Peace
I love how this is the only place i can be truely honest anymore. And that's only because no one from Saguaro reads this shit anymore. And while this isn't exactly verbalizing whats going on in my head, it's a way of expression.
People change and so does life, constantly. The only constant in life is change itself. My best guy friend of 3 years, has completely abandoned me. because he changes and circumstances with other people changed. Not the most rational reason to end a friendship, but hey. Not my decision.
Since i last updated, I've done a complete 180. I was best friends with chloe, now i don't even talk to her. I had a decently large group of friends.. another thing that has changed. Hell, my goal in life was to make other people happy. Now.. I've realized that that is irrational and will only lead me to self destruction. Trust has disappeared and i am so scared of my day to day lonliness that i'm paranoid beyond what's healthy.
"Is this person going to ruin this" "I can't believe they talked" "Dont do that.. I'll lose you" Irrational? yes. Can i stop it? No. too many promises of "I'll love you always" or "we'll be friends forever" have been broken and died with me, that i can't believe it anymore. Hate me for it? Fuck off. I think i'd rather be lonely and weak than hurt and broken. Friends aren't worth the pain. Hell, neither are guys.
I fall into the same routine over and over, and it happens to be with the same guy--this time. Who knows what will happen with it this time. I guess we'll find out. There's a large possiblility of it being better than last time. If he'll let it.
I constantly am at a loss for words. A loss for expression. A lost for happiness. All i really want is to be able to smile and feel like everything is perfect--like it was in January or Febraury. what changed? I don't know. But i know shortly.. It will all be lost again. The face of friendship will change from me, back to someone else.. And what will be left? Me.. alone because i lost everyone because of this one person?
Doomed is what life has become. I'm not at the suicidal point yet, not until my theories play out, like they always do. Once everything falls apart like it always does.. Then that will be the end of it, and the end of me. I can't live with this anymore.
People change and so does life, constantly. The only constant in life is change itself. My best guy friend of 3 years, has completely abandoned me. because he changes and circumstances with other people changed. Not the most rational reason to end a friendship, but hey. Not my decision.
Since i last updated, I've done a complete 180. I was best friends with chloe, now i don't even talk to her. I had a decently large group of friends.. another thing that has changed. Hell, my goal in life was to make other people happy. Now.. I've realized that that is irrational and will only lead me to self destruction. Trust has disappeared and i am so scared of my day to day lonliness that i'm paranoid beyond what's healthy.
"Is this person going to ruin this" "I can't believe they talked" "Dont do that.. I'll lose you" Irrational? yes. Can i stop it? No. too many promises of "I'll love you always" or "we'll be friends forever" have been broken and died with me, that i can't believe it anymore. Hate me for it? Fuck off. I think i'd rather be lonely and weak than hurt and broken. Friends aren't worth the pain. Hell, neither are guys.
I fall into the same routine over and over, and it happens to be with the same guy--this time. Who knows what will happen with it this time. I guess we'll find out. There's a large possiblility of it being better than last time. If he'll let it.
I constantly am at a loss for words. A loss for expression. A lost for happiness. All i really want is to be able to smile and feel like everything is perfect--like it was in January or Febraury. what changed? I don't know. But i know shortly.. It will all be lost again. The face of friendship will change from me, back to someone else.. And what will be left? Me.. alone because i lost everyone because of this one person?
Doomed is what life has become. I'm not at the suicidal point yet, not until my theories play out, like they always do. Once everything falls apart like it always does.. Then that will be the end of it, and the end of me. I can't live with this anymore.