends. When he got there Pepper had already made it too, had stripped off her high heels and was pacing the room in a near perfect square, fielding calls and texts from Rhodey on a frequent basis.
By the time Tony was brought in Jane had joined them and Thor was asleep with his head in her lap. Bruce had nodded off too, head propped on arms that rested on his knees. They both jerked awake at the sound of wheels in the hallway, and Steve was right there to meet the nurses at the door.
He’d made it through alright, they’d patched up and he should be fine, shouldn’t be too long before he was back to normal. Considering the source of the bite he’d be on heavy duty antibiotics for a while too, just in case. There was more, details about stitches and how his chest was going to hurt like a bitch but he needed to be careful with the morphine drip and he shouldn’t drink until he was off of it, but all of those were details Steve mostly picked up later. Initially, he didn’t much beyond “He made it through surgery alright.”.
From there, he’d settled in to wait until Tony woke up. So far, it had been a long stretch of coffee and exhaustion, only broken when Coulson had finally stood up and gently herded the team back the mansion for rest and now, when Clint had come back.
He reached out to scoop up the paper Clint had tossed lightly onto Tony’s dinner tray, and his eyes caught on the headline before the picture, stamped out in startlingly huge black type.
Proof of an illicit relationship between Iron Man and Captain America!
Then, in smaller type below-
We bring you the exclusive interview with an Avengers insider who claims he’s known America’s most clean cut hero wasn’t quite so clean
Disgusted, Steve spun the paper out of his hand to flutter and crash into the wall, dissolving into pieces. If Tony hadn’t been sleeping, the chair he’d been sitting in would’ve followed it.
“You know, I wish this was unbelievable, I really do. He nearly-“ He choked on the words, took a look at the steady rise and fall of Tony’s chest before he could continue. “He nearly dies saving them, and this is what makes the headlines? Me leaning over to kiss him before they take him away? Christ. What the hell is wrong with these people?!”
“I know, Cap. It’s shit, I know it’s shit, but in some way or other the papers have always been this way, you know? I mean, we bust our ass to save their asses, to protect their right to verbally rip us apart. It’s…fucked, but it is what it is.” Clint folded himself into the other, more rickety chair, crouched on the seat in a way that could only be comfortable to someone who spent too many hours in far more uncomfortable places. “Sleeping Beauty crack an eye?”
“No. Not yet.” At the base of the wall Steve could still the picture, a distanced image of himself bending over Tony, promising him he’d be back soon. It was private, so completely private, and despite the fact that it shouldn’t have been making headlines, something so personal shouldn’t have been printed at all. It was wrong, too intrusive. Even if they were superheroes, whatever happened to a little basic respect?
“Hey. Steve.” He blinked, let Clint pull his focus back. “It’s ok, man. I get it. The rest of us are pissed too. Thor offered to track the guy down and bash his camera but I’m not sure that’d do any good. Natasha’s thinking of encouraging it anyway. Coulson’s gonna handle the media like he always does, says he can get it under control if you want, or…”
Or tell everyone. Have it out in the open, no more secrets. If the world wanted to hate him for it, they could hate him personally, or maybe, just maybe it might make a few people take a step back. He took Tony’s hand between his, careful of the IV stuck in the back of it. Those things hurt, he remembered; he’d had too many of them as a kid. Between Tony’s thumb and his hand the cut he’d started to care for was still there, now scrubbed clean by the nurses. He stroked the edges of it absently, and he wished he’d been the one to finish taking care of that, taking care of Tony. Time constraints aside, he wished that right then, he’d have told everything.
“No.”
“No?” There was something blatantly hopeful in Clint’s voice, and that just firmed his decision up all the more.
“No. I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry, and I’m not ashamed, and if they want to make something out of me saying goodbye to him after what had just happened on that roof, then I really don’t care what they think of me.” He’d said it all in one breath, rushing through with his eyes still on Tony’s hand that looked so fragile and white between his. “I mean, unless Fury…unless he’s got a problem with it, but I don’t see how he possibly could. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed. There’s no rules hanging over me now; not that they’ve told me anyway.” Not like there was before, when he’d felt a hundred things for Bucky and never spoken a damn word, hardly even let himself think most of them until it was too late.
“Hey, Cap?”
“Hm?”
“Have I ever told you it’s a fucking honor, serving under you in this whole crazy mess?”
He couldn’t help but laugh at that, just a little, because it was enough to bring a smile to his face and he hadn’t smiled in hours. Clint was still crouched in the opposite chair, something so warm in his eyes when Steve looked up that he realized all over again just how lucky he was that he’d ended up in this time, found these people.
“It’s an honor to serve with you, Barton. It absolutely is.” In all his preoccupation with Tony and the paper and everything else, he’d almost forgotten Clint had a stake in the issue just as deep as his, and though he was pretty sure by the fact that Logan hadn’t left(not to mention the easiness Clint had had about him as they’d fought together) that everything had turned out alright, he still wanted to say something. He wasn’t sure how much he could say, but all the same he wanted Clint to know he cared how he was, that this was something they could talk about if he ever needed. “I ran into Logan at a bar the other night.”
Clint’s smile couldn’t have been brighter, and yeah, yeah things were definitely ok between them. “Yeah, he told me. Hope he didn’t give you too much of a hard time.”
“He’s a good man.”
“Ah, he’s an asshole, but yeah, he’s a good man too.” Clint stood up in the chair, stretching easily before he hopped down and reached over to ruffle Tony’s hair. “Let him know we’re worried about him. Call home if anything changes, ok? Bruce’ll be by next to check on you guys.”
They had a schedule, an actual schedule for checking on the two of them, and even to someone like Clint who’d spent his whole life moving around the mansion was home…somehow, they were making this whole family thing work spectacularly well, despite how much it had seemed in the beginning they might never mesh together at all.
“Alright, I will. Thanks, Clint.”
With Clint gone, he might need to go for another cup of coffee.
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’
The minute Tony’s eyes opened, Steve came so far forward to lean against the rail he was nearly off his chair.
