(no subject)
what compels someone to seek old friends on these things? lately I've been browsing some friends' friends' lists on myspace and noticing some kids I used to know back in highschool and before that. The thought of adding these kids to my friends list has crossed my mind. Then I get to thinking that the idea is stupid. After all, if our relationship was important enough we would have kept in some sort of contact over the years. Then again, I know I've never been much for that. Granted I wish them all well, but I know, or am at least damn near sure a few messages would be sent back and forth for a while, but in the end, it would probably turn out the same. Just another image and name on my friends list, someone to check up on from time to time. Is it my current feelings of loneliness that fills me with thoughts of looking back on old friends? Buddies really, Chums mostly. "Friends" though, should this be reserved for people I actually talk to, or care about? if so, that "friends list" small as it is now, should be cut down even further. Or is it all just another symptom of my mind rotting from the inside out? No doubt I've been feeling low lately, useless. Maybe finaly starting that job will help. won't feel so useless, so goddamn low. I get that feeling in me like I just wanna break shit, cause pain, feel pain, one or the other or even both. No, no I know I'm too nice to want to ever cause anyone pain and I know that's always been my thing, but how stupid is that? To be accused of being to goddamn nice? Should I be an ass hole? Should I be that smart ass guy noone can stand? Should I be that "punk" that appears to do whatever the fuck he wants without regard to anyone? Should I be the two faced guy who seems so nice to some and talks shit about those to others? Right now I just feel like that guy who's been doing nothing but brooding and dreaming and hurting and wondering what she would have done had she been in my position. Right now I feel like that guy that might just barely keep himself from crying himself to sleep again, might just wake up with tears in his eyes again. Right now I feel like that guy who's been looking for those right words for so long, too long. I feel like that guy who can't help but think that no matter how well he treats her, he should be treating her better. I feel like the guy who's just about ready to explode. I feel like the guy who was just ready to rant.