An open letter from Doc O’Barker on a cloudy Thurs.AM, to his liberal owners & their affiliates.
A note from Beth: Sometimes I have to apologize for my dog. This morning Doc woke up grumpy, and this is probably in part because he has not been meditating. He’s aware that Annie is writing a rebuttal to his book, which makes an already-nervous dog even more nervous. He has nothing to worry about-we love him in spite of, and sometimes because of, his political rants, even though we rarely agree.
Not my fault! 4:30 IN THE MORNING, Annie starts barking. You knew what it was, Beth-she didn’t have to wake us all up to tell us that Corkie, a Yorkshire mix, was outside in his backyard taking a pee. You understand, though-once Annie starts I have to join her, and then it becomes a competition for “who will have the last bark (word).” That’s why we couldn’t stop and you had to get up and put us in the office.
Although the office has a small bed in it, you were not there, which is why I had to continue barking, rhythmically (about every 45 seconds is what works best). A loud bark. Wait. A smallish bark, then loud. Wait. A yip and a snort. Wait. Loud bark… you get the idea. Folks, it works, which is why this will be my primary tactic as we get closer to election time. I will not stop barking until we make eye contact, that is, see eye-to-eye. You will vote for me if only to shut me up. Because you see-and now I am barking to the larger audience (in case you didn’t catch that, Beth-I AM running for President)-you see, the truth is, you all need me as much as I need you!
Dimly, as if in the early hours of morning before you are quite awake, like 4:30AM to be exact, you know it's true: This life? It's all about you and me together, with the emphasis on ME.
Come on, people-you’re the ones that decided you needed aggressive dogs to suit certain of your purposes. You liberals-don’t go holding your noses like you have nothing to do with it. Read my snarly, overly vocal lips: I am your loyal guard dog. That means three things:
1. YOUR
2. LOYAL
3. GUARD DOG
#1 YOUR. Lucky you! I am yours and I claim you to be mine-all of you, all mine. Not just your red states, but all of you. I like to keep my people together and keep them safe. That's my job. I am the USA and the USA is me, end of story.
If I had my way, my liberal owners would never leave our yard, and also, they would join me in a fat steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Unlike Annie, who will eat quinoa even though she can’t spell it, a guard dog must build strong muscles. And yes, I certainly would bark at the delivery man (even though he’s bringing us steak) because he’s not from our yard. He isn’t YOU and he isn’t ME and he never will be-you can’t fool us, Mr. Juicy Steak Importer, I know what's what!
Annie’s rolling her little eyeballs because, being what I call a “Democat” she has other ideas, like snuggling up to cats and hugging foreign humans when they walk right into our house without MY permission. Yes, liberals are like that, no boundaries, which to me suggests that they don’t have a clear identity, as in, being 100% clear about who they are and what divides them from others.
#2 LOYAL. I, on the other hand, am so clear it would hurt your eyes. I will ALWAYS protect my owners, no questions asked, and I would go so far as to say that I would stand by them even if they were petting a cat, although that has not been tested and I hope to God it never happens. Admire me for this. I am loyal.
Nobody needs to wonder where my allegiance is-I bark about it all the time but especially when I hear a so-called friendly visitor putting their hand on our doorbell, which always makes me jump and charge to the door. I say, scare them first, then see who it is. Better safe than sorry. If you let them in the house I’ll have to snap at them every-so-often so they understand, with no doubt, where MY loyalty lies.
You wonder where I get such a strong sense of myself? It’s just who I AM. God made me this way, as I have explained in my book-so it’s really no wonder that I would believe that God is totally on my side, even if there occasionally is some collateral damage, like a cat for instance, or when I scare someone away for good that might’ve been a friend.
#3 GUARD DOG. Speaking of those “friends” of yours-some of them have their own guard dogs, you know. So I wouldn’t let my guard down if I were you. Really, it would be better not to let them in your house in the first place. Talk to them through the fence if you must, while I bark so loud that you can’t tell exactly what they are saying. Good. You don’t need to hear their foreign ideas.
In some ways I am making progress with Annie because .... usually she will join me in barking at strange people or animals. That's very good. She does not, however, join me when I mistakenly bark at a paper cup rolling down the sidewalk. I guess she’s just not quite as primed as I am to “bark first, look later”-sometimes she looks first. She gives it some thought. But don't you see? That’s when they’ll get you! You can’t let up for a minute! When you look first, it SLOWS YOU DOWN!