“Tony, hey, Tony, look at me. Do you want me to call the nurse? They said you might need-“
Tony licked his cracked lips, and Steve shut up to give him the space to talk. “You draw the short straw, Cap?”
Even as rough as his voice was he could hear the deliberate lightness to it, Tony doing his best not to hope. It jabbed at Steve’s heart, scraping at the edges of leftover hurt from everything that had happened with the girl. It was still there, still twinging if he thought about it, but all the time it dwindled.
Steve reached over for the cup of ice he’d kept periodically refilling, bypassed the spoon and scooped a few onto his fingers.
“Here. You might have an IV, but you still need water. And no, that’s not why I’m here.” He held his fingers to Tony’s lips, grateful that he took it even if it was tentative. The flick of his tongue against Steve’s fingers was so light, so unlike Tony’s usual deliberation with him. Even light, the heat it sparked under his skin still danced its way all through his body, a wonderfully familiar spread of warmth.
“You really are the most devoted mother hen I’ve ever seen. Seriously, most devoted mother anything; I don’t even think a grizzly has one up on you.” The scratch in his throat had to hurt, and Steve made a note in his head that after the talked, he needed to call the nurse for some hot tea. Well, maybe coffee. Tony would be desperate for coffee. Still, after.
“A compliment, though I’ve seen a mother horse that could probably give a grizzly a run for its money, but also not why I’m here.” He dug some more ice chips out of the Dixie cup, easing them into Tony’s mouth and wiping a droplet off his lip with his thumb. “I’m here because there’s no way I could stand to be anywhere else. Not if I can help it; not when you’re here and you need me.”
“I’m fine; I’ve-“
“No, don’t tell me you’ve had worse and don’t tell me you’re fine; I didn’t say that to imply you’re a burden, Tony. You’re not. I just mean that…” That I love you, irrationally, probably insanely, but that doesn’t exactly matter because what does is that I really, really love you.
Tony was carefully studying the fraying blanket pulled up against his chest, and Steve used the pause he was trying to collect his thoughts in to reach out and snag Tony’s hand. It didn’t exactly help with the thought collecting, but it did make him feel better.
“I’m not saying I’m not hurt; I’m not even saying I understand all the way because I really don’t. If there was something about us bothering you, something about it that set you on edge I don’t know why you didn’t think you could come to me; you can. But the point is, I’m hurt, and yeah I was mad, of course I was mad; I still am. Neither of those things have anything to do with the fact that I love you. And when it comes right down to it, that one’s more important. So if you tell me you made a mistake, if you tell me you didn’t mean this and you want it to be me and you, then I’ll do everything I can to believe you. I may not be great at it today or tomorrow or for God knows how long, but I can tell you I’m trying to trust that, to put that faith in you. But if we’re going to do this-and I’m telling you, I absolutely want to-then you’re got to put faith in me too, Tony. You’ve got to stop waiting for me to run out on you, planning what your life is gonna be like when I disappear. I’m not going to disappear, and if this is going to work, you’ve got to stop pushing me away. Cause that? That’s the only thing I can’t do anything about. I can handle the rest; I know you think you’re a wreck, but I’m actually not all that put together myself. But if you won’t let me in, then there’s nothing I can do. Everything’s up to you.”
Tony’s eyes were nearly shut, and even though he was clearly fighting it by the way they hadn’t yet fallen, Steve could see the heaviness of tears lingering at the bottom of them. Steve gave him time, and he managed to rein it back in, his throat working as he swallowed until he could get himself pulled together. He didn’t have to, God he absolutely didn’t have to, but he knew Tony well enough to know that to him, it would’ve been a loss in the near constant battle with himself if he shed tears now.
“Yeah, I can do that. I want that, with you, I…I’m not good at this, Steve, I’m horrible at it, but believe it or not I am trying my best and-“
“I know that, Tony, I do.”
“-I’ll get better; I get better at everything. Well, most everything. Sometimes hey, talent’s talent, what can I say, but for the most part, I’m all for improvements, revisions…I can do that. I can try. I can…” His voice had been something close to confidant at first, so hopeful it rode that into a little extra strength but the more he talked, the weaker it got. “It’s just, I don’t have illusions about what I am. Damaged doesn’t even begin to describe it, I’m reassembled, literally, and I mean carrying that metaphor a little farther, the pieces weren’t that great to begin with. I’ve already dragged Pepper down with me; I think at this point she’s beyond help, but you’re not, and I can’t help but think-“
“Tony.” He squeezed the hand he held just a little harder than he normally would have, drew Tony’s focus as he twined their fingers together and tugged that hand to his lips to press a kiss against the cut from the workshop. “I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you want me to.”
“Fuck no.” It came out hoarse, eager and a little desperate, and Steve’s lips lingered on his skin.
“Good.” He shifted his grip, left another soft kiss just where the IV catheter disappeared under Tony’s skin. He loved Tony’s hands. “So…some reporter down on the street for last night’s disaster took a picture of me with you before they took you away, so now we’re front page news. And I kind of told Clint to tell Coulson not to try to control it.”
“Kind of?”
“Alright, nothing ambiguous about it; I did. I’ve been around you and your answers for too long.” He tried for light but there was a tightness in his chest that wouldn’t settle until Tony answered, an uncertainty he’d had since not too long after Clint had left. He’d told Clint he didn’t care what they knew and that was true, he didn’t. Before, though, it had always been Tony hiding it so carefully, always Tony who was adamant they couldn’t tell and while it had always felt like a move to protect him and his image and that was what Tony had said, the more he thought about it the more he realized that wasn’t a choice he should’ve made alone. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you, I was just so angry; they were talking about how we had this illicit relationship, like it was some horrible catastrophe when the thing they should’ve noticed was how badly you were hurt. I couldn’t stand it.” Still couldn’t, really. The first reporter to ask him about it and use the word ‘illicit’ was going to get an earful.
