SUPN NCIS FUSION 3: Speed Dating
Title: SUPN NCIS FUSION 3: Speed Dating
Author: whomii2
Rating: R for language and questionable pick-up lines
Genre: crossover/fusion
Characters: Dean, Sam, Bobby, Castiel, Gabriel
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters or the shows.
Spoilers: None
Summary: Supernatural characters as NCIS characters. (Dean=Tony; Sam=McGee; Bobby=Gibbs; Cas=Ziva; Gabriel=Abby).
Word Count: 1018
A/N: : Knowledge of NCIS useful but not mandatory. May be cross-posted
Dean sat and sulked. This was so unfair. He was the undercover specialist and this case was right up his alley. The stabbing deaths of some sailors on leave over the past several weeks had led to suspicions of a serial killer. Sam had discovered that all of the victims had been members of the same online dating service and that the killings had coincided with mixers held by the dating service during the periods when the victims had shore leave. So Sam had created an online persona and they were now ready to send agents in undercover at the various mixers being held this weekend.
Dean thought that chatting up women was totally his forte, but the other team members couldn’t in good conscience see inflicting Dean on that many unsuspecting and innocent women. Besides, the victims had tended to be more “geeky” hence Sam’s crafting of the online persona. But Sam’s hair would never pass for regulation (and he was resistant to sacrificing it for the cause) and there was some concern that his size might be intimidating to their killer. So the undercover assignment fell to Cas, who could totally rock the nerdy look and whose unprepossessing appearance masked his deadly fighting skills. So they put Cas in a naval uniform, slicked down his hair, and gave him a pair of Clark Kent-type glasses with a hidden camera and headed off in the surveillance van to the site of the their assigned speed dating mixer .
While Cas went to register under his pseudonym Sam took up position as backup by posing as a bartender. Dean had pouted again at his exclusion but Dean+women+booze was just asking for trouble. So Dean was relegated to the surveillance van with Bobby and Gabriel. Gabriel had jumped at the chance to come when he heard what the undercover gig was, and there was no way he would trust Bobby or Dean to run the complicated and expensive surveillance equipment in Sam’s place.
They settled in to wait, Cas sitting at his assigned table clutching his beer like a lifeline with his wide blue eyes magnified by his fake glasses. Sam gave Cas an encouraging smile while Dean and Gabriel snickered in the van. Bobby shook his head and focused on his coffee while raising his impenetrable “don’t mess with me aura” to disassociate himself from the idjits in the back of the van.
As the first woman sat at Cas’s table for the round of “dates”, Cas took the advice he had found on Google to open with some interesting facts about himself and in a deep solemn voice intoned:
“Hello, my name is Castiel. I'm single, financially stable, and have a very interesting DNA structure.”
When that didn’t pan out he next tried the advice suggesting breaking the ice with a question:
“Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?”
Gabriel smirked and murmured that Cas could use a little help with the ladies. Dean charged in to the rescue and fed Cas some of his “top-notch, sure-fire, never fail” pick-up lines for the next three women.
“Hey baby, ya wanna get lucky?”
(this got Cas a drink thrown in his face)
“Those are bodacious ta-tas!”
(this unfortunately came out more as a question than a statement, though whether the problem was the “bodaciousness” of the objects refered to or the meaning of the word “ta-tas“ was unclear)
“Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?”
(this victim looked disgusted and left the table before time was called)
When Gabriel stopped laughing he insisted that he feed Cas the lines for the next 3 women. Considering the reactions he had been getting so far, Cas was more than ready for a change:
“My lips are skittles, wanna taste the rainbow?”
(she didn’t)
“You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.”
(Cas’s slow and overly precise enunciation pretty much ruined this line, if such a line could be ruined)
“Baby, you're so sweet, you could put Hershey's out of business. And speaking of Hershey's, can I have a kiss?”
(No)
Sam groaned and said Cas shouldn’t listen to them. Women like romance and Cas should flatter his “dates” and say nice, rather than crude, things. Dean and Gabriel eyed each other and decided to accept the chick-flick moment challenge.
And so it began, Dean and Gabriel alternating feeding Cas pick-up lines for his speed dates, getting progressively more flowery and outlandish, while Sam eyed the liquor surrounding him and mourned that he wasn’t allowed to drink on the job. Bobby continued to ignore his team’s shenanigans.
[Dean suggestion] You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.
[Gabriel suggestion] I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you
[Dean suggestion] Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?
[Gabriel suggestion] You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room
[Dean suggestion] If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
[Gabriel suggestion] If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
[Dean suggestion] Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
[Gabriel suggestion] If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away
[Dean suggestion] When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I want to be a part.
Finally Bobby exclaimed “Balls!” and grumpily left to get more coffee, neglecting to mention that he had just been texted that their killer had been snared by one of the other undercover teams and that the evening had been a total waste.
Afterwards, there was some discussion whether the prolongation of the undercover assignment was a reward or a punishment, as opinions differed amongst those stationed inside and outside the bar.
Epilogue: while the pick-up lines caused Cas to go down in flames with all his speed dates, his seriousness, good manners, and generous tip won a date with the waitress working the mixer. (the uniform and shy smile didn’t hurt either)