falling apart
She lies down on her bed, looking towards the ceiling wondering why she is suddenly gripped by this gnawing sadness that rips away at her heart. The sadness that never seems to leave… she can be talking to someone on the phone, writing to someone on myspace, or laughing when all of a sudden she is gripped by this terrible sadness that brings her crashing to her knees and leaves her breathless. “What have I done wrong?” She often asks God and herself. She can’t seem to understand where all this pain is coming from, where this terrible loneliness stems from. She tries to focus on God, yet He feels so far away. He seems distant and uncaring. She knows the Bible says otherwise but that does nothing to chase away the gnawing emptiness that threatens too overtake her. She tries to reach out to others but she feels a wall separating her from other people. Her heart is locked and no matter how hard she tries, no matter what she tells herself her heart refuses to become unlocked. She pulls and tugs at the lock in a desperate attempt to let her heart roam free but every time she tries that horrible sadness chains her down and tightens the lock around her heart…she desperately prays that God will help free her soul… She turns to the “church” for help but instead of receiving comfort and encouragement she receives condemnation and judgment.
“you haven’t really given you heart to Jesus” she is told as she knows within her mind and heart a that she loves Jesus with all her heart and soul. She is told that a true Christian wouldn’t feel that way since the joy of God would envelope her and prevent her from feeling such sadness… as those words wash over her she feels herself falling deeper and deeper into a hole which in her mind leads her farther and farther away from God and from other people.
No matter what she does or how hard she tries the sadness follows her like a lion stalking its prey. She tries everything within her power to defeat this unseen enemy but each day she fights she feels herself grow weaker and weaker.. She is told that she needs to hand over all her problems and emotions to God but the lock within her heart refuses to budge even as she wants desperately to unlock it and give all her problems to God. She feels herself getting weaker and feels the locks around her heart tighten with the passing of each day. Each day the temptation to give up to end her life threatens to overwhelm her.
“I’m falling apart. I’m barely breathing. With a broken heart, that’s still beating.” She sings as the tears fall down her check as she continues to stare at the ceiling but as she sings she feels power rise up in her, she feels the locks around her heart loosen as she cries out to God and tells him, “I’m hanging on, just to see what you will throw my way. And I’m hanging on to the words you say. You said that I will be ok.” She still feels the sadness gnawing at her heart but she also feels something else raising up from the ashes of her brokenness, “faith”
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I thought I would try something new with this blog, I really didn’t know how to start it so I thought about creating a mini story. I struggle with deep depression that makes it very hard for me to function. I sometimes feel completely alienated from everyone else and especially from God. I feel as if my heart is locked because I don’t want to deal with anymore pain. I have spent years locking my heart and Jesus unlocked it when I first accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, however, over the past year I have slowly locked my heart and I seem helpless to stop myself. I feel myself isolating myself even when I don’t want too.
Some days are worse then others, I can barely get up in the morning. But even when I want to give up I find meaning in His name. I find meaning in the name of Jesus. Even as I feel that I am dying I still feel the assurance, however slight that I am alive. Sometimes it takes all the strength I have to hang on another day and believe that everything will be ok, but I am beginning to realize that even though I am barely holding on to God, he is holding on to me. I am beginning to realize that as I fall apart He is there to pick up all my broken piece. I am beginning o realize that as my heart breaks He is there to fix it. This is probably no where near one of my best blogs but that is because I have tried with words to describe something that can only be felt but I pray that even though these words don’t come close to expressing how I feel that it helps someone else know that they are not the only ones falling apart. That they are not the only ones with a broken heart. That there are others who are struggling through each day. I want to help get rid of the guilt that Christians feel because they’ve been made to feel as if they are failures if they feel depressed. I want them to know that no matter how weak their hold on God is, God is holding on to them tightly. I want people who aren’t Christians to know that Christians also go through feelings of loneliness and depression and often fear like they are falling apart. But Christians realize SOMEONE is there to pick them up and I want people who aren’t Christians to realize that too. To all who feel like they are falling apart please keep holding on.
I leave with some Lyrics from lifehouse’s “storm”
“I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall… I know everything will be alright. I know everything is all right.”
“you haven’t really given you heart to Jesus” she is told as she knows within her mind and heart a that she loves Jesus with all her heart and soul. She is told that a true Christian wouldn’t feel that way since the joy of God would envelope her and prevent her from feeling such sadness… as those words wash over her she feels herself falling deeper and deeper into a hole which in her mind leads her farther and farther away from God and from other people.
No matter what she does or how hard she tries the sadness follows her like a lion stalking its prey. She tries everything within her power to defeat this unseen enemy but each day she fights she feels herself grow weaker and weaker.. She is told that she needs to hand over all her problems and emotions to God but the lock within her heart refuses to budge even as she wants desperately to unlock it and give all her problems to God. She feels herself getting weaker and feels the locks around her heart tighten with the passing of each day. Each day the temptation to give up to end her life threatens to overwhelm her.
“I’m falling apart. I’m barely breathing. With a broken heart, that’s still beating.” She sings as the tears fall down her check as she continues to stare at the ceiling but as she sings she feels power rise up in her, she feels the locks around her heart loosen as she cries out to God and tells him, “I’m hanging on, just to see what you will throw my way. And I’m hanging on to the words you say. You said that I will be ok.” She still feels the sadness gnawing at her heart but she also feels something else raising up from the ashes of her brokenness, “faith”
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I thought I would try something new with this blog, I really didn’t know how to start it so I thought about creating a mini story. I struggle with deep depression that makes it very hard for me to function. I sometimes feel completely alienated from everyone else and especially from God. I feel as if my heart is locked because I don’t want to deal with anymore pain. I have spent years locking my heart and Jesus unlocked it when I first accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, however, over the past year I have slowly locked my heart and I seem helpless to stop myself. I feel myself isolating myself even when I don’t want too.
Some days are worse then others, I can barely get up in the morning. But even when I want to give up I find meaning in His name. I find meaning in the name of Jesus. Even as I feel that I am dying I still feel the assurance, however slight that I am alive. Sometimes it takes all the strength I have to hang on another day and believe that everything will be ok, but I am beginning to realize that even though I am barely holding on to God, he is holding on to me. I am beginning to realize that as I fall apart He is there to pick up all my broken piece. I am beginning o realize that as my heart breaks He is there to fix it. This is probably no where near one of my best blogs but that is because I have tried with words to describe something that can only be felt but I pray that even though these words don’t come close to expressing how I feel that it helps someone else know that they are not the only ones falling apart. That they are not the only ones with a broken heart. That there are others who are struggling through each day. I want to help get rid of the guilt that Christians feel because they’ve been made to feel as if they are failures if they feel depressed. I want them to know that no matter how weak their hold on God is, God is holding on to them tightly. I want people who aren’t Christians to know that Christians also go through feelings of loneliness and depression and often fear like they are falling apart. But Christians realize SOMEONE is there to pick them up and I want people who aren’t Christians to realize that too. To all who feel like they are falling apart please keep holding on.
I leave with some Lyrics from lifehouse’s “storm”
“I will walk on water and you will catch me if I fall… I know everything will be alright. I know everything is all right.”