“Pepper’s gonna kill me for not warning her. God, don’t tell her I’m awake yet; tell her I’m in a coma. For like, five years. That should give her enough time.” He was smiling, almost laughing but he drew up short from that, wincing, “Shit, this hurts, everything hurts; I can’t believe I nearly got eaten by a lizard. I’m never going to live this down, am I?” Nowhere in there had he answered, not a single word about how he felt about them being out, and he must’ve been able to read Steve’s worry in his eyes because he pulled the ramble up short. “Hey, it’s ok. It’s really ok. I was never worried about me. They’ve had pictures of me in a thousand worse positions, trust me; shots of me doing all kinds of things I regretted. You, there’s nothing there to regret so it’s not like I even feel like they’ve ‘got’ something on me; I mean please, this isn’t news, you’re right, this shouldn’t be news. But the thing is, I’m already pretty much the guy you don’t necessarily want your kid to grow up to be; I may be successful but a lot of my fuck ups have been pretty public. I may be Iron Man, and they love me for it, but it’s not like I’m a shining example of morality. You, on the other hand, are pretty much literally the embodiment of America, and I’m pretty sure the thought of you fucking anyone, much less me, isn’t gonna go over well, and most of that’s gonna come down on you. But if it’s bothering you-“
Yes, it was.
“-and this is something you want-“
More than anything, yes.
“-then alright, yes. Let ‘em try to come after us. You know, the mindfuck of all of this might actually be good for people, though be prepared for some nasty shit. A good majority of those below the Mason-Dixon line are probably burning their Captain America hoodies right now.”
He couldn’t say that didn’t hurt him, couldn’t say that there probably wouldn’t be a hell of a lot more in the coming days that would hurt him even more, but none of that would even mean that he regretted it. He’d meant what he said to Clint; he was ashamed of Tony, and he wasn’t about to start being ashamed of him just because some close minded people couldn’t accept what the two of them had. He was from the 40’s for God’s sakes; if he could accept everyone, so could they. Granted, he’d always known he had that potential for attraction to men in himself so he’d had a leg up there, but all the same, even if he hadn’t known how it felt, he would’ve never spoke a word of condemnation to those that did. It just wasn’t how he’d been raised, wasn’t what he’d grown up believing. He believed in a God that loved the world he’d created and in a country that set out to make itself a safe haven for the harassed and hunted. Neither of those values fit with the way so many people who claimed adherence to both continued to behave.
His lips shifted to Tony’s knuckles, all his attention on the bruises there until he realized Tony was still quiet, maybe still waiting for an answer or maybe just tired, but he looked up to find Tony watching him, a real smile on his face that reached all the way to his eyes. That was Steve’s favorite, the smile most paparazzi had never been able to capture even if they snagged his picture a hundred times. It was beautiful and all too rare and Steve loved searching it out.
“So…”
“Yeah?”
“We’re really ok?”
“We will be, yeah.” There were still images he was trying to shake, still worries, still doubts but those would fade. The more important things, they wouldn’t.
“Then come here.” He used Steve’s grip on his hand to lead him up out of his chair, in closer where Tony could use his free hand to cup Steve’s jaw and pull him in for a kiss. Tony’s lips were still so dry, rough and probably painful but he was as eager as ever, and though for a single heartbeat Steve wondered if he’d kissed her too, the slide of his tongue into Tony’s mouth brushed it all defiantly away. Tony whimpered like he’d been starved for Steve’s taste, slid his hand down to Steve’s neck where he could get a proper grip, his nails digging into Steve’s skin with a bite that only served to pump arousal through him. Alcohol he might have resistance too, and sure, he might never be able to get much use out of pain meds again, but Tony, he was a drug with a rush that could bring Steve to his knees.
He shifted the kiss, let Tony gasp for air against his lips for a second before slanting his mouth back over Tony’s, shifting their angle to get him just a little deeper. He could never have enough of Tony’s tongue against his, of the ache of desire that came with it or the way Tony melted toward him, drawn by Steve’s kiss like he couldn’t help himself.
He wanted it to go on, to plunder Tony’s mouth until the sounds he made were so desperate Steve couldn’t deny him, couldn’t deny them both. He wanted to take Tony right there, to cover Tony’s body with his own like he hadn’t been able to when Tony needed and him and take care of him in at least one way that he could, to make him feel and let him rest after. He wanted at least to pull the covers down and take Tony into his mouth, to take in the concentrated taste that was just Tony and feel those talented hands rhythmically gripping at his hair as Tony moaned and struggled against the urge to thrust into the wet heat of his mouth. He wasn’t very good at it yet, he didn’t think. Nothing like Tony, and he blushed still, he knew, but Tony fell apart for him when he did it, babbling and crying out his name and coming so hard he shook. Since all of that was the point anyway, he must’ve been doing something right.
He wanted all of it, and he couldn’t have any of it. Tony had stiches and staples and freshly bound up internal injuries, and even if Tony would’ve protested that a blowjob was light enough or that more making out wouldn’t kill him, Steve couldn’t justify it to himself, not when he knew he was too biased by the press of his own cock against his jeans.
Pulling back was horribly hard, and he tempered it with a last light kiss against Tony’s damp lips.
“I have to call your doctor. She needs to come back and look you over now that you’re awake.”
“You can do it for her. I suggest you be thorough.”
He chuckled, breath brushing Tony’s skin as he kissed the edge of his beard. “And the team. They’re worried sick about you.”
“Send them a text; they’ll live. Besides, I told you, we’re not telling Pepper I’m up. She’ll kill me, and isn’t that kind of the opposite of what you want right now?”
“Not funny, Tony.”
“I beg to differ, mortal peril is always funny. You need a better outlook. But hey, that reminds me, thank you for carrying my ass out of there, after the um, lizard bite. God, there’s literally no way that will ever cease to sound ridiculous. Unless we deal with something more ridiculous, in which case we should seriously reevaluate this job.”
“Don’t thank me for that.” The kiss he stole then absolutely had to be the last, because the pull to just find a way to fit beside him in that bed was getting more irresistible by the minute. “But let me go, ok? I’ll be right back. Just gonna go find a nurse.”
