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heres a piece of writing i took out of a good book entitled the bust guide to the new girl order. It's called "donts for boys" and is written by betty boob, miss mara, john-boy, jimmie C-A-Go-Go. Read this: it's excellent and i took the time to write it out in here so it MUST be good :)
i hope you guys like it. it's from one of my FAVORITE books so anyone who's close to me and or is female will love reading this..as well as any boys who want tips ;) just look at the starred ones...cause.....
i will star (*) the ones that i think are important! :)
in the beginning (before the relationship stage..aka the getting to know you phase)
- if you like me, ask me out. we're not in high school anymore. if i liked you, i'd ask you out.
*if we go on a first date, and it doesn't go well, dont bother with "i'll call you" leave gracefully.
-if we fuck on the first date, it doesn't mean i am waiting for an engagement ring to appear on the second date.
-sex out of the gate is tough stuff all the way around. thats a fact. maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was bliss, maybe it was the booze, but whatever it was, lets not ignore it. maybe we'll just be friends or maybe we'll never see eachother again but at least we'll know.
-dont use being drunk as an excuse for "accidentally" kissing me. if you kiss me, drunk or not, you have a BIG KISS to deal with.
*call me when you say you're going to call. because, otherwise, i will wait for you to call. and thats not nice.
*dont call me if you haven't gotten over your last girlfriend/boyfriend/mother. i'm not an understudy for psycho-romantic-drama
*dont lie. i am a professional - i can smell a lie a mile away. you see, i wrote the manual.
*dont play footsie over dinner and then behave like nothing has transpired. hello, have you not seen flashdance?
*dont tell my friends that you think i'm cool and special unless you mean it. remember the rule of telephone: you tell my friends, they tell me. i end up thinking you're cool and special. then, when you dont do anything i'll be forced to realize you're not.
- if you're bi, tell me up front. if you're confused about your sexuality, dont take it out on me or get me entangled in your web of confusion. plus, if i dig it, think of all the fun junk we could do together.
- dont monopolize the conversations with anecdotes about yourself (unless they're really funny). remember to chat. asking questions out of sincere interest is very attractive.
*dont use the i'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship excuse. cause then i'll think you're trying to get rid of me by relying on stale, uninspired stock phrases
-dont screen my calls. it's wierd, creepy, and lame
-do not pretend you like me in order to fuck me. if you want to f uck me, tell me. i can engage in sexual discourse without becoming emotionally attached. i can always use a boy toy.
*do not tell me that you want to spend the weekend with me and then call me at 10:30 on a thursday night to bail. or not call at all. i wont be devastated/emotionally crushed if you dont want to hang out. of course i will be dissapointed, but being blown off/dissed is much less damaging than not knowing and wondering why why why. the later is based on deception , which does not alllow for resolution of feelings. the former is based on honesty which demands closure.
*dont kiss and tell. but because i know you will, you slob. do me the favour of not degrading me. if you can remember to mention that i'm cool or funny or smart and that you're super lucky to even be telling your friend about my naked-action, you'll at least not be adding insult to the injury
*if we live in different cities, and we know we are attracted to eachother, dont get all huffy on me when i ask , "so when will you be in town again?"
*dont be afraid of falling in like with me just because i live in a different city. long distance romances have their advantages. sure it is hard to base your feelings on phone calls, but look at all the fun parts of a long distance romance: we dont have to see eachother all the time, it allows for complete exploitation of one's own sexual freedom, and dont forget the keyword in romance - anticipation.
*dont be afraid to fall in like with me, you big baby!
the relationship
- dont pester me with lame ass questions like where is this relationship going? a relationship is a dynamic and vital form of expression, not a bad plotline or two lost motorists.
(stop whining about taking a blood test, especially if you have had needles in your arms for recreational use. i need to e safe about my sex and i aint got time for your pre-me irresponsible behavior or your lame ass questions.
*if we get into a long distance romance, do not freak out when you ring me up at 3am my time and i am not there. i have a life too, but that does not mean i am out somewhere having sex with someone else.
-dont get all bent out of shape if i earn more money than you. it's either old school machismo or new school oversensitivity. just hang bud lunch is on me. Today.
-dont try to one up me. if my week was crazy, dont insist yours was crazier. if mine was fantastic, dont insist yours was fantastic-er. be supportive. that always works wonders.
-dont go on tour with your stupid band, on a boring business trip, or your annual family vay-kay and only call me when you feel like it.
-dont borrow my car to cheat on me. i dont want to make payments on the source of a painful memory
*dont tell me you were drunk and dont know how you ended up in some girls bed naked with a couple of used condoms strewn around.
-dont call me a jealous freak and thena ct all jealous when you see me cracking up with other boys.