WARNING: As we speak, my sister Annie is working up some ridiculous project, a book, which will be full of love-and-peace liberal woo-woo, I can already hear her. If you can believe it, Annie thinks it is MY fault that the USA is losing some of its Super Power Mo Jo. She says SOME people (foreigners-who cares?) who would otherwise come visit for tea, or for a doggie play date or whatnot, have been turned off by MY behavior. She says we're getting isolated or something like that, which will make us weaker, she says, but what's she talking about? Adopting a cat or something? Who needs them? Things are just fine the way they are.
So I asked, "What do you mean, MY behavior?"
Get this. Annie thinks the USA is losing power due to guard dogs like me that chase down and destroy paper cups. Due to guard dogs that take out a few stray cats now and then, you know what I'm talking about, those cats that were yowling in Peterson’s yard two houses over and across the street. And here's a funny one: She says guard dogs eat too much--that we eat all the fat off the steak (Annie likes fat the best as we all know--she just wants it for herself).
This is not logical. It’s not logical for your neighbors to be offended (rather than impressed!) by a good guard dog, and we've already discussed the need for good kibble. But there you have it, Annie inventing stories like that.
Need I say more? I’m telling you, it’s a stupid book, and her fur is like a hedgehog if you look at it up close like I have. She has little prickly pointy fur that stands on end, you could say it’s more like a porcupine but hedgehog fits her overall personalty. Annie herself isn’t stupid-we’re closely related, after all-but something must have gone wrong along the way-too much fraternizing with cats, maybe, in her childhood.
Here's something to make you stop and think: If she got her way, all peace and lovey-dove, what would happen to me? How would I earn my keep? Without me around, what would you do about the pit bulls on the other side of the fence? I'm making myself nervous now... time to go outside, run around... maybe help Annie bite off some low-lying branches, and we can bark at Corkie nonstop through the fence, and then while we're barking maybe I'll take Annie by surprise and grab at her hedgehog fur where it's thickest, on her neck, you know, just pull her around a little until she gets hold of my leg.
But no--Beth has me by the collar and we're going off to do some doggie zen. !!
Sigh.
I guess this is as good a place as any to stop. Is there anything more to say? I know it’s not all about me-it’s just MOSTLY about me, and if you were really honest you'd say the same thing.
Doc O'Barker is proud to be proud of his book, the one-and-only No Spin Meditation Guide.
Not my fault! 4:30 IN THE MORNING, Annie starts barking. You knew what it was, Beth-she didn’t have to wake us all up to tell us that Corkie, a Yorkshire mix, was outside in his backyard taking a pee. You understand, though-once Annie starts I have to join her, and then it becomes a competition for “who will have the last bark (word).” That’s why we couldn’t stop and you had to get up and put us in the office.
Although the office has a small bed in it, you were not there, which is why I had to continue barking, rhythmically (about every 45 seconds is what works best). A loud bark. Wait. A smallish bark, then loud. Wait. A yip and a snort. Wait. Loud bark… you get the idea. Folks, it works, which is why this will be my primary tactic as we get closer to election time. I will not stop barking until we make eye contact, that is, see eye-to-eye. You will vote for me if only to shut me up. Because you see-and now I am barking to the larger audience (in case you didn’t catch that, Beth-I AM running for President)-you see, the truth is, you all need me as much as I need you!
Dimly, as if in the early hours of morning before you are quite awake, like 4:30AM to be exact, you know it's true: This life? It's all about you and me together, with the emphasis on ME.
Come on, people-you’re the ones that decided you needed aggressive dogs to suit certain of your purposes. You liberals-don’t go holding your noses like you have nothing to do with it. Read my snarly, overly vocal lips: I am your loyal guard dog. That means three things:
1. YOUR
2. LOYAL
3. GUARD DOG
#1 YOUR. Lucky you! I am yours and I claim you to be mine-all of you, all mine. Not just your red states, but all of you. I like to keep my people together and keep them safe. That's my job. I am the USA and the USA is me, end of story.
If I had my way, my liberal owners would never leave our yard, and also, they would join me in a fat steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Unlike Annie, who will eat quinoa even though she can’t spell it, a guard dog must build strong muscles. And yes, I certainly would bark at the delivery man (even though he’s bringing us steak) because he’s not from our yard. He isn’t YOU and he isn’t ME and he never will be-you can’t fool us, Mr. Juicy Steak Importer, I know what's what!