After the nurse and the doctor, after Steve had called back home to let everyone know Tony was awake and talking and absolutely himself, Tony fell back into an exhausted sleep. He hadn’t even stayed awake long enough to eat, of course, but that was alright, because Steve would be there to remind him when he woke up. After some maneuvering and creative chord shifting, Steve managed to slide in bed beside him, loosened the covers to drape over both of them. He almost looped his arm around Tony’s waist before he remembered just now much everything hurt, and he settled instead for letting his hand rest on the arc reactor, the weight of his arm not pressing on any major wounds. In his sleep Tony sighed, easy and content, and when his head instinctively turned left Steve kissed him, light enough that he wouldn’t wake him.
“Goodnight, Tony.” Closing his eyes, he fell asleep to the beep of the monitors.
Rating:R
Genre and/or Pairing: Avengers movieverse/X-Men movieverse crossover; Steve/Tony
Warnings: infidelity, homophobia, alcoholism, hurt!Tony
Word Count: 13,555
Summary: After Steve caught Tony cheating on him with a woman he's never even seen before, Steve's heartbroken and Tony's desperate to explain that it wasn't quite what it looked like, that he's fucked up, so fucked up, and he's sorry and sometimes he does really, really stupid things. Steve wants to believe him, because he is stupidly, ridiculously in love with Tony, but he's hurt, and it's hard. Also, there are giant panther chameleons on the Empire State Building.
Most of the villains they fought never did anything halfway. Sure, sometimes Loki did something stupid or they ran into some low level bad guy who’d gotten his greedy hands on a high level weapon, but for the most part they dealt with utter madness. Kind of like the brand of madness that ensued when half a dozen speed enhanced, car sized panther chameleons climbed one of New York’s tallest buildings.
It was bad enough when they started; the things were impossibly to catch and they were kind of one man down because Bruce was still Bruce, on a nearby rooftop with Coulson as he scrounged up every secret bit of scientific data he could on the projects that might have spawned these creatures. Steve wanted Bruce right where he was, both for Bruce’s sake and because they really did need as much information as they could get, still, he couldn’t help but think here and there that with creatures of that size, the Hulk might really come in handy.
Tony had flown Clint up to a precarious perch Clint had made even more precarious, strapping himself to the chain link around the observation deck and hanging over to get better shots as the lizards came up. Here and there he used exploding arrows, the fires busting out bright into the night, a red orange counterpoint to the white of Thor’s lightning and the blue burn of Tony’s repulsor blasts. This was one battle where lacking the ability to fly really, really felt like the worst kind of detriment, and though he and Natasha were doing the best they could to keep themselves useful, he was getting increasingly frustrated. Logan was still with them, but with his ability to dig in and hold on, lack of flight wasn’t quite as much of a problem.
“I count three still up here, Clint, you got a different count?”
“Not sure about the last one that went down, Cap. Looked like he might have caught his fall on the building enough to slow his way down. We may need you and Tasha street level.”
He snapped out his shield into a perfect arc, caught the lizard trying to make its way up over the fence right underneath the jaw. The sound it made was somewhere between a roar and a chatter, only momentarily knocked off balance as its sticky feet found a new hold.
“Alright. Thor, I need you up here covering Clint with Natasha, and if I can get a ride down-“
“I’ll be there.” Tony cut in over the coms, a little breathless in his rush to answer. Steve hadn’t even thought how it might sound, hadn’t been about to ask for a ride from Thor at all. Not that he wouldn’t have if the circumstances required it, but he’d flown with Tony from the beginning, never anyone else. They moved together even in the air with a kind of seamless grace, and so long as he had any choice, that’s what he’d be choosing.
There was a growl to his right, and he turned to see Wolverine locked in a struggle, the tail of the creature Steve had whacked under the chin gripping onto him and trying to twist him from his hold. He rushed the fence, the slam of his shield dislodging a foot and the lizard’s focus long enough for Logan to dig his claws, long enough, too, for Thor to sweep in on his way to the observation deck to catch him.
“Hey, how about a warning? Fuckin’ hate flying.”
Steve heard Thor’s laughter, but any reply after that was lost on him. Tony was sweeping in toward him, ready to snatch him up and get down to ground level, but his path took him right past that chameleon at the top, the one Steve had already thoroughly pissed off. Its tongue shot out lightning fast, too fast for Steve to even call out a warning, and before he could even take a breath much less make a move Tony had been jerked on the end of a sticky tongue down into crushing jaws.
He screamed for Tony, utterly futile at that particular moment, and he and Logan and Natasha all seemed to dive forward as one. Logan’s claws ripped through the chain link to rake across the thing’s throat in rapid succession, three times before the monster even gave a garbled cry. Steve yanked himself up, kicking and climbing hard enough that his fingers ached, but he got his hand over the top and locked around Tony’s gauntlet, and when the creature fell (three arrows and two knives in his neck, and smoking from a lighting strike), he was able to hold on, to pull Tony back with all his strength. He landed with a rush that knocked the wind out of him, the weight of Tony and the suit crashing down against his chest. The city lights weaved around him for a minute but he pulled himself up by force of will, gasping and not caring a damn bit about his burning lungs as his fingers fumbled for the release on Tony’s faceplate.
“Cap? What’s his status?” Bruce’s voice carried all their worries, and over the coms Steve could hear the unnatural stillness of his whole team holding their breath.
He didn’t know yet, God, he didn’t know, and his fingers couldn’t find the damn catch, and he couldn’t afford to just think about Tony right now, couldn’t bear to do anything less.
“I’ve got him, I’ve got him, keep going, there’s still those two on the south side. Natasha,-“
“I’ll take it from here.” He hadn’t realized how close she was behind him until he felt her hands on his shoulders, squeezing gently just before she disappeared and took command, rattling off a coordinated plan of attack between Thor and Clint that sounded like something he’d have gone for. Natasha was incredible like that, the rock for all the team at any moment of crisis, though not at all due to any lack of feeling. She had her own panic for Tony, he knew, but Tasha, she bled only on the inside. If there ever came a time when he saw cracks in her surface, he’d do the best he could to sweep in and hold her up the way she did the rest of them but at that point, he’d be terrified for her.
