(no subject)
i don't belong in this body. that, or i don't belong in this era.
my soul is either that of a young man living in a tom sawyer-esque time or that of an old man. i took a detour today. i was heading toward the computer lab in the student center and decided that i'd rather be somewhere in or around aldrich park. so i went there. sort of. i stopped short of entering the circular path of the park and rested my old fellows on a bench. feeling more relaxed than moments before, i was inclined to recline and stare straight up into the trees, the sky, the life.
the world, i'm convinced, didn't have another person or thing that was experiencing anything close to the sublime experience that i was. i kept my sights on a gap between two trees, where sunlight penetrated and wisps passed through. the sun illuminated the poised puffs as they slowly navigated the air. when i realized what was happening at that moment, i at once decided that that was the most beautiful occurrence in all of the world. that very moment was far beyond anything else happening anywhere else.
it could have been better, i suppose. supposing, i spent it with someone else; that could have been better. at such an occasion, my moment of sublimity would have been not only the most beautiful in the world, but perhaps the universe and time itself. who knows? in the end, the person i wanted next to me wasn't there. so really, it's pretty darn irrelevant.
anyways, i feel like a jerk. today, so far, has been nice. i ran into two people i haven't seen in 2 and 3 years, respectively. for some reason, the one question they both addressed was living situation. odd. but that's not why i feel like a jerk.
my detour today was caused by my retroverted self's reflexes. yep, i'm now the person i was a year ago. a good and bad thing. i'm almost certain this is temporary, but i've definitely gone back to the days where i kept to myself. i suppose this could be good or bad. if you believe in the saying "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down," then it's a good thing. but, i know there exists a person in me that would rather die than be a hermit, so i feel like this is a bad thing. i don't believe in blending in. i don't believe that anyone should have to hide themself. but, for now, i feel like it. i feel like cutting off communication with the outside world. i do this once a year i think, with a different group of friends each time.
anyways...yeah. i saw someone who i wish i could be friends with, but such a thing is dekinai. upon seeing her, i definitely pulled a dick move and went the other direction. i guess this is my way of letting her be happy. perhaps it isn't a dick move then, but a move of unselfish desires.
like always, i want her to be happy. she asked me to let her be happy. so here i am, dodging her. this, i think is the best course of action. i'm a pretty honest guy and i know if i ever spoke with her again, i'd immediately go back to trying to sweep her off her feet. i won't lie and pretend that i don't want to be with her still, but i already promised her i wouldn't romantically pursue her again, so i guess i'm just in prevention mode. if we ever do become friends or anything else for that matter, it's up to her. it's up to her initiative. i've already tried and she doesn't want anything out of it. at the least, i can say i didn't try to avoid it.
there was an elephant in the room, and i wasn't blind to it.
this is my life for the last 2 or 3 weeks. obviously, this mostly recounts today's events. but besides this and that, my days are still the same: they're spent thinking of my friend of not too long ago; they're spent wishing that she called or even came over; they're spent flipping coins into fountains and praying. my days have been the same for the last five months. my days will be the same for the next xxxxxxxxx.
my soul is either that of a young man living in a tom sawyer-esque time or that of an old man. i took a detour today. i was heading toward the computer lab in the student center and decided that i'd rather be somewhere in or around aldrich park. so i went there. sort of. i stopped short of entering the circular path of the park and rested my old fellows on a bench. feeling more relaxed than moments before, i was inclined to recline and stare straight up into the trees, the sky, the life.
the world, i'm convinced, didn't have another person or thing that was experiencing anything close to the sublime experience that i was. i kept my sights on a gap between two trees, where sunlight penetrated and wisps passed through. the sun illuminated the poised puffs as they slowly navigated the air. when i realized what was happening at that moment, i at once decided that that was the most beautiful occurrence in all of the world. that very moment was far beyond anything else happening anywhere else.
it could have been better, i suppose. supposing, i spent it with someone else; that could have been better. at such an occasion, my moment of sublimity would have been not only the most beautiful in the world, but perhaps the universe and time itself. who knows? in the end, the person i wanted next to me wasn't there. so really, it's pretty darn irrelevant.
anyways, i feel like a jerk. today, so far, has been nice. i ran into two people i haven't seen in 2 and 3 years, respectively. for some reason, the one question they both addressed was living situation. odd. but that's not why i feel like a jerk.
my detour today was caused by my retroverted self's reflexes. yep, i'm now the person i was a year ago. a good and bad thing. i'm almost certain this is temporary, but i've definitely gone back to the days where i kept to myself. i suppose this could be good or bad. if you believe in the saying "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down," then it's a good thing. but, i know there exists a person in me that would rather die than be a hermit, so i feel like this is a bad thing. i don't believe in blending in. i don't believe that anyone should have to hide themself. but, for now, i feel like it. i feel like cutting off communication with the outside world. i do this once a year i think, with a different group of friends each time.
anyways...yeah. i saw someone who i wish i could be friends with, but such a thing is dekinai. upon seeing her, i definitely pulled a dick move and went the other direction. i guess this is my way of letting her be happy. perhaps it isn't a dick move then, but a move of unselfish desires.
like always, i want her to be happy. she asked me to let her be happy. so here i am, dodging her. this, i think is the best course of action. i'm a pretty honest guy and i know if i ever spoke with her again, i'd immediately go back to trying to sweep her off her feet. i won't lie and pretend that i don't want to be with her still, but i already promised her i wouldn't romantically pursue her again, so i guess i'm just in prevention mode. if we ever do become friends or anything else for that matter, it's up to her. it's up to her initiative. i've already tried and she doesn't want anything out of it. at the least, i can say i didn't try to avoid it.
there was an elephant in the room, and i wasn't blind to it.
this is my life for the last 2 or 3 weeks. obviously, this mostly recounts today's events. but besides this and that, my days are still the same: they're spent thinking of my friend of not too long ago; they're spent wishing that she called or even came over; they're spent flipping coins into fountains and praying. my days have been the same for the last five months. my days will be the same for the next xxxxxxxxx.