been awhile
since i've posted in this depressant of a journal. unfortunately, i can't bring myself to...how do you say...bring myself to liven this journal up. maybe i want to say...i can't make this a happier journal. but that makes me sound sad. i mean, in more ways than one i am.
i've been silly lately. crazy over a good friend. i do this a lot i suppose. i guess this is the third time i've fallen for someone i could call my best friend. but hey, that's just how i operate. i always believed that the best loverly relationships are born from those awesome friendships. so i guess if you've ever wondered, "wow oliver and her used to be like, best friends...what happened?"
my amazing risk assessment skills happened.
though it never seems to work out, i won't say i regret my actions this times. i'll admit, i probably shouldn't have gone for ms. harding, because when i really think about it, i don't see us meshing well. same with ms. cornwall. i suppose i wanted to believe i could fall for a friend like lauren, but i couldn't bring myself to think of her romantically. as for heather...hell i can't remember what went on in my mind. if i ever had an infatuation, she was it. when i really think about her and how i felt back then, it was a possessive kinda interest. i didn't even think about how she felt. she was even so kind to provide me with space so i could recover. unfortunately, she may have given me too much space because by the time i got over my childish crush we weren't as close as before.
well, this time is different it seems. i could honestly say i love lil miss johnson. funny right? i'm name dropping past gal pals right and left (heather the right and lauren the left) but i choose to use the last name of my most recent heart beholder...a last name synonymous with jane doe.
well...i'm not afraid of who may read this. her name is kaycelyne. kaycelyne johnson. and fuck yes, i still love her. and fuck yes, i have a hell of a time remembering how to spell her name. even the spell checker on this goddamn blog is telling my i'm still wrong. i'm gonna go with my heart and believe that i spelled it right.
wut have i come to? i remember writing really neato blogs of my daily life and i remember even enjoying re-reading those that i had written. like, i knew more words. haha. wow. sad. now i could barely articulate my difficulty with spelling people's names.
anyways, i am very confused on why i decided to write this entry. i don't fucking know. it's late at night. this is what i usually did back then anyways. you know, with that other lj "committsins" if you remember. not many people went to that blog, but it was interesting. all i'd ever do for months after feeling broken by heather (hey no hard feelings, i was very immature) was curse myself and everyone else until twilight came and then i proceeded to curse the aforementioned in that blog.
the idea seems silly now. u know, to hide how i feel. i don't like hiding much anymore you know. like, seriously, ask me any thing. i'll tell you the truth. i've got nothing to hide. sorta. i mean, there is only one secret i have that i won't tell to anyone except for the one who needs to hear it. if you're wondering, that person is a family member.
anyways...i suppose i started this post to vent about ms johnson. well...i dunno. i definitely wrote out her name so people could find it. just google the name. i mean, seriously, her name is one in a billion. there's like...only 6 kaycelynes out there. maybe less. for you see, they've been hunted down for their distinct beauty. sadly, they're poached so the black market can have the most beautiful large eyes and smiles in stock. u know, when i think about it...this is the first time the black market has behaved like the eskimos. i mean, they actually don't just take only those fantastic features of kaycelynes. the truth is, every part, every aspect of the kaycelyne is exceptional in their own right. they take the entire kaycelyne, not wasting any bit of the kaycelyne. seriously, the kaycelyne is sublimely beautiful. or maybe, it's just this specific kaycelyne. yeah, i believe i spotted another with her name and she was hardly par.
anyways...oh yeah...the name is pronounced "case-sa-lin". i think. she sometimes is too nice to even correct a mispronunciation.
well...i've been putting up this awful version of oliver for her to see. seriously. he is kinda cool in some ways, but he's despicable in so many others. did you ever read the brothers karamazov? he's kinda like mitya. he seems to love life and is definitely a likeable person. however, he's a scoundrel. yeah. a perv. with no control. fun yeah? i tried to suppress the scalawag side of oliver, but it was kinda late for that. hey...this and that happened and i don't wanna explain the rest really. it's silly.
