Life gives you THORNS in ROSE BUSHES!
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written on here, but here I am. With life there is always the bad, but there is always more good. My husband got some disappointing news on Monday, not sure how it will all impact us 5 months from now but thankfully even though his job let him go (they let go of nearly 70% of the staff in his deptment) the company seems to be making every effort to help him find another job within the company. I think it’s a blessing in disguise for him, I feel like he was getting too comfortable in the job he was doing, he’d been doing it for 10 years. He’s in a good place in his life to make a change! I love this man so much. I am so proud to be his wife, because he does so much for everyone else and often times forgets about himself. We had a long discussion/argument a few weeks ago where he expressed, that he had to grow up really fast growing up, always had to be responsible, always had to think of others before himself, was “the man of the house” all of which I knew about him but this is the first time he’s really expressed this feeling to me. I can’t imagine having that much pressure or responsibility at such a young age, it has made him who he is today and he is a better person because of his past. His family even now expects a lot from him even today especially emotionally because they all respect what he has to say and trust that he will always lead them in the right direction. Which is absolutely true, he would but Jesus let the poor guy breath!! I did tell him that, you don’t have to be that person, you don’t have to feel that way with me and our family, I’m sorry that is the way it was growing up and it shouldn’t have been but I can’t take that history away from you. I CAN tell you that you need to think of yourself above all else, me your wife, and our kids (if we have any) everything else is secondary. The next day he told his Dad who’s been in the hospital for the last month that he wasn’t going to go visit him, not exactly what I had in mind timing wise to start thinking of himself, but alas he took what I said to heart. Being medicated is sooooo much better than not, I’m so THANKFUL that I’ve found something that keeps me sane but gives me such clarity. This has been the best I’ve felt in YEARS, and I can finally say that I’ve been taking my meds every day for a good 2 months. Work has been pretty awesome I must say, I feel like I’m back in the groove and people really respect the ideas that I have and trust that I will follow through. I love the people that I work with, yeah I don’t get paid what I feel like I deserve but I really do love going to work! My parents are healthy; honestly they’ll probably live longer than I will. The only thing that I need to work on is getting back on a healthy track again….and going back to school for Business (this time) I think that’s my ticket..business. I have NEVER considered it before but that’s what I would ultimately want to do, be crafty sell my shit and be financially successful with it and if I had the business backing that would only give me more credibility. Geez, I have wasted so much time not medicating myself I was so afraid of trying anything different (med wise) I was afraid to try anything new in fear of how my body would react and I wasn’t very honest with my docs so that didn’t help either. This last relapse last summer was a difficult and a mind opening one. I only missed 2 days of work but I wanted to be out for 2 months, I got through it though. I found a Dr. that I completely TRUST, which is saying a lot because I’m not a very trusting person. I’m working on that though. There are a lot of things that I’m trying to work on, which is a good thing. I know I can’t overwhelm myself with all the things I want to change or do, but I can make small steps to big changes. Tomorrow we’re celebrating my brother-in-laws move back up north so he can be closer with his kids. I really really really hope the guy catches a break; he deserves to be with his kids if only the job work out for him that he can stay up there. Hopefully, he can bring them down here more often but we shall see. I love those kids! Spending time with them makes me want some of our own. I’ve been thinking about starting a family much more often than I used to, I think about if we can’t have kids and it makes me sad but then I think it would all be fine if we didn’t. I’d be happy either why. This brings me back to getting healthy, because in order to even start a family I want my body to be in tip top shape to carry a pregnancy full term and have it be a safe, and enjoyable thing. I need to make a commitment to myself that I will do this, because the biological clock is ticking, louder and louder every day..haha. Also, since I’ve been “properly” medicated I’ve become a fuckin’ chatterbox, which I believe is my true nature. My mom who loves talking, doesn’t get to do it as often when I’m around anymore. I think what I have to say is important so why not talk. Yeah, I’m a bit of a know it all, but I must say I know a lot of shit. Not everything thing, although I’d like to think I do. Freakin’ hilarious moment, my manager had someone ask him a question about a legal situation (the guy really just wanted reassurance that he was doing the right thing) and my manager said…”Well, what do you think?” and the guy told him what he thought and my mgr was like “Yep, go with that” and then when the guy walked around my manager said “I’m not really even sure if I gave him the right answer, I hope I’m right.” Knowing a lot but not knowing everything reminded me of that story. We all lack confidence in some or all things (whether it’s age, lack of experience) and seek reassurance from other people, when we really already know the answer. This pretty much, sums up my journey one that I’m going to continue to travel down. I already know what I need to do to be happy, and I don’t need anyone to give me their opinion or tell me what they think; that will only cloud my path or steer me in another direction. Respect yourself, be kind to yourself!