Lauren
Ugh... Lauren!
I'm writing this in here cause I just wanna tell YOU and writing it all out in myspace just makes it so everyone else can see it... but still...
If you've seen my newest Myspace entry then that will kind of let you know how i'm feeling.
My father really hurt me. Really really really. I honestly can't say what else I expected, but this came out of no where and fast. As you know, I'm already mad at him for disappearing and such now that he has a new girlfriend. Well NOW, I guess Trish was reading my Myspace entries and came across the first "letter to dad" and basically told on me. I got the impression from my brother (which is how I found out that Trish had read it and Brad was pissed... oh yeah, I'm calling him Brad now cause he can't be my father anymore), that Trish completely twisted what I had to say. So after I got off the phone with my brother I called Brad (that feels good to say) and got bombarded with yelling. I swear he didn't let me say a thing. Just kept saying how I better take my entry down cause if its not gone by tomorrow then he's d-o-n-e done (he kept spelling that out..) and he kept throwing out that if it ever happens again that he's going to sue me. Even though I know he's just trying to bully me. Brad was like, "someone called me really upset and hurt" and I was like, "you mean Trish" .... Big pause... "She's going to check in the morning to make sure that its gone" and I told him that I wouldn't take it down. He started swearing and yelling at me and repeating the spelling of 'done' and 'feel' and at the end told me that I don't "know what a fucking role model is" and I was thinking... "no, thanks to you, I don't" and then finally I just said "I'm not taking it down" and hung up.
Then there's Trish. Who, after hearing my name said over the phone went OFF. I mean, I always knew she hated me... and I don't know what else I expected, and I only called to ask her if she really was the one who told, because I would have liked to have had the same curtosy extended to me before she ratted on me to my father. She called me the worst names and said the most horrible stuff! I mean, being friends with John/Nick, I've heard some vile things. But this was worse. She called me a "crazy psycho bitch" about a million times... said something about the fact that I'm a smart girl and I need to stop living off the government and pretending because its getting old... she said I was the worst person she'd ever know... I was insane... I have severe mental issues that need to get worked out.... How could I say that about Brad (which I finally talked and said, "Look, I imagine that my father was a great boyfriend to you and a good father to your kids, but I knew him 16 years before you did.. he wasn't the same) which just kicked up some more ish and she said that I was a liar and all I ever did was disrespect and steal from you (which I interjected with , "Uh... I didn't steal your right... Even Missy was there to tell you she bought it for me) and she said "you're such a liar... you've disrespected me and god knows what else you've taken from me" and she said a LOT of other BS in a really short amount of time. And even though I know that what she said doesn't matter... and it doesn't... I didn't walk away, or wake up now, and think that I was those things... but she put such a huge weight of hate on my shoulders. I can honestly say I've never felt so much hate in my life. I was just crushed.
So you know what I did? This morning (I woke up at 3 in the morning cause I couldn't sleep... I was too hurt) and wrote a whole other letter. So I hope they all read it cause I meant it.
But I'm done, you know? Just over my dad. I can't love him anymore... and I always said that if this happens again that I won't participate anymore. and I won't... But it makes me sad. He just broke my heart. It was like he took how I felt and instead of saying, "We should talk about this and I'm angry you're talking about me publicly" he just threatened me and swore at me. And while his actions or response didn't surprise me... it was disappointing nonetheless. He really broke my heart.
I spent last night just sobbing. You know those terrible sobs that just overcome your body? I've never had my heart broken or been hurt like that before. I didn't need this, and I can't believe him. I wish that I could punch him in the face and slap Trish. Stuff like this isn't supposed to happen because of your dad. Not your dad. I have no idea how to go about moving on from this. No idea.
Ugh. I'm so angry and I'm so hurt. I can't even handle it.
But thanks for "listening"... I wanted to tell you now before I got all sidetracked (i'm going to be away for most of today, so if you try calling and i'm not home thats why)... and before you heard it from someone else... since I know that's happened to us before.