*dont tell me you are having lunch with her so you wont hurt her feelings. you're not that nice, she's not that weak, and ~I~ am not that stupid.
*dont tell me in an exasperated tone that you have told her over and over again never to call. heres a thought: if you hang up, she wont call back!
*dont come home from a vacation with: hickeys on your neck, strange underwear in your suitcase, receipts from victorias secret, a box of condoms with a bunch missing, an unexpected rash, or scratches on your back.
- do come home from vacation lovesick for me with a big cool present and a bouncy hard on
-dont squeeze my juicy butt at parties to prove you own me. squeeze it at home to prove you want me, right now.
*dont forget to introduce me to your friends, unless you know i wont like him/her. in which case, hey, thanks!
-dont try to get the waitresses phone number while i'm at the table or wait til i go to the bathroom then immediately break up with me upon my return.
*dont show all the naked pictures you've taken of me to your loser friends.
*dont pretend you were out with the boys last night when i know for a fact that you weren't
-dont put your friends before me. it's me me me first first first. always.
*dont put my choice of friends down. remember, i never let them put you down, CLOWN!
-dont act like we never talked about going to the virgin isles together. i'm rarely given to complete delusion
-no carnations or single red roses. not that i want to be your personal emily post, but they're corny.
-dont order me diet food while i am in the bathroom. order me cake. something with chocolate fudge would be great
*dont tell me : not to get hysterical, not to overreact, that i am imagining things, that i am on the rat
*dont forget my birthday for god's sake
*do not raise your voice or it will only put me off and make me want to remain silent while you lose control of yourself, at which point you will not longer be in control - you'll just be wound up.
-please please please do not get possessive. nothing scares a girl off faster than a possessive partner. if i am having lunch with a colleague and bump into my ex lover at their office, it does not mean i stole a quickie in the bathroom while my colleague was getting her coat. please. this cannot be stressed enough. if i am with you, there is a reason. especially if i am no longer with him.
sex
*do not ever fuck me, come inside me, and then say "i gotta go" 'cause if you do, YOU'D BETTER.
*do not fuck me on a sunday and not call me till wednesday. call me on monday. remember this little rhyme: sunday called monday in oneday
*morning breath is not a disease. we both have it, so get over it and kiss me when we wake up together
*dont touch all the good parts while i'm sleeping unless it's with intent to wake me up
-dont sniff my undies, it creeps me out
-dont keep telling me your parents wont hear us
*dont ask me to fuck your friends.
*your not ejaculating is a mystery to me and a source of extreme anxiety about my body, so if it happens, bear with me and help me realize that it's not because i am unattractive or unsexy
*dont ask me how many guys i've slept with
*dont ever try to have sex with me with your socks on. it makes me think of woody allen and richard nixon. and look at them.
*"dont touch" doesn't mean "wait touch"
*dont forget that foreplay means the play before and play is fun
*it's embaressing for both of us when the equipment doesn't work, but i still dont understand the mechanics of it all. i'll still like you if you 'splain stuff , so tell me.
*dont forget that my nipples are not detachable,, nor can they tune in tokyo
-dont get uptight if i want to masturbate. help or watch. it looks pretty cool
*dont ask me to count my orgasms after we do it.
***dont tellme how any of your old girlfriends "did anything" put that stupid shoe on the other foot and see how ugly it looks
-big boys be gentle
-dont tell me i'm cute when i'm trying to be sexy. pay attention.
*dont have sexx while you're answering the phone. get me?
*dont say "thanks it was fun"
-dont get lost in the mighty jungle. remember what dracula said? look into my eyes. ditto here. when you're going down on me, ook up. let me see your eyes, it'll turn me on more.
-the more the merrier, just remember to invite me.
*dont be intimidated by my vibrator
-kinky is good, scary is not
-bring me to a hoo-ha and i will be yours forever
-finger condoms help keep, um dirt from..collecting under your fingernails. invest (i dont understand this one. why would someone wear finger condoms when they're touching someone they care about? gimme a break.)
*dont use the following excuses to get out of spending the night with me: have to get up early, curfew, roomate may get lonely, must walk dog.
-dont tell me to go down on you first if you are planning to absolutely not go down on me.
-dont ask me to swallow anything you wouldn't swallow yourself.
*dont tell me that: condoms dont fit, condoms dont feel good, you're allergic.
*sex during my period? ask me if i'm in the mood. see what happens
-dont watch tv during sex unless it's porn
*dont ask me if you're the best. it's not a contest.
-dont tell me this wont hurt.
-dont tell me you can pull out on time.