Terror was probably a few shades below what he was feeling just then. He finally hit his mark and the faceplate flipped open to show Tony’s eyes closed, his breathing shallow against Steve’s cheek when he dipped his head next to Tony’s to check. It was so light against his skin that it seemed an utterly insubstantial thing, soft as moth’s wings and with little regularity which wasn’t all that surprising, because with his head turned like it was he was finally surveying the damage. The suit had been made to hold up against a hell of a lot, but apparently, mutant lizard teeth were a different level of sharp. There were jagged cuts in the perfect array of a bite all up and down Tony’s body, blood seeping out around twisted metal to the point where Steve wasn’t sure what had done more damage, the teeth themselves or the suit as they’d pushed in.
“God, I’ve got to get him out of here.”
“I’ve got help on the way, Captain. The street’s clear; the two the team recently dropped didn’t make it. You can take the express elevator down, the med team will meet you in the lobby.” He hadn’t even been sure he’d spoken aloud but there Coulson was, always ready to cover their asses. He scooped Tony up in his arms quick as he could, still trying to stay mindful of his injuries. For just a second he thought he heard a whimper as he gathered him up, and he kept his cheek nuzzled next to Tony’s the whole ride down, Tony’s lips right against his ear so he could feel him breathe, maybe hear something, anything.
There was nothing, no further indication Tony might be awake even for a second but he talked to him anyway, his voice soft and less shaky than he’d have expect.
“It’s alright, Tony; you’re gonna be alright. I promise; I’ve got you, you know I wouldn’t let you fall, you’ve never let me, right? You always swoop in and…” And snatch him away from whatever’s coming for him, every time, just like he’d been about to then. His heart was racing, pounding hard enough that he felt just a little lightheaded, even more so when his body jerked as the realization of his heartbeat led him to Tony’s that he couldn’t feel, Tony’s that was tied to the arc reactor and oh God, oh God if it was damaged, even if they got him out of there it wouldn’t be enough, not unless they had a ready replacement.
It had still been bright enough in the dark on the roof, and when pulled his head far enough away from Tony’s neck to check it, it was still glowing strong, illuminating the twisted metal just to the right of it. His tally of positives increased by one. Tony was breathing, and the arc reactor was safe. As long as those two things stayed true, he could make it.
When he reached the med team below, even faced with that whole herd full of equipment and a gurney to bear him away, Steve could hardly bring himself to let go. Laying him down was physically painful, his muscles burning more at the sudden lack of weight than they had at carrying him, and he couldn’t resist snagging Tony’s hand just before they pulled him away, bending over him to press a kiss just below his ear.
“I’ll be with you soon.” If his voice cracked, they graciously didn’t notice it.
All the way back up the elevator he couldn’t help but think that this was the part, the only part he hated about all of this. He was their Captain; he couldn’t leave them in a fight. Not even if it meant leaving the man he loved to deal with a fight of his own all alone.
Just before he reached the top he punched the wall, his first jerking through layers to expose metal. By the time he stepped out onto the observation deck, he was as ready as he could possibly get, gripping his shield so tight it hurt and glad that in the dark, he mostly couldn’t see Tony’s blood on his hands.
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’
“You made the paper.”
Clint’s voice was uncharacteristically soft, toned down in deference to Tony’s drugged sleep and Steve’s exhaustion. He’d made it back to SHIELD medical in pretty much record time after the conclusion of last night’s disaster, had barged in only to hear that Tony had internal damage, was in surgery, and no, he couldn’t see him yet. He’d have to wait.
Steve wasn’t very good at waiting.
He’d paced the hallway, as close to the doors leading to the operating rooms as he possibly could before he could tell he was making the agent stationed outside the doors anxious. At that point he’d wandered out of the medical part of the compound entirely, found his way to the tiny chapel for all faiths they had upstairs and had tried to pray, succeeded for a time before a woman came in and he got distracted by his own thoughts, his mind full of too much anger. Most days, he found it easy to see the best in people, to at least hope for the best in them, but with Tony on the table and too much unresolved between them, he couldn’t really see the best in anything.
The woman was probably utterly innocent, probably a great person, but she reminded him that if the world had known about him and Tony like he wished they did, a good half of them would’ve questioned his right to pray for Tony when everything about the two of them was condemned. There were plenty of preachers out there that would’ve told him God wouldn’t hear him, not for Tony’s sake, not as his lover, and even though there were plenty of others that would’ve accepted them, that believed in God the way Steve did, the way he always had. It was that he usually chose to dwell, but at that moment he just couldn’t. He felt raw and frustrated and helpless, inches away from lashing out, and he took back to the halls again.
The team seemed to veer back and forth between rapid fire texts and trying to give him a little space and he loved them for it, just like he loved knowing without ever having looked that they were all camped out in the room they’d been told Tony would be taken to. They’d sit and wait for his return when they were all battered, all starving and exhausted, and in the end even though he’d almost resumed his pacing vigil, Steve’s trek through the labyrinth of halls had eventually led him there. If he was going to wait in misery, he might as well do it among friends. When he got there Pepper had already made it too, had stripped off her high heels and was pacing the room in a near perfect square, fielding calls and texts from Rhodey on a frequent basis.
By the time Tony was brought in Jane had joined them and Thor was asleep with his head in her lap. Bruce had nodded off too, head propped on arms that rested on his knees. They both jerked awake at the sound of wheels in the hallway, and Steve was right there to meet the nurses at the door.
He’d made it through alright, they’d patched up and he should be fine, shouldn’t be too long before he was back to normal. Considering the source of the bite he’d be on heavy duty antibiotics for a while too, just in case. There was more, details about stitches and how his chest was going to hurt like a bitch but he needed to be careful with the morphine drip and he shouldn’t drink until he was off of it, but all of those were details Steve mostly picked up later. Initially, he didn’t much beyond “He made it through surgery alright.”.
