ranting. lots and lots of ranting.
ugh. i am so ready to give up on this. Charlie always gets my hopes up. He says he'll call, he says we'll hang out. and then plans always fall through, granted it's not always his fault, but maybe it's some sort of sign that it's just not meant to be. I need to quit getting so hung up over guys. It's like i get depressed, i feel out of place and i need a guy to solve that, or at least that's how it seems in my head, and i always go for the ones that just treat me like shit. i am so sick of getting walked all over in relationships.
i got caught up reading some pro life sites last night. it just makes no sense to me how people can be so close-minded. do not tell me that i murdered my child, or that somehow i could've managed. You don't know my situation. you don't understand. I was not going to bring a child into the world that i didnt want, that i couldn't take care of. Could i have gone with adoption? After carrying something in me for nine months, giving it away to some foster home/some other family that would never be it's birth family, i couldn't live with myself. I could not take care of it. I am eighteen. I live at home, with my librarian mother who can barely even support her and myself. I am in and out of work and want to go to college. I commend teenage mothers who have done it, who have been able to balance work, school, motherhood. But i could not have done that. So you ask why didnt i think about that before i had sex? Because the father of my "dead child" is a deadbeat mooch of a thirty five year old that i met in new york and that raped me repeatedly *which i was unaware at the time was considered rape because i thought that if you were dating that rape just didnt happen*, he told me that if i really loved him i would do it for him. when i didnt want to, when i wasnt ready. unprotected. he said that i couldn't/wouldnt get pregnant if he pulled out, and due to lack of education or ever having a sex talk other than just 'stay abstinent', i had no idea that this was untrue. i was naive. why should i be punished, why should an unborn child be punished for my naivete? It's not right to bring a child into the world that i can't take care of, that i can't give away, that will never have my undying love because of it's connection to a terrible relationship. Even if you don't support abortion, it should be my choice, i should have the right to decide what's best for me, not just have to deal with the circumstances of an unfortunate situation. If you don't support abortion, then don't have one, don't ostracize me for a choice that was rightfully mine to make.