(do not call me by any other womans name
*dont tell me i'm not wet enough like it's an insult
*dont ever ask me if my trip to the gynecologist is a turn on
*do not insist on videotaping our sexcapades. if you want to make me your fucking costar, ask me if i'd like the part
*if you can't come with a condom on, warn me. i may take it personally otherwise
*cuddling is an art form. master it.
i hope you guys like it. it's from one of my FAVORITE books so anyone who's close to me and or is female will love reading this..as well as any boys who want tips ;) just look at the starred ones...cause.....
i will star (*) the ones that i think are important! :)
in the beginning (before the relationship stage..aka the getting to know you phase)
- if you like me, ask me out. we're not in high school anymore. if i liked you, i'd ask you out.
*if we go on a first date, and it doesn't go well, dont bother with "i'll call you" leave gracefully.
-if we fuck on the first date, it doesn't mean i am waiting for an engagement ring to appear on the second date.
-sex out of the gate is tough stuff all the way around. thats a fact. maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was bliss, maybe it was the booze, but whatever it was, lets not ignore it. maybe we'll just be friends or maybe we'll never see eachother again but at least we'll know.
-dont use being drunk as an excuse for "accidentally" kissing me. if you kiss me, drunk or not, you have a BIG KISS to deal with.
*call me when you say you're going to call. because, otherwise, i will wait for you to call. and thats not nice.
*dont call me if you haven't gotten over your last girlfriend/boyfriend/mother. i'm not an understudy for psycho-romantic-drama
*dont lie. i am a professional - i can smell a lie a mile away. you see, i wrote the manual.
*dont play footsie over dinner and then behave like nothing has transpired. hello, have you not seen flashdance?
*dont tell my friends that you think i'm cool and special unless you mean it. remember the rule of telephone: you tell my friends, they tell me. i end up thinking you're cool and special. then, when you dont do anything i'll be forced to realize you're not.
- if you're bi, tell me up front. if you're confused about your sexuality, dont take it out on me or get me entangled in your web of confusion. plus, if i dig it, think of all the fun junk we could do together.
- dont monopolize the conversations with anecdotes about yourself (unless they're really funny). remember to chat. asking questions out of sincere interest is very attractive.
*dont use the i'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship excuse. cause then i'll think you're trying to get rid of me by relying on stale, uninspired stock phrases
-dont screen my calls. it's wierd, creepy, and lame
-do not pretend you like me in order to fuck me. if you want to f uck me, tell me. i can engage in sexual discourse without becoming emotionally attached. i can always use a boy toy.
*do not tell me that you want to spend the weekend with me and then call me at 10:30 on a thursday night to bail. or not call at all. i wont be devastated/emotionally crushed if you dont want to hang out. of course i will be dissapointed, but being blown off/dissed is much less damaging than not knowing and wondering why why why. the later is based on deception , which does not alllow for resolution of feelings. the former is based on honesty which demands closure.
*dont kiss and tell. but because i know you will, you slob. do me the favour of not degrading me. if you can remember to mention that i'm cool or funny or smart and that you're super lucky to even be telling your friend about my naked-action, you'll at least not be adding insult to the injury
*if we live in different cities, and we know we are attracted to eachother, dont get all huffy on me when i ask , "so when will you be in town again?"
*dont be afraid of falling in like with me just because i live in a different city. long distance romances have their advantages. sure it is hard to base your feelings on phone calls, but look at all the fun parts of a long distance romance: we dont have to see eachother all the time, it allows for complete exploitation of one's own sexual freedom, and dont forget the keyword in romance - anticipation.
*dont be afraid to fall in like with me, you big baby!
the relationship
- dont pester me with lame ass questions like where is this relationship going? a relationship is a dynamic and vital form of expression, not a bad plotline or two lost motorists.
(stop whining about taking a blood test, especially if you have had needles in your arms for recreational use. i need to e safe about my sex and i aint got time for your pre-me irresponsible behavior or your lame ass questions.
*if we get into a long distance romance, do not freak out when you ring me up at 3am my time and i am not there. i have a life too, but that does not mean i am out somewhere having sex with someone else.
-dont get all bent out of shape if i earn more money than you. it's either old school machismo or new school oversensitivity. just hang bud lunch is on me. Today.
-dont try to one up me. if my week was crazy, dont insist yours was crazier. if mine was fantastic, dont insist yours was fantastic-er. be supportive. that always works wonders.
-dont go on tour with your stupid band, on a boring business trip, or your annual family vay-kay and only call me when you feel like it.
-dont borrow my car to cheat on me. i dont want to make payments on the source of a painful memory
*dont tell me you were drunk and dont know how you ended up in some girls bed naked with a couple of used condoms strewn around.
-dont call me a jealous freak and thena ct all jealous when you see me cracking up with other boys.
*dont tell me you are having lunch with her so you wont hurt her feelings. you're not that nice, she's not that weak, and ~I~ am not that stupid.