From there, he’d settled in to wait until Tony woke up. So far, it had been a long stretch of coffee and exhaustion, only broken when Coulson had finally stood up and gently herded the team back the mansion for rest and now, when Clint had come back.
He reached out to scoop up the paper Clint had tossed lightly onto Tony’s dinner tray, and his eyes caught on the headline before the picture, stamped out in startlingly huge black type.
Proof of an illicit relationship between Iron Man and Captain America!
Then, in smaller type below-
We bring you the exclusive interview with an Avengers insider who claims he’s known America’s most clean cut hero wasn’t quite so clean
Disgusted, Steve spun the paper out of his hand to flutter and crash into the wall, dissolving into pieces. If Tony hadn’t been sleeping, the chair he’d been sitting in would’ve followed it.
“You know, I wish this was unbelievable, I really do. He nearly-“ He choked on the words, took a look at the steady rise and fall of Tony’s chest before he could continue. “He nearly dies saving them, and this is what makes the headlines? Me leaning over to kiss him before they take him away? Christ. What the hell is wrong with these people?!”
“I know, Cap. It’s shit, I know it’s shit, but in some way or other the papers have always been this way, you know? I mean, we bust our ass to save their asses, to protect their right to verbally rip us apart. It’s…fucked, but it is what it is.” Clint folded himself into the other, more rickety chair, crouched on the seat in a way that could only be comfortable to someone who spent too many hours in far more uncomfortable places. “Sleeping Beauty crack an eye?”
“No. Not yet.” At the base of the wall Steve could still the picture, a distanced image of himself bending over Tony, promising him he’d be back soon. It was private, so completely private, and despite the fact that it shouldn’t have been making headlines, something so personal shouldn’t have been printed at all. It was wrong, too intrusive. Even if they were superheroes, whatever happened to a little basic respect?
“Hey. Steve.” He blinked, let Clint pull his focus back. “It’s ok, man. I get it. The rest of us are pissed too. Thor offered to track the guy down and bash his camera but I’m not sure that’d do any good. Natasha’s thinking of encouraging it anyway. Coulson’s gonna handle the media like he always does, says he can get it under control if you want, or…”
Or tell everyone. Have it out in the open, no more secrets. If the world wanted to hate him for it, they could hate him personally, or maybe, just maybe it might make a few people take a step back. He took Tony’s hand between his, careful of the IV stuck in the back of it. Those things hurt, he remembered; he’d had too many of them as a kid. Between Tony’s thumb and his hand the cut he’d started to care for was still there, now scrubbed clean by the nurses. He stroked the edges of it absently, and he wished he’d been the one to finish taking care of that, taking care of Tony. Time constraints aside, he wished that right then, he’d have told everything.
“No.”
“No?” There was something blatantly hopeful in Clint’s voice, and that just firmed his decision up all the more.
“No. I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry, and I’m not ashamed, and if they want to make something out of me saying goodbye to him after what had just happened on that roof, then I really don’t care what they think of me.” He’d said it all in one breath, rushing through with his eyes still on Tony’s hand that looked so fragile and white between his. “I mean, unless Fury…unless he’s got a problem with it, but I don’t see how he possibly could. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed. There’s no rules hanging over me now; not that they’ve told me anyway.” Not like there was before, when he’d felt a hundred things for Bucky and never spoken a damn word, hardly even let himself think most of them until it was too late.
“Hey, Cap?”
“Hm?”
“Have I ever told you it’s a fucking honor, serving under you in this whole crazy mess?”
He couldn’t help but laugh at that, just a little, because it was enough to bring a smile to his face and he hadn’t smiled in hours. Clint was still crouched in the opposite chair, something so warm in his eyes when Steve looked up that he realized all over again just how lucky he was that he’d ended up in this time, found these people.
“It’s an honor to serve with you, Barton. It absolutely is.” In all his preoccupation with Tony and the paper and everything else, he’d almost forgotten Clint had a stake in the issue just as deep as his, and though he was pretty sure by the fact that Logan hadn’t left(not to mention the easiness Clint had had about him as they’d fought together) that everything had turned out alright, he still wanted to say something. He wasn’t sure how much he could say, but all the same he wanted Clint to know he cared how he was, that this was something they could talk about if he ever needed. “I ran into Logan at a bar the other night.”
Clint’s smile couldn’t have been brighter, and yeah, yeah things were definitely ok between them. “Yeah, he told me. Hope he didn’t give you too much of a hard time.”
“He’s a good man.”
“Ah, he’s an asshole, but yeah, he’s a good man too.” Clint stood up in the chair, stretching easily before he hopped down and reached over to ruffle Tony’s hair. “Let him know we’re worried about him. Call home if anything changes, ok? Bruce’ll be by next to check on you guys.”
They had a schedule, an actual schedule for checking on the two of them, and even to someone like Clint who’d spent his whole life moving around the mansion was home…somehow, they were making this whole family thing work spectacularly well, despite how much it had seemed in the beginning they might never mesh together at all.
“Alright, I will. Thanks, Clint.”
With Clint gone, he might need to go for another cup of coffee.
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’
The minute Tony’s eyes opened, Steve came so far forward to lean against the rail he was nearly off his chair.
“Tony, hey, Tony, look at me. Do you want me to call the nurse? They said you might need-“
Tony licked his cracked lips, and Steve shut up to give him the space to talk. “You draw the short straw, Cap?”
Even as rough as his voice was he could hear the deliberate lightness to it, Tony doing his best not to hope. It jabbed at Steve’s heart, scraping at the edges of leftover hurt from everything that had happened with the girl. It was still there, still twinging if he thought about it, but all the time it dwindled.
Steve reached over for the cup of ice he’d kept periodically refilling, bypassed the spoon and scooped a few onto his fingers.
“Here. You might have an IV, but you still need water. And no, that’s not why I’m here.” He held his fingers to Tony’s lips, grateful that he took it even if it was tentative. The flick of his tongue against Steve’s fingers was so light, so unlike Tony’s usual deliberation with him. Even light, the heat it sparked under his skin still danced its way all through his body, a wonderfully familiar spread of warmth.
