Cassie has a fem moment
When I was a kid I wanted a Barbie, but my parents wouldn't get me one because my mother felt there was something inherently sexist about them. I remember calling Santa (I don't know if this is still done, but there used to be a 976 number you could call during the holiday season where you heard a pre-recorded message from Santa that changed every day) and after hearing his daily message I would stay on the line even though no one was really there and tell him I wanted a Barbie.
I was talking to my mother about this recently (not about the phone calls, just the Barbie stuff) and she said that I never really told her that I wanted one. If I'd been persistent, she probably would have gotten one for me eventually. But the reason I never argued with her was that deep down inside I felt that all of her reasons for disliking Barbie were completely valid and that I shouldn't have one.
I've told people parts of this story before, but I always left out the fact that I wanted one. I just told people that my parents wouldn't get me one and left it at that. It's because I still feel like I should be ashamed of that fact that I would want this thing, this doll that has tortured women for years into thinking that they're not thin enough, or blond enough, or busty enough. In a way my story has always been a source of pride, because I enjoy the looks that I've gotten from people who can't understand why anyone would avoid getting their daughter Barbie. I've always acted like I was in complete agreement with the anti-Barbie movement, which I am in a way. I wouldn't want one now, and I'd hesitate before giving her to a child. I can recite all the problems with her, just as I could have when I was a kid.
On a side note, I remember Eyeteeth telling me that her parents were like mine, but that her older sister was persistent and they finally told her that they'd get her a Barbie but that she was getting Ballet Barbie because at least she has a job. But Eyeteeth has told me recently that she has no idea what I'm talking about and that her parents never said anything of the sort. I know it wasn't my parents, so now I'm left to wonder how this got into my head at all.
My Barbie-less childhood has been in my head a lot recently. It's a reminder that the ideals to which I aspire are not always my desires. And that sometimes I will decide to act proud of aspects of who I am not because I'm proud, but because I realise that they are things I can't change so I may as well act like I like them.
Unfortunately, it's also a reminder that sometimes there are things I want but I won't ask for them because I've convinced myself that I don't really deserve them or that they're not the sorts of things I should be asking for anyway. I try to talk myself out of wanting, and by doing so talk myself out of asking. I suppose it's a fear that if I ask, I still won't get, and then I will have admitted that I want. And once I've admitted that I want something, I can't act like I'm proud to not have it and have to admit that the reason I must live without it is because whoever can give me what I desire just won't do it and it's not because they don't know what I want.
I was talking to my mother about this recently (not about the phone calls, just the Barbie stuff) and she said that I never really told her that I wanted one. If I'd been persistent, she probably would have gotten one for me eventually. But the reason I never argued with her was that deep down inside I felt that all of her reasons for disliking Barbie were completely valid and that I shouldn't have one.
I've told people parts of this story before, but I always left out the fact that I wanted one. I just told people that my parents wouldn't get me one and left it at that. It's because I still feel like I should be ashamed of that fact that I would want this thing, this doll that has tortured women for years into thinking that they're not thin enough, or blond enough, or busty enough. In a way my story has always been a source of pride, because I enjoy the looks that I've gotten from people who can't understand why anyone would avoid getting their daughter Barbie. I've always acted like I was in complete agreement with the anti-Barbie movement, which I am in a way. I wouldn't want one now, and I'd hesitate before giving her to a child. I can recite all the problems with her, just as I could have when I was a kid.
On a side note, I remember Eyeteeth telling me that her parents were like mine, but that her older sister was persistent and they finally told her that they'd get her a Barbie but that she was getting Ballet Barbie because at least she has a job. But Eyeteeth has told me recently that she has no idea what I'm talking about and that her parents never said anything of the sort. I know it wasn't my parents, so now I'm left to wonder how this got into my head at all.
My Barbie-less childhood has been in my head a lot recently. It's a reminder that the ideals to which I aspire are not always my desires. And that sometimes I will decide to act proud of aspects of who I am not because I'm proud, but because I realise that they are things I can't change so I may as well act like I like them.
Unfortunately, it's also a reminder that sometimes there are things I want but I won't ask for them because I've convinced myself that I don't really deserve them or that they're not the sorts of things I should be asking for anyway. I try to talk myself out of wanting, and by doing so talk myself out of asking. I suppose it's a fear that if I ask, I still won't get, and then I will have admitted that I want. And once I've admitted that I want something, I can't act like I'm proud to not have it and have to admit that the reason I must live without it is because whoever can give me what I desire just won't do it and it's not because they don't know what I want.