I love you... Thanks
I'm writing this in here cause I just wanna tell YOU and writing it all out in myspace just makes it so everyone else can see it... but still...
If you've seen my newest Myspace entry then that will kind of let you know how i'm feeling.
My father really hurt me. Really really really. I honestly can't say what else I expected, but this came out of no where and fast. As you know, I'm already mad at him for disappearing and such now that he has a new girlfriend. Well NOW, I guess Trish was reading my Myspace entries and came across the first "letter to dad" and basically told on me. I got the impression from my brother (which is how I found out that Trish had read it and Brad was pissed... oh yeah, I'm calling him Brad now cause he can't be my father anymore), that Trish completely twisted what I had to say. So after I got off the phone with my brother I called Brad (that feels good to say) and got bombarded with yelling. I swear he didn't let me say a thing. Just kept saying how I better take my entry down cause if its not gone by tomorrow then he's d-o-n-e done (he kept spelling that out..) and he kept throwing out that if it ever happens again that he's going to sue me. Even though I know he's just trying to bully me. Brad was like, "someone called me really upset and hurt" and I was like, "you mean Trish" .... Big pause... "She's going to check in the morning to make sure that its gone" and I told him that I wouldn't take it down. He started swearing and yelling at me and repeating the spelling of 'done' and 'feel' and at the end told me that I don't "know what a fucking role model is" and I was thinking... "no, thanks to you, I don't" and then finally I just said "I'm not taking it down" and hung up.
Then there's Trish. Who, after hearing my name said over the phone went OFF. I mean, I always knew she hated me... and I don't know what else I expected, and I only called to ask her if she really was the one who told, because I would have liked to have had the same curtosy extended to me before she ratted on me to my father. She called me the worst names and said the most horrible stuff! I mean, being friends with John/Nick, I've heard some vile things. But this was worse. She called me a "crazy psycho bitch" about a million times... said something about the fact that I'm a smart girl and I need to stop living off the government and pretending because its getting old... she said I was the worst person she'd ever know... I was insane... I have severe mental issues that need to get worked out.... How could I say that about Brad (which I finally talked and said, "Look, I imagine that my father was a great boyfriend to you and a good father to your kids, but I knew him 16 years before you did.. he wasn't the same) which just kicked up some more ish and she said that I was a liar and all I ever did was disrespect and steal from you (which I interjected with , "Uh... I didn't steal your right... Even Missy was there to tell you she bought it for me) and she said "you're such a liar... you've disrespected me and god knows what else you've taken from me" and she said a LOT of other BS in a really short amount of time. And even though I know that what she said doesn't matter... and it doesn't... I didn't walk away, or wake up now, and think that I was those things... but she put such a huge weight of hate on my shoulders. I can honestly say I've never felt so much hate in my life. I was just crushed.
So you know what I did? This morning (I woke up at 3 in the morning cause I couldn't sleep... I was too hurt) and wrote a whole other letter. So I hope they all read it cause I meant it.
But I'm done, you know? Just over my dad. I can't love him anymore... and I always said that if this happens again that I won't participate anymore. and I won't... But it makes me sad. He just broke my heart. It was like he took how I felt and instead of saying, "We should talk about this and I'm angry you're talking about me publicly" he just threatened me and swore at me. And while his actions or response didn't surprise me... it was disappointing nonetheless. He really broke my heart.
I spent last night just sobbing. You know those terrible sobs that just overcome your body? I've never had my heart broken or been hurt like that before. I didn't need this, and I can't believe him. I wish that I could punch him in the face and slap Trish. Stuff like this isn't supposed to happen because of your dad. Not your dad. I have no idea how to go about moving on from this. No idea.
Ugh. I'm so angry and I'm so hurt. I can't even handle it.
But thanks for "listening"... I wanted to tell you now before I got all sidetracked (i'm going to be away for most of today, so if you try calling and i'm not home thats why)... and before you heard it from someone else... since I know that's happened to us before.
I love you... Thanks