“You really are the most devoted mother hen I’ve ever seen. Seriously, most devoted mother anything; I don’t even think a grizzly has one up on you.” The scratch in his throat had to hurt, and Steve made a note in his head that after the talked, he needed to call the nurse for some hot tea. Well, maybe coffee. Tony would be desperate for coffee. Still, after.
“A compliment, though I’ve seen a mother horse that could probably give a grizzly a run for its money, but also not why I’m here.” He dug some more ice chips out of the Dixie cup, easing them into Tony’s mouth and wiping a droplet off his lip with his thumb. “I’m here because there’s no way I could stand to be anywhere else. Not if I can help it; not when you’re here and you need me.”
“I’m fine; I’ve-“
“No, don’t tell me you’ve had worse and don’t tell me you’re fine; I didn’t say that to imply you’re a burden, Tony. You’re not. I just mean that…” That I love you, irrationally, probably insanely, but that doesn’t exactly matter because what does is that I really, really love you.
Tony was carefully studying the fraying blanket pulled up against his chest, and Steve used the pause he was trying to collect his thoughts in to reach out and snag Tony’s hand. It didn’t exactly help with the thought collecting, but it did make him feel better.
“I’m not saying I’m not hurt; I’m not even saying I understand all the way because I really don’t. If there was something about us bothering you, something about it that set you on edge I don’t know why you didn’t think you could come to me; you can. But the point is, I’m hurt, and yeah I was mad, of course I was mad; I still am. Neither of those things have anything to do with the fact that I love you. And when it comes right down to it, that one’s more important. So if you tell me you made a mistake, if you tell me you didn’t mean this and you want it to be me and you, then I’ll do everything I can to believe you. I may not be great at it today or tomorrow or for God knows how long, but I can tell you I’m trying to trust that, to put that faith in you. But if we’re going to do this-and I’m telling you, I absolutely want to-then you’re got to put faith in me too, Tony. You’ve got to stop waiting for me to run out on you, planning what your life is gonna be like when I disappear. I’m not going to disappear, and if this is going to work, you’ve got to stop pushing me away. Cause that? That’s the only thing I can’t do anything about. I can handle the rest; I know you think you’re a wreck, but I’m actually not all that put together myself. But if you won’t let me in, then there’s nothing I can do. Everything’s up to you.”
Tony’s eyes were nearly shut, and even though he was clearly fighting it by the way they hadn’t yet fallen, Steve could see the heaviness of tears lingering at the bottom of them. Steve gave him time, and he managed to rein it back in, his throat working as he swallowed until he could get himself pulled together. He didn’t have to, God he absolutely didn’t have to, but he knew Tony well enough to know that to him, it would’ve been a loss in the near constant battle with himself if he shed tears now.
“Yeah, I can do that. I want that, with you, I…I’m not good at this, Steve, I’m horrible at it, but believe it or not I am trying my best and-“
“I know that, Tony, I do.”
“-I’ll get better; I get better at everything. Well, most everything. Sometimes hey, talent’s talent, what can I say, but for the most part, I’m all for improvements, revisions…I can do that. I can try. I can…” His voice had been something close to confidant at first, so hopeful it rode that into a little extra strength but the more he talked, the weaker it got. “It’s just, I don’t have illusions about what I am. Damaged doesn’t even begin to describe it, I’m reassembled, literally, and I mean carrying that metaphor a little farther, the pieces weren’t that great to begin with. I’ve already dragged Pepper down with me; I think at this point she’s beyond help, but you’re not, and I can’t help but think-“
“Tony.” He squeezed the hand he held just a little harder than he normally would have, drew Tony’s focus as he twined their fingers together and tugged that hand to his lips to press a kiss against the cut from the workshop. “I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you want me to.”
“Fuck no.” It came out hoarse, eager and a little desperate, and Steve’s lips lingered on his skin.
“Good.” He shifted his grip, left another soft kiss just where the IV catheter disappeared under Tony’s skin. He loved Tony’s hands. “So…some reporter down on the street for last night’s disaster took a picture of me with you before they took you away, so now we’re front page news. And I kind of told Clint to tell Coulson not to try to control it.”
“Kind of?”
“Alright, nothing ambiguous about it; I did. I’ve been around you and your answers for too long.” He tried for light but there was a tightness in his chest that wouldn’t settle until Tony answered, an uncertainty he’d had since not too long after Clint had left. He’d told Clint he didn’t care what they knew and that was true, he didn’t. Before, though, it had always been Tony hiding it so carefully, always Tony who was adamant they couldn’t tell and while it had always felt like a move to protect him and his image and that was what Tony had said, the more he thought about it the more he realized that wasn’t a choice he should’ve made alone. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask you, I was just so angry; they were talking about how we had this illicit relationship, like it was some horrible catastrophe when the thing they should’ve noticed was how badly you were hurt. I couldn’t stand it.” Still couldn’t, really. The first reporter to ask him about it and use the word ‘illicit’ was going to get an earful.
“Pepper’s gonna kill me for not warning her. God, don’t tell her I’m awake yet; tell her I’m in a coma. For like, five years. That should give her enough time.” He was smiling, almost laughing but he drew up short from that, wincing, “Shit, this hurts, everything hurts; I can’t believe I nearly got eaten by a lizard. I’m never going to live this down, am I?” Nowhere in there had he answered, not a single word about how he felt about them being out, and he must’ve been able to read Steve’s worry in his eyes because he pulled the ramble up short. “Hey, it’s ok. It’s really ok. I was never worried about me. They’ve had pictures of me in a thousand worse positions, trust me; shots of me doing all kinds of things I regretted. You, there’s nothing there to regret so it’s not like I even feel like they’ve ‘got’ something on me; I mean please, this isn’t news, you’re right, this shouldn’t be news. But the thing is, I’m already pretty much the guy you don’t necessarily want your kid to grow up to be; I may be successful but a lot of my fuck ups have been pretty public. I may be Iron Man, and they love me for it, but it’s not like I’m a shining example of morality. You, on the other hand, are pretty much literally the embodiment of America, and I’m pretty sure the thought of you fucking anyone, much less me, isn’t gonna go over well, and most of that’s gonna come down on you. But if it’s bothering you-“
Yes, it was.
