A Small Tribute to the Best-Worst Movie Ever...
Commando, hands down the best movie that attempts at a serious premise but entertainingly comes off as hilarious. I remember first watching it when I was young, seven or eight, and thinking it was the most kick ass action movie ever. Well, I smarten upped years later and watched it again only to recognize it as the most hilarious movie that tries not to be funny. If you haven't watched it, I recommend watching it with friends. If you don't find it funny, don't complain to me because of your lack of a sense of humour or even personality; that's your problem. If this is the case, do you want to live with that kind of flaw? Studies show that 10 out of 10 people wouldn't live with that kind of fact. End your time. Anyways, on with the great stuff...
Arnold Schwarzenegger as Colonel John Matrix. Don't need much of an explanation here. This is 80s Arnold and will rip your face apart thoroughly. Don't mess. Ever.
Vernon Wells as Bennett. Armed with flabby arms and a face that could kill a blind baby while in a coma he some how manages to take on Arnold and put up a decent fight... How is this possible? Arnold should've caved his neck in within 2 seconds of the fight. No, instead the final fight lasts about 15 minutes filled with pure laughter. He can't even kill him when he has a gun because he's too busy being humiliatingly impaled by a pipe that Arnold cannon launches at him. Oh, to make matters worse, he flaunts around chain mail throughout the whole movie like he's somesort of medival fiend or I guess he's in some sort of gang filled with assinine pussy faces just like him. Sigh, I wish I had chain mail... On a side note, I have no clue what other movies he's been in but his secret identity might be the lead singer from Queen.
Rae Dawn Chong as Annoying Girl That is in Every Action Movie Except You Want her to Die for Speaking. The movie didn't need her. She serves no purpose other than to get Arnold aggravated. Too bad he's too much of a nice guy because I would've kicked her into a pole. What she adds to the movie can easily be replaced. She lends her car to Arnold. So what? He could've taken any car without any annoying woman in it. She helps Arnold escape from an arrest. Big deal. Arnold would've murdered all his adversaries during this arrest eventually. She flies him to the terrorist's island. Arnold could fly if he wanted, he just didn't want her to feel left out and lonely. What a jerk.
Dan Hedaya as Arius. The ring leader of the mighty terrorist army of the country of Val Verde. Gets thoroughly owned by Arnold + Shotgun near the end. Not bad ass funny like Bennet. His picture pretty much sums up his characterization and use to the casualty list.
Alyssa Milano as Matrix's daughter, Jenny. The whole point of the movie unfortunately. I would've just liked it if Arnold one day got pissed and decided to take on a whole terrorist army and blow the shit out of them. No. Instead, they kidnap his daughter because he is the only force that can stop them and they think holding his daughter while making him cooperate and fly to their island captive will render him useless. If you noticed the burning buildings in the background then you know their plan did not work. Instead of just owning the terrorists, he rescued his lame daughter while owning them. Lame but still nothing short of kick ass.
Other characters include David Patrick Kelly who plays Sully and Bill Duke who plays Cooke. They are just filler bad guys for Arnold to kill, but man, do they rock as filler bad guys. Sully is so small and aggravating that you can't help but wait for him to die. Pretty much all the scenes with him are hillarity. Cooke is not far behind, but he is no Sully. I wish I could aqcuire a picture of Sully so you can see what I mean when I say, 'I wish Arnold would have shoved him in a can.'
Best Lines Ever...
Arius: Your father appears to be cooperating. You will be back with him soon. Won't that be nice?
Jenny: Not as nearly as nice as watching him smash your face in.
After throwing a pipe through Bennett.
Matrix: Let off some steam, Bennett.
Sully: Here's twenty dollars to get some drinks in Val Verde. It'll give us all a little more time with your daughter.
Henriques: Heh.
Matrix: You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last.
Holding Sully by his leg over a cliff.
Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That's right, Matrix. You did.
Matrix: I liked
Lets go of Sully.
Sully: Uuuweeewahhhhhhhh!!
Cindy:What happened to Sully?
Matrix: I let him go.
Cooke: You scared motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass.
Matrix: I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry.
Matrix: I'll be back, Bennett.
After killing a man on the plane.
Matrix: Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired.
Mall Security Guard: Attention all units, emergency on theater level, suspect six foot two, brown hair. He is one gigantic motherfucker.
Cooke aims a gun at Matrix.
Cooke: Fuck you asshole.
Click.
Matrix: Fuck you asshole.
Bennett: John, I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes. I'm going to shoot you between the balls.
General Kirby: Leave anything for us?
Matrix: Just bodies.
Cindy: You steal my car, you rip the seat out, you kidnap me, you ask me to help you find your daughter which I very kindly do, and then you get me involved in a shoot out where people are dying and there's blood spurting all over the place, and then I watch you rip a phone booth out of a wall, swing from the ceiling like Tarzan, and then there's a cop that's going to shoot you and I save you and they start chasing me. Are you going to tell me what's going on or what?
Matrix: No.
Matrix: Come on, Bennett, throw away that chicken-shit gun. You don't just want to pull a trigger. Put the knife in me and look me in the eye and see what's going on in there when you turn it.
Diaz: My people got some business with you and if you want your kid back then you gotta cooperate, right?
Matrix: Wrong.
Shoots Diaz in the head.
Sully: Fuckin' whore.
Just for you, sweetcakes...
"Don't give Arnold any shit"
"You tell him."
"Someone shoot her."
"That Sully..."
Go watch this movie NOW! End.