Annie’s rolling her little eyeballs because, being what I call a “Democat” she has other ideas, like snuggling up to cats and hugging foreign humans when they walk right into our house without MY permission. Yes, liberals are like that, no boundaries, which to me suggests that they don’t have a clear identity, as in, being 100% clear about who they are and what divides them from others.
#2 LOYAL. I, on the other hand, am so clear it would hurt your eyes. I will ALWAYS protect my owners, no questions asked, and I would go so far as to say that I would stand by them even if they were petting a cat, although that has not been tested and I hope to God it never happens. Admire me for this. I am loyal.
Nobody needs to wonder where my allegiance is-I bark about it all the time but especially when I hear a so-called friendly visitor putting their hand on our doorbell, which always makes me jump and charge to the door. I say, scare them first, then see who it is. Better safe than sorry. If you let them in the house I’ll have to snap at them every-so-often so they understand, with no doubt, where MY loyalty lies.
You wonder where I get such a strong sense of myself? It’s just who I AM. God made me this way, as I have explained in my book-so it’s really no wonder that I would believe that God is totally on my side, even if there occasionally is some collateral damage, like a cat for instance, or when I scare someone away for good that might’ve been a friend.
#3 GUARD DOG. Speaking of those “friends” of yours-some of them have their own guard dogs, you know. So I wouldn’t let my guard down if I were you. Really, it would be better not to let them in your house in the first place. Talk to them through the fence if you must, while I bark so loud that you can’t tell exactly what they are saying. Good. You don’t need to hear their foreign ideas.
In some ways I am making progress with Annie because .... usually she will join me in barking at strange people or animals. That's very good. She does not, however, join me when I mistakenly bark at a paper cup rolling down the sidewalk. I guess she’s just not quite as primed as I am to “bark first, look later”-sometimes she looks first. She gives it some thought. But don't you see? That’s when they’ll get you! You can’t let up for a minute! When you look first, it SLOWS YOU DOWN!
WARNING: As we speak, my sister Annie is working up some ridiculous project, a book, which will be full of love-and-peace liberal woo-woo, I can already hear her. If you can believe it, Annie thinks it is MY fault that the USA is losing some of its Super Power Mo Jo. She says SOME people (foreigners-who cares?) who would otherwise come visit for tea, or for a doggie play date or whatnot, have been turned off by MY behavior. She says we're getting isolated or something like that, which will make us weaker, she says, but what's she talking about? Adopting a cat or something? Who needs them? Things are just fine the way they are.
So I asked, "What do you mean, MY behavior?"
Get this. Annie thinks the USA is losing power due to guard dogs like me that chase down and destroy paper cups. Due to guard dogs that take out a few stray cats now and then, you know what I'm talking about, those cats that were yowling in Peterson’s yard two houses over and across the street. And here's a funny one: She says guard dogs eat too much--that we eat all the fat off the steak (Annie likes fat the best as we all know--she just wants it for herself).
This is not logical. It’s not logical for your neighbors to be offended (rather than impressed!) by a good guard dog, and we've already discussed the need for good kibble. But there you have it, Annie inventing stories like that.
Need I say more? I’m telling you, it’s a stupid book, and her fur is like a hedgehog if you look at it up close like I have. She has little prickly pointy fur that stands on end, you could say it’s more like a porcupine but hedgehog fits her overall personalty. Annie herself isn’t stupid-we’re closely related, after all-but something must have gone wrong along the way-too much fraternizing with cats, maybe, in her childhood.
Here's something to make you stop and think: If she got her way, all peace and lovey-dove, what would happen to me? How would I earn my keep? Without me around, what would you do about the pit bulls on the other side of the fence? I'm making myself nervous now... time to go outside, run around... maybe help Annie bite off some low-lying branches, and we can bark at Corkie nonstop through the fence, and then while we're barking maybe I'll take Annie by surprise and grab at her hedgehog fur where it's thickest, on her neck, you know, just pull her around a little until she gets hold of my leg.
But no--Beth has me by the collar and we're going off to do some doggie zen. !!
Sigh.
I guess this is as good a place as any to stop. Is there anything more to say? I know it’s not all about me-it’s just MOSTLY about me, and if you were really honest you'd say the same thing.
Doc O'Barker is proud to be proud of his book, the one-and-only No Spin Meditation Guide.