in short, my friend is head over heels for some dude who doesn't like her the same way she likes him. like i love her. not even close. and, obviously, i'm still in love with her. but i dunno. i told her i wasn't gonna give up on her. but maybe i should. i kinda wished we could go back to the light hearted days when i just did so many things for her to make her smile. honestly, that's all i want. to make her happy and smile. but it's just an awful situation. i don't know wut i should do. all i know is wut i'm gonna do.
i'm a silly boy who'll never relent. i remember an old friend talking shit about the band fairweather. like, it was something like fairweather was some shallow pop punk bullshit. i think mike reiser said it. anyways i'm sure he never listened to fairweather's lusitania.
specifically, the song with line:
are you willing to lose, instead of giving up?
yeah. that's the kinda guy i am. i'll keep professing my love until she tells me to stop. fuck, i think she might have already. i really don't remember. well, i'll keep up my antics until she reminds me then.
yeah, she told me to stop. haha yeah. she wanted me to go date other gals. i did. i still am. is that bad? it was all jokingly done (i think) but i was with a new friend and she said she'd be my girlfriend even though i love kaycelyne, but only if i cook for her and teach her how to surf. fair enough. haha. i am such a silly boy.
i wonder how long it'll take before typing her name in google will bring up this journal.
such a silly boy.
yeah, this blog is how my brain usually functions. you can totally recognize the moments where i believe in the power of love and the moments where i believe in my rationale. the night is when i think a lil more realistically. if u asked me to put money down on whether or not she'll ever love me too, then i'd say to bet against it is a smart bet.
buuuuuut. my family has a reputation for being prone to gambling (and thus bad bets). personally, i'd bet all my money that'll happen. it's a million to one longshot of course, but could you imagine that pay out? i'd be a millionaire if i bet one dollar on that shit. i'd be a multimillionaire if i bet two! so, if lay all of my feelings down on the line, the returned feeling will be a million times more wonderful. or terrible. either way, the lesson of the day is that betting is fun.
i've been silly lately. crazy over a good friend. i do this a lot i suppose. i guess this is the third time i've fallen for someone i could call my best friend. but hey, that's just how i operate. i always believed that the best loverly relationships are born from those awesome friendships. so i guess if you've ever wondered, "wow oliver and her used to be like, best friends...what happened?"
my amazing risk assessment skills happened.
though it never seems to work out, i won't say i regret my actions this times. i'll admit, i probably shouldn't have gone for ms. harding, because when i really think about it, i don't see us meshing well. same with ms. cornwall. i suppose i wanted to believe i could fall for a friend like lauren, but i couldn't bring myself to think of her romantically. as for heather...hell i can't remember what went on in my mind. if i ever had an infatuation, she was it. when i really think about her and how i felt back then, it was a possessive kinda interest. i didn't even think about how she felt. she was even so kind to provide me with space so i could recover. unfortunately, she may have given me too much space because by the time i got over my childish crush we weren't as close as before.
well, this time is different it seems. i could honestly say i love lil miss johnson. funny right? i'm name dropping past gal pals right and left (heather the right and lauren the left) but i choose to use the last name of my most recent heart beholder...a last name synonymous with jane doe.
well...i'm not afraid of who may read this. her name is kaycelyne. kaycelyne johnson. and fuck yes, i still love her. and fuck yes, i have a hell of a time remembering how to spell her name. even the spell checker on this goddamn blog is telling my i'm still wrong. i'm gonna go with my heart and believe that i spelled it right.
wut have i come to? i remember writing really neato blogs of my daily life and i remember even enjoying re-reading those that i had written. like, i knew more words. haha. wow. sad. now i could barely articulate my difficulty with spelling people's names.
