This SHOULDN'T, CAN'T, ISN'T going to happen...
I don't like feeling bitter. I've gotten over jealousy, now I just need to work on not ruining everything. I do it all the time, and I never mean to. I have horrible timing and everything just . . . isn't where it should be. But then again, this isn't all about me. I know that. But I'm the only one I can personally speak for. So don't accuse me of being self-centered either. And if you do, base it on other reasons, or else I will just blatantly call you an idiot and further your depreciation of me.
Really, I don't know what happened. I don't know if I made it happen. I want you to tell me if I did. I understand if you can't tell me some things, but I'd appreciate it if sometime you told me everything that you could, I'd be really interested in hearing it. And if I start crying, promise that you won't stop. I cry over the stupidest things; sometimes things I don't even care about. I just . . . I'm overly emotional. Although I know it seems like I'm not, but I'm just really good at hiding certain things. I need to work on that too. Or maybe I should just accept it. Yeah, no more "working on" just . . . accepting what comes naturally. Because really, that's who I am.
When one thing starts working , the other starts failing. I didn't want it to be like this, but I guess my definition of the word "perfect" (which may be far from perfect in someone else's eyes) will never occur. Maybe I should not define it as perfect because maybe then it will happen. The perfect does not happen. It is impossible. But then again, sometimes I'd like to do impossible things. So maybe I'll keep it as my goal; my impossible perfection that I'll get to one day if only I could stretch just a liiiitle bit more to reach that star. I think I almost have a hold on the tip. Now what do I do? I don't want to pull it out of the sky. Then no one else can look at it. Selfish or selfless. There is no happy medium, you cannot leave half. Pick one and get it over with, because while you'd like to think the whole world is watching, really . . . no one is. So don't make it such a big deal.
I wish . . . I sometimes wish things could be the way they were on the old aspect. I mean, even then there were problems, so I guess I should be grateful now that there's one constant. I don't know what's going on right now though. I don't think I've turned into someone that you don't know. I'm still me . . . more me, than anything. I don't know why you're the one that had to go through the most changes becuase of, but . . . I guess these truly are the years of finding ourselves. You once told me that you found yourself way before everyone else, and I guess that makes things a lot easier for you with this. I'm glad for you . . . I think that you're one of the more remarkable people I have ever met in my life and I would really like to do something one-on-one some day, because you have the more interesting perspectives on life and I like that. It's not pessimistic, and it's not optimistic. It is what it is and you have no problem saying it how you mean. And yet no one seems to get mad at you. I wish you could tell me your secrets.
I just never know when the right time is. I guess it will never be a convienent time for either of us. Next time I'll pick the inconvienent time for me. Maybe then something will click with me. I just . . . I'm really frustrated right now, with nothing to take it out on but a diary with words that don't even exist to touch the meaning of something that I can't even begin to describe.