“-and this is something you want-“
More than anything, yes.
“-then alright, yes. Let ‘em try to come after us. You know, the mindfuck of all of this might actually be good for people, though be prepared for some nasty shit. A good majority of those below the Mason-Dixon line are probably burning their Captain America hoodies right now.”
He couldn’t say that didn’t hurt him, couldn’t say that there probably wouldn’t be a hell of a lot more in the coming days that would hurt him even more, but none of that would even mean that he regretted it. He’d meant what he said to Clint; he was ashamed of Tony, and he wasn’t about to start being ashamed of him just because some close minded people couldn’t accept what the two of them had. He was from the 40’s for God’s sakes; if he could accept everyone, so could they. Granted, he’d always known he had that potential for attraction to men in himself so he’d had a leg up there, but all the same, even if he hadn’t known how it felt, he would’ve never spoke a word of condemnation to those that did. It just wasn’t how he’d been raised, wasn’t what he’d grown up believing. He believed in a God that loved the world he’d created and in a country that set out to make itself a safe haven for the harassed and hunted. Neither of those values fit with the way so many people who claimed adherence to both continued to behave.
His lips shifted to Tony’s knuckles, all his attention on the bruises there until he realized Tony was still quiet, maybe still waiting for an answer or maybe just tired, but he looked up to find Tony watching him, a real smile on his face that reached all the way to his eyes. That was Steve’s favorite, the smile most paparazzi had never been able to capture even if they snagged his picture a hundred times. It was beautiful and all too rare and Steve loved searching it out.
“So…”
“Yeah?”
“We’re really ok?”
“We will be, yeah.” There were still images he was trying to shake, still worries, still doubts but those would fade. The more important things, they wouldn’t.
“Then come here.” He used Steve’s grip on his hand to lead him up out of his chair, in closer where Tony could use his free hand to cup Steve’s jaw and pull him in for a kiss. Tony’s lips were still so dry, rough and probably painful but he was as eager as ever, and though for a single heartbeat Steve wondered if he’d kissed her too, the slide of his tongue into Tony’s mouth brushed it all defiantly away. Tony whimpered like he’d been starved for Steve’s taste, slid his hand down to Steve’s neck where he could get a proper grip, his nails digging into Steve’s skin with a bite that only served to pump arousal through him. Alcohol he might have resistance too, and sure, he might never be able to get much use out of pain meds again, but Tony, he was a drug with a rush that could bring Steve to his knees.
He shifted the kiss, let Tony gasp for air against his lips for a second before slanting his mouth back over Tony’s, shifting their angle to get him just a little deeper. He could never have enough of Tony’s tongue against his, of the ache of desire that came with it or the way Tony melted toward him, drawn by Steve’s kiss like he couldn’t help himself.
He wanted it to go on, to plunder Tony’s mouth until the sounds he made were so desperate Steve couldn’t deny him, couldn’t deny them both. He wanted to take Tony right there, to cover Tony’s body with his own like he hadn’t been able to when Tony needed and him and take care of him in at least one way that he could, to make him feel and let him rest after. He wanted at least to pull the covers down and take Tony into his mouth, to take in the concentrated taste that was just Tony and feel those talented hands rhythmically gripping at his hair as Tony moaned and struggled against the urge to thrust into the wet heat of his mouth. He wasn’t very good at it yet, he didn’t think. Nothing like Tony, and he blushed still, he knew, but Tony fell apart for him when he did it, babbling and crying out his name and coming so hard he shook. Since all of that was the point anyway, he must’ve been doing something right.
He wanted all of it, and he couldn’t have any of it. Tony had stiches and staples and freshly bound up internal injuries, and even if Tony would’ve protested that a blowjob was light enough or that more making out wouldn’t kill him, Steve couldn’t justify it to himself, not when he knew he was too biased by the press of his own cock against his jeans.
Pulling back was horribly hard, and he tempered it with a last light kiss against Tony’s damp lips.
“I have to call your doctor. She needs to come back and look you over now that you’re awake.”
“You can do it for her. I suggest you be thorough.”
He chuckled, breath brushing Tony’s skin as he kissed the edge of his beard. “And the team. They’re worried sick about you.”
“Send them a text; they’ll live. Besides, I told you, we’re not telling Pepper I’m up. She’ll kill me, and isn’t that kind of the opposite of what you want right now?”
“Not funny, Tony.”
“I beg to differ, mortal peril is always funny. You need a better outlook. But hey, that reminds me, thank you for carrying my ass out of there, after the um, lizard bite. God, there’s literally no way that will ever cease to sound ridiculous. Unless we deal with something more ridiculous, in which case we should seriously reevaluate this job.”
“Don’t thank me for that.” The kiss he stole then absolutely had to be the last, because the pull to just find a way to fit beside him in that bed was getting more irresistible by the minute. “But let me go, ok? I’ll be right back. Just gonna go find a nurse.”
After the nurse and the doctor, after Steve had called back home to let everyone know Tony was awake and talking and absolutely himself, Tony fell back into an exhausted sleep. He hadn’t even stayed awake long enough to eat, of course, but that was alright, because Steve would be there to remind him when he woke up. After some maneuvering and creative chord shifting, Steve managed to slide in bed beside him, loosened the covers to drape over both of them. He almost looped his arm around Tony’s waist before he remembered just now much everything hurt, and he settled instead for letting his hand rest on the arc reactor, the weight of his arm not pressing on any major wounds. In his sleep Tony sighed, easy and content, and when his head instinctively turned left Steve kissed him, light enough that he wouldn’t wake him.
“Goodnight, Tony.” Closing his eyes, he fell asleep to the beep of the monitors.