Life.
I have had a lot of loss in my life. My marriage, friends, family. I have lost people from deceit, death and ignorance. These last 6 years in my life have been emotionally draining, I hit rock bottom, I wanted to die, I have cried, screamed, been surrounded with love and felt nothing but alone. I have gained, I have lost… people, money, homes, kids, friendships, family and myself. The government didn’t take my kids, my oldest alienated himself from me because I was emotionally unavailable. My little one is in Florida because I couldn’t keep it together, so I made the choice to send him and pull my head out of my ass. I have great support, but I felt so alone many people I pushed out. I got fat. I hated myself and everything about my life, because how could I possibly be worth anything if a loser like the one I was married to didn’t even want me? I was devastated at the demise of our relationship, even though I had wanted it over and him to be gone for a long time. He beat me, he cheated on me, he went to prison, he got 2 other women pregnant, he belittled me, he became a drug addict, he sucked the life out of me and he pushed me to the point where I shut down and shut off. I gained weight, I attempted suicide, I lost my job, my house, my car, my self respect. Everything. I had people come into my life who really cared, I shut them off, because I didn’t understand what they could possibly want with something so broken. I let bad people in, because at least with them, I knew the outcome. I reconnected with people from my past and made amends with them, but still felt this void. I just could not get over myself and I could not learn to stay out of my own head. Now, I am happy. Now I am liking myself again. Now, I have hired my bankruptcy attorney, finalized my divorce and I am getting weight loss surgery. I am getting back to me. My oldest son and I are much closer than ever, my little one and I will be back together by summer, and I am learning to be happy. How did I come to this point? Adam. Adam was someone I never forgot and who never forgot me. Adam was someone I loved, for no reason other than he was Adam. I felt good with Adam, I had fun with Adam and even though 20+ years passed since I had seen Adam, when I did see him, it felt like last week. What did I do? I pushed him a way, closed the door and brushed him off. He lingered and I ignored. I didn’t deserve Adam. The timing was bad, he was not in a good place, I was a train wreck, I needed someone who had it all together right then and there, I couldn’t see what he would want with someone like me. Last summer, Adam got sick. Lung cancer, stage 4 inoperable at the time of diagnosis. He called me, he asked for me to be there. I said I would and I wasn’t. I wasn’t there because once a-fucking-gain I was unable to get the hell out of my own head and see that I mattered to him. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t bear to see him sick, I couldn’t bear to watch it happen. I put it out of my mind and to the back of my heart and I ran, like I always do. I just went on with life and wasting my time with insignificant people who used me for sex, money, whatever, and there was Adam, hurting and angry because all he wanted was time with me. I know that if I spent that time, it would not have changed the outcome, but it would have changed the quality of that time wasted and maybe given me some preservation of self worth. In January of this year a mutual friend of ours contacted me, Adam went on Hospice. She contacted me with the intention of me being there for her, not intending for me to be there for him. Adam was pissed at me remember? But how can I now pretend he was off living some great life, when I know he is dying. There is no ignoring that. I found Adam. I found him and I went to him and I could not believe what I saw. He was such a handsome man, I still saw Adam, but realistically, he was now about 80lbs and aged looking, he could barely walk and talking was a challenge. I knocked on the door and when it opened I almost broke down right there, but I didn’t want him to see me cry. I sat down next to him and I held his hand. We talked. Let’s not pretend he wasn’t himself, Adam was not someone to mix words or hold back, so believe me, I heard about myself. But we made peace, we made it right. He told me he loved me, he always loved me, he will always love me. He told me I was his baby. During the next few weeks I was with him every day after work, I stayed the night when he asked and I went home when he wanted to be alone. We laughed, we cried, we sat in silence, we held each other, we kissed, we cuddled with no shirts on, I read him John Steinbeck when he was on the morphine and could no longer communicate, played him Jimi Hendrix and Black Sabbath, I held his hand and I talked to him every day. It was a beautiful journey. I am thankful for that time. He made me see what he saw in me during that time. The one thing he told me while we were cuddling with no shirts on, he said, “you are so beautiful, not just the way you look, but you, I am just so afraid someone is going to come and destroy what’s left”. Those words hit me hard. I am making changes. I am forgiving and forgetting. I am doing what needs to be done so I can be independent and strong. But I am not getting over him. We weren’t together, we weren’t a couple, he wasn’t my man, my husband or anything like that, but I loved him. He was the only person in my life, other than my grandpa, who I loved and loved me and there was no question. It just was. When he first passed I was at peace, now that it has been 2 months and 13 days, I realize, he isn’t coming back. I feel him with me every step of the way every day, but he is gone and I am here and it hurts. It hurts so much.