*dont tell me in an exasperated tone that you have told her over and over again never to call. heres a thought: if you hang up, she wont call back!
*dont come home from a vacation with: hickeys on your neck, strange underwear in your suitcase, receipts from victorias secret, a box of condoms with a bunch missing, an unexpected rash, or scratches on your back.
- do come home from vacation lovesick for me with a big cool present and a bouncy hard on
-dont squeeze my juicy butt at parties to prove you own me. squeeze it at home to prove you want me, right now.
*dont forget to introduce me to your friends, unless you know i wont like him/her. in which case, hey, thanks!
-dont try to get the waitresses phone number while i'm at the table or wait til i go to the bathroom then immediately break up with me upon my return.
*dont show all the naked pictures you've taken of me to your loser friends.
*dont pretend you were out with the boys last night when i know for a fact that you weren't
-dont put your friends before me. it's me me me first first first. always.
*dont put my choice of friends down. remember, i never let them put you down, CLOWN!
-dont act like we never talked about going to the virgin isles together. i'm rarely given to complete delusion
-no carnations or single red roses. not that i want to be your personal emily post, but they're corny.
-dont order me diet food while i am in the bathroom. order me cake. something with chocolate fudge would be great
*dont tell me : not to get hysterical, not to overreact, that i am imagining things, that i am on the rat
*dont forget my birthday for god's sake
*do not raise your voice or it will only put me off and make me want to remain silent while you lose control of yourself, at which point you will not longer be in control - you'll just be wound up.
-please please please do not get possessive. nothing scares a girl off faster than a possessive partner. if i am having lunch with a colleague and bump into my ex lover at their office, it does not mean i stole a quickie in the bathroom while my colleague was getting her coat. please. this cannot be stressed enough. if i am with you, there is a reason. especially if i am no longer with him.
sex
*do not ever fuck me, come inside me, and then say "i gotta go" 'cause if you do, YOU'D BETTER.
*do not fuck me on a sunday and not call me till wednesday. call me on monday. remember this little rhyme: sunday called monday in oneday
*morning breath is not a disease. we both have it, so get over it and kiss me when we wake up together
*dont touch all the good parts while i'm sleeping unless it's with intent to wake me up
-dont sniff my undies, it creeps me out
-dont keep telling me your parents wont hear us
*dont ask me to fuck your friends.
*your not ejaculating is a mystery to me and a source of extreme anxiety about my body, so if it happens, bear with me and help me realize that it's not because i am unattractive or unsexy
*dont ask me how many guys i've slept with
*dont ever try to have sex with me with your socks on. it makes me think of woody allen and richard nixon. and look at them.
*"dont touch" doesn't mean "wait touch"
*dont forget that foreplay means the play before and play is fun
*it's embaressing for both of us when the equipment doesn't work, but i still dont understand the mechanics of it all. i'll still like you if you 'splain stuff , so tell me.
*dont forget that my nipples are not detachable,, nor can they tune in tokyo
-dont get uptight if i want to masturbate. help or watch. it looks pretty cool
*dont ask me to count my orgasms after we do it.
***dont tellme how any of your old girlfriends "did anything" put that stupid shoe on the other foot and see how ugly it looks
-big boys be gentle
-dont tell me i'm cute when i'm trying to be sexy. pay attention.
*dont have sexx while you're answering the phone. get me?
*dont say "thanks it was fun"
-dont get lost in the mighty jungle. remember what dracula said? look into my eyes. ditto here. when you're going down on me, ook up. let me see your eyes, it'll turn me on more.
-the more the merrier, just remember to invite me.
*dont be intimidated by my vibrator
-kinky is good, scary is not
-bring me to a hoo-ha and i will be yours forever
-finger condoms help keep, um dirt from..collecting under your fingernails. invest (i dont understand this one. why would someone wear finger condoms when they're touching someone they care about? gimme a break.)
*dont use the following excuses to get out of spending the night with me: have to get up early, curfew, roomate may get lonely, must walk dog.
-dont tell me to go down on you first if you are planning to absolutely not go down on me.
-dont ask me to swallow anything you wouldn't swallow yourself.
*dont tell me that: condoms dont fit, condoms dont feel good, you're allergic.
*sex during my period? ask me if i'm in the mood. see what happens
-dont watch tv during sex unless it's porn
*dont ask me if you're the best. it's not a contest.
-dont tell me this wont hurt.
-dont tell me you can pull out on time.
(do not call me by any other womans name
*dont tell me i'm not wet enough like it's an insult
*dont ever ask me if my trip to the gynecologist is a turn on
*do not insist on videotaping our sexcapades. if you want to make me your fucking costar, ask me if i'd like the part
*if you can't come with a condom on, warn me. i may take it personally otherwise
*cuddling is an art form. master it.