anyways, i am very confused on why i decided to write this entry. i don't fucking know. it's late at night. this is what i usually did back then anyways. you know, with that other lj "committsins" if you remember. not many people went to that blog, but it was interesting. all i'd ever do for months after feeling broken by heather (hey no hard feelings, i was very immature) was curse myself and everyone else until twilight came and then i proceeded to curse the aforementioned in that blog.
the idea seems silly now. u know, to hide how i feel. i don't like hiding much anymore you know. like, seriously, ask me any thing. i'll tell you the truth. i've got nothing to hide. sorta. i mean, there is only one secret i have that i won't tell to anyone except for the one who needs to hear it. if you're wondering, that person is a family member.
anyways...i suppose i started this post to vent about ms johnson. well...i dunno. i definitely wrote out her name so people could find it. just google the name. i mean, seriously, her name is one in a billion. there's like...only 6 kaycelynes out there. maybe less. for you see, they've been hunted down for their distinct beauty. sadly, they're poached so the black market can have the most beautiful large eyes and smiles in stock. u know, when i think about it...this is the first time the black market has behaved like the eskimos. i mean, they actually don't just take only those fantastic features of kaycelynes. the truth is, every part, every aspect of the kaycelyne is exceptional in their own right. they take the entire kaycelyne, not wasting any bit of the kaycelyne. seriously, the kaycelyne is sublimely beautiful. or maybe, it's just this specific kaycelyne. yeah, i believe i spotted another with her name and she was hardly par.
anyways...oh yeah...the name is pronounced "case-sa-lin". i think. she sometimes is too nice to even correct a mispronunciation.
well...i've been putting up this awful version of oliver for her to see. seriously. he is kinda cool in some ways, but he's despicable in so many others. did you ever read the brothers karamazov? he's kinda like mitya. he seems to love life and is definitely a likeable person. however, he's a scoundrel. yeah. a perv. with no control. fun yeah? i tried to suppress the scalawag side of oliver, but it was kinda late for that. hey...this and that happened and i don't wanna explain the rest really. it's silly.
in short, my friend is head over heels for some dude who doesn't like her the same way she likes him. like i love her. not even close. and, obviously, i'm still in love with her. but i dunno. i told her i wasn't gonna give up on her. but maybe i should. i kinda wished we could go back to the light hearted days when i just did so many things for her to make her smile. honestly, that's all i want. to make her happy and smile. but it's just an awful situation. i don't know wut i should do. all i know is wut i'm gonna do.
i'm a silly boy who'll never relent. i remember an old friend talking shit about the band fairweather. like, it was something like fairweather was some shallow pop punk bullshit. i think mike reiser said it. anyways i'm sure he never listened to fairweather's lusitania.
specifically, the song with line:
are you willing to lose, instead of giving up?
yeah. that's the kinda guy i am. i'll keep professing my love until she tells me to stop. fuck, i think she might have already. i really don't remember. well, i'll keep up my antics until she reminds me then.
yeah, she told me to stop. haha yeah. she wanted me to go date other gals. i did. i still am. is that bad? it was all jokingly done (i think) but i was with a new friend and she said she'd be my girlfriend even though i love kaycelyne, but only if i cook for her and teach her how to surf. fair enough. haha. i am such a silly boy.
i wonder how long it'll take before typing her name in google will bring up this journal.
such a silly boy.
yeah, this blog is how my brain usually functions. you can totally recognize the moments where i believe in the power of love and the moments where i believe in my rationale. the night is when i think a lil more realistically. if u asked me to put money down on whether or not she'll ever love me too, then i'd say to bet against it is a smart bet.
buuuuuut. my family has a reputation for being prone to gambling (and thus bad bets). personally, i'd bet all my money that'll happen. it's a million to one longshot of course, but could you imagine that pay out? i'd be a millionaire if i bet one dollar on that shit. i'd be a multimillionaire if i bet two! so, if lay all of my feelings down on the line, the returned feeling will be a million times more wonderful. or terrible. either way, the lesson of the day is that betting is fun.