(no subject)
wow, i dont really know how im gonna make it through to graduation... as school is coming to a close, classes are becoming harder with work being piled on, just to see if you can take the pressure.... im barely hangin on, almost to the point where i might not graduate..
but whats new? i've been called a screw up my whole life, so i just think of myself as a screw up... my dad always saying, "your never gonna graduate kathy, your not smart enough" or "dont get in trouble kathy cause im not gonna bail you out of anything or help you out with anything..." ever since my parents have gotten a divorce 6 years ago, my dad has just stopped caring about me period, and i used to be daddys little girl, we did everything together, and now he doesnt even care... and my mom, she is too wrapped up in spending time with her stupid "relationships" if thats what you can call them, to even notice that im drowning in a sea of depression over here... she's always busy helping someone else, or too busy with her schooling or just anything really to really look, i mean really see whats going on in my life, she just assumes that everything is going fine and that im that happy go lucky girl that she has seen in the past...
but she has to realize thats the PAST.... she doesn't know that i struggle to get out of bed every morning cause im wishing that i just wont wake up and have to deal with shit through out the day... anyway back to being a screw up, i've always screwed up my life some how.. like i almost got held back in 5th grade cause im stupid... i DID get held back in 10th grade cause im an idiot, and i'll probably find a way to screw up the most important thing in my life right now, which is my relationship with adam... something is gonna come along that is just gonna, gonna, i dont know.. just mess things up and im gonna be all alone again... i just cant handle things anymore i just want to run away from here and everything and start over... i wish i could erase everything that i have done wrong and do it all again so im not such a screw up....
SCREW UP, thats such a horrible thing to say about yourself but i mean its true i am a total screw up... i almost let the fighting that was going on between ashley and i get in the way of my relationship with adam which screwed things up royally, but we all worked through it, at least i hope we did... and ya know in some ways im jealous of ashley, because the things adam cant tell me, he tells to ashley and that makes me jealous to know that he cant say certain things to me but he can say them to her... but i guess i just have to tough out all these problems and just lock them inside because there is no one for me to talk to at all... so for now i guess i'll have to carry this burden on my OWN... ::sniffle sniffle::